[kathryn]

Yesterday my husband worked a 17hour day, which is extremely rare…he then had to get up at 545am to go back to work this morning so i thought i would tell you a bit more about him.
Although my husband and i have gambled together for many years, he is a wonderful man and i think i have been playing the victim a bit when telling you all about him.
I have been unfair to him… he works so hard for his family, and every week he comes home with his pay and gives it to me..(getting my drift?) I would then go and gamble it all away.
Yes, he likes the pokies, but when it comes to the c.g. i am the one who has brought us to the brink of despair.  In reality when we have gone, i am the one who says ‘ill just get more money’. He doesnt argue with me, im sure he is a c.g.too but more of a binge gambler where as i had to go all the time. 
Now that im not gambling, he is not bothered, he knows i cannot go and is supporting me, telling me he is proud.  If he ever reads this i want to say.. Dames, i love you. You have been here for me all these years through good and bad (lots of bad). I am a lucky woman to have you at my side and i thank my higher power every day.
I am thankful today, for my family and for all of you here at GT for helping me in my recovery.  I feel ive been given a lifeline, a second chance to really do right.  And im going to..just for today of course!
Thanks for reading, KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi Dave
Im pretty excited bout finding the real Kathryn…. havent seen her for almost 15yrs (mmm i wonder if she will look like Angelina Jolie lol).  I wanted to reply about the bitchy mum kinder thing.  Im afraid its a case of once bitten twice shy for me…you see i did kinder with my eldest child ( mind you she just turned 18) and i was only 26 at the time.  It was awful. I tried to be friends with the other mums but at the time i was much younger than them and they didnt like it.  I was even on the comittee.  After the year from hell i vowed never to do it again, and i didnt!!! I also vowed never to gamble again and time and time again i did. (interesting)  Anyway, i just like to drop off and pick up like i said.  I have my friends, only one that  i tell everything to.  Im not interested in having coffees and chats about our kids.  I know that sounds mean but its how i feel.  Dont get me wrong, i do say hi and im friendly but these mums are full on.  This is my 3rd time round and im soooo not going there.  There has already been a letter sent home about a child that has allergies…aparently some mums were bitching that this child was getting special treatment.  The parents had to send a letter home and explain that he wasnt….SEE!!!! I cant be bothered. 
Anyway, ive just knocked off work, it was a full on evening, but it went quick.  Day 12 DOWN!!!!
KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Yes Sherry, it is day 12 for me…yahoo
Its only lunch time now but i have just got back from parent/teacher interviews.  It went well, master 10 is doing well, he is where hes supposed to be in terms of the smart scale.
Anyway, i saw a man today that is (was) always at the pokies when i was there.  He would be drunk and pouring $50 after$50 into those machines, so was i (i just wasnt drunk)  But it got me thinking….
I remember being at the venue and losing all the money in my purse and then going to the ATM machine.  On removing my money i would walk back in there like i hadnt been in there at all, like i was just arriving all over again.  Then i would lose that  lot of money and do it over and over again.  It was like every time i walked back into the gaming room from the ATM I was starting over and i hadnt just lost $100,$200,$300 (and the rest)
What a weird feeling… it was like groundhog day ( you know the movie?)
Anyway, just wanted to share that. I wonder if that man is still going to that venue (proboably) Im soooo glad its not me.  Have a great day everyone…Kathryn
 Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Today was interesting,
My 5yo son goes to kindergarten, and every day they have a parent helper.  Its the end of term 2 this week and i finally put my name down to attend today.
You see, kinder days have been gambling days for me this year.  Four hours of gambling bliss with no children to worry about. I have been dreading going to kinder….im not in with the mothers, i prefer to drop off and pick up with a minimum of fuss.  I cant be bothered with the bitchy mother thing… im so used to sitting at a machine not talking to anyone…mmmm theres a bit of a lightbulb moment in that statement. But i hate the bitchyness, its kinder for goodness sake!!!
