[kin]

My relationship with the 12 steps recovery program: I tried and thought this is not for me, it was not working for me. However, everything change after I found a Higher Power or God so frequently mention in the program, I start to experience the promises when everything start to materialize and fall into place.

The 12 steps recovery program and the Bible was like a “Compass” for me. It gaves me a direction. Today I am a believer!

Do you know how disgusting, and terrible it can be when an addict become uprighteous? 

When an addict feels that they are right, they will react strongly and defend their rights to their action, they will bulldoze and rundown everyone and everything down to prove they are right with their behaviors. In the past, I did the same thing and have hurt and harm many people with my actions.

Today, I learn that love and kindness come first, it is not important for me to be right in the eyes of everybody all the times anymore. I am not a runaway tornado that destroy everything in my path proving that I was right anymore.

I realize that I was only a part of something bigger than me, there is a power greater than me that is in charge of everything.

[kin]

It was another viewing on my property this Sunday. I was walking from the mass rapid train station to my place. Unknown to me, walking in front of me was the prospect and her friend. She was describing to her friend beside her how she fell on Friday and ended up in the hospital for treatment. When we reach the place, I received a message from her.

What I overheard is very important to my decision, it confirm that she was not lying about the accident when she cancel our appointment yesterday. She also told me that she is staying and looking after her sick father at her sister place and she is not getting along well with her sister and in law.

My small and affordable place is attracting people like me; financially cash tight people. I can understand their difficulties.

This place has my Higher Power footprints all over it. Since I took ownership of the place, it has been helping me and others.

[kin]

Gambling tempt me. It convince me that it could help provide for my family, pay for all my bills, service my loans and credit card bills, create wealth for me, give me financial security!

Is this really Gambling or the Satan messing around with me?

It is giving me hope – a false hope, it is telling me lies – it did not come to provide, but it has come to steal, rob and destroy!

Satan is very deceiving, it promise to give but it will take everything away one day. I will lose my life this way one day.

[kin]

I did not do alcohol despite the many thoughts to do it. Alcohol is consider a drug in narcotic anonymous. I am very wary of what alcohol can do. Drinking can mess up my thinking and feeling.

Acting out in food, work, gambling and sex from time to time is bad enough, and if I add alcohol in the equation, one thing is certain, my brake will suddenly lose its function, everything will fall apart in double quick time.

An advice from a 83 years old recovering person from US, he suffer from many addiction too. He told me to focus on the primary addiction first.

I learn who is the boss among my many addictions and have dances with this devil and played with this fires many times. Alcohol affect my physical, emotion and feeling in ways I do not get from the rest. 

[kin]

There was gratitude, calm, peace and patient in my life at the moment as things slowly return back to normal.

I could recognize my illness when the obsession, impulsiveness and compulsiveness appear recently.

At the moment, I am just glad that I don’t feel their presence as their power and strength has weaken and not driving me to gamble against my will.

1. I was mindful that I am a part of something bigger than myself, there is a power greater than myself in charge of everything.

2. I have a direction in life; I used the money that I had to love people, I used the money to honor my parent and friends. I did not want to fall into the trap of loving money and using money to feed my selfish, self centeredness and self seeking desires. 

3. My mentor has got in touch with me again. Working recovery alone is tough.

4. There was a new potential buyer contacting me to purchase my property.

5. Work appears normal at the office. The management has leave me to work in peace unlike the strong grieviance and unjust treatment felt by me only 2 months ago. It was tough.

6. My 90 years old mum is not throwing her frustrations anymore after I have given her money. I have already provided the family money and did not have anymore money. It was tough.

After the gambling. I won so much money, I did not forget to give her more money and love by getting her favorite crabs.

7. It really felt like gambling against my will at one point of time and I was struggling to stop to protect my winning about 3 weeks ago, the continue gambling felt unstoppable. I lost some of my winnings away. It was tough.

I really felt the pain of losing these money, imagine what I can do with this sum of money, it was more than 2 months of my salary. I did not had this painful feeling of loss for many years. I had lost more money many times and did not have this pain because it was numb by everything but not this time round. I really felt it.

I had to stop gambling and allow things to return to normal. This time without the obsession, impulsiveness and compulsiveness, I won another 4 months salary. 

I intend to stop and not binge gamble before the obsession, impulsiveness and compulsiveness return.

It is only a matter time before the compulsive gambling appears, I do not have it now but am very sure that the compulsive gambling will return if continue to chase the winning and losing in gambling.

Somehow I am still safe, I was driven and motivated by what gambling can do to me, but I was more afraid of what gambling can do to me.

I did not want to lose my sense of value for money. The money has help me to service my loan, debt, bills and more importantly help me love my family.

Every cent counts and matter but in gambling they are just a number. 

My days are long and tiring nowadays, I did not rest properly for the last few weeks, I was working long hours and keeping as long hours monitoring the sporting events. It felt like working 2 jobs at the same time. I was also in the process of selling a property, I need to let the potential buyer view my property over the weekend. This probably explain why I missed all my usual recovery support group meetings over every weekend. I can recognise that not having enough proper rest and sleep is a danger sign.

I am trying to slow everything down. 

Good times and bad times, I have return to this place to keep in touch with my recovery.

