[kin]

Getting into debt and out of debt was like getting in and out of prison for me; this is how I lost my freedom. It has happened to me many times.

When that happens, I will surely say that I would change this time; it will not happen again. But once I am free from debt, I will continue to make the same mistake.

I am giving up this way of life.

[kin]

Have you ever wondered why parents choose to keep their imperfect child before they are even born? Have you seen the touching love that these parents show their child? I do not have an answer.

I have a big problem with “this or that is not good enough for me” in my life. I was not humble. I was a proud person. I was chasing pleasure and I did not know how to live simply.

And when people think that I am not good enough for them, I will be angry and disappointed. I cannot accept the reality and truth. I grow up wishing I was perfect and chasing perfection.

I grow up trying to please people and did not know how to love myself. I will feel very insecure if I lose control of things in my life, I will become very anxious and desperate to regain full control.

Today I realize that my outlook in life has change. If I know that this thing, this person, this place is a gift from God, it is good enough for me. I am happy with the way they are.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.

[kin]

What did I pick up in recovery recently

Those who follow …will not be put to shame

The proud…will not go unpunished

[kin]

2005-2024 was my years of experience. I am the only expert in my life.

I have grown from addressing my own gambling problem in recovery to addressing the problems that leads to my gambling in recovery.
I have grown a better insight into my problems and a better understanding of the people with my problems.

This is how I tackle my problem now. I address the underlying issues and causes now; the root of the cause.
I have learnt and discover my impulsive control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and emotional dysregulation disorder.
This was supported by all the evidences that has happened in my life.

Not everyone have these problems, some people have a straight forward gambling problem.
It was simpler, they only need to stop and stay stop in gambling.

Not everyone knew they had these problems because it was not diagnose and remain hidden.
They continue to suffer from these illnesses.
They can stop the gambling but they will continue to suffer from the same illness that will cause them to start gambling.
When they receive healing and recover from this illness, the problem that cause them to start gambling reduces.

[kin]

Today was my off day; I have earn and deserve the rest. I can now relax myself journaling and do some mindful writing before I get more sleep to recharge and restore myself.

I have worked long and unhealthy hours without break, I was so tired and exhausted that I could fall asleep while doing my job. I was not lazy; I was just simply too tired. That was my limit, if anyone is not happy with my effort; it is fine with me. I have done my honest best. I will be happy to move on to another job. In the meanwhile, I am not quitting until I have done my best. I am doing my best without troubling anyone to help me made a life changing decision. I will know the outcome of my effort in 6month time.

In the spirit of one thing at a time, April and May was a very difficult month for me due to many expected and unexpected changes. I experience big change in my job, finance and renovation works at home. It was a very uncomfortable time; this is a time I was hit by multiple curve balls in life at the same time.

Today I realize that I was 10 times stronger in recovery compare to when I first started. Those days, I would become very frustrated and angry, dissatisfied and discontented on the smallest of thing such as receiving unexpectedly 30 dollars lesser in my pay, I feel that it is not ok and would press the self-destruction button. I would seek comfort in alcohol and gambling; I was more impulsive and my obsessive-compulsive behavior was more serious at that time, I explode more easily.

Today, I can receive unexpectedly 300 dollars lesser in my pay, I would try even harder to remain calm and protect my sobriety; I do not want to rock my boat, I do not want to listen to my mind and heart to seek pleasure and escape the pain and hardships.

I have accepted in life that bad things do happen to good people or even people who did not do anything wrong. I do not envy good thing happening to people who do bad things. This is life; it is not perfect. I am not alone; it happened to everyone. People get hit by curve balls in life, some more than others and this is the challenge; you do not always get straight ball throw at you in life.

I did not seek pleasure and find comfort in all the unhealthy stuff, I have stayed stop in gambling.

[kin]

Congratulation on passing your examination!

[kin]

I just realize I have heard and known 3 separate cases about wife attempting suicide because the husband was a compulsive husband and did not stop gambling. The husband gamble; the wife and children suffers, the wife and children did not deserve all these punishments.

[kin]

I woke up early today and did some repair work at home. After breakfast, I was reflecting on the take away from the gambling support group meeting I attended yesterday.

Lessons
1. Vertically, we need to connect to a Higher Power and horizontally, we need to connect to people in recovery.

2. Real life testimony of a person who suffered a relapse after staying gamble free for 10 years, he shared about having false pride, he was over confident and pretending that he will not make mistake or gamble again, he stop attending gambling support group meeting.

3. Real life testimony of a person who suffered a relapse and hit a new rock bottom. In his first relapse, he was in debt of 20,000 sgd. He was able to clear this debt after staying gamble free in recovery. He stopped attending gambling support group meeting, not long after he suffered another relapse. His debt was now 100,000 sgd or 5 times bigger than before.

4. Real life testimony of a gambler who have lost all his money. His family suffered greatly and his wife wanted to commit suicide because of his gambling. Gambling really harm and destroy the family.

5. Real life testimony of a gambler who lost all his money, job and home. He has no place to stay.

I was grateful to hear these powerful sharing.
I cannot pretend that I will not make mistake, and I cannot be over confident that I will never relapse.
I can make the same mistake too if I am not careful.
I must not stop my journaling here and continue to attend support group meetings;
These activities has help me stay stop in my substance and behavioral use.

