[kathryn]

Hi Everyone,
Its been a few weeks, wow that’s flown by!
I’m feeling much better, I have a hard time finding my own happiness, I tend to rely too much on others for it and then end up disappointed…..so in terms of my last post I have settled and realised (again) that I can only control me.

So life is pretty good, the 4 of us went away camping last weekend, it was lovely, the weather here has been atrocious, raining non stop, floods, wind that would knock you over but we were blessed with lovely sunny days that I spent reading and watching the flow of the river……divine!

I am saving hard for my trip next year, its a driving force that makes me feel somewhat ill every time I think of it. This trip to New York is something I have only ever dreamed of doing, 10 glorious days there, followed by 4 or so nights in New Orleans with my very best friend. Never could I have imagined in my action days that I would be planning this trip. I cant quite believe it happening, I have been googling like a crazy woman trying to find accommodation, New York is certainly not cheap!!!!
So we are planning to book around the start of next month, we can pay off the flights which is great and relieves a lot of pressure only having to find little amounts each week as opposed to one big lump sum!
Work has been a bit quiet at the moment, doctors are away so there’s no work for the nurses. I thought I only had 7 shifts for the whole month, thankfully I’ve ended up only losing a few and Dames’ work is picking up well so that’s less pressure on us, we usually only tend to fight over money and its a pretty harmonious household when the bills are being paid!!!
I have today off and am going to get my grey hair fixed, or at least covered! Daylight savings has started here which I absolutely love, its not getting dark until well after 8pm meaning I can get a lot done in the evenings. Jode and I are starting up our walking again, we have been very lazy over winter, so time to get moving once more. I look forward to the walks, its a great chance to vent, have a laugh and work off some energy (and calories!) all at once. Although I have a feeling we are going to be very sad and sorry tomorrow when we wake up.
Well, I guess that’s all for now. Its almost time to go get the hair do!!!!!
Have a great week my lovely friends,
Love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hi Patty,
Welcome to GT. I’m sorry you have found yourself here but I’m happy that you are looking for help.
Have you thought about giving control of your finances to your dad? He could give you a small allowance every day for essentials, this will make you accountable for your money. No money = no gambling
I’m not sure what you gamble on? If it is casinos then perhaps you could self exclude from them? Take your dad with you for support. If online, there are blockers that you can put on your computer or laptop so that you cant login to online gaming.
Maybe a GA meeting in your area could give you extra support too, the more help you get the better.
Patty, at the end of the day the only person who can stop you gambling is you! If you get your barriers up they can be a real help, and talking about things, either here, GA, or with your dad can be very therapeutic.
Your dad is obviously very worried about you. This addiction, without treatment, will only get worse. You have done a brave thing in coming here and telling your story.
Post as much as you need to, read other threads, there maybe something in them that will help you.
I look forward to reading more from you, put your barriers up, its time to look after yourself.
Take care, K xx

[kathryn]

