[kathryn]

Hi lizbeth,
Thank you for asking after my mum.
She is doing well, the Alzheimer’s seems to have stalled and she hasn’t deteriorated very much for a while now. Her body is in great condition, she could be here for another 20 years! I’m going to see her tomorrow to assist the facility hairdresser….mum can be difficult and doesn’t like her hair cut, unfortunately for her we have a wedding in 4 weeks so I have devised a plan, along with the hairdresser……she will cut and I will keep mum busy!
I’m really happy where she is, the facility is beautiful, as are the staff. I don’t have to worry about her which is a massive relief.
Anyway, thanks again for your post, take care lovely lady!
Kathryn xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hiya lizbeth,
Sounds like you really need that trip away! I’m sure it will do you the world of good! I’m not sure how long you haven’t been sleeping well for or why, my only suggestions are of the old fashioned kind…..reading a book, hot chocolate before bed, hot bath??? Lol!!
Thank you for your support on my thread, I’ve been absent lately, obviously my mind has been on other things. I’m happy to report that my exclusion is back in place….I thought I would be ok without it, yeah right!
So,i will wish you goodnight my lovely friend, just about my bedtime…..have a wonderful trip, I hope you get all the relaxation you need!!
Love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hello my lovely GT friends,
I’ve had a bit of a time trying to log on here, not sure if it’s my end or GT’s…..anyway I’m on my phone, I find I don’t post as well as it’s too slow to type! Anyway……
Last week I told my very best friend about my ‘slip’, I am truly so so fortunate to have such a beautiful person in my life, not only did she feel guilty that I gambled (crazy I know), but she also put the date in her phone and came with me to exclude last week. The relief was instant, what a wonderful feeling to not have to think about it anymore, I’ve removed the temptation, one less thing to worry about! I have told dames of my exclusion, nothing else though, it’s the decision I’ve made. So I’m ok, my work has dropped a little for a month, I’m so pleased I can’t go there anymore, stress is a big trigger for me. I may have to start walking more, only 4 weeks until the nuptials, it’s a good way to relieve the stress and ensure my dress fits!!!!!
As always, thank you all for your unwavering support. I feel I don’t deserve it but please know tgat you all mean the world to me. Take care friends, K XXX

[kathryn]

Thank you for your unwavering support. I do feel like I’ve let everyone down. I’m the one…….the perfect example of ‘working recovery’.
Vera, I put myself on that pedestal.
Pride comes before a fall.
It would never happen to me!
How the mighty have fallen!
I have been put back in my place, the addiction has seen to it. I guess I should say thank you, you may have won the battle, but not the war. I need that exclusion, to have the choice removed is so important, clearly I can’t make healthy choices without it. It changes my thinking, it removes any temptation.
I am truly thankful to you all. I know I will be ok. How can I not with such a beautiful community who all have my back.
I am truly blessed.
Love k xxxxx

[kathryn]

I don’t know where to begin really, I can’t quite believe I am writing this post…….i gambled.
I know a few weeks ago I wrote to P that I had some urges. I thought I would be ok, my exclusion finished in June…..the addiction started to whisper.
I knew for the last few weeks I would do it. Every time I made a plan something would happen to stop me. Fate maybe? It didn’t deter me. Last Saturday night I had a work thing on. I left at 8.30. I drove to the dinkiest dive where I knew I wouldn’t see anyone. I sat in the car park for a minute, looking in the windows to see if I recognised anyone. The coast looked clear. I went in. I got myself some coins and picked a machine, took a deep breath and put them in. I felt sick, that first push, I can’t describe the feeling, pure terror, guilt, disappointment in myself, It was like I had never stopped. I was off and gambling. I told myself I would leave in half an hour, in half an hour, in half an hour. 3 and a half hours later I walked out. Head pounding, my eyes almost fused shut, hungover from watching the spinning reels. I felt disgusting, the smell of the coins on my hands, the pit in my stomach. Financially no damage was done, emotionally it was wrecked. All that hard work, down the toilet. I wanted this, to ‘see’ how I would cope…..ugh. It took me 3 days to feel any kind of better. I have spoken to Harry, twice. I called the self exclusion program yesterday and am going to sign the deed next Wednesday. I haven’t told dames, or jode. I don’t know if I will if I’m to be honest. I’m still not in the best headspace. I have no intention of gambling again. It was a shot of reality, I am looking forward. Get my exclusion back in place, ensure I do not put myself in that position again before I sign the deed. That sick feeling, I haven’t felt that way for a long time . I’m not sure what set me off, sure I have some stress, I can’t put my finger on one particular thing.
Anyway, that’s about all I can say. I will not waste one more second of my life sitting in front of a machine. The last 4 days I have thought about how or even if I would write this post. I could have easily carried on pretending. Who does that benefit ? This is the only place I can be me, the good, the bad and the ugly. Without fear of judgement. Thanks for reading, love K xxx

