[kin]

Just like Vera, I have been thinking of you too.

[kin]

On some days in recovery, the pain that life realities throw at me is really greater than the pain of addiction.

I was angry with my 89 years old mum last night, I had wanted to bring the whole family out for a good dinner but my mum start questioning me whether I had my payday and complain to me that my sibling was late in giving her the money. I was very angry because bringing the whole family out for dinner have nothing to do with my payday and my sibling not giving her money. This has always been how my mum control and manipulate her children to give her money by making us feel ashame and guilty.

I walk out of the house and just sat at the bus stop for a long time. I could have gamble and take alcohol to numb myself, it was just a thought but I did not. After not doing it for some time, I am less impulsive and compulsive.

My 83 years old neighbour doing his evening exercise saw me, he always ask me not to dwell in unhappy memories from the past.

I felt that holding on to my old ways and old beliefs only bring me more misery because “I wanted” to bring the whole family out for an expensive dinner. It was my way.

I remember the teaching and direction, I did not forget to honor my parent and family first. Something in my head tell me to give up my will. Immediately I felt peace.

I am no more fighting. I was earlier fighting to keep the money to bring the whole family out for an expensive dinner. I have decided to stretch my credit card repayment plan by one more month and give my mum some money that will make her happy and bring the family out for dinner.

I found out that sacrificing my will and my way release me from pain and struggle and gave me freedom and peace.

I will loses my recovery if I honor others before my parent and family. I did not react and press the self-destructive button. I notice the progress in recovery.

In the past, I would have self destructed and spend many times more losing the money in drinking and gambling.

[kin]

Thank you Vera and I did it, your encouragement was just what I needed to start my day. You gave me strength.

It made a difference on days when I feel vulnerable.

[kin]

I cannot see a future. It was and always will be living on faith and believing in something I cannot see; believing that life will get better in recovery.

Every time I stay stop for a period and see light, it will suddenly turn into darkness with each slip and relapse.

If there was any hope, it was not strong. It really take a lot of resilience, perseverance, determination, endurance to keep believing and living. it was all about getting up every single time you get knock down and move on. There will be pain and hardships.

There was a lot of fear and uncertainties in my recovery but when the time is right, life would unfold and reveal itself to show the beautiful gift and reward.

 Guess what…I still cannot see a future.

[kin]

If I have succeeded in ending my life.

1. I would not be there to help a few person at their most helpless and hopeless moments. These people has either survive a suicide or are contemplating suicide, most have lost all hope, direction and motivation to live.

2. I would not see myself providing the family every month now and returning a sibling one lump sum of SGD$70,000 real soon.

3. I would not have own a fully paid small property today. If I was kick out of the house in the past, I really have nowhere to stay, I could not afford one.

4. I would not have reconcile with the family today, everything turn out better than I thought possible.

For me, my hopeless end has turn into endless hope. This is the hope that I tell other people in recovery. These things can happen but it would not have happen if I am dead. 

What I did is nothing compare to many but it is everything to me. My favorite parable is the poor widow offering, those 2 copper coins is everything she had.

How do I want to finish my race? How do I want my love ones to remember me in my remaining years?

[kin]

Hi I did it,
I do not know whether you have notice them but there is a new level of humility and honesty in your writing nowadays unseen in the past. These are spiritual qualities important to our healing and recovery. You are definitely progressing and moving forward! Good job!

[kin]

I was thinking of you tonight and read your last post about your baby going to have a sibling soon. Congrats!

[kin]

Hi Vera,

I was just grateful to have known you in my recovery. You should look at all the messages that you leave me when I fell to pick me up over the years. Ken L, P/hope and you really made a difference to me in GT.

I am nothing, God is everything. Amen!

[kin]

My mentor feels that the journey I traveled in recovery will lead to something.

When I spoke to my mentor about my multiple addiction to substance and behavior. He pointed to the cause behind my every addiction – my emotion.

As our relationship mature, I really wonder tonight whether we will start an emotional anonymous group one day which is not available in Singapore yet and shall catered to a bigger group of people. The meeting place is ready, the right people is ready.

I did not tell him about my feeling yet but will wait and see. I have a gut feel, but everything depend on God’s will, not mine. Only time will tell…..

It is definitely about emotional sobriety!

According to the doctor, I have recovered from depression, I went for check up 2 separate times on my own and the doctor told me I have no depression.

I was addicted to everything; alcohol, drug, food, gambling, sex, internet surfing, work and maybe other thing that I did not mention.

I believe I maybe halfway or not even halfway through, but I have already experience the miraculous changes and benefits in my life and is now a strong believer of the 12 steps and 12 promises mention below. These are benefits that I dare not even imagine when I first started out.

Promise 1: If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.

Promise 2: We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness

Promise 3: We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

Promise 4: We will comprehend the word serenity and know peace.

