[kin]

Beware of distractions that can takes me away from my Higher Power

It is very important to stay focus on my Higher Power; and not to get distracted by the people I meet, the places I visit and the things I see happen around me. I must continue to submit and surrender to the Higher Power.

Submit to a Higher Power

It was so easy for me to drift away automatically and become complacent after things was doing well. I would slowly stop doing what works for me; I stop correcting myself every single step; I stop practicing repentance and following my Higher Power. My old ways; the old “me, I, myself” will sneak in quietly to take over the steering wheel. How many times have I stop gambling and fail to stay stop gambling.

I will not go unpunished if I think that my old way is better and the Higher Power is not good enough for me because the Higher Power’s way and thought is higher than me.

Humility

It was not my timing and many years later, I finally met a proud, arrogant and confident man who becomes humble recently. I could identify and recognize his change. I can see what he did differently to achieve this desire change. I can relate to every word that this person tells me. I can see his change and the process happening. I saw and understand why he did certain things. It was easier for me to follow his examples. I was able to learn from his example and achieve changes quickly.

I have struggle to learn from a humble man for many years how to be humble in recovery. I could not see what he did differently to successfully achieve the desired change, he was always the same. He always gives all glory, all thanks and all praise to the Higher Power. I could not see and find the missing pieces. But I can see the difference and change in a person when someone who boast a lot suddenly decided to stop seeking self-glory and boasting and give all glory, all thanks and all praise to the Higher Power.

Consistency and persistency; be grateful and thankful in good times and bad times.
Perseverance and resilience; sticking to the plan all the way to the end.

My recovery has become more rock solid, and stronger; I believes that “everyone who believe will not be put to shame.”

I believe that this journey is not perfect, the person may experience setback and failure on the way but a believer will rise up again each time. My confident and awareness grows; I learn to be more careful.

Proverbs 24:16
For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble in time of disaster and collapse.

[kin]

Genesis 3:19

“for dust you are and to dust you will return”

It teaches one to be humble and never think that you are better than anyone else.

[kin]

Hi rising phoenix,

Thank you for your presence in here.

Your honest sharing carry a very strong message “the reality and truth.”

This journey was not perfect, if it has not happen to anyone, the answer is not yet.

We have continue this good fight because we believe that those who believe shall not be put to shame and the proud shall not go unpunished.

Keep fighting the good fight!
Stick to the plan all the way to the end.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Hi risingphoenix,

You have been consistent and persistence;
you keep doing the thing that has work;
sticking to the plan all the way to the end.

Congratulation on your gamble free days!

[kin]

If I give my leftover time, effort and money to someone something some place
It just goes to show my priority and how much is my commitment for someone something some place.
I am only giving my leftover, I am not giving my everything.
people gives leftover to homeless, beggar and stray dog

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

A string of bad fortunes and events

1. Recently the weather everyday was 32 degrees, it was hot. My eczema flares up; I will feel stress and irritable.
2. I was tired easily lately and needed rest but my mind tells me to keep a perfect work attendance
3. Yesterday I was assisting someone at one location and something happen in another location at work, I cannot be in 2 places at the same time. My colleague was present but choose to do nothing.
4. I apply for leave from work in the following day to take a good break and rest, it was rejected, I was really shocked and surprised; I was angry and confused. In the end, it was an error in the system and it was rectified on time.
5. Today I notice that my nose is a little block and my throat has phlegm. I was feeling unwell. This explain why I was feeling vulnerable lately.

Frustration and anger could have taken over me, it could have triggered me and threaten my sobriety.

I was watching the situation and progress; on one hand I was moving closer towards the light. On the other hand, darkness did not want that to happen; I will be attack; darkness will try to make me fall, darkness wanted me to choose places and do things that is not good for me.

Man is fallible. Thoughts to relapse; choosing to sin, fall, slip and relapse in many ways crossed my mind yesterday. I do one thing at a time, went to one place at a time, I went to places and did things that keep me safe until tomorrow, I will be baptize on this day.

I visited the recovery drop-in center; it was sad to know that a young man who has shared in the same support group meeting has pass away from drug overdose.

Recovery is a serious matter for us.
Recovery save life!
Recovery saved our family and love ones from further hurt, harm and heartaches from us!

