[kin]

I have heard some news recently. They are not confirmed yet.

The client may not be renewing the contract for the service that my company is providing. I have enjoyed 15 months of stable work, income and comfort in this place. I was able to provide for the family, paid all my bills on time, have some saving every month. It was nice and wish this never end.

I was concern that a different and new working place may not be suitable. I was a little worried that if I change job, my income may be lesser than what I am getting now and may not be able to do everything that I am doing now.

I have work continuously for 15 months on this job, I was afraid and fear that this will come to an end.
These negative emotions have grown stronger recently
plus the recent hotter weather and heat is not helping and making things tougher for me.

Life can throw curve balls at me in life.
Everything is fine for me now.
I just have to work harder to stay focus on today.
I only need to stop gambling today.

I need to put in effort not to worry, fear and be anxious unnecessary with the unknown future.

It is so important to focus on living today. Living in the moment, not in the past or future.

It is so important for me to continue doing what I have been doing to help me stay gamble free.
Once I stop practicing them, the risk and danger returns.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.

[kin]

my post for today.

What does it feel like when my heart wants to do something?
My heart, driven by emotions, instincts, and desires pulls me in one direction.

What does it feel like when my mind wants to do something?
My mind, guided by logic, reasoning, and analysis, urges me to go in another direction.

What do you mean when your heart want to gamble and your mind want to stop gambling?
Cognitive dissonance occurs when two conflicting thoughts are present in the mind at the same time and both thoughts lead to indecision.
For example, your “heart” might say you want to gamble but your “mind” says you cannot gamble. There is a tug-of-war between emotions and thoughts.

Who will win?
The heart or the mind?

In the Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them,” A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.
One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”
The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.

[kin]

What was my first 24 hours after placing the first bet like?

I have difficulty sleeping despite putting in effort and trying hard. My brain is wide awake. I tried lying down on the bed for a long time, I wanted to recharge and restore my energy with sleep but I could not.

When it was time, I went to work and by the time I finish work and came home, I have not slept for more than 24 hours.

This would not have happened if I did not place the first bet.
I regretted placing my first bet regardless of the result.

Because once I start, I will feel uneasy when I had to stop and stay stop.
It was like something inside my brain change.

I took a moment to stare into the air, instead of feeling peace and calm, my head feel heavy like a hangover.

My second 24 hours, I slept like a baby and woke up feeling very normal.

I can feel peace, calm, joy, excitement, happiness, gratitude and contentment again but in my first 24 hours after the first bet, I could not feel them.

[kin]

My first post after my first bet. It was written a few days ago.

I looked back at my stupid and foolish decision after I return to my old reckless, impulsive, not sensible ways and behaviors. They can only lead to darkness and hopelessness in the end one day.

If I have continued on gambling, I will end up losing all my money – all the winnings; all my savings in addition to new debts that I may have borrowed to chase losses.

I shall wake up to the reality of gambling and face the costly price and heavy consequences or damage of my mistake. It will be another rock bottom.

Repent before it is too late.

I am telling myself to stop and stay stop.
I am telling myself to get out and stay away from danger immediately.

After you win, you want to win more; I would have to battle my greediness; that is why it was easy to stop but difficult to stay stop until you lost everything

I may have a grandiose and unrealistic plan, I may hope to do something beautiful with the money. But unfortunately they always never come true. This is the truth.

I cannot find any explanation. When I work hard, I could use all my money on my family. It was a responsible and selfless act of love for others.

But when I was active gambling, I may be handling more money but I did not want to use these money on my family. Why? This is just so ugly. It shows how irresponsible and selfish I can become after I gamble.

I have become so self-centered, self-seeking and greedy, that loving and caring for others is no longer my top priority.

I only care about what I want to do; I only wish to continue gambling with the money and hope to win some more.

Like the Jekyll and Hyde story, gambling has turn me into an evil and selfish demon.

In reality, this is the beginning and starting.
The common ending for this kind of story is usually a terrible, dark and tragic one.

Gambling has come to rob, steal and destroy. Those gambling businesses are very deceiving.
They are very sure as long as we return to gamble, we will lose back everything we win and more in the end.

Win/lose: I lost in the end.
Gambling makes me sick and unwell.
This is the truth.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Hi marcus,

Many thanks for this post.

I really appreciate your sharing.

[kin]

Hi Don,

Many thanks for this post.

I appreciate your support and help.

