[kin]

Dear diary,

I am more aware and mindful about losing my patient, anger, love and care with mum now. 

When I thought she was wrong and I was right. I was not nice, considerate, humble and kind to her. I was irritated by her.I was guilty of using harsh tone and raise voice when I speak to her many times. I admit that this action is wrong now.

It does not pay for me to be proven right with her all the times, she can be hurt by me. Sometime it is more important to be kind and loving than to be right.

There must be a power greater than myself that is helping me change by showing me this message. This story change me.

An 80-year-old man was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his 45 years old highly educated son.

Suddenly a crow perched on their window.

The Father asked his Son, “What is this?”

The Son replied, “It is a crow”.

After a few minutes, the Father asked his Son the 2nd time, “What is this?”

The Son said “Father, I have just now told you “It’s a crow”.

After a little while, the old Father again asked his Son the 3rd time, what is this?”

At this time some ex-pression of irritation was felt in the Son’s tone when he said to his Father with a rebuff. “It’s a crow, a crow”

A little after, the Father again asked his Son the 4th time, “What is this?”

This time the Son shouted at his Father, “Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again, although I have told you so many times ‘IT IS A CROW’. Are you not able to understand this?”

A little later the Father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary, which he had maintained since his Son was born. On opening a page, he asked his Son to read that page. When the son read it, the following words were written in the diary: –

“Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa, when a crow was sitting on the window My Son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a Crow. I hugged him lovingly each time he asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated I rather felt affection for my innocent child”.

While the little child asked him 23 times “What is this”, the Father had felt no irritation in replying to the same question all 23 times and when today the Father asked his Son the same question just 4 times, the Son felt irritated and annoyed.

Lesson to learn from This Story:

If your parents attain old age, do not repulse them or look at them as a burden, but speak to them a gracious word, be cool, obedient, humble and kind to them. Be considerate to your parents.

[kin]

Hi Monica,
You are a courageous lady and display high emotional sobriety. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

[kin]

Hi I did it,
Why did you give me the feeling that you have grown a lot in recovery in a very short time. It was a joy to watch your growth in recovery.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas in advance.

[kin]

Do I fall apart the minute things don’t go according to plan? How has this affected my life?

At this phrase of my recovery, it can affect my life and threaten my recovery when everything fall apart and not go according to plan.

It has got to do with emotional sobriety, I need to be stronger because my faith, trust and confident during these difficult times is not strong enough. I could not accept the stress, disappointment, hardship, pain and suffering from life’s adversities. I could not sit and do nothing, I want to escape, I want a relief, I need a quick fix, I want a solution to change thing.

I could still focus, cope and manage with one or two major life issues but when it was a handful, I get overwhelmed and I show lack of ability  to multi task. I can lose my calm, composure and patience, I can become disturb, angry, fearful and impatient.

It was Oct 2019, I experience something like this.

My job is giving me everything I need now. 5 days work week, higher pay and doing something I was familiar.

This has happen many times, there are many office politic and distraction here, it take my mind away from my work. The center shifted from my work to the people. A colleague pick a fight with me and the manger unfairly sided with him. I had to bring this matter to the attention of the company higher management and government authority to safeguard my interest in the company.

This job provided me the income to provide for my family, living expenses, bills, loans and debt. Lose this job and income, everything fall apart.

My brother and family used to visit every weekend to offer support but suddenly this stop. My sister was away for holiday. It was during this time that my mum give me problem. Mum complain that sis and brother did not give her money, she wanted to change our maid who has been a great help to us looking after her. 

She is 90 years old, she need to visit the hospital for regular check up, she need to take her medicine on time. We need the maid to be with her all the times so that she will not fall down. With the maid, she goes outdoor very often to shop at the supermarket and window shopping at the shopping mall. I need this maid.

I have provided something within my mean to the family this month. My mum was frustrated and complaining about money. I needed to give her some but I do not have any.

My mind was also pre occupied with selling my flat, dealing with housing agent, and buyer plus all the waiting and paperwork required.

