[kin]

Met some people from AA. These people told me it was the same, I know it was not the same, our rock bottom is not the same.

We can be from the same industry, I have lost my career, they have not. I was broke, they are not. I tried to take my life, they have not.

These people are very successful in their career and business today. I am not like them, I have no career, I have no money. I need to fight for survivor every single day.

I cannot afford to be complacent. I need to be very vigilant to protect my emotional sobriety.

I need to keep a safe distance from these people, I cannot do what these people are doing.

I need to continue my slow and careful baby step forward. I have gone very far this way; I do not need to follow them.

[kin]

Many of us have been unwilling to admit we were real compulsive gamblers.

No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from any other normal person.

Therefore, it is not surprising that our gambling careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could gamble like other normal people.

The idea that somehow, someday he can control and enjoy his gambling is the great obsession of every compulsive gambler.

The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of hell, insanity, heavy debt, bankruptcy, broken marriage, career, and family, suicide or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were compulsive gambler. This is the first step in recovery.

The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We compulsive gamblers are men and women who have lost the ability to control our gambling.

We know that no compulsive gambler ever recovers control.

Every one of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals—usually brief—were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.

We are convinced that compulsive gamblers of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness.

Over any considerable period, we get worse, never better.

We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones.

Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make compulsive gambler of our kind like any other normal person. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances, there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse.

Physicians who are familiar with compulsive gamblers agree there is no such thing as making a normal gambler out of a compulsive gambler.

Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn’t done so yet.

Despite all we can say, many who are real compulsive gambler are not going to believe they are in that class.

By every form of self-deception and experimentation, compulsive gamblers will try to prove themselves that they are not a compulsive problem gambler.

Many including myself like to think that we are an exceptions to this rule.

If anyone who is showing inability to control his gambling can change and gamble like a normal gentleman, our hats are off to him.

Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to gamble like other normal people!

Here are some of the methods we have tried: limiting the amount of money to gamble, limiting the number of hours spend on gambling each time, limiting the number of visit to gamble, never gambling alone, never gambling during business hours, never borrow to gamble, more careful and selective on every gamble; never gamble on every game, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, having hobbies, attending gambling support group meeting, going to Sunday service in church, reading the bible and working the 12 steps recovery program—we could increase the list.

We do not like to pronounce any individual as a compulsive gambler, but you can quickly diagnose yourself.

Try some controlled gambling. Try to gamble and stop. Try it more than once for a period of time. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it.

Though there is no way of proving it, many wanted to stop gambling, but the difficulty is that few compulsive gamblers have enough desire to stop while there is yet money, place and time to gamble.

We have heard of a few instances where people, who showed definite signs of compulsive gambling, were able to stop for a long period because of an overpowering desire to do so.

For example

I have the desire to stop gambling, I can see that my gambling would get me nowhere. Once I start gambling, I would gradually loses all my self-control one day. So, I made up my mind to stop gambling, I would not gamble or place the next bet.

After a successful gamble free period of a year. I fell victim to a belief which practically every compulsive gambler has —that his long period of gamble free time, clear mind, sobriety, self-discipline and self-control had qualified me to gamble like a normal person.

In a matter of days, weeks or months, I would hit another gambling rock bottom, puzzled and humiliated.

I will try to limit my gambling for a while, before gathering all my strength, attempting to stop gambling again and found out that I could not.

This case contains a powerful lesson. Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter gamble normally.

We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: “Once a compulsive gambler, always a compulsive gambler.’’

Commencing to gamble after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever.

If we are planning to stop gambling, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to compulsive gambling.

I like to think that I can stop gambling, on my own will power. I doubt if I can do it, because I want to stop gambling yet I love gambling, and really like to gamble again. 

[kin]

I tried to help my 90 years old mum feel better by spending time chatting with her. I ended up becoming her punching bag, she throw out all her frustration and resentments on me. She will be like that when she is trigger by my cousin or the new maid, suddenly she is very unhappy with everyone. I was the convenient target available to her.