Anyway, talk about sidetracked….. What i wanted to say was that i had a terrific time.  I played with the kids, read them stories, sat at the kiddy table with my big bum on a kiddy chair and ate lunch with my baby.  They sang, danced and i took in every bit.  It was a lovely morning.  I also put my car in for the dreaded $400 car service today.  I didnt take it to the car dealer, i took it to a mechanic who does handbook services, i dont want to lose my warranty.  Anyway, he just called and the service was only $200.  Yay!!!!! Us c.g.s dont like spending money on anything other than gambling.  Thats why ive been putting it off.  Anyway, its all done, have to wait for hubby to get home from work so he can run me up there to pick it up.
Thanks everyone who posted, its like opening a present when i know someone has posted on my thread…i cant wait to see who it is and what they have to say.
Have a great day everyone, day 11 for me and at this very moment i fee fantastic.
Bye, Kathryn Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

So hooray for me, im double figures…10 days.
I worked all weekend and when i got home i was reading the local papers sunday magazine.. i read my stars and nearly died.  For all you Virgo gamblers out there, just listen to this…..
You’re doing what needs to be done.  Much to your surprise, its almost working.  You’re nervous of course.  You never thought you’d do what you’re doing; you imagined it would always be something to dream of.  Now the fantasy is becoming a reality.  Life is getting intense- not least because so much is changing so quickly.  You fear it could all go awry at any moment.  That’s not going to happen.  This week’s solace is exceedingly encouraging, so relax.  Prepare for the future…HOW COOL IS THAT!!!
Now im not normally supersticious, but that was pretty amazing i thought.  I know we can read it into any part of our life but im taking it as a sign, and a good one.
By the way, the party was a huge hit, the girls had a great time (i did have issues with the pizza shop though).
Marilee, this is for you…. my friend and i took the girls into the city for Breas first night out as an adult.  When we dropped them off i got out of the car and gave her a hug and then  had to watch her walk away.  I have never been so sad, proud and jealous (she looked unbelievable!!!) all at once.  Treasure yours while shes this age, i cant believe the time went so quickly and to think i was a gambling freak and missed so much of her life.
You have the opportunity to make her teenage years ones of great joy both for you and your daughter. Dont forget to talk to her about everything (i mean everything) and you will have a wonderful relationship where she will tell you everything ( mine does) Im just glad now ill be here more to listen to her.
Have a great day everyone, KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Well here i am on day 8…
I have done a bad thing today…i took a sickie from work, now before you go tsk,tsk, ill tell you why.
My daughters birthday party is tomorrow night and i was supposed to work tonight and im working all weekend 7am-3pm.  We are having the party in our back room, its like a built in decking…. so tonight my girlfriend is coming over and we are going to decorate it for tomorrow night, you have no idea the stuff we have!!!!
I also need to do an embaressing photo board for her, you know all the nude shots!!!!
Im sitting in this back room which is usually full of the boys toys and everything that doesnt fit in the house and im trying to clean it up.  I also have to clean the fish tank…i cant believe the poor buggers are still alive!!!
So im not coping, i feel i have so much to do that i cant do anything!!! you know the feeling of being overwhelmed? I just go into meltdown.  Calm down Kathryn…..So i thought id get on and write a post and take a minute. 
I dont want my daughter to be paniking tomorrow that the room is not done and we have to rush it when i get home from work. And i must say, i only feel a little bit guilty about the sick day, i havent had one for a very long time.  I did get the hubby to ring and say i had a migraine, god i hope karma doesnt come and bite me in the backside.
Anyway, im feeling a bit better now, im not even worried about the gambling today, i dont think my mind can cram it in with all the other stuff i have to do. My bestie is making the cake, shes doing a high heel shoe, my daughter has about 30 pairs of them so i cant wait to see it.  It should be a fun night.  Anyway, im going, ill just do one thing at a time, mind you, ive got ALL day!!!!! Im such a drama queen!!!!! Hope you are all having a good day.  Ill let you know how the party goes.  Bye for now, KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

I thought id do a bit of reflection on my day today (day7)
I got to have a bit of a sleep in this morning…my husband doesnt have any work till Monday so he was home to help with the kids.  Its a catch 22, i get a sleep in but then have to put up with him wandering around all day looking for something to do (it drives me mad)
Anyway, he did wash my car for me which was nice. At 12 i had to take my baby to kindergarten and i asked him to check the water and oil for me ( i can do it but why do it when he could???) So he checks the water and oil and puts the bonnet down and then proceeds to go beserk because there are scratches on the bonnet (brand new car last year) I assume the kids have done it, its been there for a while but im not too worried…its a car RIGHT????