The negative emotions and feelings with relation to my job and finance, my mum and finance, my bro and sis having confident and trusting me, is building up and snowballing. I was feeling more stress, frustrated, and tired. It feel like hardship, pain and suffering. I was losing my peace, calm and patient, very important quality in crisis management.

to be continue……

I want an escape and a quick fix. I focus on what gambling can do for me. I was doing selective memory, I was able to suppress and block out the scary thought and feeling of what gambling can do to me. I was soon doing gambling, food and sex. 

I like to do alcohol, but the pain and fear of what alcohol can do to me and my recovery was stronger than what it can do for it. I dare not do alcohol and drug to self-medicate but I choose to relapse in football betting, food and sex.

I did not get rich but I win enough to survive these 3 months. Just enough to pay for everything and nothing left. Anything left will be lost to gambling in the end.

The gambling outcome did little to change my problems. The problem at work dies over time when I shifted the center to work. Bro and Sis continue to give mum the attention and money she need later, unfortunately the maid’s fate was final, they got a new maid later, mum stop complaining. Found a new buyer for my flat later.

All the problems dissolve over time and it was not due to my winning in gambling. Imagine if I had lost every single cent and got into more debt, the outcome would have been disastrous.

Nothing need to be done, There is no need to press the self destructive button. It requires strong acceptance of the situation. We need to accept it, face it and not numb it.

We need to have strong faith, complete trust and patient in such difficult time,Over time, everything will fall into place.

I have experience many other problem in the past such as unemployment, my poor health, debt and relationship matters too.

This is a lesson learn

When everything did not go according to plan, I can fall apart. This can affect my life. Choosing to relapse can made matter worst, it can be 10 times more painful and complicated. I ended up taking a longer time to return life back to normal.

I can still be prone to foolishness, carelessness and stupidity when everything fall apart and not go according to plan. “WISDOM” in living life was missing.

[kin]

If I continue gambling; this may happen, I can be sure one day, if it is not today, it is not yet, this can happen, I may end up with no money by the end of the day but once the gambling stop, the money is safe from self-destruction, I can be sure the money remain my money.

[kin]

No one fail in recovery, you either succeed or you learn a lesson.
The only time you really fail is when you stop trying completely.

[kin]

I have many addictions and I need to work on my primary addiction first.

My primary addiction is alcohol and slot machine, I would have more than a year clean time in both after Christmas this year. I last drank on Christmas last year. I have not done slot for a longer period of time.

I heard a message in my head today that it is time to be honest and work on my secondary addiction next, these are addiction that is also giving me problem and affecting my life. They are football betting and food. If I stay stop. I am sure I will lose another 10 kg in weight and improve my health. I am sure I will have more saving in the new year.

There are others such as my work, porn and sex, internet surfing but I can work on them later.

This is a comfortable pace, I am doing more now. Beside working and caring for the family, I am working on my recovery at the same time. I have stop alcohol and slot, now I need stop others one at a time. There is a sense of sadness here, it took me so many years to realize this, so many years of trying plus trial and error due to my foolishness, ignorant, stubborness and self-righteousness.

I am one of the chosen one to walk this path and this is my journey and story. I knew that I have made progress, it maybe very slow but it is progress. I am glad and grateful to accept what it given me.

It can be worst in my case, imagine watering the seed in the ground for years and years and nothing come out of the ground at all. I would be wondering what is wrong and become very lost. I will have no sense of direction in recovery.

This journey is long, I will always be work in progress.

I have hope, when I get another new place, I can go back to my school day hobby of keeping gold fish and when I am retired, maybe I can learn how to play guitar. 

[kin]

Emotional sobriety is an important factor in recovery. It means being able to confront and cope with all the negative emotions that were ignored when using alcohol for me.

It is not important to me that I have not drank since 25 Dec 2018, I did not use the slot machine longer but it is important to me that I did not drink or use the slot machine to cope with all the challenges, setback, trouble, problem, hardship, pain and suffering that I face in life in 2019.

Alcohol accelerate my deterioration in other addictions that I also acted out. I hit rock bottom faster.

[kin]

2 weeks is a short 14 days, but my recovery journey from addiction is a long 14 years.

What was I like in Aug 2005 at age 39 yrs. old?

