[kathryn]

P, velvet, lisbeth and FG…..thank you!
I am heading to jodes tomorrow night and an getting her to block my account with a PIN number…. I tried doing it myself with my eyes closed, but of course you have to put it in twice! Of course that didn’t work.
I’m playing online pokies….free unless you buy credits, i can’t really win any money. But it’s not the money, it just means I can sit in my zombie like state for as long as possible, cut off from everyone. I’m going to visit a friend on Friday night for a sleepover. I need to get away, even for a minute. I feel desperately unhappy, the gambling isn’t helping.
My mum is deteriorating… She doesn’t know who I am. I laid on her bed yesterday and sobbed. I miss her so much, the woman who could make everything better, who loved me so much, now looking at me like a stranger. She dried my tears with her handkerchief, but there was no emotion behind her beautiful eyes. It’s like she has sunken into herself. I can’t make her feel better any more than she can make me feel better. It breaks my heart a little bit more every time I see her.
I can feel it cracking.
Dames and I aren’t great either. I have been unbearable. I hate him 500 times a day. He is who he is and that’s never going to change.
I feel so lonely , my family is broken, I barely hear from my brother and sisters. I am alone.
I don’t know how to pick myself up. I’ve always tried to be happy but it seems I never quite get there. My gambling block will be the start. Almost 7 years, not a bad run. Maybe it’s the 7 year itch? Who knows. I do know that if nothing changes nothing changes (yes Harry , you are burned into my brain)
Time to move forward. I just need to stick my foot out and take that first step.
Love K xxxx

[kathryn]

P, thank you for thinking of me x
I’m not in the best place, I have been gambling online, not for money, they are games BUT…..I have been buying credits which is exactly the same thing. Dames is onto me, he got the bank statement and told me there was all this money coming out from the apple account. A significant amount, I nearly fainted when he said how much! I’m currently lying and saying it must be the kids (I know!!!!!!!) I can disable my account, I will do it this week. I’ve asked Jode to put the PIN number in so I can’t access it. It’s the escape, it’s always been the escape….. I feel pretty crap at the moment, lost and lonely and to be honest, if p hadn’t posted I wouldn’t be writing this right now!!! I feel like I hollow shell. Not sure how to go about fixing this, it’s a lot of things…..not much else to say right now.
K xxx

[kathryn]

Hi lisbeth!
I have always wanted to see a psychic! Never done it though.
You sound so busy! Remember to give yourself a little me time now and then, God knows you deserve it!
Everything will fall into place, I hope I can say the same, with hubbys work being a bit erratic at the moment I’m praying that it all turns out, trying not to worry though, I can’t change what’s happening, I just need to let it happen!
Take care, love K xxxx

[kathryn]

Morning p,
Yep, that addiction loves to creep up
The difference is you are recognising it and ensuring you keep busy, it’s not easy by any means but the feeling does pass eventually.
Well done lovely lady!
Have a great weekend,
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Good morning Laura,
Thank you for your post, you are right, I’m never satisfied! Thank you for reminding me of the changes I have made, not only does it make me proud, but it shows me that I am able to make positive changes and stick to them!
There is one massive change I have to make, I need to stop smoking, another addiction. I’ve been smoking for years and I really do hate it now, I’m always saying I have the black lung!
I did it once for a whole year, about 5 years ago and have never attempted it since. It’s a constant thought in my head, I just need to take that first step!
I had a great time at the tennis, we saw some great matches.
I had to pick Brea up Friday morning from the airport, her and cameron had just spent almost 4 weeks in the USA. When I came home Sunday I went and looked at all her pics and came home and bawled!
While I am so so thrilled for her it also reminds me of what I want to do, travel! I felt really depressed thinking that I am never going to do any of it, that I am doomed, cursed to live this life without going across the ocean, I know, dramatic as hell!!!!!
I am so unmotivated, lazy and I’m not sure how to get out of that funk! I need to change my thinking, I’m trying to surround myself with positive affirmations, I have hung a world map in my bedroom, I am trying to be positive, Damian’s work is a bit erratic so it’s difficult to make any real plans.
Ugh!!!!!!!!
I’m babbling, I know. I need to get off my ass and DO something, it’s Australia Day today, public holiday, and I need to get moving.
Thank you for everything, you are a truly special friend,
Love K

[kathryn]

Hi P
Keep on keeping on girl, seems you are ensuring you are busy which is great!
Good to read you are getting out there a bit more too!
Well done! Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Evening all,
Well hubbys work situation isn’t all doom and gloom, he has work which I am so grateful for, the concern for me is will it be ongoing?
Thankfully my exclusion stops me looking for my zombie zone, in front of a machine!
My daughter returns from the USA on Friday after almost 4 weeks away doing all the things I have only dreamed of, I can’t wait to see her, Harry and I are picking her and her husband up from the airport and then I’m off to the tennis!
I’m extremely broke this year so there will be no shopping for me but that’s ok, I have enough for some food and my tickets are paid for, I love the Australian Open and look forward to it every single year!
Lots happening at home, Bailey has started trade school and Harry has 1 more week before returning, my day off tomorrow is certainly no day off!!!
2 more sleeps and I’ll be relaxing….. Can’t wait!
Take care my friends, K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hi Jessica,
Nowa the best time to put your barriers up, while you are feeling low.
This addiction has the uncanny ability to make us forget just how bad we end up feeling.
How about excluding from the casino? Exclusion, for me was the best and strongest barrier and has worked wonders.
Maybe it’s time to confide in someone and ask for help. Make yourself accountable for your money?
On the plus, woohoo for coming back! I think that it’s so easy to bury your head in the sand and hide, so there’s a step in the right direction!
Take care, K xx

