[kathryn]

RG, thank you for bringing me back to the top!!!!
6 weeks since ive been here…..time sure does fly.
I have the most pathetic excuse…..so I went to Thailand (more to come on that) and I had my nails done. For all you gals out there I got acrylic so that they wouldn’t break on my trip. Well, they ended up sooooooo long I couldn’t type, TRULY!!!!
Nails are now super short and I can live a normal life again. lol!!!
Thailand…..what a great trip. The weather was divine, hardly a drop of rain the whole time we were there.
My highlight was the visit to the elephants. There were 3, a baby, a 7yo and a 30yo. It was a rescue sanctuary. We got to feed them, and give the baby a bottle (so cute). I was then asked to walk one up a big hill. You hold their ear and can sort of manoeuvre them, but in truth im sure she had done it a million times so she was proboably walking me!!! It was, quite scary, such a big animal. But the best bit was that there was a pool, and we got to go in with them. We washed them with scrubbing brushes. Oh my. The mamma elephant took a shine to me and Jode, im sure she knew we were mammas too. It was a moment of true happiness for me.
I cant say I did a whole lot of shopping cause money was tight! But, Jode and I had a blast.
We are in a financial disaster zone in this house at the moment and im not sure what to do. I cant work any more than I am. Dames work is so up and down and at the moment its way down. We are struggling. I wish he would get a normal job. At least there would be money every week and I could budget. As it stands i spend all week hoping he gets enough to cover the bills and then breathe out for the weekend. Monday comes and it starts all over again.
I babysat Della on Saturday night, it was Breas bday and they went for a night in Melbourne. Cams mum had Tex. Della had a cold, shes a clingy baby anyway but oh boy i could not be out of eyesight. The granny in me LOVED every second. The mother in me needed to get stuff done! Dames was a tiny bit helpful…..ugh.
So my 10 year gamble free anniversary came and went without much fanfare. I have got my exclusion letter here. Im calling today to book an appointment to re exclude.
I imagined, 10 years down the track, living some extravagant life in my own home, not a worry in the world…..HAHHAHAH.
The dream world of a CG……some things never change.
In saying that…..im alive, im sane (for the most part) and im grateful for what i do have.
I am living.
Love, K xxx

[kathryn]

Oh boy, theres always something isn’t there? Families can be so difficult but at the end of the day you need to do what is right for you!
Im glad you have been able to think clearly about everything. Gambling will only cloud your brain, theres no clear thinking when we are in action. It is just impossible.
A part time job may be just what you need, to keep busy, extra money and to meet new people.
Live the life you choose my beautiful friend, don’t let others dictate your feelings.
Love K xxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Funny, I was just coming upstairs to my computer when I got the ping on my email……
Hmmmm, well, I haven’t been doing a whole lot to be honest!
That would be because I am going to Thailand in 2 weeks for a 10 night holiday with my bestie (and her kids, mum and brother)
When she split from her husband there was a $5000 travel voucher he had won and he gave it to her soooooooo…….
Lucky me!
I have never been to Thailand, Phuket exactly and apparently it is beautiful. I have hardly saved any money lol but thankfully all I need is spending and travel insurance which I must get onto now that I say that.
Ive already packed! lol
Jode and I are back doing the football club canteen, we had 2 massive games in 1 week and I really did think I was going to die!!!! It was huge! Took me a week to get over. While its tiring I love the buzz of it, I see a lot of people that I haven’t seen for a while, I spend the day with my best friend and we get paid to do it so win win win!
Family, well Harry turned 15 last Monday, and we had a dinner with Brea and the grandies of course. Tex was a bit unwell and very tired, the photos are hilarious, wish I could post them here!
Its interesting, this time in my life, no kids to really worry about anymore, Bailey is 20 and Harry has always been so independent. Its just me and Dames for a lot of the time.
Im not sure that I love that to be honest. I know, I sound super mean, but im looking inwardly now, trying to find out who I really am. My whole life I have had someone else to worry about, look after. Since I was 20 years old ive had children. And now…..what?
Still in limbo with my personal life stuff…..I have Jode to bounce things off, but she is in the midst of her own stuff, we are kind of mirroring each other, sort of.
I am having a very quiet weekend, no plans, id like to get some work done around the house and clean out my wardrobe…..its horrendous! If I can do that its a weekend well spent.
No gambling, I am coming up to 10 years now (give or take a couple of ‘slips’) I have no interest in it, It’s almost like another life, another me. I cant say, financially, that we are kicking goals, although I cant imagine my life if I hadn’t stopped, maybe I wouldn’t even be here so I am truly thankful that I found GT when I did, and all my beautiful supportive friends. This site kept me going, kept me sane and grounded, kept me alive really. It was my reason to live, to keep fighting those rotten urges, to self exclude.
I haven’t really thought about that before.
Anyways, enough boo hooing!!!!! LOL
Ill get round to posting this weekend, I have to go have a shower and wash my hair (im a Wednesday, Saturday girl)
Thank you for thinking of me RG, It means a lot!
Love K xxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Just sending you some good ‘chi’ from across the water.
Work life balance can be hard sometimes, I’m glad you are saying no! I find that a very difficult thing to do as well. I’m trying to do better on that front.
I’m in a situation at the moment that’s difficult to say the least. I can’t get into it, but I’m trying to just let the cards fall where they will. Thankfully gambling has not been an issue, although I’ve been hitting the bottle a little bit to relieve the stress, I’ve lost 5kg from lack of appetite! It’s not financial, although that is still stressful in itself!
There’s always something!
Take care friend
Love K xx