My deep thought:

Everyone is looking for love, hope, purpose and a good reason to carry on living.
If you cannot have that miracle you want; you can be that miracle for another person.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

(I am still working on my last post. This is my amended copy)

What was my life like before I was saved?

Before I was saved, I was very impulsive when under stress, worries, and fear or facing temptations.
I have made many mistakes and bad decisions this way.

I suffered from impulse control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and emotional dysregulation disorder.

Many times my judgement was poor at the most critical moment; I could not tell the difference between what was right and wrong before I act or I was just simply too selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. All I care about was only my feeling and this is how I have hurt or harm another person with my bad decisions.

In the past, when I was very stress or suffering from some illness or conditions, I would allow myself to take alcohol, food, sex, and drug to make myself feel better. Other times I would gamble when I do not have enough money to take care of everything, they have help me in rare moments to solve my problem, but this way of living and lifestyle is really very foolish, reckless and a disaster in the making. It has wipeout everything in my life, it has destroyed all my relationships, career, health and saving in the end.

How did I get saved?

I learnt that I am still wrong in the court of law or in the eyes of God when I was disobedient or did something wrong even if my intention was good.

I have stop doing all those foolish and reckless acts now; I do not run away or hide from my problem and I have learnt to give up and stop my old ways by following a new way.

Things started to change for me after I understand that many people I have met are actually suffering from some underlying illness or conditions which explain their unreasonable behavior.

If I was also suffering from the same thing, I can understand them better and it has helps me to have more empathy and compassion towards them. I can feel and understand their helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness, hardships, sufferings and pain when they are rejected by others. People in the society are generally quick to stereotype, label, judge, criticize, and condemn a person.

How did my life change after I was saved?

I learnt that I was a liar when I choose to love a God that I cannot see and not love a person that I can see.
Today I have learnt to love others and it has help me to be less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.

I learnt that I was a hypocrite, I can be cruel, wicked and evil when I am caring, loving, kind and helpful only to people I like and not to the people I dislike. I will avoid or walk away from the people I dislike; I am afraid they will ask me for money; make me lose my job; ask me to let them stay in my home; order me what to do; shame and disgrace me in front of others. I do not know how to love those people who are unlovable and unfortunates. I suddenly realize that this is also how I made other people think and feel about me; I was that unlovable person.

Today it has become a test and a lesson for me every single time;
to learn how to humble myself, care and serve other people especially those that I do not like.
I have really found it hard to love the people I know and do not like without any ill feeling or resentment.

Today I was more forgiving, and less judgmental.
The difficult people I met has help me learn to be kinder and more loving to them and myself.
Today I do not beat myself up so hard when I am not perfect.
I have learn to accept my imperfection; sometime I can choose to be kind and loving instead of being right.

I am very much a work in progress. I am a sinner trying to repent.
I can sin and I can make mistake
I need help to change.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

In the beginning, when I journal, I write about the following:

1. What is my thought?
2. What is my feeling?
3. What is my action plan?

Today when I journal, I write about the following:

1. What was my life like before I was saved?
2. How did I get saved?
3. How did my life change after I was saved?

[kin]

What was my life like before I was saved?

Before I was saved, it was natural for me to fight or flee when under stress, worries, temptations and fear and I have made many mistakes and bad decisions as a result this way.

I suffered from impulse control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and emotional dysregulation disorder.

My judgement was poor and I simply could not tell the difference between what was right or wrong at that time or I was just too selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. All I care about was only my feeling and this is how I have hurt or harm another person with my bad decisions.

In the past, I could be stress or suffering from some illness or conditions, and I would allow myself to take alcohol, food, sex, and drug to ease my tension and anxiety. Other times I would also gamble when I do not have enough money to take care of everything. They have help me in rare moments to solve my problems but this way of living and lifestyle was really foolish, reckless and a disaster in the making, it has wipeout everything in my life, it has destroyed all my relationships, career, health and saving.

How did I get saved?

It was very important for me to be mindful and not forget that it was still wrong in the court of the law or in the eyes of God when I choose to do something wrong or disobedient even if my intention was good. I have stop doing all those foolish and reckless acts now; I do not run away or hide from my problem now. I have learnt to give up or stop my old ways by choosing to follow a new way now.

