[kathryn]

P, great job of fighting those urges, I hope you find a lovely ‘something’ to wear, you deserve it!!! It is exhausting, fighting the urges. I had an interesting experience last night, it was the break up of my water aerobics group, we went to my favourite venue…….I was able to access the smoking area ( I know…..) via our eating area, when, however the night was over, 3 of us went back out for a last puff ( I know!). They locked the door so we couldn’t get back in and I had to walk right through the pokie area. I thought about how many thousands of hours I wasted in that room….for what? I didn’t recognise 1 machine (not that I was checking them all out), it has been 4 and a half years since I gambled there so I suppose that was to be expected. I felt……nothing. I remembered the feelings, how I was when I was down to almost nothing, walking out of there and feeling revolting, dirty, exhausted. Hating myself. Why did I torment myself all those years? Knowing the outcome, knowing that I would never ‘win’, escaping my life and missing my childrens…..ugh.
You avoided those feelings, you got through it. I knew you could!!!! Love K xxxx

[kathryn]

P….just hold on, don’t gamble for anything…..its almost Christmas, its a difficult time, you can get through this. Im sorry I haven’t been here more, you always, always look out for me, my computer is still on the blink (im at work), you aren’t alone my friend, know that im thinking of you. Get to that meeting, don’t give the addiction what it wants, fight hard girl, I know you can do it. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Hi friends,
Meg, what a lovely surprise, thank you for your post, as you can see im not posting much at all these days and my laptop has had a hissy fit so im sneaking on at work this morning. P, as always, so good to see you and thank you for remembering me x.
Im ok, I wont lie, ive had urges lately, not strong and not many but im recognising them. I think that’s half the battle for me, if I know why im having them I can deal with them a lot better.
Family is good, mum…..well, its up and down and every day is different. I saw her on Sunday night and she was fantastic, last night was awful. That’s life I guess. I just take it as it comes. I feel, coming up to Christmas extremely unorganised and I don’t like it. Usually im done and don’t have to think about it anymore, not so this year……ugh. My life is so busy, too busy really. I don’t know how to change that right now. I feel behind in everything, I feel im neglecting the kids due to work, mum, and me. I know I need me time, I do know this but it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty. Anyway, just a little rant, the patients are arriving and I must go and be the gracious host to them.
Love to you all, K xxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Hiya Cat,
Wow…..a year!!!! Congratulations my friend, yes, its not easy, yes, its a struggle….the only thing that has stopped you gambling is you!!!! I hope you are so proud of yourself, if may just be another gamble free day, but you have managed your addiction every day of the last year. That is something to rejoice!!!!
Love K xxxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Hello lovely lady
My goodness you have a lot going on! Packing, moving, a new start…..im sure it must be overwhelming. As you know im the believer in fate and destiny. Things happen for a reason. You seem very grounded and in control of your life. I like that you have already looked into meetings, it shows your strength Lizbeth, you wont let gambling become part of your life. Congratulations dear friend, I wish you all the best, every happiness and a wonderful gamble free future. I don’t envy the packing though!!!! Worst job ever!!!!!
Take care, Love K xxxx

[kathryn]

Hello lovely lady
My goodness you have a lot going on! Packing, moving, a new start…..im sure it must be overwhelming. As you know im the believer in fate and destiny. Things happen for a reason. You seem very grounded and in control of your life. I like that you have already looked into meetings, it shows your strength Lizbeth, you wont let gambling become part of your life. Congratulations dear friend, I wish you all the best, every happiness and a wonderful gamble free future. I don’t envy the packing though!!!! Worst job ever!!!!!
Take care, Love K xxxx

[kathryn]

Good to see you posting Kin, keep the faith my friend.
Love K xxxx

[kathryn]

