[kathryn]

Hi All,
So, Damian and i havent really spoken about the DNA test….you know, the old ignore it and it will go away. Anyway, tonight i say to him that he just has to do it.  I know he doesnt want to, god only knows i dont want him to, but it has to be done so lets do it and get it over with.  Ive just finished eating, he says.
I was on group, 3/4 the way through and he says come on then, lets get it over with.  Now, i KNOW it has to be done, i KNOW what will be will be and i KNOW i cant change the outcome.  So off we trudge to the bedroom, he does it (a whole 30 seconds) and its over.
Im sitting here now, all the old feelings are re-surfacing.  Would someone like to explain to me why.  Everything will be ok, he says and i KNOW its true, we will be ok, but im back there in that little hell i created and im pretty ****** off about it.  Am i wrong in thinking that this shouldnt be happening? That its not fair? Even though i believe that sasha is his, a part of me wants to hope beyond hope. My emotional brain is hysterically crying, my logical brain is telling me everything i already know, what everyone has told me, and im trying to convince mr logical to take over.
It did really feel like a dream.
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
I had a wonderful weekend in Sydney…it was amazing, Dames and i ate, drank and DIDNT GAMBLE!!!
We spent a lot of time down near the bridge and Opera house, which was lovely, went on the ferry over to Taronga Zoo, and of course went to the football, where we won by 1 point!!!! Every pub we went into had a machine, and i mean 1 machine (wierd) but we talked about how much fun we were having and how we didnt need to gamble…and we really didnt.
When we got home my sister and her kids, grandchild (8 in total) were here.   They stayed last night, it was a very late night for me, as im lucky to see them once a year.  They left this morning.  My house is a wreck but hey, how often does it happen.  I will spend most of today catching up on posts, im dying to see how everyone is, i really missed not being able to come on when i felt like it.
Anyway, it was a good feeling driving home knowing we still had money.  We would have blown the lot for sure.
Now its time to face reality.  Have a great day everyone, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Thought id pop in a post before i go on the big bird……I have lots to do today, not only packing, but getting bedding organised, my sister is coming down, with her 5 children to stay sat and sun night. Her ex mother in law (she only split from her husband of 35 years a few months ago) has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and hasnt very long to live so they are all coming to see her, proboably for the last time.  I also have Baileys school concert tonight, timing couldnt be worse really, but i will have everything organised today (hopefully).  We are leaving here at 6.30 tomorrow morning so i NEED to have everything done. 
Usually, when i have lots to do i go into meltdown.  Proboably why im sitting here typing, i just dont want to start!!!!
I am keeping my resolve not to gamble this weekend.  I hope you all do the same, send me some good vibes please.  I can do it, i know i can. 
Wishing you a wonderful, gamble free weekend, take care all,
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Got to work tonight and the boss has decided that the work i (and many others) do is not enough…they have piled on more work.  Im not impressed.  Yes, at the moment things are quiet and we can get the work done.  But when we get busy (we have 6 empty beds) and it will get busy, this is not going to work.  We were not consulted about the changes at all….its all about the almighty dollar, and a few team leaders who cant be bothered doing their own work…very annoying. They are determined to push us over the edge, and ill proboably be the first to fall, im pretty near the edge as it is….
Have a great day all, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Thank you all for your lovely words of encouragement…i will be remembering them while away.  Velvet, i have to say, i was a bit dissapointed that you werent 96..lol…i was excited at the prospect!!!!
So, i had a fight with Brea last night, she told me i hated her boyfriend and that i make the house uncomfortable when he is here (he stays at least 3 nights a week), she is moving out early next year because of it.  I told her that i have tried for almost 2 years to make Cameron (bf) feel comfortable in this house, but after only getting grunt answers from him i have decided that i would say hello and goodbye as im over the whole thing and im not going to get down and lick his feet to make HIM feel better.  He is a very rude and ignorant person, i simply cant be bothered anymore.  I dont hate him, but he’s 19 for gods sake and he cant say ‘Hi Kathryn, how are you?’. She says he is scared of me…what a crock of s**t.  He has no manners, and that is one thing i am big on in this house and she knows that.
When she told me she was moving out because of me i was soooo hurt.  And she knew it! I just said ok and walked out of her room and came and got on the computer.  Later on, she came out and said she was sorry, she didnt mean it, she was stressed with school etc…..i told her how she made me feel, i also told her that if she wants to move out that is fine but im not going to be the reason she does.  I dont hate him, i dont know him.  What i do know is he makes her happy and thats all that matters but im not tiptoeing around him.  She says she is in the middle, i say, if i say anything to Cameron he would start bawling so why would i do that…just more ammunition for her.