I am a grateful addict. I have survive till this day by the mercy, grace and unconditional love shown by God and everyone. 

I have brought many disappointment, pain, hardship and suffering to others in the past. By merit alone, I was very undeserving and unworthy.

Thank God for everything!

[kin]

Hi Vera,

Thank you for your honest sharing.

I hope that you are alright and could stop the gambling before it turn into “gambling against your will”.

No one can guarantee that they will never make a mistake. There will be slips here and there in life but the most important thing is to pick ourselves up whenever we fall,  and carry on with the journey.

We are here to seek progress in recovery, not perfection.

We are here to support one another in good times and bad times.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, we can only focus on today. We only need to stop gambling today.

Thank you for all your wise words and encouragements. They made a difference.

 I really appreciate your presence here with us.

[kin]

Привет Вера,

Спасибо за честный обмен.

Я надеюсь, что с вами все в порядке, и вы можете прекратить азартные игры до того, как они превратятся в «азартные игры против вашей воли».

Никто не может гарантировать, что никогда не ошибется. В жизни будут кое-где поскользнуться, но самое главное – брать себя в руки всякий раз, когда мы падаем, и продолжать путешествие.

Мы здесь, чтобы стремиться к прогрессу в выздоровлении, а не к совершенству.

Мы здесь, чтобы поддерживать друг друга в хорошие и плохие времена.

Вчера – история, завтра – загадка, мы можем сосредоточиться только на сегодняшнем дне. Нам нужно только сегодня прекратить играть в азартные игры.

Спасибо за все ваши мудрые слова и поддержку. Они изменили ситуацию.

Я очень ценю ваше присутствие здесь, с нами.

[kin]

Each baby step and effort taken to walk away from old obsessive, impulsive, compulsive acting out counts. They do not happen overnight but each baby step, each day staying stop adds up and the level of obsession, impulsiveness and compulsiveness or urge loses its strength.

Doing the opposite only increases their strength and power over time until I lose all self control. This is life and death for me and I need to constantly keep myself in check.

The fog in my head is clearing, my feeling is slowly returning back to normal, the feeling of gratitude, contentment and the mindfulness that I am a part of something bigger than me help me find peace.

I survive by the mercy and grace of a power greater than me!

[kin]

Everybody want to succeed but not everyone is willing to do whatever it takes to succeed – Self Discipline

Every road leads to Rome. It works if you work it but not everybody is willing to work it.

[kin]

 Amen

[kin]

Аминь

[kin]

Disability is not an inability

[kin]

If you have ever found yourself in a group, therapy session, or even an institution focused on recovering from an addiction of any kind, the concept of self-acceptance is probably not new to you.

Acceptance of oneself and one’s reality is an essential building block of many recovery programs.

Acceptance is so important because those who struggle with substances or behavior addiction, are often prone to using denial as a coping mechanism to avoid facing their problems.

They may minimize, rationalize, forget, deceive themselves, or even repress the memories of their behavior.

Even when an addict recognizes that he or she has a problem, they may believe that they can control every aspect of their lives through simply wanting to change.

This is a dangerous place to be since there is much that we do not have control over in our lives.

This is why acceptance is so vital to the recovery process; before they can make meaningful changes to their lives, those struggling with addiction must first accept:

1. That they have a problem.

2. That they do not have complete control over every aspect of their life.

3. That they have limitations and flaws.

4. The reality of their circumstances.

Once the individual has learned to accept reality and themselves, they can begin to work on changing the things they can change.

The aim is not to encourage self-blame and guilt; instead, the aim is to move away from thinking that “I don’t like who I am” “I’m going to be on my own side while I create change”.

This is the power of self-acceptance; you allow yourself to change for the better when you plant yourself firmly in your present reality and decide to help yourself instead of bury yourself under doubt, criticism, and blame.

In recovery, when you accept who and where you are in the recovery process you appreciate the truth of what that means today while at the same time admitting that you need to change.

“Self-acceptance permits balance in our recovery. We no longer have to look for the approval of others because we are satisfied with being ourselves. We are free to gratefully emphasize our assets, to humbly move away from our defects, and to become the best recovering addicts we can be. Accepting ourselves as we are means that we are all right, that we are not perfect, but we can improve” (Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 1985).

[kin]

An unconditional acceptance of recovery and life and what it brings. Accepting the things that I cannot change. Accept it, not numb it and live with it. Living life on life’s term.

Recovery can be a bumpy ride, it is not smooth sailing.

Self-acceptance is the state of complete acceptance of oneself. True self-acceptance is embracing who you are, without any qualifications, conditions, or exceptions.

Unconditional self-acceptance is understanding that you are separate from your actions and your qualities.

You accept that you have made mistakes and that you have flaws, but you do not let them define you.

When you practice unconditional self-acceptance, you can begin to love yourself, embrace your authentic self, and work on improving your less-than-desirable traits and qualities.

[kin]

Hi Vera, I am so glad to read that you are walking out of a 6 months gambling experience. I had a 1 month similar experience in November – I did not lose my money this time which is rare but I have lost myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally. It was not a nice space to live in now and taking a lot of effort for me to return life back to normal. Taking one day at a time and marching forward one baby step at a time. Wishing you a happy holiday season ahead!

[Author]

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