[kathryn]

Hi All,
I was feeling a bit down in the dumps today, just playing around on the computer when i got onto youtube.  If anyone is having a crappy day i suggest you get on that site, type in dancing and watch 2 things.  1 is the evolution of dance. 2 is the JK wedding dance.  It was hysterical, i had tears running down my face from laughing.  A great pick me up.
As for me i havent gambled, still waiting for you know what.
Have a great day all, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Butterfly, i am still here, i have been doing a lot of reading when ive had time…thanks Marla and Marilee, i will keep the journal idea in my mind, although i dont know if Dames would be in for a go.
Ive been working this weekend, yesterday (sat) i worked 7-3 and was so tired when i got home i didnt have the energy to write, and today was a good day, my boss called me yesterday and wanted me to work at 2 different facilities today, and then told me i could knock off at 1 instead of 3 and be paid for the full shift!!!  So i did that, of course and when i got home Dames asked me if i wanted to go to the footy.  Brea said she would look after the boys (god love her) so i said ok and we made the 1 1/2 hour drive to Melbourne.  When we got there we had to stand in line to buy tickets, we would be up with the Gods but we didnt care.  As we were standing there a man and a woman came up to us and asked if we were buying tickets, we said yes and then he said, listen, i have 2 tickets i cant use.  You can have them!!!! We tried to give him some money but he wouldnt take it so we bought him and his wife a drink…how nice is that????
We had amazing seats, on the first level, and as we had to sit with them he told us he got the tickets from his work for nothing and didnt want to waste them.  They were lovely people. Unfortunately, we didnt win the game, our best kick had a shot for goal after the final siren and missed. Oh well, thats footy.
So now im home, i have a short work week this week which i really need, it wont be long till the results arrive, you all know ill post when i know.
I havent gambled for 65 days, Dames and i were talking on the way home and both said we could have never just jumped in the car and gone to Melbourne in our ‘gambling days’, we simply would not have the money.  His mother is coming down this weekend coming, i will leave her for another day, she is a whole other story!!!!
I hope you have all had a wonderful gamble free weekend,
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Vera, i am a control freak, but i like to say that i like to ‘be organised”  Thank you for your empathy, sometimes i feel i am going crazy and then i feel that i shouldnt be feeling that way. Thanks for the validation, sometimes, when im spewing my thoughts on the page i feel that i may be over-reacting but at the same time, the feelings are very real at the time of writing.
I am very concerned about Fester.  When Dames got home last night we had a big talk and i asked him everything i wanted to know.  He answered honestly, but there was one thing he said that made every hair on my body stand up on end.  He said that she jokingly said to him that once the results come back, and Sasha is playing up, she will be able to send her to him (or us).  He said he didnt say a word, he didnt know what to say to that.  My gut is telling me that we are going to have problems with Fester, and i believe women have terrific intuition.
She also said that Sasha is upset because Dames hasnt rung or contacted her.  Dames just said that we are waiting for the test to come back, and he will take it from there.  Is this Fester a lunatic?  Why on earth would he ring her before we even know if she is his.  If it turned out that she isnt (which i doubt) the poor child will be traumatised.  He should have never ever gone to meet her before we got the results. I told him at the time but he had said he was going….
Anyway, all that said, we talked about what we thought was going to happen, and how we are feeling now.  We are both scared stiff, so at least we are on the same page, i think we need to talk more, we had ignored it for a month but nows the time to keep talking so we know what is going through each others mind. 
I havent gambled now for 63 days, i am trying to keep positive, and this is certainly a positive part of my life.  I do need this to be over, im so tired of thinking about it, i dont know how long this is going to go on.
Anyway, i hope you all have a wonderful gamble free day,
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi Paul,
Well done on coming here to try to manage this evil addiction we call gambling.  You have been through the wringer in the last 10 years, no wonder you are looking for an escape.  I have a couple of questions i would like you to answer.  Firstly, have you sought any counselling in regards to 9/11 and Katrina?  It seems to me that these are major events in your life that maybe have not been dealt with.
Your family in France, are you in contact with them?  It seems that you have a lot of loose ends that are playing on your mind and these are obvious triggers in reading your post.  I would like to know a little more about them, have they been to the US since you arrived there, are you planning to divorce?
