[kin]

My self-righteousness has got me into all sort of troubles. My self-belief in gambling are not realistic. I believe that I can beat the house sometime and I have done it many times; this was the truth, unfortunately it was also a trap I fall into everytime.

The fact that I can beat the house sometime will give me false hope and encourage me to continue trying. I will lose everything that I have got in the end this way.

The house changes all the time to adapt to gamblers, it has a system design to beat gamblers by psychologists and mathematicians. It can change very suddenly and quickly, I get hit by a different new rock bottom this way every single time in a very short time when I get trap and could not get out in time. I cannot beat them in the end.  

Listening to my voice and my way only get me into more financial hardships.

There is hope in a new way of life and this way is not my way. I must not take my second chance in life for granted.It could be my last chance.

[kin]

After all the bad things I have done in this life, what did I do to deserve all the good things. I am only an addict. It had to be the mercy and grace of God.

[kin]

I guess abstinent for me this year involves words that comes out of my mouth.

saying irresponsible things can be fun, unfortunately it can hurt someone at the same time, it is so selfish and inconsiderate.

Imagine how harmful and destructive words can be when saying something to a person can plant the seed of resentment inside them, it can harm their recovery in the end, this is so cruel and wicked.

Sometime it is very tempting to share or say something in the group when I should not say a word, I was impulsive and show a lack of self-control.

saying something can prove that I know something and you do not, it can made me look superior and the other inferior.

It is not important to say anything anymore. It does not benefit or help the other person and me.

I better mind my own business and do someone a favor. Keep my mouth shut.

[kin]

restrain oneself from doing or enjoying something:
to not do something, especially something enjoyable that you think might be bad:
to choose not to do or have something :
to hold oneself back voluntarily:
to refrain deliberately and often with an effort of self-denial from an action or practice:
People usually abstain from things that are considered vices:

[kin]

Hi Vera,

I always like to hear from you. You always say the wisest thing that help.

I do not intend to place hope on sport betting and food to manage my money, emotional issues.

I plan to give my recovery a fresh start.

Our recovery journey was not perfect all the way but we shall have the perfect ending at the finish line.

I do not intend to be active in alcohol, slot machine and sport betting, sex and food, work and drug in my remaining years.

I am thankful to my family, all the good counsellors and recovery buddies who help me to do what I cannot do on my own.

All glory goes to God.

[kin]

What happen when things do not go according to my plan or my plan fall apart completely?

I will first experience very painful disappointment and the thought to numb this feeling will happen automatically. Yesterday was one of those day, I want to numb my feeling and emotions after failing in every football gamble; I had excess cash, I was at the place, I had the opportunity and the time to do it.

I would have failed if this was food or football, but I have succeeded in staying stop for alcohol and slot machines in areas that I have failed at food and football.

I had very bad experience with alcohol and slot machine, I dare not experiment with alcohol and slot machines anymore.

It was 4 am, and I want to numb my feeling and emotion yesterday, there is only one place in Singapore to go where many pubs operate all the way until 6 am and prostitutes are all over the place.

I wanted to do alcohol so badly but I did not do it. It surprises me why I did not do it.

I want to find out why; write it down and hope it work for my recovery in sport betting and food.   

I ended up people watching for a few hours. I was standing near the ATM machines. The same thing that happen to compulsive gamblers happen to alcoholic too. Many women led the man to these ATM machines.

These drunk men want something that these ladies provide. They want it now and cannot postpone it to another day. You cannot imagine how many men withdraw money at the ATM machines and most are drunk. They need the money to feed their craving and desires.

I saw one man who was led by 3 ladies into a shop to make purchases for them. Two hours later, the same man was alone again, he was approach by a different lady in the same building, she holds his hand and he did not turn it down, he just follows the woman. This woman was offering sexual favor to me earlier which I nicely decline.

I was no different from all these man when I am heavily intoxicated, I can lose all my control and rational thinking, I can have very strong thought to act out my desires, I want to do it quickly and now, I cannot wait and do not care anymore about the price and consequences, and there is nothing holding me back.

Everyone knows what happen to anyone including myself after the hangover. We will regret being careless and losing all the money, we will feel foolish, stupid looking for love, care and attention in the wrong place and wrong persons.

Why didn’t I do it last night? This is so strange. What went right and what went wrong for me in my recovery?

I guess after not picking up my first drink for more than a year helps, I become less impulsive; I was slow to act out my thought. I wanted to numb my feeling and emotion. I was quick to travel there for a drink but I was not quick to drink.

I have strong fear of what alcohol can do to me, the kind of fear that I do not see in football or food. I done it too many times with alcohol to know any experiment with alcohol has the same result, it was the same for slot machine.