So after his little tantrum i am WILD.  I take H to kindergarten and i have to go to the city to get some grog and munchies for my daughters party on Saturday night.  So as im driving in i hear the little voice in my head. I start saying aloud ‘trigger, trigger, trigger’ . The anger was bringing on the urge.  All i kept thinking was…im excluded, i cant go, they will throw me out.  I didnt go,  i went and got what i needed and came home.
I made a big discovery today, not only was anger my trigger, but i realised i gambled to spite my husband.  The old ‘look what i can do to hurt you’, ‘im spending all our money’. How ridiculous…. i know what the outcome is going to be.  He’s not going to feel sick about it cause he wont know…im the one nearly throwing up, trying to work out how we are going to get through the week with no money! Thank god i self excluded, the angel on my shoulder is louder than the devil on the other one. 
I dont ever want to have the embaressment of being kicked out.  I dont ever want to have that sick feeling in my stomach again, knowing we are broke.  Anyway, i passed the first test.  I know theyll be more but it was good pulling up in my driveway knowing we still had money.Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Thanks Nancy, great advice.. its not really that hard is it, to find something to do.  Im just so used to going to the venue when the urge gets me ive never thought about what to fill the time with.  How ridiculous that i dont know what to do with myself.  Anyway, im heeding your advice, havent really had a big urge yet but i know i will.  KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Well i had a good day today…I was home with my youngest (hes 5) and hes great company.   We went visiting my mum, did some housework, he loves to help and then i babysat my friends 2 foster children. They are 2 and 1 and can be quite a handfull.  They were so good, i sat out in my back room with them and they played and played. Then my daughter came home from school early and went and had her brows waxed for the big party on Sat. night.  Then i went to work….
It was pretty busy tonight, i work in aged care, dementia specific and my residents are gorgeous. They are so funny, they love to laugh and i love laughing with them.  Im always dancing and singing and they love it.  They clap and cheer and get up and dance with me.  Its a real joy some days.
Im still feeling very positive about my self exclusion….im a bit scared of whats going to happen when this feeling wears off… i know its day by day but i cant help but wonder whats going to happen when a massive urge comes over me.  Well, at least i know i cant go to a venue without getting the tap on the shoulder…
I want to give a special mention to ray…hes given me a great laugh today and i really needed it so thank you… im still laughing now.
Well i hope everyone is well and happy, I know i have been today.
 KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Thanks marilee, i had a positive experience too. I know the manager at the venue and she was wonderful.  Said i had made a brave step.  She also said i was one of thousands to self exclude. I know its awful but i have to say that made me feel better too.  I wonder who the brave, brave person was who was the first ever???? I am using this as a birthday too, ill never forget it.  But as always, i face this demon day by day.  Thats all we can do.Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Well…….I BLOODY WELL DID IT!!!!! I am a bit beside myself at the moment, i feel as if the weight has been lifted in terms of the temptation.
It took about an hour, i had a lovely man helping me and i am so glad its done. My girlfriend (whose house i went as soon as it was over) could not believe how calm i seemed. And I am. I KNOW i have done exactly the right thing for me. Words cant describe how proud of myself i am.  I cant wait to tell my husband when he gets home tonight from work. 
Another milestone today….my beautiful daughter is 18. Happy Birthday Bub!!!! We are going out for a family dinner tonight to celebrate.  Shes as dramatic as i am and has been having a fit for a week shes so excited.  We bought her a watch and had it engraved and she loved it.  Mind you, im buggered as we were up at 5.30am!  I also bought her an Edward Cullen action figure. Anyone whos read or seen Twilight will know what i mean. Anyway, im looking forward to dinner (i already know what im having and its only 12.00!) My mum, stepdad and sister are also coming so it will be great to see them too.  I feel this is the start of my new life, gamble free.  Thank you all for your support, it keeps my spirits up and gives me hope.  KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Just wanted to let you all know, i have an appointment to self exclude tomorrow at 9.15am.  How wierd is this…..when the woman rang me to make the appointment she said she wanted to have it at the venue where i spent all my time.  I really dont think she is a c.g. obviously if she was she would realise how difficult it is for us to go to a venue and not gamble!!!! Anyway, im very tired from work….will post tomorrow when the deed is done. In reality i dont really care where the meeting is….just get me there and get it done!!!! Wish me luck
 Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Thanks for your post Danielle, it just reinforced me to do something i know ive had to do for many years…..Self exclude.