[kathryn]

Busy busy!!!! How wonderful that your grand daughter has you! Enjoy your time with your grandson, they are true blessings!
I’m still plugging along, I’ve been super busy, trips and family things that have been lots of fun! I’m living the adventure, and, for now, I’m happy!
I’ve missed GT, I’ve missed you!
Take care beautiful lady
Love K xxxx

[kathryn]

Wow, I haven’t been here for a while.
Life has been busy, it seems that there is something on almost every weekend.
Home front is much better. While not brilliant, definitely improving on the finance front and I don’t feel so anxious all the time anymore. Theres better communication between Dames and myself and that has helped a lot.
I do have some personal stuff going on. Im in a bit of limbo, in a situation im not sure what to do with. I cant really go into any detail, but needless to say, im going to just sit on it and see how things play out.
Im also back on the cigarettes. UGH!!! I know!!!!! Still planning on giving up, but stress won this round. Not gambling though, so the bank balance (be it small), is safe, however my lungs……..anyway, it is what it is and ill do it again.
Ive missed you guys. A lot. Ive withdrawn a bit and I know it and im sorry. I can only do what I can do at this very moment.
I just wanted to drop a line, im alive, im healthy (I think), happy in some ways, not in others.
One day at a time.
Love K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Lizbeth, thank you for always checking in with me.
Not sure where to start really.
Firstly I haven’t gambled. My famous quote of ‘no money = no gambling’ rings true in this house so that was never an option.
I have been stressed. Super stressed. Super duper stressed.
I cant remember ever being so low in funds. Every account has been drained. There is no more. The last few weeks have seen me trying to pull money this way and that just to cover our bills. And they are mounting. I am unable to get any kind of loan (I tried) and because Dames work is so up and down it hasn’t helped the situation one little bit.
So im doing whatever I can, which isn’t much but go to work. I have managed to cash in some of my holiday hours this week and although Dames has money coming we aren’t sure when it will come. He tells me that once we get through Easter he has lots and lots of work. Great! Lets hope we don’t go under before then. At least if we had our house I could have drawn some money from the mortgage or something. Sheesh. We have had a trip booked for this weekend for a year. Its paid for thankfully, so I am taking every single thing from this house and spending as little as possible. It will really only be some petrol money. I feel guilty that we are going when we are in these dire straits, but the whole family (including Brea and the kids) have booked and I feel I cannot pull out. Theres about 20 of us.
In saying that its not all bad. Dames and I are communicating a lot better where the money is concerned. We are actually talking about our finances, which we never did before so that is a good thing. Small blessings.
On the personal front, we just celebrated Mums 1 year anniversary. What a lovely day. A picnic, and a jam biscuit bake off. My mum was famous for them and it was a bit of a running joke in our family as we always knew when my brother was coming to visit because she would make them. Brea won the title (of course!) although I think it may have been rigged.
Family is good, Brea is back to work 2 days a week. It was Baileys birthday yesterday, he was 20 (insert that emoji face with the big stare!) and she came over for a spaghetti dinner. I even made the cake myself! Well, it was from a box but boy that Betty Crocker knows her stuff! Tex loved it, 2 big pieces. Ive boxed up the rest to take away…great bribe!
Della is the sweetest little angel. I sing to her a lot and she loves it. She is very touchy. Always reaching out to touch my face, I think she is going to be very affectionate. Tex is too busy for any of that! lol
Harry is hating school, that great age of 14….im not sure what to do about that but hopefully things will settle down. It seems all his friends are in the same boat. He is so smart, but wont use it which I find super frustrating.
My sister has been down from Darwin and I was lucky enough to have her to myself for a whole week. Mind you, she drinks a lot, so we had some late late nights, so much so that one lunch time at work I had to have a nap during my lunch break! But it was so lovely to spend that time with her, we usually don’t get that much.
So, theres me on a plate! Things could be much worse I know. As usual I try to stay positive but I do tend to withdraw when im stressed so im sorry I haven’t been around. Not sure if there is a group this morning but ill keep checking.
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Ok so I had had a couple of bourbons before I posted that last night, I’m clear headed today. The scenario is that dames work has been really up and down the last year. I have been reluctant to use his pay for living expenses to ensure that the bills were covered for as long as possible, not knowing when the next pay would arrive. So I used the card. Yep, I should have told him and take 100% responsibility for that. He won’t listen to me, and as far as he is concerned I have just been spending without thought. He refuses to take ANY responsibility, and that is what makes me so angry. It takes 2 to tango, and I would never have done it inless I felt worried that there may not be a pay day for a while (he lost his mojo last year and became very lazy, we discussed it)
So that’s where I am. Can’t do much about it, it is what it is but thanks girls for your support, I appreciate it, I really do.
Onwards and upwards, K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Life is pretty crap at the moment, haven’t gambled but can’t help but wonder what does it matter! Everything is my fault, feeling super low and depressed. Sorry I havent been around, everything is just too hard. How do you get blood from a stone? Dames is furious, I’ve maxed out the credit card and why? Cause he wasn’t working…..but that’s my fault.
Sorry for feeding my children, sorry for paying the bills, sorry for covering for your lazy arse. Why bother!

