[kin]

Привет, Вера, я так рада прочитать, что ты заканчиваешь 6-месячный игровой опыт. У меня был аналогичный опыт в течение 1 месяца в ноябре – на этот раз я не потерял свои деньги, что бывает редко, но я потерял себя умственно, духовно и эмоционально. Это было не самое приятное место для жизни сейчас, и мне потребовалось много усилий, чтобы вернуть жизнь в нормальное русло. Принимая один день за раз и шагая вперед, шаг за шагом. Желаю вам счастливых новогодних праздников!

[kin]

My last winning experience show me how I struggle to stop. After I lost my first big bet, I wanted to use my remaining winning to win everything back. I struggle to stop.

Win or lose, I struggle to stop.

[kin]

Why do they call addiction a disease? Why do they call compulsive gambling an illness? What does this illness do to me?

In my compulsive behavior, I cannot help myself, I lose my self-control and act out my urge. 

Heavy gambling and compulsive gambling is two different thing. I like to think my compulsive gambling was heavy gambling but it is not. I cannot stop after I win or lose.

Compulsive gambling (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is a chronic, and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) and/or behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over.

No compulsive gambler win. When they lose, they want their money back, when they win, they want more.

The end of the road for a compulsive gambler is either death or suicide.

[kin]

Many times, I cannot tell where my stress is coming from. I only remember I had eczema today when the irritation on my facial skin and scalp was obvious. It confuses me, all the complaint about me feeling stress recently, how much of that was true?

Is it really so important to do what I feel is right? Is it more important to do the right thing or what I feel is right? How many times have my feeling been wrong?

[kin]

Once gambling takes over, it can only cause the pain to be 10 times more painful, any trouble to be 10 times bigger.

It has come to steal, rob and destroy any inner peace, freedom and joy we have.

[kin]

1. I tried to change thing by gambling. I try to control the uncertainty in my life by gambling.

2. If I really continue to gamble, the outcome is certain. The uncertainty turn into certainty. It would be total destruction. .

3. I had to stop but I could not stop. It has to roll to a stop and has stop.

[kin]

I was very burden by fear, the unknown and life uncertainty lately. I was overwhelmed by strong emotions and feelings with regards to the sale of a property, looking after mum and the situation at work. The weight just snowball and grew heavier. I was very distracted and stop attending recovery meeting for a month now.

I was afraid and fearful of what it is going to be like in the future. I was afraid of everything falling apart. It was scary looking at my long term prospect , there is no future.

However short term prospect looks ok, It was not so bad, I have something good to look forward from the sales proceed of a property by the power mercy and grace of God. I have provided mum regardless of how I feel and has no regret. Despite all the difficulties, I still have a job now and my debt has reduce. 

I should keep my eyes on today, not tomorrow, not yesterday!  I shall continue to march forward one baby step at a time! 

[kin]

I have an illness which make it very unwise for me to listen to my feeling. Following my feeling has got me into trouble for 30 years. All that has happened recently is just another reminder of what is happening.

I have just woke up from a long sleep of about 12 hours. I was well rested and not tired or fatigue, my thought is totally different and more positive today. I am ready to refocus on my journey and recovery, it is not going to be any different from my first day in recovery in August 2005.

Nothing about living life on life ‘s term has change. I will continue to face more trials and tribulations in life. This is life, normal people not suffering from addiction also have the same challenges in life. Recovery is about living life on life ‘s term.

Without the surplus money to feed my addiction in gambling, alcohol, drugs, sex and food to self-medicate whenever I feel stress, discomfort, pain, hardship and suffering. My problem is clearer for all to see. It is all about learning to live life on life ‘s term.

It is easy to blame others, it is easy to flee and run away from responsibility but recovery has taught us to live life, accept it , not numb it and face it.

What does recovery mean to me today? Life is tough enough, I am not going to complicate things and make it 10 times more difficult with gambling, alcohol, drug, sex and food.