They are like safety rope tied around my waist catching me when I fall
It prevent me falling uncontrollably all the way down to the bottom if I fall.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.
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[kin]

Life in recovery remains imperfect.
I have learnt to accept the reality in my life.
I have stop my perfectionist behaviors.

Instead of focusing on all the things that I did not achieve in recovery and sink into self-beating and self-pity mode.
I look at all the things which I was able to do and achieve in recovery which otherwise would not be done.
It was all positive and encourage me to continue recovering.

It was my off day, I woke up early. I have arrange to meet up my counsellor to talk about things at 11 am today;
I had 17 smooth going, stable and comfortable months but in the last 4 weeks, nothing seem to be working;
it felt terrible but I did not slip or relapse this time.

After breakfast, I walk pass the 4m tree that I tried to help yesterday on my way home.
I saw the tree bending side way from the 2.5m height.

I saw my help can only do so little; when I stretch my arms upwards, my hands can only reach a little more than 2m.
I tried to tied this tree to the supporting straight pole beside the trunk;
Yesterday the tree was bending 90 degrees sideway below 1m, today it was bending above 2m.
The picture I see amazes me. Yesterday I saw one life in the tree.
Today I see two lives in the tree, the tree and the bird resting on the part that was bend sideway.

There is a Higher Power at work providing life to the tree, the bird and me. I was grateful.
I cannot control everything that happens in my life but I can stop gambling with the help, mercy and grace of my Higher Power.

Suddenly I feel that life was like a movie
there was a creator, script writer, director
I play the character.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Hi samyse

I am glad to see you taking the first step to seek help early for your problem instead of living in denial.
I did not seek help early and my damage was easily more than 20 times the amount you mentioned in sing dollars.

We suffer from a progressive illness; we are advise not to place the first bet,
the fist bet leads to the next bet; the betting become more frequent and the bet size grow bigger;
it will comes to a point where we have lost total control of ourselves;
We soon realize we could not stop betting despise the serious bad consequences.

Recovery Slogans:
– Do the Next Right Thing
– First Things First
– One Thing at a Time
– One Day at a Time

Stopping is the easy part, staying stop is the difficult part.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Things was smooth going, stable and comfortable for 17 months, suddenly everything is not working over the last 4 weeks.
I choose to meditate and pray on the words that “everyone who believes in the Higher Power will not be shame.”
I discover new found strength and power not from within me to stay gamble free and trust the words all the way to the end.

I did something I never do before today:
I was passing by and saw a young plant about 4 metres tall bending 90 degrees to the side in the public,
it was supposed to be tied to a straight pole for support,
I felt something for the plant, it must be suffering and painful,
I decided to help the plant, I got some rope to tied it to the straight pole.

It was natural for me to be calculative, overthink and end up gambling during hard times.
Instead of fear and tightening my money during this uncertain and threatening times
I decided to spend 380 sgd on the following:
1. a wireless power drill, I always wanted to get it to do some minor repair work at home
2. nice food for the family
3. massage for myself to release the tension in my body

I spend the money on good cause;
I did not try to recover the money by gambling;
I did not gamble, I did not use alcohol.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I did not know I had other problems, it took me many years to finally realize that I suffer from other mental conditions such as impulse control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, emotional dysregulation disorder

It probably explain my long and difficult lifetime struggles in recovery. I could not keep a straight line, I always drift away and had to constantly made very painful adjustment to correct myself each time in life.

I am not here to compare myself with others, I have not been able to obtain complete abstinence or perfection in my recovery.

I have learn to accept and live with the curve balls throw at me. I have learn to be at peace with myself and I have learn to be happy and grateful for the progress that I made. They did not come easy for me.

Everything is not ok but I am ok. I am grateful to be alive today.

I shall follow your words to stay gamble free all the way to the end today.

[kin]

I deal with my anxiety, fear and worries and it did not end up in gambling
It means that I did not have to face the problem brought by gambling in the end

I did not seek pleasure when facing the curve ball throw at me in life
I found peace

I shall follow your words to stay gamble free all the way to the end today

[kin]

Isaiah 55:9
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Romans 10:11
“Every man who believes in him will not be shamed.”

Dear Father in Heaven,
I shall follow your words to stay gamble free all the way to the end today.

[kin]

After my last day of service in my last work site, I was very anxious and worried about my future in the company, asking my supervisor to spend time and effort to help me find me a suitable work site island wide is a hopeless thing because my supervisor wouldn’t go the extra mile in his work to help. But who would have predicted that my supervisor will fall sick and be on medical leave for many days last week and his duty at work was taken over by our manager who is very helpful. My manager gave me a few available work sites to pick one for the next suitable work site and I made my decision today.
This is a new experience for me because in the past when things get out hand and I am losing control of everything, and when I felt hopeless and helpless, disappointed and frustrated, I may press the self-destruct button. It has happen many times.
This time I follow the words, I cannot see my future but I choose to remain faithful and trust that I will not be put to shame following my Higher Power. True enough, I cannot see the change of events that was coming in the future, it has turn from darkness into light unexpectedly for me.
Thank God, I was able to remain still, I did not over-react, I was not impulsive, I did not made a foolish and reckless decision, I did not gamble during this painful, anxious, uncertain and hard times.

[Author]

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