I know i seem nosy, but there are a lot of triggers that are popping up in my head while reading your post.  Mentally, the best way we can fight the urges, is to work out what is triggering them and try to manage them in a different way.  There are also many physical barriers you can put in place to help.  Can you give over your finances to a trusted family member or friend?  Does anyone know of your current situation?  Another barrier is self exclusion.  This was instrumental for me.  I self excluded from every venue in my region. 
Paul, there are things you can do to help deter us when we get the urge.  I am 63 days clean today, something that i would never in my wildest dreams thought possible.  The barriers we put up are the most important thing at the start.  If you have barriers, then you can work on the rest. 
Yes, we have to find the strength to get through the days when we really want to gamble, but you are not alone in this, there are so many wonderful people here to support you.  We have all been there, on day 1, its not without its ups and downs, but when your head clears after a few days not gambling, you just may see things in a different light.
I wish you all the best, keep reading and posting. I find this keeps my urges at bay, it just might help you too.
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xx
 Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Ive been a bit down in the dumps.  I got home from work last night and Damian told me he had rang Fester.  She told him that she had only recieved 1 swab when she should have got 2 so she contacted them and they had sent her another one and she was sending it all off today.  Thats not why i was upset.
Damian then proceeded to tell me that she had asked about me, how i was, and he was very sketchy with the rest.  He said she always asked how i was????? That set me off, i said ‘last time she contacted you it was by sms’ and he said ‘yes thats right’, then got all snippy with me.  When i asked what was wrong he said he was sick of talking about it.
So heres my point… i am feeling that i am being deliberately left out of the loop here.  I am getting paranoid that all these little conversations are going on behind my back (which he denies) and i feel i cant ask him anything without him getting ****ty when i know damn well that when hes on the phone to Fester he is being all charming and nice.
Anyway, he went to bed, i had a good chat to Harry and felt somewhat better.  I rang him this morning and said i wanted to ask him a question about the phone call last night without him getting ****ty with me.  I asked what he had said when Fester asked how i was.  He said that i was slowly coming to terms with things and asked my why i wanted to know.  I told him about how i felt, and how i needed to know what was being said, for my own sanity and reassurance (im not threatened by her at all in a ‘he likes her’ way) but i need to know what is being said.  He said he would fill me in on the whole conversation when he got home from work, and its not me he’s crabby at.
Now, i do know all this, i know its a touchy subject but i am trying soooo hard to be accepting and even though i may come across as the lovely wife, i am struggling with it. Now i know that the test results are proboably about 10 days away, im feeling a bit sad about it all.  Maybe its just a bad day on my part, but i know what im feeling is there, im feeling it and i cant help feeling it regardless of what i know….that we will be ok.
Have a great day everyone,
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
RG, Alice, Meg and Andrea, thanks for your lovely words of encouragement.
I checked the DNA website this morning and they have recieved Damians sample but Fester and Sashas havent arrived yet.  I am getting a bit toey, i want this over and done with so i am going to ring Fester today and see what is going on, if they have sent it.  I rang Damian and he is going to message Sasha to get their home phone number.  The reason i am going to ring is because i know the information, and to be truthful, i think im better off ringing, Dames is just ignoring it, well he wants too and as i said to him this morning, this is not going away.
I told him that there might be some changes but we have to find out and move forward, without the elephant in the room. I dont know what he thinks is going to happen, matter of fact, i think ill ask him that when i next get the chance. Im working tonight so he will proboably be in bed when i get home.
Thats all my goss for today, well, its only 9.30am so if there are any developments ill let you all know.
Have a wonderful gamble free day, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
I had decided today that i needed to go and get some shoes for Bailey, as i told RG earlier, i took him to school this morning and when he got out of the car i saw his shoes.  His whole toe was hanging out to my horror.  He stated ‘its ok mum, its only one foot!’ Well that must make it ok then…anyway we decided to have a family trip to KMart…which i think is the same al Wal Mart.  Anyway, im imagining a lovely trip, stopping in all the isles to look at the latest bargains, buying myself something, maybe and we are all laughing and talking and having a lovely time.
HELLO REALITY!!! The kids were whinging they wanted something, Dames had road rage on the way in, Brea was trying to keep the peace, Harry wouldnt try on a jumper because it ‘didnt work’ (dont ask), Damian didnt like Baileys shoes he had picked so he wasnt happy, it just went on and on.  We were there for a whole 40 minutes until i cracked it and said ‘get in the car, we’re going home"…
Why do i put these expectations on myself, on my family.  It never works out!!!  Although im laughing now, i was sooo wild.  Oh well, im over it, although i will never do a family trip to KMart again.  Im out!!!!!