Things started to change after I understand, that many people I have met are actually suffering from some underlying illness or conditions which explain their unreasonable behavior, especially if I was also suffering from the same thing, I can better understand them and it has helps me to have more empathy and compassion towards them. I can understand their helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness, hardships, sufferings and pain when they are rejected by others in the society. People are quick to judge, label and sentence people like us.

How did my life change after I was saved?

I learnt that I was a liar if I choose to love a God that I cannot see and not love a person that I can see. Today I have learnt to love others and it has help me to be less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.

I learnt that I was a hypocrite, wicked and evil when I am caring, loving, kind and helpful only to people I like and not to the people I dislike. I will avoid or walk away from them; I am afraid they will ask me for money; make me lose my job; want to stay in my home; tell me what to do; shame and disgrace me. I do not know how to love or help the people who are unlovable and unfortunates. I suddenly realize that this is also how I made other people think and feel about me too. I was that unlovable person.

Today it has become a test and a lesson for me every single time; to learn how to humble myself, care and serve other people especially those that I do not like. I have really found it hard to love people I know and do not like. It was easier to offer a stranger I do not know.

Today I was more forgiving, and less judgmental.
Today I know that I have other choices.
I can choose to be kind and loving instead of being right.

I am very much a work in progress. I am a sinner trying to repent.
I can sin and need help to change.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

It was natural to fight or flee under stress, worries, temptations and fear for me.
I have made many mistakes and bad decisions this way.

It is very important for me not to forget that it is still wrong in the court of the law or eye of the God to do something wrong even if my intention was good, it is not an excuse to choose doing wrong. In the past, I could be in pain or suffering from some conditions, and I would allow myself to take alcohol, food, sex, gamble and drug. My judgement was poor and I could not tell what is right or wrong or I was simply too selfish, self-centered and self-seeking, all I care about was how I feel.

I do not do that now; I do not run away or hide from my problem now.
I learn to give up or stop my old ways by choosing to follow a new way.

I am a liar if I love a God that I cannot see and do not know how to love a person that I can see;
I have learnt to love others and it has help me to be less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.

But I was still a hypocrite, wicked and evil when I am caring, loving, kind and helpful only to people I like and not to people I dislike. I do not know how to love and help the people who are unlovable. I will avoid or walk away from them. This is always a test and trial for me every single time; I do not know how to humble myself, care and serve other people especially to those that I do not like. It was easier to love a person I do not know or stranger. I find it very harder to love people I know and do not like. I was less forgiving, more judgmental and critical.

However all that change after I know that some people are suffering from some underlying illness or conditions which explain their unreasonable behaviors, especially if I was also suffering from the same thing, I can better understand them and it helps me to have more empathy and compassion for them.

I knew the helplessness, the hopelessness, the loneliness, all the hardship, suffering and pain when the same rejection and disappointment happens to me. People are quick to judge, label and sentence me.

Learning to love the unlovable has help me understand myself better; I was that unlovable person.
I have learn to be more forgiving, loving, caring, and kind; less judgmental, hard and harsh on myself.
This is a wish, I hope to be able to do the same for others.
I am very much a work in progress. I am sinner trying to repent.
Help me change God.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

What was my life like before I was saved?

Before I was saved, I was very selfish, self-centered, and self-seeking.
I suffered from impulse control, obsessive compulsive and emotional dysregulation disorder.
I will do what I want to do when I want to do;
I want to take alcohol and eat whatever I want
I want to take alcohol and have sex
I want to take alcohol and gamble
I want to take alcohol and doctor prescribe drug

This type of freedom only leads to my addiction and slavery.
I lost all my money and borrow a lot of money so that I can continue with my self-destructive ways.
All my friends eventually left me and avoided me, they are afraid that I will bring them harm.
Sadly, my family members suffered the most, they are like my hostage, they have nowhere to run from me, they have to live in fear, insecurity and worries because of me.

How did I get saved?

In the year 2013, I met a stranger. He was like a God send messenger to me.
He did not look down on me. He wanted to buy me a coffee and talk.
That night he told me that the answers I was seeking can be found in a book.
I asked, “which book?” He replied that it was the bible.

At that time, I was very lost, hopeless, fearful and broken.
This man showed me that the bible and God can help me.
We started to meet over the next 10 years.
I was a sinner; I would confess to him and he would pray for me.

