[kathryn]

Hi lizbeth,
Your grandson is so very lucky to have such a doting granny!
You’re shaping his little life, and I’m sure he enjoys spending time with you as you do him!
I never knew my grandparents, well, only 1 and she died when I was 13, she had 15 children so I was just one in a long long line of grandchildren, I never had a relationship with her except for a kiss on the cheek. She did however always know my name! All the others were long gone by the time I was born. It’s Anzac Day here today, my grandfather was in WWI, so I have been reflecting on him and my gorgeous dad who was in WWII. It’s an emotional day in Australia and New Zealand, dawn services, marches in every town, 2 up and beer later on……(not me, I’m driving!!)
Dames has gone to his mums for the night so me and the boys have planned a day of local football, after the march of course.
It’s great to read how well you are doing, I’m so happy for you lizbeth, working recovery and most importantly…….living!
Love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Wow, 2 months since my last post, time really does fly!
I’ve been busy, I have a couple of new projects in the works, firstly we have bought a little caravan, it was too cheap to pass up. Damian has gutted half of it and is putting in a new bed for us. I have managed to pick up a few things we needed (including the bed mattress) on an online, local site. It means that for very little money we are going to have a wonderful van. I was thinking this morning that thank god these sites weren’t around in my action days, I would surely have sold everything and we would be living in an empty shell of a house! Our first trip is in about a month so I’ll be interested to see how it all goes.
Secondly I have started ‘updating’ some old furniture in my house. I’m painting it all and making it look old! I’ve done one piece and am really happy with the result. I’m eager to get stuck into a few more and the only thing stopping me is time. Weekends have been full of painting and sanding. Im pleased I have found something I enjoy that is a great time filler. Daylight savings have finished here so unfortunately I can’t get out there after work and it’s getting a bit cold here now.
I have managed to overcome another addiction. Since I was 5 years old I have bitten my nails to the quick. For the first time in my life I have managed to grow them and they really look quite nice! I’m constantly filing and painting them. It’s amazing how much I talk with my hands now, as if talking with my mouth wasn’t enough!!!!
I have not gambled. I have not thought of it, well, only in passing. I don’t think about going anymore, it’s more if I see something or hear something that reminds me, my exclusion is in place, and I feel safe and secure.
Work is good, busy of course. My boss is having 2 months off so my hours are sure to reduce. I’m not too stressed, firstly there’s nothing I can do about it, secondly I’ve budgeted before and can again. We used to live off very little when I was gambling. We will manage.
I’m going to visit a few threads now, take care, all of you,
Love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hello dear friends,
Time for an update…..nothing too exciting I’m afraid!
I’m doing ok, I have been working a lot, it’s exhausting, 10 & 11 hour days, I’m not used to it and I feel like I’m never going to! I do love the job, the pay is good, the people I work with are lovely, I do however feel somewhat overwhelmed……I’m having a hard time keeping up with everything, home, kids, washing! I sometimes feel like I’m sitting in a chair and the world is whizzing past me at 100million miles an hour. Not sure how to deal with it, I’ve put a roster up for the kids, chores and such to help me out, Dames does some……I’m hoping it’s just going to sort itself out as we go along.
I’m going camping this week, and I’m soooo bloody excited! A whole week, sitting by a beautiful river, doing nothing but relaxing with a great group of friends! All of us girls have bought ourselves a deluxe lounger, it’s a lilo of sorts and we are going to get the boys to drive us up the river, tie them all together, and float down to camp…..I’m calling it the continental drift! It should be a hoot and I’m sure if we do it once we will do it 50 times! I’m so looking forward to it ( can’t you tell?)
Home is good, all well, not a lot to say on that front really, no change.
So, that’s my news, this time next week I’ll be in a state of bliss…..lol
Take care friends,
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Oh but you do have recovery left wize…..you posted here and if that’s not a sign of hope I don’t know what is!!!
It’s a step, you have nothing left to lose now, give yourself the chance at life. You know what you need to do….make a start, make a plan. Get proactive in your life! All the support in the world won’t help if you aren’t willing to help yourself. You know the drill, yes it’s hard, yes it’s painful but the reward is wonderful. You deserve it wize, I’m cheering for you!
Love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

I am so touched by your post Ican, to feel such deep loneliness in a time when you should be feeling so proud….I am so pleased you talked to your husband, maybe he has just a little insight into what you are going through, the elephant may have shrunk a bit!!!! You are right, there a positives in everything, sometimes it just takes a while for us to see them. I can tell you with absolute truth that the positive in my day was your post to me. You are a beautiful soul, this site brings out the best in us, may it long continue. Love K x xx