On a nicer note, my brother rang me tonight, he is up north on a holiday and i havent spoken to him since March.  He and his wife are having a lovely time.  We dont talk often, he is 17yrs older than me and when our dad died he tried to take over…not acceptable to a 16yo. Its by the by now, but it was nice for him to ring, he will be down in about 3 weeks so we will catch up then and look at his 5 million photos…lol.
I hope you all had a lovely day…although by the time you read this is will proboably be tomorrow!!!!
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
60 days today….WOOHOO!!!!!  As always though, i will not gamble today.
Have a great day all,
bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
There was an interesting article in yesterdays paper about a very well known footballer who has come out and admitted he is a compulsive gambler.  What was so interesting, was that he is from another state, and he has decided to stay in Melbourne until he is "cured" of his illness.  I think he’d better by a house down here, cause if he thinks he is ever going to be cured, he is living in a bubble.
One day at a time is all we can do to manage this illness…looking too far down the road only spells disaster. It just goes to show the lack of understanding of problem gamblers, if there was a cure, who of us would be on this site?
I hope you all have a wonderful gamble free day,
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Ive been thinking….you have all known me since i have stopped gambling, yes i had 1 slip, but the majority of what i write is post gambling.  I thought id write about when i was gambling, for a change.  The details are sketchy, i remember major incidences but the rest is a blur but i will tell you what i remember.
I remember first going to the pokies with my mum.  We would go once a week, for a coulple of hours and spend $20 each. We did it for years, i never had a thought to go on my own, and to this day i dont remember the day i decided to go by myself.  I remember lots of times, going to my mums, asking her for a loan, spinning some **** about how we had no money, because i gambled it all away.  I have borrowed tens of thousands off my mum over the years…not once has she ever asked for me to pay it back, and whenever i offered she would say ‘no, you need it.’  Yeah, i needed it alright…woohoo more money to gamble.
When i had Bailey, Brea was 8.  Damian used to have his mates over in the shed (boy time) on a Thursday night.  That was my night to go and have a play.  I used to leave the money at home, but soon worked out that if i stayed late enough, the kids would be asleep and if i turned off the headlights on the car i could drive up, sneak in and get more money without Damian ever knowing. I would leave an 8yo home with a little baby, Damian would be boozing in the shed, and Brea was stuck with a bawling kid. Did i care…no way.
This was about the time my gambling was getting out of control.  I dont know how, but we managed to get enough money to buy a house. On thinking, i think Mum gave us the money for the deposit, and as it wasnt a huge loan, $85,000 we got it easily.  Our first home. Then our Harry was born, i had severe post natal depression, and everyone was tiptoeing around me.  I could gamble whenever i wanted because i would be out of their hair.  The lunatic woman who couldnt love her family. Mix gambling with depression and its not pretty.   I had accumulated so much debt, that i had ruined Damians (not mine ) credit and our only way out was to sell our house.  I was gutted. We sold our house for 210,000.  We were left with $50,000 after everything was paid.  That money lasted for another 18 months maybe.  I blew the lot on gambling.
Even after all this, after losing our home, the one we had soooo many plans for, i still gambled.  I was going to GA, going to counselling and stopping on the way home to gamble.  I never stopped.  Until now.
It has taken me years and years to get to this point in my life.  I dont know how deeply i affected my children with my gambling.  In between these events in my life, there were a million fights, a gazillion tears and a family torn apart by my illness. There are lies that i have told that i can never repeat, they make me sick to my stomach.  I didnt care what i said, i just wanted money to gamble.  I have done unspeakable things.  But that was then.
I found GT.  I found all of you, who have been instrumental in helping me through this.  I have been free for 57 days.  I have been happy for 57 days (for the most part!!!!)
I know that no matter what i have a place that is mine, that i can rant, rave, cry, laugh and just be me.  Finally, i see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I see hope.  I see posibility.
Sorry for the length, its proboably a tenth of what really happened, im sure i blocked some things out as they are too painful. But you all get the gist. Special mentions in this story go to Dames and Jode…they stood by me and held me up when i couldnt.  They are the best, and have seen the best, and worst in me.  They never stopped loving me, even when i hated myself. My other special mention is to Harry, here at GT.  My life is richer for knowing you, your help, compassion and understanding goes above and beyond.
