[kathryn]

I want to talk about my Dad this morning,
My father died when i was 16.  I used to dream that i would come home from school to him sitting on the chair in the kitchen and when i would run to hug him my arms would go straight through him.  I havent dreamt of him for over 10 years, that is, until this morning.
I dreamt i was in a nursing home and i knew my dad was there but i couldnt find him.  I asked one nurse who sent me one way, he wasnt there, i asked another nurse and she took me to him.  He was in navy pajamas, in a bed, the sides were up on the bed.  I looked at him and said ‘hi daddy’, and started to cry.  He looked at me and said ‘hello tootie" (his nickname for me).  I was leaning over the bed rails hugging him, i felt his hand on my back, and then i woke up.
I woke up sobbing and im still sobbing now.  I cant stop, its coming in waves, its a very odd feeling.  What im so sad about is that the dream was so short, i was only with him for about 10 seconds.  I cant believe, after all these years that the feelings are so raw, its been 24 years since his death, which was sudden. I saw him before i went to school that day and never saw him again.
My sister was talking about him the other day, after the Japan earthquake.  He was sent to Japan, to Nagasaki, after the war ended, and had a story about how they were all sleeping in tents, and when he woke up in the morning it was so quiet….there had been an earthquake during the night and the regement had been evacuated.  Dad, bless him, had slept through the whole thing and when he got up they had all left…lol. Apparently he was ridiculed for months by his army buddies!!!   Perhaps it was because of that, although we do talk about him often.
I feel better that i have written that down, he will be on  my mind all day today.
Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hey All,
TDIK…thanks for the advice, if only i had known it would be that easy!!! LOL
So, today wasnt one of my finest…..Work was insane, i lost a massive filling out of my tooth (my mind immediately goes to Colin!!) and i had parent/teacher interview today.
I met with Baileys teacher.  All was fine, i was fine until he called me over to the desk.  He said hello, how are you?  I looked at him and started to cry…and cry….and cry.  I was so embaressed, he was totally unprepared for it, had no idea what to do (what do you do???)  I finally calmed down enough to say "im worried about my boy".
So, after calming down i showed him the letter from the Dr he had seen.  We talked a bit about what was going to be done, when he would start the meds etc.  All the while i was on the verge of rolling into a sobbing mess on the floor.
After the interview, which, by the way wasnt so productive, i left.  I sobbed the whole way out of the school, i sobbed in the car and i had to go to my mums to calm down before i went home.  I didnt want Bailey to see me like that, i looked, for a better word…..****.
I was talking to a friend tonight, and her take on it was that this was the first time i really had to sit and talk about what was happening with my son.  I am so frightened for him, i worry to no end.  I do believe he will be ok, but i think that he is going to struggle….something i dont want to happen.
I am exhausted.  But im wide awake at the same time.  I dont like feeling this way.  No one wants their child to be unhappy, to struggle and find everything difficult.  Im hoping this medication changes the way my son learns. 
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hello my dear Bettie,
Not much i can say except that your sposor is one smart cookie.  One day, just like with your addiction, you will see that you are deserving of so so so much  more. Biggest hugs coming from across the ocean, you are one very special person, who deserves only the best.  If only that dickfish could see what a fool he is…he would be licking your shoes!!!   Hold your head up, YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!!!!
Love ya girl,
Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Well im a little ashamed to find my thread on page 4….while i have been here every day as usual, i seem to just read and read and post very little.  Believe me when i say that there isnt a day i dont look on the site (at least twice!! lol)
So, not a lot to report this week.  I had an appointment with a specialist on Thursday (nothing drastic) but i was in there for under 5 minutes and it cost me $146!!!!! While it makes me feel ill that a man can earn that much money in such a small space of time, im grateful the funds were there.  Plus i was happy with the result so i cant really complain can i??? Hmmm, i think i should move on then..lol.
My son had a great time at camp, really enjoyed himself which was great.  We did miss him though, especially little Harry who just adores his brother. 
Not such great news about Dames’ car.  Whatever it is, the mechanic cant work out why its doing what its doing as it shouldnt do it!  His advice….get rid of it.  So, Dames has been into town today, looking at a new car.  Of course he found one (no mucking around) so we have applied to re finance our car loan.  It seems that the interest rates have dropped considerably since we bought his last car, and even though we need more money, the repayments are actually less…go figure.  We just have to wait and see now.
