[kin]

I have no hard cash with me and the urge is no more there. I do not have that “need to gamble feeling”. I have just lost 2 months salary and created a new credit card, I do not know about the “need to gamble feeling” from new and old debt now, I guess they will come, I will have to deal with it when it arrive. I really felt better today than yesterday when I need to be in the thick of action.

[kin]

This is what gambling addiction can do to me. I need the money now to gamble. I want to win back my money now. I cannot wait another day, I cannot postpone this. I was very impatient and anxious to gamble now. I could not stop gambling and become very compulsive, I keep gambling and gambling all the way, I did not want to walk away.

I cannot think properly and become very impulsive; I want it now; I want it quick ; I want it today; I want it immediately and become very very careless, I cannot think before I do it…slowly and carefully.

There are very heavy consequences and price to pay for this action and I do not care anymore. I have become reckless and foolish, I want high risk gamble, those all or nothing gamble, make or break gamble.

I can walk away from the gamble, I can postpone the gamble, I can stop the gamble but I did not do it. I allow the gambling to happen.

In my heart, I do care about not doing wrong and harm to self and others but many times when the disease of addiction takes over me and hijack my brain. The thinking and feeling is the same at that critical moments, I do not care anymore, I want to “just do it”.

1. I will use money mean for feeding or providing the family and paying the bill

2. I will do crazy sum of cash advance withdrawal from my credit card in the shortest time.

3. I will steal money and use money that do not belong to me.

4. I will tell lies and cheat to borrow money.

5. I will inconvenient myself to get to the money; regardless of the distance.

6. Gambling take up so much time, I have no time for my lover and I cannot focus on work and risk losing my lover and job. 

It is doing me and people around me harm but I could not stop myself. I just want to continue gambling.

This is all darkness; it was very different from the beginning days when I was less impulsive; I can chose to stay stop and give up the gamble; I can chose to walk away and do other things; I can chose to postpone the gamble; I can chose to place the smallest bet.

The addiction have hijack and taken over the brain and causing all these self destructive and insane actions.

Everything will stop, they will surely stop, if it is not today, that day will come after I have lost my last dollar. When that day arrive, you can actually feel a strange good feeling, it was a relief and calm because there is no more struggle.

Note:

I have won more than 12000 dollars over 3 weeks with my last salary and paid all my credit card debt and misc bills.

My brain was hijack last night. I went into full blown relapse,I became very impulsive and compulsive. I lost the 1100 on me and withdraw cash advance of 2200 from one credit card and 2000 from the other. This is not normal,I never needed so much money to gamble in the last 3 weeks.

I lost everything and needed somemore money to gamble somemore. This felt very urgent like an emergency! When did wanting to gamble become an emergency but it has happen to me many times when I want to act out my addiction.

I cannot withdraw money from both credit cards. The credit limit for one card have been lower from 7200 to 2200, despite chasing them, they cannot grant me a credit limit increase on the spot, it takes days to process. I am laughing thinking about it now. The other credit card was swallow up by the ATM  and showing machine error. Of cos I was disappointed and angry, I tried to find ways to get money to gamble and called them, again they will take days to give me a new replacement card.

I woke up today mindful that the ending was still the same, I did not escape the consequences with everything I know. 

Looking back, last night was one of those night that threaten to wipeout everything I have recovered. Let this be a lesson to me, if I do not build a rock solid house recovery, this distructive force will visit me again just like those seasonal typhoon or hurricane winds and try to take everything away that we have rebuild.

I was mindful and grateful that I could have lost another 10,000 if I have hold on to the cash and not use it to pay my credit card and bank loans.  

It was not my decision to lower the credit card limit and definitely a co incident that my credit card got swallow up by the ATM machine at the critical moment. I have check and there was no machine error on the screen before I push in my card. I could be wipeout of any last dollar that I can lay my hand on last night if I was not save by a power greater than me.

This is as honest as I can get in my journal. I really never think that this can happen again but it did all the times.

My imperfect journey here continue till my last breathe.

[kin]

Recently I have encourage a newcomer (not a gambler) to be very familiar with obsessive, impulsive and compulsive behavior. I felt that recognizing them can alert us and save us from uncontrollable wrong doing. I didnt know that helping this newcomer have save me.

I notice that I was less impulsive after I have stop gambling for a period of time. I may have thought about gambling from time to time but was slow to act. This has given me time to respond and do other healthy thing instead.