Promise 5: No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

Promise 6: The feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

Promise 7: We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Promise 8: Self-seeking will slip away.

Promise 9: Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Promise 10: Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.

Promise 11: We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

Promise 12: We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

[kin]

I had to change my expectation in my recovery to a more realistic one, otherwise I was hoping for the impossible and setting myself up to fail again.

Over the years, good thing and bad thing do happen to me in recovery whether I like it or not. Sometimes it is not necessary my fault, sometime you do not look for trouble but trouble can come looking for you.

Having a realistic expectation prepared me for things to come in the future and when they do appear, I do not have to react to them. There is no need for me to press the self-destructive button.

“Sometimes you just need to bow your head, say a prayer and weather the storm.”

“Sometimes not doing anything, is doing something.”

[kin]

Hi MurrS7,

Thank you for your post on my thread.

Recovery is a simple program for complicated people.

Someone I respected very much in recovery once told me that I only need to stop today. Yesterday is history, it is over, there is nothing we can do about it, we cannot change yesterday. Tomorrow is still a mystery, it has not arrive, there is nothing we can do about it. We can only focus on today. When tomorrow arrive, we just repeat what we do today.

Another thing that happen to me all the times, the ending is always the same; more misery because the mood altering substance always lead to uncontrol and more gambling.

(For me to chase away the depression and debt, I have to stop the gambling / to stop the gambling, I have to stop my alcohol use too.)

An 83 years old American gentleman shared with me a few weeks ago that the insanity mentioned in my recovery program is not about what we do after we gamble or drink, the insanity mentioned was referring to placing that first bet or picking up that first drink.

Our solution is a spiritual one. We seek spiritual progress, not perfection. May you find the Higher Power that can help us do what we cannot do for ourselves.

[kin]

I was happy that making amend to the people I have hurt in the past is set in motion, I am working towards this long term goal, I may not have made amend to everyone but I am making amend to someone all the time.

[kin]

I met up with my mentor over coffee, we talk about my multiple addictions and progress in recovery. He reminded me of the master of all these addictions.

[kin]

Dated 14 July 2008 I wrote this in my journal

I tried so many times to stop my self-destructive behavior only to go back to it again. I suffered many slips and relapses, and people who know me have distance themselves from me.

Friends also think that I was not willing to give up gambling and thought I was always finding excuses to gamble.

I felt that I was hopeless and wish to give up everything. I begin to feel that killing myself is the only way I can stop my self-destructive patterns completely

Until I found this story. Please enjoy the story.

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovels load later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,

He would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily, trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!

Shake it off and take a step up.

I find that the farmer and neighbors in this story is like the love ones, friends and people who have given up hope on us, the donkey in the story is like the addict, the well is like the addiction we have, every shovel of dirt into the well is like the slips, lapses and relapses we have in our recovery journey.

What do you think?

[kin]

Emotional unsoberness exists when what I believe and feel about myself is inconsistent, with what is obviously true about me.

My beliefs and feelings about me don’t match the facts about me.

When I’m emotionally unsober, even though the facts clearly show I’m a good person, I can’t seem to believe I am. Nor do I feel good about myself.

When I’m emotionally unsober, the input of others almost totally determines what I believe and how I feel about me.

I looked to others to give me a good feeling and give me self-esteem feeling of self worth and belonging.

In short, and this is how crazy it is: I depend on others to tell me how to feel about me.

You don’t have to be a recovering addict in recovery to be emotionally sober or unsober.

Question: yes or no:

1. Do you accept criticism well?

2. Are you usually hurt or angered by criticism?

3. Do you have a difficult time accepting compliments?

4. Do others think more highly of you than you do of yourself?

5. Do you depend on others to make you feel good about yourself?

6. Does what other say about you unduly influence your feelings and beliefs about yourself?

7. Do you often do a good job and know it, but don’t feel good about it?

8. Do you often feel like a loser – even though you know you’re a good person?

9. Do you often put yourself down?

10. Looking honestly at your life, do you treat yourself very well?

11. Do you treat other better than you treat yourself?

12. Do you do nice things for others in order to get attention or compliments?

13. When you express love for someone are you hurt when he or she doesn’t respond in kind?

14. Do you often feel afraid, even though you know everything’s okay?

15. Do you often feel you’re not enough?

16. Do you often feel you’re falling short of what you should be and what you should do?

17. Does it bother you a great deal when you know that someone dislikes or disapproves of you?

18. Do you often refrain from doing or saying what you know you should for fear of how other may react to it?

19. Do your feelings depend on how your significant other is treating you? 

20. Do you feel you’re a good person no matter what others may think?

How’d you do?

If you answered several of these questions in the affirmative, you’re probably emotionally unsober to some degree.

Although emotional unsoberness is not confined to those in recovery, it’s especially important to them, because it is the stage in recovery through which those in recovery will invariably pass.

[Author]

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