It is not that they are lying or making things up. They are sick and unwell in the mind, they see thing and feel thing very different from us. I realize that it can be very tough to be a caregiver to an elderly who has lost their mind. It was very stressful, they can say very hurting things and it can be very painful. In short it can drive you nuts, it takes a lot of tolerant, patient and love to take care of them unconditionally. Something I feel very lacking.

They can complaint about someone or something this minute and you remind them later about what they have say and they cannot remember saying them at all. 

I kept myself sober end of the day by taking some time out to go watch a movie at the cinema, collect my feeling before I return home to the same thing.

I did not know why I did not take alcohol or gamble, I really wanted to numb my feeling with alcohol but it did not happen.

How did this happen? It just happen one day!

God’s timing is perfect. I will be making financial amends to my siblings early next month, I can invite them to dinner and update them on the latest health of my mum so that we can pay more attention to the things that she say and help her with more tolerant and  love, care and kindness. Something I am very guilty of not doing enough.

[kin]

I do not control how much time that I have left. I just have to trust my Higher Power and handover everything to the Higher Power. I just have to trust my Higher Power’s timing.

I am watching things getting done now. It was not my plan and timing. It did not happen according to my plan and way.

These are impossible task for me but I read about my Higher Power promises and His promise to deliver. They are coming true for me, amen.

All glory goes to God!

[kin]

Quality of life in recovery has improve for me and I was making amend to people over time. I was also contributing and helping people in recovery back home.

I thought it was the right time to clear some things from the past now. I was clearing my old stuff and found things that reminded me of my tragic past.

Suddenly I realize, nothing I do can help. How can I recover from all this?

This is a scary thought. Nothing I do can erase all the wrong that I did in this life. When I am facing the judge, it is useless to tell the judge that I has been doing good thing and helping people, it is not going to help or erase all the wrong that I have committed.

There are so many moments in my life when I was not in the right frame of mind, the year of 2002 was one of them, it probably explain how everything lead me to seek help for the first time in year 2005.

Why didn’t I attend to all those important thing?

I felt sad looking at all the bad things that I have done. I will forever have to live with this guilt that I have committed many unforgivable and punishable sin. 

 And yet I have to finish this race, it is not going to be beautiful but I hope it will have a good ending.  

[kin]

my fourth day of abstinent was the hardest. I tried to sleep but cannot sleep until the last 2 hours before day break and all this while… I was struggling with urge to give it all up.

I made a decision to stop fasting on the tenth day, because of the corona virus.

[kin]

When I wake up tomorrow, it will be the beginning of my 3^rd day of fasting from something I love which is sugar and rice.

I did the same thing last year, it has done me wonders and I want to carry on this practice again this year.

Me

I have failed to abstain from anything I love whenever I listen to my head.

My power fail me in the end.

I like to do the things that I want and not what I need.

I would listen to my irrational thought and justify my reason to act out. I would follow my way and end up where I do not want to be.

Now

During my fast, whenever I recognize the familiar old feeling of an urge, I just drank water and it solve the problem, I was thirsty and not hungry. I need water, not food.

When I feel any temptation before I sleep and after I wake up, I just recite The Lord’s prayer.

YOU

I did not know what actually happen to me, but after I have fasted in the last 2 days, I have experience and can tell the big difference every day. I was thinking of YOU my God more often. I am no more struggling, fasting help me to think of YOU.

Miracle

I did not have the usual craving thought for gambling and alcohol in the last 2 days. Where did all those temptations disappear to?

The wisdom here is not relying on my own strength to abstain from something I love.

The focus is on the power of God and praying for God’s strength to help me stay away from my temptations. Trusting God more and me less. Fasting is helping me to get closer to God.

I weight 86 kg before I start the fast.

Update 83 kg now

[kin]

Would I love you unconditionally? Would I do anything for you unconditionally? Would I give up anything for you unconditionally? The answer is Yes 

[kin]

Gambling, sex, alcohol and food are my entertainments. They are a very costly pass time and the price is very expensive. Not something that I should be doing.