I went and had a haircut today…well, it was a trim, plus my mono needed trimming also…i now have 2 lovely shaped eyebrows..LOL.  When i finished i met Brea for coffee which was really nice as we havent been spending a lot of time together lately.  It was great to catch up and just have a chat.
We are going away next month, all the family (mum, sister, neice etc) and we have gone to the same place every year.  This year the cabins at the caravan park have been removed in readyness for brand new ones.  We need 4 cabins, they only have 3 so unfortunately we have to stay at another caravan park.  Im not sure how it will go, we are not good with change but it looks lovely (much more expensive than the other one).  My week of bliss, going shopping in the little town, going to the amazing spa and mineral spring pool, it cant come quick enough for me.
So, i hope you are all well and happy, we are going along fine here.  The weather in Melbourne was just glorious today, i think i may do something with the kids tomorrow, just to enjoy the last of summer.
Take care all,
Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Good Morning,
Another Monday…blah.  I worked all weekend, and Dames went to Melbourne with a friend to pick up a boat.  They took Dames’ car, and it broke down on the way…you can imagine the phone call i recieved at work.
So….he has hired a car trailer and is making the 5hr round trip to pick it up…it is a costly exercise, he has lost a days wages, the trailer hire, fuel for his friends car, etc etc. Thankfully we have the money.  Although we dont know what is wrong with the car but as he only had it serviced 2 weeks ago it had better not be something related to that….the mechanic will not be popular.
So i have my fingers crossed that its not something too serious, or costly for that matter.
Im off to work, hope you are all well, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Bettie,
Thank you soooo much for that post, god knows i needed a good laugh and i nearly fell off my chair when i read it!!!!!
You are an absolute hoot!!!
Love ya, Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Well, the loan didnt pan out, this debt we have is holding us back, so what to do?
Well, i know for sure that if we just keep going how we are going we will be completely debt free in 3 years, so thats a positive.  We are no where near destitute so thats a positive, we are both working so hopefully i will start paying more and we can get this thing done and dusted.
While i was dissapointed, theres not much i can do and we are no worse off than we were when i woke up this morning.
I do hope that now i can sleep a bit better….im sick and tired of being tired!!!!
Take care all,
Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hi All,
I have a big day tomorrow.  I have made some appointments to try to organise hubby’s tax properly, as i have no idea what i am doing.  Im also going to a broker to try and consolodate some loans/debts we have, which could drop the payments and give us a little breathing space.
Im not sure if i will be able to achieve this, but after years of procrastonating its time to take action.  It could be life changing, but if its a no go nothing will change, and we have been coping so i dont have a lot to lose here.
I havent really slept for the last 3 nights, and im not sure if this is why.  Im not particularly nervous about it, after all, they can only say no….but perhaps thinking about all the things i need to take with me is playing on my mind. 
Dames is extremely optomistic about all this which does make me nervous.  If we cant get the loan he is going to be cross, and that means that i will proboably cop a mouthful about it all being my fault.  I have ruined his credit, and im not sure if it is back to normal, but i know people with bad credit can get loans, and i can only try and keep everything crossed. 
I am working this weekend which is why im off tomorrow.  Please keep your fingers crossed for me, im hoping that after my hard work something might just go my way!
TC…Kathryn xxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

A lightbulb moment….
My feelings are not my own.
I am happy when he is happy, i am sad when he is angry.
The topic group was about trust.
How can i trust myself…i cant trust my own feelings because they are not my own.
They are his.
I wait to see what his mood is so i know what my mood will be.
Now THAT is bloody sad.
Time to take back my feelings.
Time to start living for me.
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I missed your 6  months!!!
Belated congratulations my friend, i am beaming for you all the way across the world!!!
Love ya,
Kathryn xxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Interesting weekend i have been having…..i have decided to try and take some control over the finances, consolodating loans and finding out how we can afford to buy a house one day….so i have made appointments for next week to see our accountant and a broker.  I rang to get some figures on what we owe on our loans and on the tax debt…turns out that we have had more tax piled on top of what we owe and we have hardly paid anything off…well, we have, but the figure has hardly dropped.