[kathryn]

Thanks for your post Ican!
Don’t let ANYTHING weaken your resolve……if anything, let it make you stronger and more determined to succeed!!!! I have no words to explain how I feel about the deleted posts, no point anyway……the powers that be!!!! I have sent an email and I’ll say no more!!!!! Stay strong friend, love K xxx

[kathryn]

Hi all,
P, as always thank you so much for thinking of me.
I still pop in occasionally for a look at the forum……so many new names! To be honest I don’t have a lot of news. I’m happily boring!!!
I’m working a lot. Full time hours in a 4 day week, needless to say I’m exhausted by the time I get home and unfortunately I then have to do the mundane home chores. By the time I sit down I’m ready to fall down!
I have taken a sick day today, i have an infection and am feeling yuck so a lazy day for me.
The family are all well, it’s a fairly happy household at the moment which is refreshing! I’m looking forward to a weeks holiday next month and I have a wonderful circle of friends, we catch up regularly.
So, that’s my life. My post gambling life. No drama, no problems (well, apart from life’s normal ones) no panic, no sick feeling.
I never thought it possible.
It is possible.
I talk about my addiction a lot. It aids my recovery. It reminds me of what I have been through and how I don’t want to ever go back. I will always be a cg. Always! I will forever work recovery.
Take care my friends.
K xxx

[kathryn]

2015…….
Hi everyone,
I just finished writing my sad tale of Christmas woe on Vera’s thread and am not keen to write it again on my thread so I won’t!
My New Years was brilliant. We went camping on the Murray river. Beautiful spot, great company, just me, dames, the boys and my brother and sister in law. A week of swimming, eating, drinking and general laziness! I went back to work yesterday feeling relaxed and rested.
I’m happy to say that this year I’m actually feeling really positive about making some plans. Now that the debt is paid we can finally look at our financial situation and not feel physically ill!
My work is about to pick up, I’ve been working 3 days a week, the pay is pretty good and I’m almost on a full time wage. AS of next week I’m picking up an extra day. We have decided to save that days pay, we have been living without it for a while.
I can actually see a little saving in our future. Who knew? Me, the cg, couldn’t pay a bill, could barely feed the family actually saving some money! I’m excited at the possibility. I feel like I’m finally growing up and living like a normal person.
We have never planned anything, it’s just been too hard.
Almost 6 years paying off our debt, that’s a feat in itself really.
I don’t have a lot of other plans for this year, I have my tennis trip at the end of the month with my sister, we have a week away in March and that’s about it. I’m going into 2015 feeling stable and not stressed.
Lets hope it stays that way!
Love K xxxx

[kathryn]

Hi all
I was put in an impossible situation tonight….at a venue, dames work breakup. I could scream. I could not say I was a cg. You know how open I am, how honest I am about my addiction. I spoke to dames, panicked. He said, you’ll be right and proceeded to go and find a machine to play. I put his needs, feelings, whatever the hell you want to call it before mine and had to stand at a machine with the bosses wife. I went to the toilet, I got a drink, I went for a cigarette, anything to get out of that room. Dames is embarrassed about it. I felt I couldn’t open my mouth and yes, I pushed that damn button with the wife and another woman all the while waiting for the tap on the shoulder. I am sick about it. The relief when it was gone was extraordinary. I felt so pressured, she kept telling me it was my turn to push and she wouldn’t quit when I said I was happy to just stand there. Dames was off spending all our money and is now in bed as mad as hell. I don’t feel I slipped, I almost feel violated for want of a better word and I am PISSED that dames didn’t help me. Never again….if it’s there next year I am busy!!!!! Rant over
Love K x

[kathryn]

Hi Eileen,
I giggled to myself when you talked about boring anyone here…..I have been using this site for over 5 years and the first 4 saw me post every thought that came into my head (seriously!)
I am happy to read that you and your husband are doing this together….United we stand! It will get harder, like giving birth we are programmed to forget the pain! You need to keep reminding yourself why you are here…keep,remembering! This addiction will take any small thought and turn it into 1 massive urge. Perhaps you and your husband can have a back up plan for when one or both of you gets the urge to gamble…….planning helps, keeping busy helps, set yourselves small goals, a date night, the movies, a tub of delicious ice cream to share….small steps, one day at a time.
Take care, love K xx