Anyway, we kinda sorted it out…i think.
We still havent done the DNA test yet, Dames is putting it off, understandably.  We’ll just do it when we get back from Sydney i think.  I am really looking forward to it (Sydney that is, not the DNA test!!!)
Anyway all, have a lovely gamble free day, im off to finish scrubbing the shower (worst job in the world)
Bye for now, Kathryn xx 
 Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Velvet,
I couldnt find a thread for you on the F&F so hopefully you will come back here and see this post.  I truly think the acceptance of the F&F community is amazing, so forgiving and most of all understanding in what seems to be one of the least understood addictions of them all.
I must say, i like thinking we are two halves of one whole, helping each other indirectly.  I have actually seen the F&F in a whole new light.  As for guilt, i dont have guilt anymore Velvet, regret yes, lots of regret, but i know i am working towards a new life, i guess the posts on your forum remind me of the pain i dont want anyone else to have to go through.  As you said though, we all have choices in our life, and If quitting gambling was easy i certainly would not be here. I wish everyone here, on this site a lifetime of happiness, and although it doesnt come easy, hopefully everyones hard work will pay off and we can live the lives we truly deserve.
Now, just a question Velvet, and i will apologise now if i read wrong, but i was reading a thread and someone said you revealed your true age…..96? Is this true or did i read it wrong…my sincerest apologies if i misunderstood.  You dont have to tell me if you dont want to, im just a sticky nose!!! 
Anyway, hope i havent offended you, thank you so much for posting, it means a lot.
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
So, as you all know im off on the weekend to Sydney.  I have 2 concerns…1- that i am going to gamble, i have no barriers in Sydney and 2- that Damian and I are going to run out of conversation….i know that sounds strange coming from me, as you all know, i never shut up..lol. 
We are going to do the DNA test tonight, ill send it off tomorrow.  We havent spoken about it at all in the last week, its like if we do, all the good that is happening between us will be gone.  I really dont want to do it but at the same time, we need to know, i need to know.  I think we dont want to break the bond we have created in the last few weeks, but there is a little thing called reality that i need to face.
Ive been reading that a few people have slipped this past weekend.  While i find it upsetting for them, i must say it just strengthens my resolve not to gamble.  Im glad they posted, it brings back the memory of gambling, losing and leaving with nothing.  Im on my 46th day today. 
Tim said something to me last night about gambling urges…..when we have urges, we are in active recovery.  It is when we deny or ignore them, that we are not working on our recovery.  I have been thinking about that a lot.  I guess, having the urge to gamble and making the decision not to, means we are facing the demon head on.
Well, i hope you all have a wonderful, gamble free day,
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Im a little bit cross,
I was just in the shed with my husband and my nephew turns up.  Says that his ex girlfriend (whos 16) is pregnant by him.  Says shes having a termination.  Hubby says ‘her parents will have to get her on the pill".  I pipe up and say ‘Tom, you need to use a condom". Tom says "i was really drunk".  Damian pipes up and says ‘Well, its always the drunk ***** that get them pregnant" and laughs. Yeah, REAL FUNNY.
Anyway, i have left the shed and come inside.  I wanted to slap his idiot face.  Very sensitive.
Anyway, no gambling, so thats good, i hope you have all had a good weekend.
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

I want to gamble today.  I have the money and the means.  To sit, and get in the zone i love.  Ive got the pit in my stomach, the gambling pain i call it. I would like nothing more.
But im not going to gamble TODAY.
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Thanks Al for your post.  Im not sure that i am brave, but what i do know is i love my husband so much and dont want to lose my family because of this setback.  Fact is, no matter what the result i am going to have to make the best of it and work WITH my husband to make it work. 
As for my not gambling during the last few weeks, the fact that i self excluded was really the main reason i didnt go.  There were times i would have hopped a plane and gone to another state to gamble, but of course, i didnt want to go back to the sad, depressed lunatic i was.  So in that respect i am proud that i made it through.  Mind you, theres still a ways to go, but i think the worst is truly over.
Today i went shopping with my daughter.  I actually bought some things for me, and what was interesting was that i didnt look at the pricetag.  I bought some underwear and for the first time i just grabbed the pack and went and paid for them.  I didnt know how much they cost until i got to the register. I havent done that for years and years and boy did it feel good.  I spent $300 today, i also got some long winter boots, our football tickets for next weekend and a few things at the chemist.  When i was gambling, i spent that kind of money in an hour.  When i came home and added up what i spent i thought ‘oh my god, that was so much money’.  But in my gambling days that was a drop in the bucket.
