[kin]

Met Mr. Ken L here many years ago. He was a wonderful teacher. I never forget the good orderly direction he gave me when carrying the recovery message to others.

My mission is to throw the life saver to the man in the water, I don’t jump in the water.

Thank you brother. I never forget.

[kin]

but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong,

[kin]

It is very rewarding, fruitful and exciting watching one by one including me saved by the power, mercy and grace of God.

I really don’t know what to do and have no plan.

I just wish to focus on my own recovery and I pray for God’s will to be done, not mine. Amen.

Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others. Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one can see the light inside the pot. Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others.

God chooses to shine through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when their cracked pot let the light of God shine through into other cracked pots.

Choose to be a glory filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

[kin]

Do I fall apart the minute things don’t go according to plan? How has this affected my life?

Maybe this is God’s timing. I was stuck and stop at this question. It is dated 22nd September 2019 here and I return on the 22nd December 2019 which is 3 months later to answer this question.

[kin]

Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
Definitely not, I don’t have the means to provide and when I do, I was too self-centered and selfish to want to do that, I want to keep the money as capital to feed my habits.

[kin]

27. Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my gambling? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?
Bankruptcy proceeding. Cheating and stealing…
28. What trouble have I had at work or school because of my gambling?
Borrowing or taking time off from work using mc.
29. What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my gambling?
There is no trust, they are held hostage by our relationship, they threaten to kick me out of the house.
30. What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my gambling?
Fight due to alcohol use. Friendships are discontinued.
31. Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?
Yes, I am always busy when I was gambling, I will not be there for my family and girlfriend, they don’t get the time, love and attention they so needed and deserve.
32. Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?
They don’t feel secure as a result of my behavior. I was not there for them.

[kin]

What does unmanageability mean to me?

There was so much stress and no peace in my life. I struggle with work, finance and my relationship with my family and other people.

I cannot keep a job for more than a year.

I cannot completely simple task like paying my phone bill.

My family members, girlfriend and friends don’t trust me and don’t want to have anything to do with me.

There was no stability in life. Every areas of my life is out of control.

[kin]

How has my gambling caused me to hurt myself and others?

I became helpless and hopeless in the end, nothing I do can stop me from gambling and losing everything.

I have killed my career that I work so hard to build over so many years. I also lose my family, friends and clients. I get into so much debt that I cannot see a future. I was so broken that I was living in misery and depression. I trIed to kill myself unsuccessfully 2 times.

I borrow money from people who trusted me, they become my victims when I did not return them a single cent. They could have used these monies for their retirement, medical fee and children educational fee beside living expenses like food and transport.

Closer to me, I was a constant reminder of the hurt and harm I gave to my family members when they see me.

I gave them a promise, betray their trust and killed their hope in me. I was so mean,  heartless, wicked and cruel to do these to them.

They dont deserve it, they are paying the price for my mistakes.

[kin]

Have I tried to quit gambling and found that I couldn’t? Have I quit gambling on my own and found that my life was so painful without gambling that my abstinence didn’t last very long? What were those times like?

I have tried to stop alcohol and gambling and failed many times.

Each time the reality of living life hit me, I learn that many bad things can happen to me in recovery and they can be painful and hard.

I do not have the wisdom to understand that bad things can also happen to good people and bad things can happen even when we try to do good or do the correct thing.

I only feel that the discomfort, stress and pain from not drinking alcohol and gambling in those difficult situations was worst and more painful.

I was foolish, and desperate to escape the pain. I wish the pain to go away, I was stupid and willing to risk everything to self-medicate to feel better.

I knew the consequences of taking alcohol or gambling was bad, but I have already become so selfish, dishonest and irresponsible and do not care anymore.

When I was stress and anxious, I remember what alcohol and gambling can do for me, it offers me an escape and solution to my problem.

Many times, slot was used when I need to find a relief from anxiety, loneliness and stress. Same reason I use alcohol.

Alcohol and gambling were a familiar and predictable way for me to numb the pain and suffering in my life.

[kin]

Do I manipulate other people to maintain my gambling? How?

I never tell them I was actively gambling and incur new debts all these times.

I lied to them that I needed to service my old debt and do not have enough money.

They wanted to help and lend me the money in the end.

[kin]

How does my personality change when I am acting out my gambling? (Do I become arrogant? Self- centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny? – complaining a lot or protest in a childish or annoying fashion, especially in a high pitched sound and sad voice)

How I feel become top priority, I become selfish, self-centered, self-seeking and less loving. I feel that I need to continue drinking and gambling to fix the problem.

I love to be in control of the situation. I justified, rationalize and reason to self and others; I convince and manipulate those around me that what I was doing is the right thing.

I complain and blame my luck and misfortune for what has happen to me and not others.

My tolerance for others was very bad. I become impatient and angry.

[kin]

What things have I done to maintain my gambling that went completely against my beliefs and values?
The lying to hide my heavy gambling and debts, the womanizing and sex after heavy drinking, the borrowing, cheating and stealing to get more money to feed my habits.

[kin]

What have I done (I have done things) while acting out my gambling that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?
Drinking after using the slot, using the slot after drinking, and heavy borrowing.

[kin]

Over what, exactly am I powerless?

My emotions, alcohol, people, slot machines, football punting, casino table games and horse racing.

[kin]

When did I first recognize my gambling as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so how? If not, why not?

It happen more than 30 years ago, I thought I could gamble, or drink and stop like a normal person so I didn’t seek help. I didn’t know I needed help.

I didn’t know I had an addiction to alcohol and slot or that I was a problem gambler.

I did not understand and didn’t know anything about impulsive, obsessive and compulsive disorder and addiction.

[Author]

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