[kin]

Did I regret my decision to place the first bet? Yes

After placing my all or nothing bet, I really regretted not doing what I have been doing to stay gamble free.
I was looking at a big loss and more debt – it made me feels very stupid, willful and self-centered.
I should have know what will happen in the end.

I was lucky this time. I escape without damage.

My barriers work on most days but not all the day.
I have ask someone to safekeep my saving for me and I cannot use them for gambling.
I carry bank card with me incase I encounter unexpected need to use money;
it was this bank facility that I use to get money to gamble and they charge a pretty high interest.
When I wanted to gamble, I did not care about the high interest.
It was a dangerous act, it was a very high risk gamble.

I can feel myself losing my self-control.
I could have lose my self-control completely if I had carry on gambling.

Repent before it is too late.
The heavy consequences and costly price is not worth it.
After I place my first bet, next bet and last bet, I really think that I have made a very bad decision.
I made a big mistake when I did not practice staying away from danger
It was my rest day, I did not stay away from places that accept my bet and I have borrowed to gamble;
I did all the wrong things otherwise the first bet will not occur.

[kin]

I seem to gamble around the same time of the year after months of gamble free days.
It was like drinking ice cold beer on a hot day.
It was a choice and a habit. It is definitely a bad choice and unhealthy habit.

In the past, once I start my gambling, I will not stop until I hit rock bottom.
Now I have a chance to repent; I stop my gambling; I walk away from gambling;

I have lost my focus in recovery; I have drifted away from my goal and direction.
I took the opportunity to refocus and stop my gambling today.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in, I am lost, I am hopeless.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I dun see it, I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I can see it is there, I still fall in, it is a habit.
I know where I am. It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Dear diary,

I have a slip and place my first bet on 31st March 2024, it is a habit.
Compulsive gambling is a progressive illness.
I have started gambling and if I continue gambling,
it will lead to compulsive behavior and soon I will be out of control.
I need to stop. I need to repent before it is too late.

Win/lose in my first bet, I find myself unable to resist the next bet.
I do not wish to chase winning or losing until I lose my self-control completely.
If I stay gamble free for the next 24 hours, it will be my first gamble free day.

I do not have to start all over again, I do not lose my experience, knowledge and recovery.
I accept what has happen. I shall move on with life.

My life has improve when I stayed gamble free.
Gambling is a lie. I am not going to believe this lie and false hope.
I get out immediately.

Every slip and relapse is a lesson and learning opportunity.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Mindfulness is the practice of gently focusing your awareness on the present moment over and over again.
Mindfulness helps someone who likes to worry, fear, get anxious thinking about the past and the future.

Some examples of mindfulness exercise are mindfulness meditation, mindfulness breathing, mindfulness drawing, mindfulness writing, mindfulness reading. Journaling is one of them.

[kin]

Freedom let me do whatever I want whenever I want.
Even though I am free to do anything; freedom let me choose not to do certain things.

Freedom does not mean I can do anything I want, they can land me in hospital, jail, homeless or death.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I am mindful that anything can change suddenly, they can be uncertain, unpredictable and unexpected.

I may lose the comfort zone and security that I have been enjoying for more than a year at work. There is rumor of change but it is not confirmed yet. I need to accept my situation if it is true. I do not have a solution for the coming change.

The worry and fear I feel may not come true. I need to be prepared mentally and accept my new problem without the gambling. Gambling is not a solution to my problem.

This is the new me.

[kin]

It was very tempting to do other things today.
It is something I enjoy doing but I cannot afford the heavy consequences and costly price.

I need to be discipline and obedience today.
I have just finished my long working hours, I must take a shower and go to sleep.
I need to recharge and restore my energy.

[kin]

Hi jvr3419

Thank you for your post.
I am so glad that I did not dismiss your post as just another ordinary sharing.
I have found some very valuable information in your post
They have answer a question I had for many years.

Your post gave me a direction.
I read up on them and learn so much on an area I know so little.
I really appreciate your generosity and kindness to care and share your personal experience in here.

In the meanwhile, I need more time to organize what I have learn before I can post them later.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.

[kin]

The Rootless Tree

God created all things visible and invisible
Like the visible tree and its invisible root.

If the person is free from self-destructive behavior
but not deep rooted with spiritual principles.
Any strong winds will uproot the tree
Just like the person is waiting for some good or bad news to happen
He/she will lose his/her sobriety.

The person can stop gambling;
Everyday living problems is not going to stop

The easy part is stopping;
The difficult part is staying stop.

They say the solution is a spiritual one.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by kin.

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