[kathryn]

Hiya larry,
I feel the need to post to you tonight. I’ve always thought of you like a star in the sky, no matter what you are always here, I may not always see you or you me, but you have my back!
How are you dear friend? I’ve had life changing moments the last few weeks with my beautiful Brea getting married. Hard to believe she was not yet 18 when I made my first post here.
I hope you are living Larry, the adventure Peter Pan always wanted is ours for the taking and I feel my exclusion has given me that opportunity. Between that and my second home here at GT my life has been saved and I have you and many others to thank for that.
Please know that you have made a huge difference in my recovery journey, and I am eternally grateful for that.
Bless you Larry, wishing you a wonderful holiday season.
Love K xxxx

[kathryn]

Hi Eileen, I’m glad you have decided to take the leap and post, not easy I know!
I always believed I sabotaged myself over and over……reality was that I have an addiction and like any sickness I have to take my medicine. This forum is my medicine, exclusion is my medicine, reaching out for help is my medicine.
I wanted to talk to you about exclusion. Yes, it’s embarrassing, people KNOW, I was scared to death to do it but I knew if I didn’t then my life was over. I was dying of this addiction. So, I did it. I enquired on what I needed to do and just did it and while exclusion isn’t for everyone it is definitely for me. It was instant relief and in 5 1/2 years I have had 1 slip up, in between excluding! It’s worth considering, it changed my life.
You don’t have to think long term in fighting this addiction, just today, just this hour, just this minute if you have to. Don’t worry about what might happen in a month, just get through the now.
Im not sure what a biweekly loan is….doesn’t sound too good though, does your husband know about your gambling?
Eileen, you should be proud that you have started a thread here, it’s a big step. Please use the helpline and forum as much as you need, I used to write down every thought in my head. You will get so much support. I hope to hear more from you. Welcome , it’s not an easy road we walk but we walk it together and pick each other up when we stumble.
Love, K x

[kathryn]

Hi all, P thanks for bumping me up……
So, I have a married daughter! I still can’t quite believe it! The day was of course, perfect! Brea looked absolutely stunning, I wish I could post a photo for you all to see! It all went so smoothly, she was amazingly calm, no hissy fits, just fun and relaxation . I could go on and on and bore you all to death but I won’t!
Apart from the wedding I am just working, it’s busy and I know how daunting Christmas can be for a cg. I remember trying to win money for presents, panicking that I wouldn’t have enough and never having enough because I had gambled it all away…..ugh. This year I’m feeling a lot less panicked, only because I haven’t done a lot of shopping yet! We are going away on the 27th for a week camping and I am soooo looking forward to that.
I haven’t really thought about gambling since my self exclusion. That in itself is the best Christmas present I could ever give myself.
Well, I have the day off and need to get cleaning. Love to you all, K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hi everyone,
I had my daughters hens day Saturday. We hopped on a disco bus and headed off. It was great fun, I had to wear the mother of the bride sash…lol. We ended up at this groovy little bar and then to the seediest nightclub in town! I got home at 2.30! I wasn’t going to leave brea and we actually had the opportunity to have a good talk. My gambling affected her the most out of my children and although I can’t change what happened I acknowledged her feelings. I think she felt better which was my aim. We ended up eating greasy McDonald’s and called dames for a ride home. I spent nearly all day yesterday in bed…..Lol. I’m not as young as I think I am!!!
So I don’t have a lot of work this week which is a shame, I can’t do much about it, we just need to tighten the purse strings a bit. Thank god for my exclusion, the pressure would be a huge trigger right now.
Well must go and do some housework,
Take care my friends,
Love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hiya kpat,
Congratulations on your exclusion, it’s not an easy thing to do!
I’m glad you have found this forum, you will gain a lot of insight into your addiction plus ways to cope.
It’s difficult when you have a gambling partner…..I have one too and it is brilliant that you have excluded together and it sounds as though you are able to talk openly about your gambling.
The bills, well they won’t go away overnight. I think the best you can do is try and make some payment plans. Money worries were always one of my triggers which we all know is ridiculous as gambling causes more. Once you come out of the fog you will be able to think more clearly and come up with a realistic way to tackle your debt.
For right now, keeping busy is good, read and post here, it really does help. Your head has been full of gambling thoughts for a long time, it will take time for them to reduce, I know how you feel, we all do here.
Well done for reaching out for help, it’s a big step.
I look forward to reading more from you.
Take care, K xx

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