Hi all,
I’m feeling pretty sad today, its a long story, but it has left me feeling unwanted and unloved. Dames has been great, very supportive.
Perhaps I don’t give that man enough credit, I don’t lean on him enough, sure he drives me mad, but I’m sure I drive him mad too.
He has understood, let me cry, be angry. In the grand scheme of life its not a major incident, but I’m hurt and I feel like some things aren’t going to be the same anymore.
Upside…..we have just completed our tax return and are actually receiving some money this year (not a lot), but…..
my gambling caused us to be tens of thousands of dollars in debt. It took us 5 years to pay it off and it is soooo lovely to be receiving some money from them instead of giving. That put a smile on my face today!!!
The silver lining, its always there, somewhere!!!!
Ive been fighting a pretty strong headache today, I think from the stress ive been feeling. I think a lovely cup of tea and an early night is in order.
I hope you are all well and happy,
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Hi Dan,
I remember you!!!
I have just read your post from the first until the most recent and what hit me most was the gradual change in your thought process. From despair and desperation, to acceptance and resilience.
The fog has lifted. You can see it on the page.
Im sorry about your divorce. I guess things are a bit clearer now that you aren’t gambling. Don’t be too hard on yourself, the addiction makes us do and say things that otherwise we never ever would.
I believe that the real ‘us’ is hidden when we are actively gambling, after 15 years of heavy gambling I had no idea who I was, I was lost to myself. Once I stopped, little bits of me started to emerge. I finally feel like I am me, if that makes sense. I will work my recovery every single day as long as I live. Never will I let myself be buried under addiction again.
Time heals all wounds, you are so right, it can be our enemy or our friend.
It rolls on, and I must say it feels like it is going a lot faster these days!
Keep up your resolve, what you are doing now is working!!!
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Thanks Lisbeth and Pea for your posts.
Ive been busy working. Not a lot of time for anything else. Time seems to move so quickly these days.
We have had an unusually large amount of rain here the last few weeks.
It hasn’t motivated me to do anything!!!
My days off are spent keeping up with the house and preparing for the following week.
I have started my New York account with Jode. We are putting a small amount into it every week. Small steps. The dates are set so now its just a matter of waiting until we have enough deposit to book.
Apart from that it is a quiet life. I am waiting for daylight saving to start again so that I can go for my walks. Ive missed them, its a great way to spend time with my bestie and vent out the day.
Well, theres washing to be done! ( always!!!!)
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Hiya!
So, ive been away, to the other side of the country for a wedding, my nephews wedding. I have never been to Perth before, it is so much like where I live it was uncanny!!

The wedding was AMAZING!!! I could go on and on but ill just say that we had a brilliant time, flew in this morning, walked through the door at 2am, needless to say I’m a bit weary!

It was great catching up with my sister and her family, it has been 9 months since I have seen her, so we made the most of it.

Back to work tomorrow, it almost feels like it never happened at all, thank goodness for photos!!!!

I am not excluded in Perth, and I didn’t think of gambling until I came home and realised I could have done it any time I want. Its nice to know that those nagging thoughts didn’t enter my mind. Being super busy was helpful!!!

Anyway, just thought id check in, ill have a quick read before bed.

Take care my friends,

K xxx

[kathryn]

Hi I did it,
Your last post made me smile!

I agree with you, the little things make it.

I remember slowly coming alive again after being in action for many many years. While I loved it, it scared me a little because I had forgotten who I was.

These days, while life is no where near perfect, I know who I am, I like who I am and I’m doing my best to live the best life I can!!!
Positivity is contagious.
You gave me a smile this morning. Thank you!
I’m heading off on a trip today to the other side of the country. Very exciting. Would never ever had been able to do this if I was still gambling.

Small blessings!!!!!
Look forward to reading more from you!

K xxx

[kathryn]

Hi Larry,
Lovely to see your name…..we have been GT friends for a long long time!!!!
I hope your journey is a healthy and happy one. Sure, there are always little roadblocks, but staying strong in recovery can ensure these can be faced with a clear head.
Life is for living Larry! Wishing you an amazing adventure!!!
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Thanks Vera,

I dropped the boys off this morning to the movies. They are going to catch the bus home, when they are getting along its just beautiful to watch. Mind you, they get along most of the time but sometimes they love each other so much its just a joy!!!!
I dropped them off and went into the shopping centre and got myself a lovely top to wear to my wedding in a couple of weeks. It was only $10 which is even better!!!!
I’m having a very quiet weekend. Dames is working today and I think I’m going to do a bit of cooking. I’m not very good at it and I don’t really enjoy it but ill do it anyway!!!
Not much else to report I’m afraid. I’m only working 2 days next week and although I love having the time off and have filled the 3 days to the brim with appointments, lunch dates and dinner dates, I do miss the money on pay day. When the doctors are away there’s not much I can do except make the most of it.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Love K xxx

[kathryn]

The possibilities are endless FG!!!!
Now that hubby has retired you can look forward to the next phase of your lives together. If I were you I would definitely teach him how to use the washing machine, the dish washer, take him on a tour of the supermarket, get him cooking lessons….LOL LOL!!!!!