I rang my nearest venue (1 minute away) and a lady i know there answered the phone. I told her i wanted to self exclude and she told me they do it there so i told her i was coming RIGHT NOW!!! And i did.  She took me into an office and explained it all to me, how it works, what happens etc… Anyway i told her i wanted to go ahead with it. She is ringing the people and then theyll ring me to organise a time to see them. I have to have my mug taken and fill out some forms and they are sent to the venues i nominate…which will be all of them.
What a relief…i have taken what i believe to be the most important step for me.  I just want it done now so i dont have to think about it anymore.  I feel like the choice will be removed.  Words cannot describe the emotions im feeling, i guess im a little sad, at the end of the day i have loved those machines even though they bring me nothing but grief.  Its time to delve into my spirit and deal with the real emotions that drive me to gamble.
 Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Everyone has gone to bed and i finally have the computer to myself…..time to post.
The last 3 days have been very busy for me… As i posted earlier, i went to a g.a. meeting on Friday night, the first for many, many years.  I cried all the way there.  I nearly turned the car around… but i didnt.  I walked in the door.  It was one of the hardest things i have ever done.  I was proud of myself… I just told my husband that i was going, that i NEEDED to go.  Things were getting out of hand and i needed to do this….for me.
He told me he was happy for me.  As i stated, i nearly dropped dead.  I think he realised that im serious this time.  I made the decision, not after i had been caught, not after i had no choice, not for anyone else so it looked like i was doing something, i made the decision for ME.  The meeting was very interesting, the concept was basically the same as last time i went.  There were a few more people there, faces i didnt know.  You see, last time i went to g.a. my sister was there.  Its very difficult to tell a stranger your innermost demons, let alone your sister.  I felt stronger when i left.  I can only go once a fortnight due to work but its a commitment im making to myself.
The other thing i did was tell my best friend.  I tell her everything, it took me 2 days to tell her i went to the meeting and im in recovery.  She was shocked, saddened(that i didnt tell her earlier) and proud all at once. She will be a great support to me and im very lucky to have her in my life.  I also told my daughter, she is 18 on Tuesday (its Sunday now) and she was proud of me.  I always promised her when she was younger that if Britney Spears every toured here i would take her. Well guess what, shes keeping me to my promise…..she is doing year 12 (final year) and the concert falls in her exams in November.  So I have decided that we are going to see Britney Spears in Sydney, after her exams (im near Melbourne).  We are going to fly to Sydney, have the weekend there and go see Britney.  That is a real goal for me.  I have about a month to save for the concert tickets, the rest I can worry about later. 
Im pretty excited.  I have neglected this girl for most of her life.  Its time i do something for her.  She is an amazing person and she was forced to grow up very young (my doing). I am amazed that she turned out to be such a loving, kind, caring, funny young woman. (Not to mention drop dead gorgeous!!!) She is my only daughter and ive been missing out big time…
Im taking a big step in my recovery tomorrow.  Im going to the venue i have spent half my life in and im going to self exclude.  Im going to call in the morning and find out what i have to do then im going to do it.  Its time to get serious people… i have to prove to myself im doing everything possible to aid my recovery.  Im looking towards the future now, i have too much to live for, and i dont want to miss out anymore.
Sorry this was so long, i needed to get it out.  Thank you to everyone for your support… its helping me more than you know, i thank god for this site everyday.  Kathryn
 Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

How funny is that, i post a new thread and dont write anything…..sorry i had to get off in a hurry.  So, i went to a g.a. meeting last night. It was good, i felt better when i left than when i walked in.  I just need the extra help so im taking it.  Told my husband and he said he would support me any way he can….and if youve read my last posts youll know that he loves gambling so not only was i surprised (to say the least) but happy in the knowledge that hopefully he wont sabotage me and vice versa. Anyway ill elaborate later, just wanted to pop in a quick post.One day at a time

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