I had to tell Dames…..it didnt go down so well.  That man has been looking for a fight all weekend.  He has been as snippy as hell, it doesnt matter what i do it isnt right…frustrating to say the least.  So, after the little tanty, to which i said that we cant have 1 adult conversation in our life, he calmed down.  Then it was something else, then something else, i bought cheap steak, his shorts were wet in the washing machine (something i did on purpose of course!!) on and on it went.  I was looking for a reason, was it male PMT, was it that he was tired, WHAT WAS IT?????
Anyway….i had gone down to the street yesterday and found out that a friend of mine, who worked at the local pub was leaving for a new job.  I worked with her for 8 years on and off and they were having a surprise drink for her.  She has been there for 27 years, since she was 15 years old.  I rang Jode and we decided to go.  Left the men with the kids, and at 5pm we headed down.  It was a great night, i only had a few drinks (not a drinker) but i caught up with so many people i havent seen for a very long time, and the woman in question was really happy to see us.  There was speeches, cake and tears, it was just fantastic.  We left at 9, and i went back to Jodes for a coffee.  I got home at 9.45 to Dames, sitting on the chair, arms crossed…ugh.
Now in his defence i did say i was going for an hour, but we have an unwritten rule in this house that an hour is never an hour.  He was livid.  I went straight to bed.  I looked out my window and what did i see????
A FULL MOON!!! 
Besides Meg popping into my head straight away, i knew the reason.  I should have known all along…lol.
So an up and down weekend, the ups have been more than the downs.  Im staying well out of Dames’ way until this moon settles down!!!!!
Hope you are all well and happy,
Kathryn xxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hi All,
It has been a long and exhausting week for me this week, im sure i have been this tired before but i cant remember when.  We were short staffed at work and wow…the difference was incredible.  I was so happy when Friday came.
Its hubby’s birthday today, we didnt really do anything, he had visitors most of the day and i pottered around the house trying to catch up on things from last week.   I feel a little bad really, as i have been so tired that i didnt even organise going out for dinner…i must make ammends there.
So, pretty quiet here.  Apart from some noisy neighbours, all is well.  Another day gamble free.
Hope you are all well and happy,
Take care,
Kathryn x
PS…doesnt look like we will have to move, very relieved about that!!!To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

LOL Meg….thanks for that, you are an absolute hoot as always.  I will definitely give you a bell if i ever find myself buying a ticket to Italy!!!  While i know im on the road, i guess maybe im looking for that spiritual side of myself, if there really is one!!! 
Angelina could play me anytime, although i think she would be a tad dissapointed if she saw me…lol.
Laura, as always, my voice of reason, yes, i am impatient, and i need to stop and smell the roses more.  I wanted the boring mundane life, and now i have it im looking for a bit of excitement (not gambling related at all of course!!).  I feel i need something to look forward to, be it a fantasy, a wish, a goal, something to occupy my mind, to give me something to focus on. 
I had word today that the house i rent is being appraised by 2 real estates next week.  I have that sinking feeling that we will be on the move again.  These are the times that i hate my addiction, i had it all, even the picket fence, and i lost it to gambling.  The thought of moving makes my stomach churn, its such a hard job, although im not planning anything just yet, i will wait and see what is happening first.  For once, im not jumping to conclusions, do you hear that Harry….the crystal ball is broken and im not looking to fix it.  What will be, will be, and perhaps if it does happen i will find somewhere i like even more.  Every cloud has a silver lining.
Speaking of clouds, we just had the most amazing storm i have ever seen in my entire life…constant lightning for at least 40 minutes, massive thunder, and eventually super heavy rain.  I sat in my back room with my blinds open and watched it all.  I was thinking of the people of QLD,  when the cyclone hit, how terrifying it must have been for them.  I got the most amazing light show i have ever seen, the wonder of nature!!!
Anyway, take care my friends,
Kathryn xxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Laura and P, thank you for your posts (P, im glad to see you posting!!)
Ive just come back from my night at Jodes….we had a beautiful dinner and watched "Eat, Pray, Love"…i always get a little deep when i see these movies, wondering just how these people ‘find’ themselves, their balance in their life and i come home wishing i could do that.  But how?  How do i start on the road to self discovery?
To be honest, i have no idea.
Im going to ponder on it for a while, and see if i can come up with anything feesable that a married woman with 3 children can do.    Yes, not gambling has bought out the me that was buried beneath the addiction, but i think im looking for more…watch this space!!!
Hope you are all well and happy,
Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hi Bettie,
I cant believe i didnt see you all weekend!!!!
Missed you girl,
Kathryn xxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

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