[kin]

As long as I remain an addict, I will want to do something which I do not need.

I. I want to gamble but I do not need it

2.I want sex but I do not need it.

3. I want to drink alcohol but I do not need it

4. I want to eat but I do not need it

Someone told me that age will take care of sex and it is true. This is where I have catch my sick mind at work, my mind desire and want sex when my physical body cannot deliver. This is an evidence and poof that what my mind tell me is not reliable anymore.

The same apply to food, I had proper meal but my sick mind want somemore food even when I am not hungry a few hour later.

Tell tale sign that I should not listen to my mind.

[kin]

Many things I do did not made sense to me for many years, no one normal would self sabotage so many times or engage in self destructive behaviors like me. I thought that I was not normal  compare to others aound me until I met other addicts who was like me, I start to feel nornal like them.

I am an addict everyday. I trust and listen to myself. My self-justification, irrational thought and insanity will lead me to repeat the same old thinking and ways again and again.

Everyday I need to made a decision to choose recovery.

[kin]

Under the disguise of recovery, and “helping,”

A clean, but non-Sober person can indulge in self-righteousness. They can exercise control over the lives of others, for self-gratification.

Many new, weak and vulnerable recovering people are hurt by evil intent, many has relapse in the process, many are discouraged and has stop coming back for lunchtime meeting by condemnation and insensitive words.

Recovery person were encourage to share in lunchtime meeting, some share dark secrets, some share painful experience…

An irresponsible staff of the recovery center abuse their trust and use what was shared against them at the meeting, this person will judge, criticise, condemn and destroy his victim with his words. It was childish insensitive and cheap. 

My mentor was strict with me, he does not like me to use words to convenient my wrongdoing. For example: he does not like me to continue doing wrong just because no man is perfect. He want me to repent and turn over my ways.

I have received some professional training at work and can tell that this evil intent is misrepresenting and misleading his listeners to convenient his cause.

A professional trainer will focus on teaching the message in the book. The message in the book will not change and was the same yesterday today and tomorrow but people change, they like to add their own words to the message and change the message completely.

Everyone is expected to switch off and not use their handphone in the meeting. This person behavior shows that he think he is above the law, he tells other not to use their handphone in the meeting but has no shame to use the handphone while the meeting is going on. 

These people dismiss your dificulties or issues as unimportant or an over reaction

These people made new recovery person walk on egg shells in an effort not to upset them.

They ignore logic and prefer amateur theatric in order to remain the centre of attention

They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions

They never take responsibility for hurting others

They perceive themselves as heroes and expect preferential treatment. 

I am wary of his verbal abuse and choose not to  believe his lies and save myself from him.

My thoughts:

I can walk away and let God take care of everything, the vengence is not mine.

[kin]

Мені шкода читати про твої листи. Ця подорож триватиме. Ніхто не програє у відновленні. Ви або виграєте, або вивчаєте урок.

[kin]

Fişlerinizi okuduğuma üzüldüm. Bu yolculuk devam ediyor. İyileşmede kimse kaybetmez. Ya kazanırsın ya da bir ders alırsın.

[kin]

ਤੁਹਾਡੀਆਂ ਸਲਿੱਪਾਂ ਬਾਰੇ ਪੜ੍ਹ ਕੇ ਮੈਨੂੰ ਅਫਸੋਸ ਹੈ. ਇਹ ਸਫਰ ਜਾਰੀ ਹੈ। ਕੋਈ ਵੀ ਰਿਕਵਰੀ ਵਿੱਚ ਨਹੀਂ ਹਾਰਦਾ. ਤੁਸੀਂ ਜਾਂ ਤਾਂ ਜਿੱਤ ਜਾਂਦੇ ਹੋ ਜਾਂ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਕੋਈ ਸਬਕ ਸਿੱਖਦੇ ਹੋ.

[Author]

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