[kin]

Olá, eu fiz, Foi uma alegria ler o seu progresso. Eu gosto de ler sua postagem para outras pessoas.

[kin]

My journey was not beautiful but I will finish them one day.

54 this year and not knowing how many good years left.

Almost 15 years living this life knowing I have an addiction. During these times, been to some place and met some people who was never there for me in my most difficult time. They are not there before and I do not need these people in my life now. 

But there are some exceptional, compassionate and kind people who have stood by me all these times. These special people are rare and hold a special place in my heart. They are enough for me.

I need to re-evaluate my current situations in recovery, I must stay very down to earth and grounded. There is no need to fix something that was working for me. I only need to repeat the same thing one day at a time, and take one baby step at a time.

Nothing about me has change except the  progress and distance that I have travelled.

My debt is not troubling me as much as it used to anymore, the debt now is not a result of binge gambling but more like the living expenses any normal man or lady  would have and it is more acceptable and less punishing to myself.

I calculated that I would need to set aside 1000 sgd a month for the next 30 months to complete the next phrase of my repayment plan.

God is good. 

[kin]

God has been very merciful to me and I have survived by God’s Grace till date.

The vengeance is not mine. I will leave the false teacher and liars in the hand of God.

I was concern today that I have no one to check my thoughts ; I prayed to God to lead me and I offered 500 sgd to someone who needed help and bought them grocery at the same time.

There was a time when my mum was suffering from cancer and fracture leg, I was so poor I had no money to take the public transport to see her. I knew how painful this feel.

God is good and I was given the opportunity to pass 100sgd to someone in the meeting who shared that she will be chase out of their house and 100sgd to a man who felt very guilty and lousy for not being able to purchase milk powder for his new born baby.

My close friend is telling me to be selfish and keep the money for myself in the future because I will need them but If I was told to let God lead me, this is what happen. God love me first. It was important for me to show love and give others hope in life and humanity.

All Glory goes to God.

[kin]

I really do not know how I survive the last 6 months but I did. There was just too many things going on at the same time.

Even as I completed the task over time, I can see what was happening to me. I was anxious and fearful because of my remaiing debt and commitment, I was afraid that I would relapse and self-destruct, I was stress by mum, work, selling my old flat, and buying a new flat.

I just realize that my old laptop was not working recently and my daily activity or pattern was badly affected. I was actually suffering from the withdrawal of surfing the internet that I do everyday.

I could have fill up this void with all form of self destructive behavior but somehow I struggle and survive.It is not worth it, I did not want to be too calculative with myself for once for fear of ruining everything in my life now and bought a new laptop, radio and alarm clock to cope with my daily activities and let everything return to normal.

[kin]

“Stop the self-destructive behavior” one day at a time. It is always the same every time, that is all we can do and after a while, they all add up and life become more manageable again.
I am just glad to see you posting. I have faith in you.

[kin]

After resolving something that I have been hiding and haunting me for more than 15 years, I notice that I had a new problem adapting to a life free from guilt, shame and regrets. They have always been there since the beginning of my recovery.

Take away these load and I lose my focus on my recovery and job. I need to do a reality check of my current status and identify my existing debt and commitments.

I still need a job to keep servicing the remaining loan and commitment in the future.

I do not want to fall into the trap where I feel that “everything is ok, and I am ok” and I allow myself to get into troubles again.

I need to refocus on how I want to finish this race.

[kin]

When an alcoholic, over eater or a compulsive gambler relapse, they can try to do recovery again the next day. It Is not the same for the drug addict, if they are caught, they lose their freedom, and get lock up behind bars.

The take-away for me here is this…I would do anything to stay away from drugs. As long as I am alive and free, I have a life-time to slowly work my recovery.

Now… I would do anything to stay away from drinking, this was a very ugly form  of recovery, I would really do anything to replace the drinking and gambling. It was an imperfect way to stay clean for me but it works for me.

I learnt this from the recovering drug addicts.

[kin]

I felt that this was an opportunity that I cannot miss and most probably my last chance. I have received a cash proceed of 96,000sgd from the sales of my humble property last Tuesday and have used 105,000sgd to made financial amend to 15 person.

These people have not seen me for more than 16 years and I have lived with the guilt, shame and regrets ever since.There was a lot of self-beating, mental torment and self punishment because I cannot forgive myself. I cannot accept what I did to other people.