I have strong fear and has surrender to alcohol and slot machines, but I do not have the same level of fear and has not surrender to food and football.

One thing that I am very sure. Alcohol and slot machines can lead me to football and food but both of them do not lead me to alcohol and slot machines. This is why they are my primary and secondary addiction.

I took so many years to work and succeed in alcohol and slot machines, I am willing to work just as hard and dedicate as many years to work my food and football betting addiction.

I was surprise to notice the strong fear and vigilant in me for alcohol, I gave myself the permission to fail last night. I think about it, I feel and want to do it, but I did not do it, maybe I know that alcohol will open every flood gates and soon I will become active in every addiction all over again. It is too much for me to handle.

I have to give the same respect to football and food that I give to alcohol and slot machine. They are just as capable of destroying everything in my life.

My direction is clear for me to see in my remaining years.

[kin]

Losing streaks threaten to destroy everything and if I do not build a rock solid house recovery, this distructive force will visit me again just like those seasonal typhoon or hurricane winds and try to take everything away that I have rebuild.

[kin]

Love God, Love Family, Love Others unconditionally the way God love me.

I have provided my family for the festive season early in January 2020. I have no more pressure and worry from the lunar new year festive season end of the month and have free myself from any anxious moments due to financial reasons.

I have won more than 2 months salary from football betting recently and not going to keep these excess money to feed more gambling. I am not going to do it for myself, I am going to forget about football gambling completely for my family this month. I am not taking any chances to spoilt their celebration.

I am going to stop now. I have already received what gambling can do for me, it took effort to win 8,000 over time, and I have not forgotten what gambling can do to me, I lost 3,000 very quickly. I am on a losing streak now. I needed to be afraid, fearful and be vulnerable so I would not dare take any more risk. Stop gambling and keep the money for better use. 

The winning is a lot of money by my standard, and too much money for me on any one single day. I am contented. I am stopping gambling completely for this month.

[kin]

I always hope that my relationship with the family grow throughout the year and my relationship with family members continue to improve.

I would like to be able to hold on the same job for the rest of the year and my job remain the same.

I hope that my debt would reduce and it has reduce by the end of the year.

I wish to be able to provide the family every month without fail and I did it.

I continue to make amend to people where possible. I am about to fulfill making amend to my immediate family members after many years and is now looking at making amend to the next circle of people in my list over the next 3 years.

For many years I tried to recover and could not. If I do not treasure the good situation that I was given, my foolishness, carelessness and incredible short memory can cause me to lose everything away again.

They are important to me but I have lost everything away for many years as a result of my depression, alcohol, gambling and others.

[kin]

Hi I did it, Thank you for your kind words,. It really helps me.

I feel that sometime life can be a very unforgiving teacher, if I do not let go of some unwanted character and personality, they will come back to haunt me, it will continue to bring misery, unhappiness and struggle into my life.

They must have been something important and have mean something to their recovery when these elderly friends shared them with me. Someone have planted the seed inside me 14 years ago when I first heard these words but I only start to work on them seriously 14 years later.

One reason was the new recovery friend that I have met, I was worried and concern that they will fall into the trap if I did not warn them about it.

14 years later, when I look at all the opposite words of grandiosity, I unearth a treasure of all the answer that I was looking, they are all the spiritual qualities that can help me progress in recovery and become a better person. 

Grandiosity is so deep rooted in me that I cannot feel vulnerable when it was a very dangerous and risky, not recommended situation, because I feel that I have what it takes when I do not have it.

I still feel that I am good at what I was doing when I am not because I have lost all control of myself before and it has send me to rock bottom many times.

I do not believe that I will lose everything this time but it has happen many times;

I was gambling more often. I do not believe this can happen. I do not believe that I cannot stop gambling totally.

I was gambling bigger amount of money, I do not believe that this will happen. I do not believe that I can lose all my self control.

I cannot believe that I can be so careless, foolish, impatient, irresponsible, so blind and fearless, so dangerous in an all or nothing bet.

I was gambling more time and more money. My action show that it was ok and alright for “me”. I really feel that it was not advisable for any recovering person including myself to do it. My feeling and action is not in line.

Something is wrong with me, do I think I am different from the rest ?

When I lose my vulerability in these situations, the ending is alway the same and a very sad one.  When I do not feel fearful and scare, I will take risk and do dangerous thing.

When I feel invinsible, knowledgeable and experience, I will give myself permission to do things that a normal person will not even think or dare to do.

I think that I can handle it when I cannot.

I think that I can handle it when others cannot if everything go wrong and do not go according to plan

[kin]

Grandiosity refers to my unrealistic sense of superiority, characterized by a view that I am better and more knowledgeable than other people when I am not.

It is an exaggerated sense of one’s importance, power, knowledge, or identity, even though there may be little evidence to support the beliefs.