But after I start gambling for a period of time, I start to notice that I was struggling to sleep normally. I was also becoming more and more impulsive slowly and was gambling without carefully thinking about gambling in the end. I also start to become obsessive and compulsive about checking my money over and over again that was a waste of time and energy but it gives me comfort, relief and satisfaction, a very strong sign I was falling sick due to gambling.

I would not have this much awareness if I was not familiarizing myself with them before I share with this newcomer. This awareness has help me to stop gambling when I smell and saw danger before I lost all control of myself.

The power does not come from within me. I was save by someone or something more powerful and bigger than me.

[kin]

I was punting for 3 weeks on sport and it leads me to suffer from some mental obsession lately.

I keep thinking and c.o.u.n.t.i.n.g over and over again about how much I have, it was the sum of 5 month salary, they are all winning from sport betting.

I have used the money to clear all my credit card debt. I was still afraid that I would make the same old mistake of losing all the money away uncontrollably. If the gambling stops now, there is nothing for me to fear.

I was afraid of my debt becoming bigger as a result of gambling, so I keep checking. I knew that the ending of continue gambling is always the same.

So instead of enjoying the success of winning, it was turning into fear and anxiety. I was not comfortable gambling anymore.

I was shock and surprise that the c.o.u.n.t.i.n.g were like a ritual and fix that my head must do, it was like a drug that I must have; thinking and checking about the same thing over and over again, makes me feel relief and satisfied. It was an obsessive compulsive behavior.

I tried to stop this behavior by writing it down and keeping it in an excel spread sheet so that I can look at it and dont have to c.o.u.n.t again but it wasn’t working! I still do the mental calculation or with the calculator on my phone over and over again every day to double check the amount.

It was really a waste of my time and carrying this thought consumes all my energy.

I knew something was wrong. I do not wish to lose myself and my self-control becoming impulsive and compulsive one day. It is time to call it stop.

[kin]

Slowly and carefully

[kin]

Everything feel like they are in the right place right now. It is good time for me now. I must treasure the good time while I can, because good times like good weather can come and go.

Love one, good health, and good job do not stay with me forever. My current job has serve me well, the salary has help me do responsible thing for the family.

I have struggle with my credit card debt and was very happy to settle everything this month from unexpected big sport winning.

I will not allow gambling to ruin my life now. There are other more important thing in life.

Nothing is permanent, things can change. What is mine today can be taken away tomorrow. This is life.

The bible and the 12 steps recovery program has given me a direction in making amend to my family. God is good and the program works.

I cannot live life like there is no tomorrow now. I will not live forever, my health is not in the best condition; I must stop my compulsive eating behaviors.

I need to fast again – done this successfully a few times. When I am lighter, it would be good to start exercising.

[kin]

A bad person can do good deeds. A selfish person can do unselfish things. An addict can learn to live like a normal person. 

This is the best experience I have in recent years working with very new recovery person. I need to study and understand about my obsession, impulsive and compulsive behavior before I can share it with them. I get to know my problem and weakness better.

After abstaining from behavior and substance for a period of time, I will become less impulsive and I do not act out my thought immediately anymore. I also do not become compulsive immediately after the first time. This was the progress in my recovery, but it can also be a reason or excuse for complacency in recovery and allow compulsive gambling, alcohol, sex, eating to return.

If I was ACTIVE in gambling, alcohol, and eating, the COMPULSIVE gambling, drinking, and eating will return ONE DAY.

The first sign of trouble for me was the obsessive thought, the second sign of trouble for me  was sleepless night. If I allow the acting out to happen and not limit myself. If I do not put a brake and stop the acting out, the brake will gradually disappear, and I could not stop myself from wanting to do more gambling, drinking and eating later.

The sleepless night mess up everything in my life, I cannot focus at work and do not have the energy and stamina to finish my work, I risk losing my job.

When night come, the obsessive thought will appears, I remember becoming impulsive and following my thoughts; I act out these thoughts for many years. I do not think very hard about the consequences of my action, it was like when “the thought come”, I “just do it”.

Today, I am less impulsive, I remember the negative consequences and try to drop the idea and not follow the thought. If I do act out and follow the thought when I wanted more, I was becoming impulsive without considering the serious consequences later, I do not put on all the excess weight overnight.