It was nice to go out and spend my money on me!
Anyway, i hope you all had a happy gamble free day,
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Just a quick note in regards to the eye.  I did the warm cloth, thanks C.  I took him to the chemist this afternoon, it had opened up about halfway and he told me if it started to swell again to give him more antihistamines (its a 24 hour dose) otherwise give him some more in the morning.  When i left for work it was still pretty red and swollen but at least the poor little bugger could see. Ill have a look in the morning and take it from there. Thanks for your advice. And yes Nancy, it does feel good.
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
So….they say life begins at 40.  Well, im not 40 till next year, i cant even think about that at the moment!!!! But today is my day 40 of not gambling.  40 days, looking back now they have gone pretty quick, not so at the time. Some of those days went forever.
My son woke up this morning and his eye was swollen completely shut.  I think he has been bitten by a mozzie or a flea.  He has bad reactions to bites so i have given him some antihistamines and its slowly starting to open up.  I must say though, it looks hilarious….i wish i could post the photo, i took one on my phone.  As ususl, he hasnt complained at all, he is a beautiful child, well not so much at the moment with the eye!!!!!
Anyway all, have a great gamble free day.  Im feeling very positive today, and i could almost say….happy?
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi Girls, and thanks for your replies,
Well, i didnt have to tell him afterall as fester sms him and said she had got the test and ‘where do i send it’? He asked if we had got his and i said yes and that there is a return envelope in the kit if she bothered to have a good look.   As for the envelope, i agree Vera, you wouldnt want to be doing it in secret and trying to hide it from the wife/husband. To top things off i have shocking pmt at the moment and was as sh***y as hell last night.  They all stayed away from me which is what i needed.  Im working tonight and tomorrow night (evening) so that will ease their minds as they dont have to put up with my bad mood.
I have a lot of housework to catch up on this morning while Harry is at kinder.  When i do my weekend at work there is always a mountain of stuff to do the next week…drives me crazy and doesnt help my mood!
Damian and Bailey are going up to his mothers on Saturday and they are going camping overnight with his step-dad.  I will have a lovely time with Harry, im not sure if Brea will be home and i have to work at the market on Sunday with my step-dad.  I have had gambling thoughts this morning, you know, if i hadnt self excluded, i would be going as soon as i drop Harry at kinder.  But i cant so i wont…..the washing will never get put away!!!!
I hope you all have a wonderful, gamble free day,
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

I got the DNA test in the mail today.  I feel sick, this is really happening.  You know, it was almost starting to feel like a bad dream.  I cant even say the words to Damian. I googled DNA tests in Australia and this one came from Canada.  Very obvious envelope, saying there were sterile swabs inside.  The postman is Damians sisters boyfriend, i hope he didnt look to hard at it.  I thought it would be very discreet….NOT!
Bye for now, Kathryn xx Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
This is the first chance ive had to post for 3 days!!! I know, not like me at all.
So Friday i spent the whole day, from 9 till 2.30 helping Jodie to unpack, then i was off to work at 4.30.  I finally feel better in myself knowing that i could help her.  Im going to be there tomorrow as well, Harry has kinder and i have all morning, we are going to do all those its and bits we leave till last.
I worked all weekend, i was exhaused yesterday and didnt even have the energy to open the laptop, we were really busy. Today was better, i was a lot less tired and we had an open day, which was interesting, we had a guy singing and he was terrible. It was hysterical cause all the old ladies loved him, he was singing to them and winking, a scream.
I have made a decision regarding the DNA test.  Dames and i are going to Sydney on the 31st July for the weekend, it was meant to be a little romantic getaway, plus we are going to the footy up there.  I have decided i dont want to know the results of the test until we get home.  It has taken so long (well, it feels that way) for me to come to terms with what may be, that if i know before we go then i will spend the whole weekend wondering what we are going to do next.  I just want to go and have fun and not have to think about the next step till we get back.  The test kit hasnt arrived yet, so on the Thursday before we go im going to send it off.  Then theres no way of finding out until at least 3 days after they recieve it.   That will be the week after the trip.  I cant see why another week will hurt, we didnt know for 15 years…..anyway any thoughts would be appreciated. 
I truly havent had time to even think of gambling this weekend, so my days are up to 37!!! woo hoo!!!
I hope you all had a great weekend, ill be doing a lot of reading tonight and i only work 2 shifts this week so plenty of group for me.  Cant wait.
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

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