Now that  this is a thing of the past for me, some very heavy baggage on me was finally lifted off my shoulder.

This journey was a process of redemption and making amendment to people for me.

[kin]

August 2005 was my beginning and introduction to recovery. Two of my biggest wish in recovery was to restore my relationship with people and to made financial amend to people.

Fast forward in March 2020, my relationship with the family was restored and I have completed making financial amend to more than half of the people on my list.

It was a dream for me, I thought they would never happen, but they did.

In the past, I was always feeding my selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways. Today people are asking me to be more selfish. They also tell me not to work so hard now. These are signs that people around me are changing how they look at me.

[kin]

Man are not the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Man is fallible. I was not the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. My thought, feeling and emotion can be different every day and they could affect my decision and action.

Every day I need to make a decision. It was a daily affair. Every day I had  to make a choice to choose recovery or self-destructive behavior.

Recovery is an action plan.  I need to follow up this decision with action and commitment to deny my desire to act out my self-destructive thought, feeling and emotions.

I replace the people, place and things associated with my self-destructive  behavior with people. place and things associated with recovery and a new way of living life.

I drop in at the recovery drop-in center whenever I am free, I attend various support group meetings, I attend 12 steps recovery and smart recovery workshop and classes whenever I had the opportunity. I try to visit the church to attend service, alternatively I seek these service online,  I also watch youtube videos on recovery online and I visit this recovery website online to keep and update my recovery journal. I also meet up with other recovery people and chat over coffee or  tea. These actions act as a constant reminder and my commitment to my recovery. As a result, my journey was the same on most of the days.

My journey was not the same every day, I am still prone to making mistakes and weakness. I am human, my mind can slip, forget or get distracted by people, places and things. My recovery was not perfect, I have my fair share of slips and relapses.

My journey does not end with a slip or relapse. Slip and relapse was a part of my learning and growing process, they are a sign that I was not doing something right or correctly, they are a sign that I need to change. I intend to soldier on until the last day of my life.

I was so glad and relieve with learning how to seek progress and not perfection in my life. It has teaches me how to be happy, joyful, peaceful and grateful.

My recovery slogan was one baby step at a time. Little by little, slowly but surely, the quality of my life improves over the year.

It can never get worst as a result of addiction if one chooses this path of recovery.

Best regards and best wishes from the bottom of my heart to the person still suffering and struggling reading my thoughts here.

All glory goes to God.

With Love

Kin

[kin]

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.

1 Peter 3:10

For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies.

1 Peter 3:11

let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.

[kin]

I never expect to say this one day, I must learn how to be tolerant of others.

Tolerance is a willingness to accept others and their beliefs, even if I do not agree with them.

I need to listen carefully without jumping to conclusions and try to understand the other person ‘s point of view.

“Tolerance isn’t about not having beliefs. It’s about how your beliefs lead you to treat people who disagree with you.” ― Timothy Keller

I can agree to disagree.

[kin]

I still need to fight for my survivor everyday as I carry on living.

I have nothing to fall back on for the rainy days. My addiction only complicate matter and make me vulnerable in difficult life situation.

I have travel far taking one baby step at a time for more than ten years…my quality of life has improved and is nothing for me to complaint.

Recovery in addiction has taught me about the reality of life and force me to be humble. Recovery has not made me a better person than another person in recovery.I am still vulnerable and no different from any newcomer.

[kin]

Hi I did it

Thank you for the support and encouragements. If I am still in active gambling, it would be almost impossible for me to provide the family with my time, money, care and love.

My mum is more than 90 years old now, she is losing her memory and is saying hurting things very regularly nowadays.

I still struggle to accept what she throws at me everyday and stay sober. How I wish that I have endless tolerance. 

[kin]

I have watch one by one putting in solid effort and do what was told by the false teacher in recent years and every single one have relapse.

The person who play God to these people was quick to condemn, judge, criticize, shame and embarrass them when they relapse. This false teacher is very quick to shake off any responsibility and involvement in the recovery of the person he advise. My reply to him was which addict does not relapse, I have relapse and has keep coming back for many years.

His followers in recovery stop coming back to attend meeting after they relapse. They see the true color of this person and lost hope.

My true teacher will look for the lost sheep, he will not abandon his sheeps.

I shall mind my own business and focus on my recovery. I shall leave everything to God. The vengeance is not mine.

[Author]

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