The risk of compulsive behavior returning for me is high, I would lose control of my gambling over time, suddenly I will be betting more money than I normally do, and I also cannot stop myself from placing the next bet. I need to gamble some more.

The right thing to do for me is not to place the next bet and allow normal sleep to return to my life. The wisest thing to do is not to place the first bet.

It is easy to talk the walk; it was not easy to walk the talk all the time. My thoughts drift all the times and I do made mistake.

This is the reason why I need to continue writing about my thought, feeling and action plan here, I also need to attend support group meetings and get connected with other recovering people. It did not made me perfect, and my addiction did not disappear but my problem is less serious now. This is the Hope that I was looking. This is the Hope that keep me believing.

Dont stop believing!

[kin]

Allow life to be just as it is

Allowing means “letting be” the thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations you discover.

You may wish that unpleasant feelings would go away, but as you become more willing to live with the discomfort, anxiety, hardship, pain and suffering

A different quality will emerge; one that is unconditional loving and giving; one about willingness to sacrifice and give up self-will and old beliefs; one that is selfless 

Allowing healing, peace and freedom from more suffering to return. 

[kin]

What are emotional triggers?

People, opinions, words, situations or environment that provoke an intense and exaggerated emotional response within us.

The way my mum says something can trigger my anger

anticipating good and happy news can trigger my anxiety and excitement

a particular song may send me into sadness over some old unhappy memories

being accuse of something that I did not do can trigger a strong emotion of unfairness, injustice, grievance and fear in me.

When triggered, we experience common emotions, which include anger, sadness, rage, resentment and fear.

if somebody upset us, that upset can register in the brain as a threat, unconsciously engaging the fight, flight, or freeze response.

Within our brains, there’s an area called the amygdala that is responsible for detecting threats and making sure we do one of three things — fight, flight, or freeze.

A fight response might mean we retaliate with a verbal attack.

But if the perceived attack is from someone more powerful, fighting back might be detrimental. So our unconscious brain might instead choose a freeze or flight response — we disengage, bear a grudge, or harbor resentment.

[kin]

First, there’s a trigger; something that is noticed in your physical, social, or mental worlds.

Second, it instantly activates an obsession — thoughts, feelings, or impulses that are distressful.

An impulse is a sudden force, or desire — this could be an electrical impulse, or an impulse to gamble. An impulse is not something you’ve given a lot of thought.

If you act on a sudden feeling or thought, you’re following an impulse.

[kin]

The fundamental obsession may not be experienced as a thought of gambling at all. Instead, we experience this obsession as a basic preoccupation with ourselves and how we feel.

Those of us who have been abstinent for long periods of time without a spiritual solution know the pains of fundamental obsession all too well. Life is unsatisfying. We are constantly agitated and restless, depressed. We are unable to form meaningful or lasting relationships. We have a deep sense that life is treating us unfairly. People seem cruel and selfish to us; they ignore us and our needs. No matter what we try, we do not seem to be able to get any peace of mind.

We are constantly trying to adjust the circumstances of our lives in an attempt to find some comfort.

We may have a vague sense that something is wrong with us, but we do not know what it is.

[kin]

We experience a circumstantial obsession when we are presented with the opportunity to gamble and cannot think of any good reason not to, even though we have everything to lose.
We may give ourselves some silly excuse for gambling, or we may not think at all.
Before we know it, we are deep into active addiction again, wondering what happened to our common sense.

[kin]

A reoccurring obsession is a thought of gambling that enters our minds over and over again throughout the day.
Fighting with this thought consumes all of our energy.
We try to remind ourselves of the importance of not gambling, of all the things we will lose if we gamble again, and of what always happens to us when we gamble, but the thought keeps coming back and seems to grow stronger over time.
If we are able to hold out against the reoccurring obsession, we become exhausted and depressed. We are easily irritated and find that normal daily tasks require an enormous amount of effort. Even if we don’t gamble, the reoccurring obsession wins by beating us down.

[kin]

An intrusive obsession is a thought of gambling that seems to enter our minds from out of nowhere.
When we are hit by an intrusive obsession, we find ourselves suddenly dropping our plans and responsibilities, and pursuing the gamble that we crave.

[kin]

We experience an obsession when we are trying to stay abstinent and are overpowered by thoughts of gambling.

I can also be having an obsession when I feel the desire to control other people’s moods or behavior.

Obsession can take many forms.

[Author]

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