I’m joking really!!!!!

The party sounds like a blast!!!! He deserves it after all those years working.

Hope you are well and happy my lovely friend,

Love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Pea and Charles, thanks for your posts, Charles, I think I like the name of my thread better!!!!!
So its my day off today. As I work very long hours I only work 4 days instead of 5.
Back in my action days I would have relished in this free time. Straight to a venue.
I’m happy to say, that wasn’t my day today.
Instead I went for a little shop to Kmart with my best friend. We wandered the aisles for hours, I bought a few things for myself and a few things for the kids. It was lovely.
Afterwards Jode and I went for lunch, delish!!! A day off well spent I say!!!!! I have an hour before I pick up Harry from school, aside from a little washing I’m going to make a coffee and relax.

I’m heading over to perth in a week or so. My sisters sons wedding. 5 days, no kids, no responsibilities…..bliss!!!!! I cant wait to see my sister, I haven’t seen her since November last year so it will be great to catch up. We have hired a car so we can zoom around and have a look at the place. The wedding itself is on a big property about 3 hours from perth. We are camping there for 2 nights so that should be interesting.

So that’s about me for now.
I’m off to make that coffee.
Have a good day everyone!!!
Love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Hi Chris,
Hmmm, suggestions for filling in time…….
– go for a walk…not sure of the weather in Scotland at the mo
– start a new book?
– catch up with someone you haven’t seen for a long time for a coffee……not too much money needed.
– cook a nice dinner for your g/f, she sounds like a keeper!!!
– this may sound a bit weird, but those adult colouring books are really great, soooo relaxing and its surprising how once you start, you need to finish the page.
– sit in a park and just be. listen to the world ( sounds a bit hippie) but its the small things sometimes that give the most joy
– get on this site, read read read some more, post and join as many groups as you can. its great chatting with others who truly understand where you are at.
I hope that helps…..
Take care, K x

[kathryn]

So, I have decided to close my thread and start a new one.

Why?

I feel that after all these years its time to let go.

Its time for a fresh start. This thread was my lifeline. It saved my life. Every thought for the past 7 years is on this thread.

So many people I have met along the way, people who I have truly called friend. People I have laughed out loud with, I have cried with……all here. Some of the most intelligent, funny, sympathetic, non judgemental, loving, caring, amazing people I will ever have the pleasure to meet.

In the most difficult of times, you were there for me.

So many have disappeared into the abyss. I still wonder what happened to them. I hope that they are ok.

So many others that are still here with me fighting every day for a ‘normal’ life.

I wanted to say goodbye to this thread. I need to put some closure on it.

To every single person I have met along the way on this thread……THANK YOU!!! You are part of my recovery.

To Harry, Charles, Tim, Janey and all the other wonderful GT mentors here…..THANK YOU!!!! You are part of my recovery.

Lastly…..to me.

I will always believe.
Believe there is a better life
Believe there is always hope
Believe that I can live my life without gambling
Believe that while I cant cure, I can manage
Believe that I can be happy and have a wonderful life

Believe

K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Hi everyone,
well, ive bit the bullet and bought a computer, we needed one desperately. Damians work is picking up, and we need some sort of office program to ensure we are keeping up with everything. So here I am……
My anniversary came and went, 7 years with 1 slip. Not bad for someone who thought they could never ever stop. Life is anything but perfect, but geez, my stress levels are nothing compared to what they were when I was in action.
So life is humming along. I am going to Perth for a wedding next month, we have a few small camping trips planned, the kids are doing pretty well, Dames and I are doing ok…….boring stuff really. YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
Life is moving along, the year is flying.
I hope all my friends here are ok. I haven’t been keeping in touch with posts as I used to. I will try to find time to post and read more often. Due to re exclude in October. I will keep on plodding along.
Take care my lovely friends,
K xxx

[kathryn]

Just a quick update….. I’m at jodes as I type….I’ve filled her in on everything, she has put a pin in my phone so I can’t access my in app purchases which means I’m blocked. God bless my best friend!
Love K xxxx

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