[kathryn]

Hiya Seri,
A start is all you need!!!! That little list could end up being one of the best starts you ever made!!!!
So a couple of years ago I started a book….. It was a book of things I wanted to achieve…. I cut out magazine pictures, words and the like and started sticking them in the book. My goals for that year were to get fit, learn to cook, go on a holiday to Fiji and read more. Apart from the cooking I did everything on my list!!!! I spent hours on it! In fact, you have got me motivated to try again. I did put a map of the world on my wall and stick some pins into where I’m going to go one day! The power of positive thinking is amazing, surround yourself with your goals and see what happens!!!!! I’ve got positive sayings all iver my house, on mirrors, on walls….. Sure, they don’t work all the time, but what have you got to lose?
Looking forward to hearing how you are going with it all!
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Hi ashamed,
Welcome to GT! I’m sorry you have found yourself here, but at the same time I’m glad you are reaching out for help.
I have never been in your situation, being a slots girl myself, but I wanted to let you know that you have been heard. This site has been a godsend to me, the helpline is amazing and there are plenty of members here to support you.
Read other posts here, be open to advice.
It’s not easy, by any means but slowly your life can improve.
Well done on taking the step to change,
I look forward to hearing more from you.
Kathryn x

[kathryn]

Omg Geordie,
I don’t even know where to start!
Actually I do….. After reading the above posts I am so so so so so happy you made it through! I know what you’re thinking ( I think?)….. So effing what?
Well, my friend the only way is up! Yep, you’ve gotten yourself in some strife, life is pretty crappy, I’m not even going to go into my usual spiel…
I know a lot….. A LOT of people go through a depression after a major op, i don’t know why, but I can’t imagine being told I was dead and feeling terrific! I know for me, I always get a shock when someone dies, like its never going to happen, David Bowie comes to mind, I was FLOORED! l didn’t know the man from a bar of soap! We aren’t invincible . It’s the cold hard truth .
No wonder you feel like crud! How absolutely frightening!
Geordie you are alive! Breathing! And you know what? You are my friend. I have been absent for too long, detached from everything, not just this forum, my personal life is pretty sh#t right now. And I’m not helping matters. The only step I’ve taken is to come back here. Yep, it might be the same stuff different day, but it’s my stuff and my day lol!
I just really want to say, after all that babble, that no matter what, I am always here for you, I want everything good in this world for you, I am so grateful that you are alive!
It might now seem much right now, but I’m giving every positive thought to you. I know you will. Be ok because we keep fighting, trying, hoping and believing.
I believe in you Geordie, love K xx

[kathryn]

hi david and welcome!
I’m impressed at your resolve and information regarding what to do to help yourself! I had no idea what to do when I first came here! I took every single suggestion and ran with it and I’m happy to say that so far it has worked. I’ll never be cured, that’s something I accepted a long time ago. My barriers are for life!
I look forward to following your story. I’ve always said we walk a road to recovery, I’m glad you’ve put your most comfortable shoes on and decided to join us!!!!
Get those barriers up asap, you can change your life, read and post, it really does help!
Take care, K x

[kathryn]

Hi FG,
I was just reading yours and Vera’s posts in regards to new members……I’m assuming they can join the community groups along with us oldies???? I remember coming here and being in awe of members who had been gamble free for what I considered to be a long time….marilee comes to mind immediately! She was a lifeline for me, knowing it COULD be done! It inspired me and gave me so much hope! And god knows I needed it! In saying that, I understand the need for new members to ease in as such, it’s all very overwhelming so maybe, as long as they can access other groups it is good for them to have a group. I feel very blessed o have joined this wonderful forum when I did….I feel I benefited so so much. Back then there was only Tim and Harry on the helpline, and I have great memories of chewing their ears off (poor buggers!)
I guess in the end it’s the new members who can say whether that group works, it may build a foundation of friendship as well…. Look at all of us that are still here!
Speaking of marilee and Tim, just a shout out if they ever read this that I think of them often and hope they are well and living happy lives!!!!
Well there’s my 2 cents, wanted or not!
Have a great weekend my friend, love K xxxx

[kathryn]

Hi Christy,
I’m so glad you have found this site, welcome!
My name is Kathryn and I have been a compulsive gambler for the best part of 20 years. Since finding this forum over 6 years ago I have managed to stay gamble free. I am in no way cured, I will always be a compulsive gambler, I do however try an work on my recovery every day.
So, in saying that, I will give you some suggestions that have helped me!
I see you work at a casino. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be! Is there any way you can exclude yourself from the gaming area? I found exclusion to be such a great barrier.
Have you got anyone at all that can help you in terms of keeping tabs on your money, holding your bank cards, making you accountable for your spending? Most non compulsive gamblers don’t understand why we just can’t stop. In truth, if we could we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place!
Read…. And read and read the threads here, there is a world of advice, support and understanding. The helpline is amazing too, the people there can truly help you. Be open to the possibilities that you can manage this addiction, if you are willing to do what you need to. It’s not easy. I lost my house, my debt was out of control, i know that I was slowly killing myself. Slowly slowly things have got better.
You have taken a wonderful step coming here, it all starts with that. We are not responsible for our addiction, who in their right mind would have placed that first bet knowing what would happen? We are responsible for our recovery. In the end it’s up to you. You won’t be alone in this, we will walk the road with you. Keep reading, keep posting.
I look forward to reading more from you !
Take care, K x

[kathryn]

Proud to say this man is an Australian, I have seen him many times, listened to his story and he is truly an inspiration. He is also married with a beautiful baby! No matter what life’s challenges, there is always, always hope! Thanks for sharing Kin xxx

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