[kathryn]

Well, i did survive…..
Thank you all so much for your posts, i was pretty overwhelmed by them all.  I couldnt tell him Friday night, he was so happy, Ponting had just hit a 4 (cricket!) and he was cheering and hoo haaing…so, i chickened out.
This morning i felt sick.  It wasnt just because i had to tell him, it was because i hadnt told him.  So i bit the bullet and just blurted it all out.  I wont go  into the gorey details, it was not pretty, but, it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be.  Perhaps it also helped that im working this weekend, so i pretty much told him and 20 minutes later i was out the door to work.  He was ok when i got home, in fact, we went out for dinner and a little shop at Kmart, which was really nice .  Only one thing spoiled it….on the way home, he had the most horrific road rage, so bad that i closed my eyes and covered my face because i thought for sure he was going to smash into the car in front of us and i was either going to die, or going to be permanantly maimed.  Then he had the cheek to say to me that there were so many bad drivers on the road…..omg. 
Anyway, im alright, im not stressed about paying the debt as it is a small amount, we can afford it at the moment.  I am so tired, i think i was tired when i woke up knowing that i was going to have to tell him. 
Thank you all for your support, you dont know just how much i needed it yesterday.
Love you all, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Honestly,
Sometimes it feels its never going to end.
Today i got a phone call.  The debt i incurred while gambling has come to bite me on the butt.  Yes, i am paying it off, but, there is another debt.  2 of them. 
I have made a payment plan.  The debt is not a huge amount, but its enough.  I feel like im back, before i excluded, before  i had to sit hubby down and tell him what i had done.  I have to face it, i have to tell him.  There is going to be yelling, there is going to be swearing, my gambling will be dredged up again, it is not going to be a fun night for me, or for hubby i suppose.  We have gone backwards, not a lot, but a bit, enough for him to use my gambling addiction and throw it in my face. 
Sometimes it feels, that no matter what i do, its never enough, im never enough, and its never going to be over.
Im scared.
Kathryn x– 2/12/2011 12:39:58 AM: post edited by Kathryn.

[kathryn]