[kathryn]

Good morning friends,
Thanks for your posts, Marla what a lovely surprise , I hope you are doing well and yes, although I don’t post a lot I come here whenever I can and I don’t think that will ever change!
So, life……it’s going along nicely. Work is brilliant, such lovely people, long long days, I find myself utterly exhausted at the end of each shift. I’m only working 3 days but have found that my days off are always full of things to do and catch up on. I have 11 weeks until my beautiful daughters wedding, as it’s getting closer I find myself feeling total disbelief……..how on earth can I have a daughter old enough to get married, after all, I’m way too young!!! We have her first dress fitting tomorrow, it’s really exciting. My MIL has been staying with us for the last 3 weeks, she is a great help but it’s wearing a little thin.
Gambling, well, I’ve had no urges, I really only think about how I’m going when I come here, it’s a non issue most days, in saying that, I will never forget………… And I will continue to stay aware and work recovery.
Well, I must depart, I have the day off today and Harry has bike education which means he has to ride to school so guess who is riding with him! Yep, I’ll have helmet hair!!!!
Have a great day everyone,
Love K xxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Lots happening Miss B,
Don’t worry about the new manager, make your own judgement after they start. You have been through swore than this….you are a survivor! Your BILs health sounds terrible, the healthcare in the USA is shocking, I cannot believe what they do!! Keep that gorgeous chin up girl, love ya, K xxxx

[kathryn]

Hi girls,
Ta daaaaaaaaa……..I GOT THE JOB!! I am so so relieved and happy, I finally have a normal job, with good pay, great conditions and lovely people. I worked there Monday and today and they offered me the job this afternoon. I’m going to learn a lot, I’m going to love it!!! Oh happy days!!!
Love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hi suerodgers,
You have made a huge leap coming and posting here, in reading your post your words were almost identical to mine 5 years ago. The terror of having to tell your family, not wanting to wake up in the morning, fear fear fear! You have taken the first step, in admitting you have an addiction, so what now? Do you have a plan to tell your husband? I know, i truly know how you are feeling. So here’s what I did. I told my husband, I told him everything. He wasn’t happy I will admit, it was a hard time but we got through it. After I told him , I self excluded from every gambling venue within an hours drive from me. I then started posting here, constantly, joining the groups, taking everyone’s advice and doing it. I gave myself every opportunity to get well. Sue, our secrets keep us sick, this addiction feeds off secrets and lies. Stop feeding the monster, you deserve happiness, gambling will never give you anything but pain. You aren’t responsible for your addiction, would any of us here played that first dollar if we had any idea what would happen, and what we would become. What happens now is your responsibility.
I look forward to hearing more from you. Welcome to GT, I hope you get as much from this site as I have.
Take care, K xxx

[kathryn]

Hiya Larry,
What a great post, I too am extremely fortunate to have been supported by you on this forum. Your thoughtful, insightful posts have always been welcomed and pondered over…lol.
I’m so so happy to read that you are doing well and I think of you often. You have made my recovery journey a little easier, thank you my friend!
In regards to my closing line, it wasn’t from the traditional Peter Pan story, it was from the movie Hook and was spoken by the one and only Robin Williams. No matter how little or well we know someone, our interactions with them, no matter how small, in person or not, can have an enormous influence on our life.
Stay well my friend, and god bless,
Love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Thanks for your posts rg and p……I have a job interview today, I need this job, I really really NEED this job. It’s been 6 weeks……I am so ready to work!! Wish me luck and I’ll keep you posted, K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hi cat,
Looks like you have been busy! I just wanted to check in and say I hope you have had a wonderful gamble free day.
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Hi jack,
Right! Time to put up those barriers! Do it now now now while you feel this way because just like childbirth, you forget how much it hurts and go back!!!
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Wow
An amazing weekend, I spent it with others looking for our purpose in this life, I’m not sure I know what mine is yet, but I’m a step closer to it! Met some amazing people, made some interesting contacts and yes, even a few new friends. Brilliant!! I learnt so much I can’t really describe the feeling I feel right in this moment…..I have 2 job interviews this week, I’ve decided that I’m going to get the one I want the most, the interview is tomorrow morning. Should get to bed really but I’m a little pumped up to tell the truth! I’ve committed myself to something, I have no idea how I’m going to do it but I am!!! Did not have 1 second for a gambling thought to enter my head that’s for sure! Hope you have all had a good one, I’ll keep you posted, love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hi friends,
I’m ok, about to head to bed, on the job hunt…..I’m unemployed! Enjoying being home with the kids who are currently on holidays. Feeling a bit lost, Ive applied for 6 jobs, didn’t get 1, 5 still pending. I’ve got a few weeks up my sleeve, then it’s panic time! I know I will get something, I have to believe that or I’ve made a terrible mistake and my gut tells me I haven’t. So on that note I’ll hit the hay. Have a great weekend, happy July 4th for all my American friends, love K xxx

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