I have tried everything and nothing really work for me. I was so desperate for help. I was very hopeless and helpless.Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, Financially, and Physically; I was a wreck and a bankrupt.

Relationship with family was so bad, I thought they have given up hope on me. Seeing me returning home remind them of their misery, I was the cause of their pain and suffering, I made them feel so unsafe and insecure in their own home.

I have no peace. I was having frequent nightmares about people that I have wrong. I was so remorseful and regret of what I have done. It was painful.

Addiction was so powerful; I need to borrow to feed my habit for many years. I was afraid of my family knowing that I borrow from loan shark in 1999, yet I borrow from loan shark knowing that I do not have the mean to pay them back. Those days I was living in constant fear. When I hear the sound of car door closing down stair or foot-steps outside my door; I was so afraid it was the loan shark coming to my house.

I borrow from so many money lenders, the harassing and chasing me for money over the phone was non- stop, and they force me to pay back with unreasonably high interest. I did not have the money and have to face off and confront money lender every week. They threaten and shouted at me. Life was very stressful, and meaningless. I was drinking very heavily to numb my stress and pain. I drink during free time and this happen every often.

Drinking have put me behind bar for disorderly behavior and the other reason has threaten to put me behind bar for a longer period of time. Cannot remember how many times I was hospitalize due to ailments and I cannot remember how many times I change job over the years.

What was life in recovery like 14 years later at age 53 years old.

I still relapse. Sometime I act out in gambling, alcohol, sex, and food but life is better now. 

Mentally – the doctor said that I have recovered from depression and have cut off my medication. I cannot remember for how long; it must have been more than 10 years.

Emotionally – I still experience mood swing from time to time but I have very high awareness now, I have developed acceptance of the mood swing and coping skills, I do not practice self-medication now.

Spiritually – The 12 steps. The Bible and God has given me a direction in life, I experiences more gratitude and contentment, joy and freedom now and less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways.

Financially – It was a dream for me to be a stable, and responsible contributor to the family. This was something I could not do for more than 25 years, it was really unimaginable, I have fail for so many years. Today I could contribute $500 to the family every month without fail for a few years. I really have no means with my limited income, but I have experience the power of God and by God’s grace, I was able to made amend and return $50,000 to a sibling.

I was almost kick out of the house many years ago and I cannot afford a shelter at that time. Today I could buy a fully paid humble place I can call my own.

Physically – the drinking stop and gave my liver the chance to heal.

14 years ago, the situation was so bad, I had nothing. If someone offer me what I have now 14 years ago, I would be very happy to accept the deal.

Recovery gave me Hope.

[kin]

1. The big issue and problem at work has pass and less burden now

2. The transaction in selling my flat is in progress and less burden now

3. My mum has calm down and not complaining to me about everyone. No more stress.

4. Finance is manageable and I am living within my means again. Lesser or no stress.

5. I have stop monitoring and not triggered by these sporting event everyday.

I start to attend support group meeting again and they do not happen suddenly, it was due to the freedom and time.

[kin]

Hi Vera,
I was glad to read your post on other thread. It is good to know that you have the drive and motivation to express your thought, feeling and emotion here. Soon everything will fall into place and return to normal.

[kin]

I feel moody today but I am not living in misery.

I win back the peace, freedom, joy, gratitude and contentment

and lost the envy and jealousy, self pity and self beating. 

This is the prize and I am grateful with what I have.

[kin]

Hi Vera,
Please kindly update wellbeing.

[kin]

Despite all that had happen, I have somehow keep every problem manageable and move on. 2 more weeks and this year will come to an end. I only need to keep myself safe for 2 more weeks and this is not the worst year I had in my recent memory.

[kin]

As the weather changes here, from hot to cooling, from cooling to hot, I will suffer eczema. It is very irritating, itchy and the dry skin can come off, it does affect how I feel and can be stressful. This happen a few times in a year. I completely forget about it until today as my facial skin appear red and feel very dry and rough.

Frustration – alcohol and gambling are a frequent thing in the past when this happen. I remember visiting the casino around this time of the year.

Acceptance – I learn to accept it, I try not to react and numb it with alcohol or gambling.

I need to learn to live with it and face it for the rest of my life.

[Author]

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