Richie, thanks so much for posting, i have really missed you!!!
Its ‘lovely’ to know that you are still around and reading, GT needs someone like you, who has stood the test of time (and urges) to remain gamble free for so long.  Speaking for myself, i need to know that it can be done, that there are people in the world who have managed this addiction and are living, really living!!
As for me, well, i took my mother Christmas shopping today, i do it every year, we go to a big shopping centre, so we dont have to walk too far, mum uses a wheelie frame and gets cramps in her legs, so the less we walk the better.
Mind you, i had a pretty good time, we got all mums shopping done, and i managed to buy a few things for christmas day.  Plus, there were massive, and i mean massive sales, so of course…i had to take advantage.  I only spent a little and got a lot so i was thrilled.
Tonight i went to my besties for dinner. I adore my Thursday nights with her, she pampers me even though she is so tired.  I get dinner, dessert, a blanket for the couch, a heat pack for my back if i need one, honestly, what more can a girl want.  Then we have coffee (she has a new coffee machine, yum…) and watch our shows.  We are so far behind its not funny and we never stop yapping the whole time.  Bliss!!!!
I have tomorrow off as well and im planning on doing very little,  wrapping some christmas presents, a bit of a house tidy, perhaps a little visiting but in all, not much.  Im working on the weekend and im doing  7 days straight, so  i need at least 1 rest day.
So, theres my update, i really enjoyed group tonight, thanks Ingrid, Sunny, Michelle and Vtc…
Take care my lovelies,
Kathryn xxxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hey all,
Well i am feeling much better.  Still not 100%, i had to get antibiotics as the cold was getting worse and not better.  I dont normally, but with work and home i need to be well.
Ive had a massive shake up at work, we now have 2 staff members leave, which leaves staff numbers tragically low.  To make matters worse, we dont have enough doctors at the moment, which means any hope of hiring anyone else has gone out the window as cost cutting has now set in.  When our new doctors arrive things will pick up, but for now, well, we just need to work with what we have.  Luckily christmas time isnt as busy with the kids on holidays, so theres one small blessing to count.
I dont have a lot more to add, life is just that…..life.  Things are a bit wierd with the hubby, he has been broody and we bounce off each other so i dont think either of us are too happy at the moment.  He is going away next week for 4 days and frankly im glad for it.  A break might just be what we need.
The kids are all well, i feel i dont see them enough, im looking forward to some days off over the month of January and im planning to do a lot with them.  Wont be long and they wont want to hang with their ‘old’ mum anymore!!!
Well, just a quickie today,
Love Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hi All,
Just a quick post, my computer is down at the moment and im on Breas.  I have my technition working on it but im not sure if ill be able to get here as often until it is up and running again.
I have a dreadful cold at the moment, i had to leave work early and i came home and slept for 4 hours.  I think ill be home tomorrow too, it feels like its getting worse, so im better off recovering at home and not spreading more germs around. 
Life has been ok.  Ive let go of the worry of moving again, what will be will be and i cant do anything about it.  If we have to, we have to!!!  Im enjoying what i have while i have it.  I am having Christmas lunch at my place this year, its the first time since my birth i have had it anywhere but mums.  I think its time to have a change, im the only one with smaller children so it seems fitting that its here.  What i am doing though, is making sure i have a beautiful table, and we have a lovely relaxing lunch. Everyone brings something so it makes life easy. Im actually pretty excited about it.
Well, im going to have a read, and a rest, im sure ill be up for hours yet, having 4 hours sleep puts my body out of whack a bit, but ill try to have a reasonably early one.
I hope you are all well and happy,
Kathryn xxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
Im not sure when you are returning, but i thought id send a little post your way.  I hope you are having a wonderful time, and im also extremely grateful that you are driving that car!!!!!
Love ya, K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hiya Larry,
I was just thinking about you.
I think you are an amazing part of this forum, i for one, am very very grateful you are here.
Sending a little love your way today my friend,
Love Kathryn xxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hey everyone,
So my weekend was, for want of a better word, ordinary.
I was sick on Friday, extremely sick.  I must have caught something at work because i very rarely get sick.  I was not impressed!  By Sunday i was back to my old self thankfully.  I am also grateful that so far no one else in the family has been blessed with my germs!!
The length of time i have abstained from gambling hasnt seemed to help the finances much.  Yes, the bills are being paid, which is a miracle in itself, its just that i thought we would really be a bit better off than we are now.  I guess what has bought this on is that i found out yesterday that it looks like we will have to move at the end of our lease.  I am pretty disheartened by this, i cant bear the thought of moving again.  I only just feel that we have settled here and i adore this house.  While i try to be positive and not dwell too much on the past, i shake my head every time something like this happens.  I had it.  I lost it.  And its not so much me, but the kids……it makes me sad that we arent stable.  That they get comfortable then we are on the move again.  That this addiction has affected far more than myself.  I know i didnt ask for it, but neither did they.
Anyway, i know ill wake up tomorrow and my worries will be gone.  At least until the next time!!!
Back to focusing on what i DO have, not what i DONT.
I hope you are all well and happy,
Love Kathryn xxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Thanks Vera and G for bringing me back to the top…..
My sister left on Sunday, i took her to the airport and dropped her off.  She was relieved to see that mum was ok and went home knowing that she was being cared for.
You are right Vera, it was the Melbourne cup today, and even though we didnt have a bet at work, it was still exciting to listen to the race.  Im not a horse race follower at all, but even that geve me a little twinge of excitement.  It was over as quickly as it had started,  i was very aware of how it made me feel and have no intent to listen to another race anytime soon.  I usually had a bet on that race, only a small amount of money, it was the only time i bet on the horses.  Im afraid of horses, so i have never been particularly interested in them!!!!!
Life is pretty quiet at my house at the moment, my daughter is tossing up having a year off university, i am extremely wary of this as i think it would be better to just get it all over and done with.  She wants to move out, and she doesnt make enough to do that at the moment.  I have spoken to her, its not that im against her having a year off, but im not sure she has not thought things through and i cant stand by and say nothing.  We had a good talk last night and i hope some of what i said got through to her.
My boys are going great, they are having swimming lessons at the moment, it happens for 2 weeks every 4th term.  I wish i could go and watch them, but, of course, i have to work.
So, theres an update from me, I hope you are all well and happy,
Love Kathryn xxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Sorry B, i double posted xxxx– 28/10/2011 9:36:34 PM: post edited by Kathryn.