I feel that I can help other suffering addict when I could not.

In both active gambling and recovery, I like to show off and tell others what I know and they do not.

I spoke to them as if they are more inferior: as if I am more superior and better when I was suffering from the same problem just like them.

Rather than admit their inadequate knowledge; some will resort to lies in order to protect their false superiority and will quote untruths to make themselves look like the expert. 

Help me God to be unimpressive, humble, modest, unpretendious, unimposing, moderate, common, unassuming, insignificant, trivial, low, unimportant, restrained, unheroic, down to earth, small calm, timid, shy, reserved, quiet, passive, mousy, diffident, bashful unassertive and retiring. 

Help me to remember that I am nothing and vulnerable. I am no different from all the other new comer. I am not special, smarter, clever, unique or important. I do not have all the answer to my problems and I am also prone to falling just like everyone.

Please Help me to stay focus in my own recovery.

I need to be thankful to the newcomer who was send by God to teach me a lesson.

Many times, they are more serious, determine and hardworking than me in recovery.

[kin]

I do not enjoy football betting anymore. It is just a habit. I do not enjoy the excitement, thrill and prediction anymore. If I continue doing it from time to time, it was a habit. I do not enjoy the food anymore after some time. It was just a habit to finish the food that I ordered.  

People can change for the better or worst. If I slip my mind, I can suddenly become greedy and evil; ungrateful and unforgiving.

No one lose in recovery. I either win or I learn a lesson. There is Hope here.

[kin]

What is my thought?

I have stopped my primary addiction of alcohol and slot for more than a year.

I can recognize that my secondary addiction can grow and become a primary addiction, so I cannot pretend it is not there.

I need to work hard on my football betting, binge eating and keeping my job. I guess this will be the most beautiful present that I can receive in the year 2020.

1. I knew it was wrong, I am not suppose to do it. I cannot stop myself, I want to do it.

2. Football betting threaten to destroy me financially, and food threaten to destroy me physically. I cannot pretend that these problems are not there. These small fires threaten to grow so big that it could burn everything down in the end.

3. My character defect threaten me to react to the people and problem that everybody face at work and losing my job.

What is my feeling?

I feel that I have the knowledge and the experience. I can stop football betting, binge eating and losing my job, but I do not want to do whatever it takes to succeed. 

I did not want to manage my disease, I want to allow the illness to deteriorate.

I did not want to think of the people living around me. I was deceiving and lying to myself about how I cannot affect them.

It was so easy and second nature of me to be a selfish, self-centered and self-seeking person.

Love, caring, kind, and sacrificing my desires is not natural to me. I need to follow a teacher, a master, a God.

I am not beating myself or negative here. This is as honest as I can get about my secrets.

It took me years to practice and develop the confident and “KNOW HOW” to managing my struggle with alcohol and slot use. I can do the same with the rest.

I just ‘ NEED” to ” WANT TO DO IT.” Sadly, I feel that I didnt want to do it. I want to do exactly the opposite things.

What is my thought? I have done it a few times. I knew what to do and how to do it.

What is my feeling? I don’t want to do it.

What is my action plan in year 2020? 1. stop football betting. 2. start fasting 3. stay focus on the work, not the people.

My action plan can be different from my thought and feeling. This is what I learn in class.

[kin]

I am really sick and tired of this feeling – waking up having money at the beginning of the day and having none by the end of the day when I go to sleep.

This was the result of gambling. I will definitely not have this problem if I did not gamble and the money I had can last me until the next payday.

This is the thorn in my skin. I pray for this thorn to be remove, but some thing did not change, the thorn remains, however some thing change, I changed.

I tried to stay gamble free one day at a time. It was not a perfect journey but there was progress.

[kin]

1. All things have a creator

2. I will still be punished for my wrongdoing and crime by a fair God and Judge, any good doing after the criminal act is not going to erase my crime. I must pay for the crime in a court when I face the judge or God when I am judge.

3. I believe in the birth of a Savior on this day who was send by God, he did not sin but was sentenced to die on the cross to pay for my sin. My Savior defeated death when He rose from death 3 days later.

4. I did not earn my freedom; it was a gift from God.

My incredible short memory, my willful, headstrong and stubbornness, my selfish, self-centered and self- seeking ways will send me back to my old ways: I have a weakness and habit, I love to feed my selfish gain and desires.

I would develop fear and greed: I would like to accumulate money for the future. I do not like to suffer like my Savior, I do not like to live life in hardship, pain and suffering. My old ways always get me into trouble.

Seeking the Truth in the Bible, following my Savior has improve the quality of my life after hitting rock bottom. I survive by the mercy, and grace of the Heavenly Father, Holy Spirit and Son.

Thank God for everything.

[Author]

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