Thanks for reading, bye for now, Kathryn xx
Fighting the good fight…One day at a time– 8/08/2009 10:53:24 AM: post edited by kathryn.

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Thanks Brian for your post.  I had a lovely day with Jodie today.  We went shopping and i spent $80 on myself. I got a jacket and a cardigan.  I didnt even look at the price.  When we went to lunch, Jode commented that it was great to see me spending some money.  I told her that i never had any money to spend before, and all those years i was pretending i couldnt find anything i liked because i had spent all our money gambling.  She was gobsmacked.
I hope you are all having a wonderful, gamble free day,
bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Its 3.30am, and i just got through waving Damian and Bailey off on their big camping trip.  So what does one do at 3.30? What else.  I am still kicking myself over my post on Als thread.  Talk about mother mode. I felt sick to my stomach when i went to bed…im a ranting lunatic!!!!!
I feel so good about my life at the moment in terms of not gambling and the good changes that have occured since that dreaded day…..i want everyone else to feel as good as i do.  Thats not to say that i dont have bad days, thats just life.  But the positives far outweigh the negatives at the moment and i do feel lucky and blessed.  If this site was not here for me to rant on i dont know what id do.
So to Al, im sorry, and to the rest of you all, please forgive my moment of madness, this forum is here for us to say what we need to say, to be able to vent all our emotions and feelings when we need to, god knows ive done it a million times myself and if we cant do it here, then where?
Wishing you all a wonderful gamble free day, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Well not very much happening in my part of the world today.  I have just dropped Harry off at kinder and Brea is home from school (study day…shes watching a movie!!!)
Damian and Bailey are taking off up bush tomorrow morning for a 4 day weekend camping and fishing.  It will be nice to have the quiet, Brea is not normally home and Harry is so good he just amuses himself, although i am going to treat him to McDonalds tomorrow night.  Im working all weekend as i swapped last weekend so i could go to Sydney. 
I am going to Jodies tonight for "our" night.  The Amazing Race is on…our favourite show and i have just been to the local bakery and bought 2 of the most disgusting, delicious looking cream cakes i could find for the occasion. I always bring the sweet and she does a dip and chip…YUM!!!
Im looking forward to it and so is she..last night her 2yo discovered he could climb out of the cot.  Oh dear, he was up about 10 times, shes hardly had any sleep.  I dont miss that at all.
So my gambling niggles as i call them are still always there, but i dont let them escalate at all.  No news from the DNA test, although i think it will be a couple of weeks till we know.
I hope you all have a wonderful, gamble free day.
Take care all, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
I havent much to post today, i have really been recovering from the weekend and the whirlwind that is my sister and her family.  Im feeling good about my gambling free days (54 to be exact), and i have really been enjoying my group sessions here.  I spend a lot of it laughing, and i really think that is the best medicine.
Thanks to all who have posted, you know how much i appreciate it.
I hope you have a wonderful gamble free day,
Take care, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Ive just had the big chat with Harry, thanks H by the way and have come back to answer my own post.
Right then, i am dealing with my feelings, something i am so not used to because i would just go and gamble and ignore. This is a new thing for me, so i have to start retraining myself.  Once i calmed down, well, really, what has changed…nothing.  He scraped the inside of his mouth with a little brush.  So what?
I am going to deal with this, theres nothing i can change in this scenario.  Except the way i think.  Yes, it isnt fair, but is it fair that im a compulsive gambler?  Maybe not, but im facing it head on and trying to change my life for the better.  I need to apply that thinking to the rest of my life.  Whatever the outcome is, although i think i will be devastated for a minute, i can get through it.  I havent been able to read my post since this started, and i dont know if i ever will cause i havent a clue what i wrote.  I may be heading for a new normal with Sasha, but then, im in a new normal now.
Not all change is bad, and i have to say a lot of good has come from the past month, in terms of my relationship with Dames.  We are not going to change as a married couple, we are still married with 3 beautiful children. Ive just re-read that last sentance and it has hit me like a ton of bricks. 
I have a lot to be thankful for, more than i realise.  Acceptance, well, like the serenity prayer says, accept the things i cannot change, and this is one of those things.
Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

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