Hi all,
Well im feeling a little under the weather today, I had my 25 year High School Reunion last night. I had a wonderful time, caught up with so many people I haven’t seen for years and years. It was fantastic. Of course my recent weight loss helped me feel even better. I also had my 3 phases of transformation for the night, lashes, nails and hair. It was lovely going out feeling confident and pretty.
I have been in touch with Alzheimers Australia, who have put me in touch with a counsellor to help me talk out my feelings in regards to mum being in the nursing home. I haven’t been yet, I should get an appointment in the next week or so. I don’t even know what im going to say, but im sure it will pour out when I get there. We thought she was doing better, she seems to be a lot more content in the evenings when we (my sister or I) go and see her. Then I got a phone call from the boss there telling me that she has been escaping out the front door, she is sneaking out when a relative comes in (you need a code to open the door). My mother is a modern day Houdini!!!!!
The family are well and happy. No more plans for the wedding next year, but im soooo proud to say that Brea has finished her University degree. She is a teacher!!!!! Now all we need is for her to get a job!!!! The boys are good, no big dramas there, we are still dealing with Baileys anxiety attacks but they seem to be getting better with counselling.
As for my gambling, no issues there I am happy to say.
Hope you are all well and happy, Love K xxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Hiya Laura,
Your ongoing support and friendship is a blessing in my life. I want you to know how special you are to me, we have walked this road together and I am so so happy to have you in my life. The day will come when we can sit and have coffee together on your porch and talk and talk!!!!! Thank you for being there for me xxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Laura, B and Cat, thank you girls!!!!!
I have been looking online for some help. The site you gave me Adele is wonderful, I have to say though, I don’t know where to start with posting. I thought about it then I started to cry and couldn’t do it. There is a number for Alzheimers Australia I can ring, and I will, to see if there are any support groups in my area. I do feel alone in this. I need to be able to talk to someone. My sister goes to a meeting every Monday which she says is amazing. She is able to talk and vent her feelings. I wouldn’t feel comfortable going there with her so I need to find something for me. At the moment my work is overwhelming, so I will get through this busy time and then I will do something for me. Anyway, I must go and get ready. Thank you all for your caring words. Its so comforting to know you are all here for me. Love to you all, K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Adele and Vera, thank you so much for your replies, I will definitely use the resources you have given me. I know I should be so grateful that mum is still here with me, there are many that would give their back teeth to have their loved ones with them, in any capacity. I do enjoy every minute I have with her, and I look for my blessings where I can get them. Bless you both for your thoughts, prayers and advice, they mean the world to me. Love K

[kathryn]

Hi All,
I need help and I don’t know where to go to get it. Its mum. Its me dealing with what is happening with mum. My sister said to me yesterday that she is no longer the mum we had, she has changed, she is a different mum now. My sister is right. I don’t know how to accept this or even how to begin dealing with it all. I don’t know how to feel, I think im scared to feel because if I start feeling then im going to fall apart and I don’t want to do that. Theres other stuff going on, something that happened with my sister on holidays that I cant understand. Our relationship has shifted, just a tiny bit but its not the same and that makes me so sad. I don’t know whether to find a counsellor. I don’t know what kind of counsellor to find. I am just ignoring things right now because I don’t know what to do. Im hurt and sad and grieving for the mum I once had, I don’t know what happened with my sister and cant move past it. I think im rambling but I cant even get the thoughts straight in my head let alone here. I cant go deeper than writing the words. Im too afraid. I don’t want to feel it. If anyone has any suggestions about who would be a good person to seek out I would be really grateful. Love to you all, K xxxx

[kathryn]

Hi all
Thank you Harry for finding my thread, it was a bit shocking to see the ‘4 years 3 months’…….surely it cant be that long since I first joined this wonderful community.
So, life…..its busy. I am dealing with my mum at the nursing home, my sister and I are kind of tag teaming every night of the week to see her after dinner. It can be exhausting, I am never sure how she is going to be when I get there….my last visit she was in tears saying that she had a big fight with my stepdad (he hadn’t been there that day). It hasn’t been fun to say the least, my mind is reeling, should she be there, was it too soon, would she be better off at home, it goes on and on. I have to say my addiction is kind of helpful in the respect that I am still able to put things to the back and not think about them, I am still able to find that zone out place…….I just don’t need to gamble to do it. Im not sure if its a good thing or not but its how I am coping and I don’t know how to do it any other way…….yet.
I wont lie, there have been urges, times of stress feed my addiction and it starts to whisper. I have managed to push it away so far. I try and get busy, not think about it, call someone…..all the tools I have learnt here. Im sure I have used each and every one of them. Thankfully my exclusion is still in place and I am of the firm belief that it will remain that way for a long long time. Im not sure what will be next, i have no grand plans (except for my daughters wedding next year, another financial stress). I do know that i will keep aware, that i will not allow my addiction to creep back, that i will do all i can to keep myself safe. One day at a time, i cant do any more than that. Hope you are all well and happy, thanks for reading, K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hiya B, my thread is missing too, I spoke to Janey and she seems to think that because mine is so old it may have been accidentally archived. I told her yours was gone too, hopefully they are somewhere together, maybe having a wine and a good old fashioned gossip!!! Either way, Janey is onto it!!! Love ya girl. K *****

[kathryn]

Hope you are feeling better soon Lizbeth,
I know you think you are just going through the motions, but im sure you are making huge strides in your life. 
Have a lovely weekend, get well soon lovely lady,
K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

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