[kin]

I have not heard someone use “a responsible addict” to describe people I know. It was not easy for an addict to look after an elderly person, it can be very stressful, I can get depress and suicidal. I struggle to provide mentally and financially, I realize how tough that can be for an imperfect person.

I am not going to make it 10 times worst and more painful by gambling.

My sis and bro trusting me today is making life more difficult for me because I am struggling to cope with looking after my elderly mum mentally, emotionally and financially.

[kin]

I was suddenly depressed and felt very fearful and stress. I needed an instant gratification or high from gambling, alcohol, or sex.

On a trip back home in the afternoon, I saw an automobile accident just as it happened next to a bus stop near me, at another bus stop, I saw someone my age struggling to walk, each step was slow and difficult, this person looked like a recovering stroke patient. I also met a friend today, he was older than me and doing the same type of work but he complaint that he has just lost his job.

My job is insecure but intact now, my health is not perfect but I am alive, and can still do work. I remember the saying “I cried because I have no shoe to wear until I met someone with no legs.” It brought back some gratitude and content back into my life.

Today was the last day in November, it will soon be over, all my gambling is history. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start, a new hope in December, I will take baby steps to stay stop in gambling, alcohol and sex.

[kin]

I have always acted out my desire and did the wrong thing, but now I can do the right thing and not act out my desire.

I always have plan for my money and not provide for the family in the past, but now I will provide for the family first before I listen to my plan for the money.

It can be stressful doing the right thing but the stress from doing the wrong things can be many time worst! 

[kin]

I have not gamble but I am not in a good place today. I was getting flash back of the opportunistic gamble that I have missed and could have won lately.

I also regretted over my latest gambling loss and felt ashamed of what that money could’ve been used on. The urge to try to win it back creeps in during such times.

I am only thinking about what gambling can do for me and not thinking about what gambling can do to me. It was a struggle for a while.

[kin]

What does soccer gambling means to me?

Like any gamble, there are chances to win money here, this winning can provide me with all the money to pay for everything I need and want.

Watching “live” game and doing “live betting” on football match after match and day after day is very time consuming and exhausting. I cannot do the long hours require and do not enjoy it anymore.

Like any gamble, it was not design to help me make money, it was design to make me spend money and lose everything I have over time in the end.

Winning happen all the times, but it is temporally and not permanent. The winning cycle is short and will end one day.

Once the losing streaks begin, it can be quick, ucontrollable and very destructive. It was scary to be trapped and hook ; you cannot walk away until it is too late. This is not fun anymore.

My money is not my money if I was still betting in football. I can wake up having enough money in the day and by the end of the day, I will have nothing. This is what football betting do to me. 

[kin]

After stopping gambling for a period of time, I actually become less obsess with my gambling, and I become less impulsive and less compulsive in gambling.

But once I return to gambling, I gradually and slowly become more and more obsess, impulsive and compulsive in gambling. There is a point of no return when I become hook and cannot stop my self-destruction. 

Must stop now before I become hook.

[kin]

The difference between now and my past gambling experiences was my mindfulness today.

I have a higher awareness and the ability to see myself progressively falling sick and becoming more obsessive, impulsive, and compulsive as it happened.

The heavy damage was done to my winning run of 12K. I have lost 5K and later lost another 3k in a losing streaks before I stop. I could see the remaining 4K winning disappearing too if I continue gambling.

The nightmare of borrowing to gamble will start, and a new mountain of unmanageable debt would be created.

I need to discontinue the gambling now and prevent further damage done before it destroyed my life completely.

The real damage was already done to my health mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

I was losing my sleep and my focus on God, family and my job.

I lost my freedom; I became a slave trapped in chasing the winning and losing in gambling.

I am losing the same peace and joy that I had when I live simply or have little or nothing.

There is only one ending for a still compulsive gambler like me if I continue gambling all the way. It is a life full of destruction, pain and suffering. I don’t want that!

The disease of addiction and my need to gamble is an illness, it does me harm and affect the normal function of my life.

[Author]

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