[kathryn]

Hiya B,
Listen to me…..
You chose not to get remarried because no one was good enough!  Im sure you could have picked up Mr Average Joe anytime you liked, and why on earth would you do that?  After all, a smart woman like you does have standards!!!
I find it enraging that people who are your ‘friends’ feel that they have the god given right to ask you a question that not only makes you uncomfortable, but makes you feel bad about yourself. Who needs friends like that?  I am very offended with that girl and if i ever come over for a cuppa one day please make sure she isnt there, she wouldnt like the aussie way of dealing with situations like that (well, my aussie way, which would be to say, well, ill tell you why i didnt get remarried if you tell me why you are wearing that revolting dog ugly shirt today!!!)
Ok, so i may be exaggerating, (maybe im not either!!), but regardless, i wish you could see yourself how i know so many, including me see you.
B, we all have days when we feel like crap, fat days, sad days, frustrated days, angry days….its just another day.  So this so called friend has made you feel rotten, you and i know that the only people who can change ourselves is us, and letting someone, anyone make you feel less than who you are is not worth one ounce of your energy. 
You, my friend are loved.  It may not be by a husband (and coming from experience, its not all its cracked up to be!) but so many people love you.  I am sending you a big pillow of love today B, it should reach you by 5pm.  Be good to yourself girl, and dont be so hard on yourself, find the good, and get that little whispering self esteem devil off your shoulder.  When you leave work today, look up and know that my little bundle is just about to arrive and make you feel all gooey inside…lol.
Hope to see you on the weekend,
Love K xxxxxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hi all and thanks for your replies,
I have had a massive weekend, and i mean massive.
Yesterday i went on a shopping trip.  It was in Melbourne, you go to all the factories and buy buy buy.  Normally i do my Christmas shopping, the bargains are amazing, but this year i thought i would splurge a little on myself…..and i did.
We started at 7am and didnt get back to our cars until 8.30 that night.  To say i was tired would be an understatement.  I had to do my grocery shopping today, and then i came home, had a nanna nap and then weeded my garden.  That sounds pretty basic, but…..i have never weeded a garden in my life.  I dont like doing it, i never have.  Today was hot and by tonight, although it was still very muggy it was lovely out there.  I couldnt help myself.  I have to wonder if there is something wrong with me….lol.
My sister is flying in from Darwin tomorrow night….late.   Of course the baby sister is picking her up.  Its going to take me a couple of hours to get there, but it will be great to see her, its been 10 months.  She has come down to see mum, who is doing ok, grumpy as anything today so she must be feeling better.  I got shoved out the door after a 5 minute visit!!!!  A busy week ahead for me, thank god gambling isnt a part of my life anymore, i would be in serious trouble.
I hope you are all well and happy,
Kathryn xxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Hiya Larry,
Thank you for your post, as usual you put a lot of thought into it.
Heres an interesting tidbit you might like….
My family nickname is Tootie (tutti).  My father named me as a newborn, he called me little Toot and to this day, 40 years later my mum and siblings still use it.
I did smile to myself when Wayan said about the house for tutti!!!
Thanks again Larry, you made me smile this morning,
K xxxxxxxx
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

I watched a movie tonight and these lines struck a massive chord with me, i just had to write them down…..
if you are willing to regard everything that happens on your journey as a clue,
and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher,
and if you are prepared to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself,
Then the truth will not be with held from you.
K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[kathryn]

Well, things are looking up.  Mum is home, and she seems to be getting a little better day by day.  There has been a lot of running around by myself and my sister.  We have put a lot of things into place to make life a little easier for my mum and step dad.
Its unreal how you suddenly apprecieate things when your life takes a dramatic change.  My life hasnt changed too much really, but i think my mums will and she is none too happy about it.  Im just grateful that i could go over there tonight, have a chat to her and a cuddle and tell her i love her. 
Gambling has not come into my mind, i have been so busy and so tired that i havent had time to think aobut it, but in truth, thank god im not gambling, i can only imagine just how i would be spending my spare time if i was.  There would just be no way i could have been as productive as i have been if i was in action, and my mum would have suffered for that, then the guilt i would have felt afterwards, that horrendous wave of nausea, ugh.
Im not sure what will happen in the future with my mum, but i am grateful that i will be present for her, that i will be able to help her with a clear mind. 
TC…..KxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[Author]

Posts