In the book of James chapter 5 verse 16 says
Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

In the first book of John chapter 1 verse 9 says
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just. He will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

How did my life change after I was saved?

I stop thinking that my money is my money; I can do anything I want with my money.
I started to take responsibility on how I use my money wisely
I start to learnt about the ability to joyfully do what God want me to do with the money He has entrusted me for his purpose and His glory and I start to develop this ability to do the right thing and say “no” to the wrong thing.
I must confess here that, “I am not perfect; I am a sinner; I am still a work in progress.” When I am very lost and confuse on what to do and how to do the right thing:

It was written in the book of Matthew chapter 22 verse 36 to 40

36 Teacher which is the greatest commandment in the law. 37 Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the first and greatest commandment.
39 and the second is “Love your neighbor as yourself.

In the first book of Corinthians, chapter 13 verse 13 says
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love

In the book of Matthew, chapter 5 verse 23 to 24

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

The bible was like a compass for me and God’s word has given me a direction in my life.
This has help me made the choice, between being right to the moneylender and being kind and loving to my family.
This has given me newfound strength and courage to love and be kind to my family first.

I stop fearing the moneylenders, I stop feeding the moneylenders and start feeding my family.
I have broken almost every promise made to my family, they can still remember and fear that I could harm them again.
Today they are the one who tells me that I have change.
God has help me to contribute to my family every month in the last 8 years without fail.

God has help me to return the money I took from many honest people.
They trusted me, they do not deserve to be cheated and punish for my wrongdoings.
They did not expect to see me after so long but I show up more than 15 years later at their door step to return them their hard earn money.

I really never thought this day will come, I could not made amend to the people I harm on my own after trying for so many years. I almost give up trying but God makes it happen for me in His timing, not mine.

In the book of Romans chapter 3 verse 10 to 11
As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one; There is no one who understands; there is no one who seek God.

I begin to seek progress and not perfection.
I leave my life in the hand of God.
Everything happens for a reason and I thank God for everything good and bad.
I have learnt to accept and live my life on life’s term, not my term.

Lastly, I need to constantly warn myself all the times

In the first book of Corinthians chapter 10 verse 12 says

“So if you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.”

In Proverbs 16:18

Pride goeth before destruction, and the spirit is lifted high before a fall.

When I become proud and arrogant; when I think that I am in control, more careful and better than another person; I have return to the old “me, I, myself” and very vulnerable to going back to my old ways.

My old ways do not work, I need to follow a new way; I need to seek a closer relationship with God.

I would like to praise and thank God for His mercy, and grace in saving me, in Jesus Christ ‘s holy name. Amen!

[kin]

What was my life like before I was saved?

How did I get saved?

How did my life change after I was saved?

These 3 question help remind me of the things I did that has work for me.
It has given me a direction for the next few years.

I am work in progress, there is room for improvement.
I need to work harder on my obedience and love, humility and pride.

I am grateful and thankful.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.

[kin]

When I was stressed by unexpected financial obligations, I will get triggered to gamble. Something was wrong, I have enough money for substance and behavior addiction but I do not think I have enough money to do the right thing. Both required the same amount of money.

I prayed to God to protect me from evil and not let me fall into temptations, I can see the distortion in my thinking so I stayed away from slippery places where drinking and gambling may take place to stay safe.

[kin]

In recovery, I was hit by countless setback until I feel like giving up!

Many times, when I expect a straight ball, I get hit by a curve ball, this is the reality of life.
I have learnt how to live and accept my life on life’s term;
I will still be hit by setback and I will be hit by setback after setback until I walk out in victory!

I did not waste especially my last ten years in recovery;
a mentor and a Higher Power changes everything for me.
I was molded and shaped into someone that develop in a particular way.

I have no regrets.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by kin.

[kin]

My way does not work, so I follow a new way.
I become open-minded and willing to follow a new way unconditionally, without any reservation.
I started to surrender, submit and obey
My trust, faith and confident to obey started to grow
I start to stick to the plan all the way to the end.

All I need to do is simple; just obey and follow.
Vertically I connect to a Higher Power
Horizontally I connect to people

It was this new way that has help me to stay gamble free now.

[Author]

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