[kathryn]

7.30am, it is the most beautiful morning here, I couldn’t stay in bed one minute longer! (and the coffee was calling!) You know, I have never noticed much change in my bank account since I stopped gambling, I really did think I was going to be rich……the reality is, that all my bills are paid up and there is plenty of food, money for fuel and cigarettes ( past tense) The Christmas shopping is almost done, I haven’t had to think about finding that money. But I am noticing now, since stopping smoking that there is actually money in the bank. In the savings. It is a nice feeling. Im disgusted about how much we have spent over the years, it would trump my gambling losses by 10!!! Last night I was in bed by 9. I had worked an 11hr day. If I was still in action though, I would have found time to gamble. Just a little stop on the way home. Id be feeling pretty lousy right now. Instead, im here, writing to you, thinking how lucky I am to have such a beautiful day ahead of me. Im going to my family Christmas catch up and I cant wait to see everyone. They also have a pool, and its going to get to 32c so the kids will be happy! I hope you have a lovely weekend, you seem to have your triggers sorted and I think that’s a huge help. And hey, you will probs feel a hell of a lot better with a bit more sleep! Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Just read through your thread, I am so so happy that you put you and your recovery first with that casino offer and that they have cancelled the trip. I cant imagine them trying to chase you for the cost anyway, they would just offer it to some other poor soul and it would be too much work for them. They have plenty of other gamblers to target!
I had a few terrible Christmases due to gambling hangovers. There isn’t a worse feeling in the world, trying to be cheerful, knowing what you’ve done, not being able to focus on the now, it is absolutely not worth it.
You’ve got this. Just remember the feeling of that first post.
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Look how much you have done on your own!
You are one strong lady. You have faced so much, scary or not and come out the other side.
Sometimes we forget to look at just what we have done because we are so busy focusing on what is happening right this second, and you, my friend have been a shining light on this forum.
Some days will always be harder than others, but lets face it, if we gamble it will only magnify the hard.
Im glad you have sorted your time out with your mum. And your big trip, keep focusing on that, it sounds amazing!!!
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Not my usual day off but I had a tooth pulled yesterday and took today off in case I was feeling under the weather.
God I hate the dentist. I actually, for the first time in my life took a ‘relaxer’ before I went. Jode drove me in. I think It helped. I have to go back for a check next week. I am getting a plate made as I have no bottom teeth at the back now. You would never know. Thank goodness my front teeth, the ones you can see when I smile are nice and straight. But I do need to be able to eat I guess so the plate it is and a lot of $$$$ to go with it. (in saying that it may be a good weight loss aid….lol)
Still not smoking, 1 month and 6 days. I still want one, but the patch is doing enough for me thank goodness.
I have almost finished my Christmas shopping. Afterpay has been my best friend and I have done a lot of it online. I have a lay by to pick up next week and then I can see exactly what I have/need. Hopefully not too much more, its so expensive, although im getting off light with the boys as they went to WWE this year which was the main part of their Christmas present. 2 Christmas parties this weekend, both my family and Dames, so they will be out the way nice and early.
Only 3 more weeks left of work then a 2 week break for Christmas. Dames and I are going camping for a week, the boys are staying at home, they don’t want to come so it will be very very quiet at the river this year.
I bought myself a diary (I think I mentioned that) and I cant believe how much I have on next year in terms of trips away. the first 6 months are pretty busy! Never would I have been able to afford such things when I was gambling. And now with not smoking…….although, I cant say that we are saving any money. We just aren’t spending it. At least $400 a week went on cigarettes (disgusting I know).
I am starting a payment plan for next Christmas, its time to organise my life. Ive been doing that with my cupboards at home, organising. Its such a nice feeling when its done and everything has a place.
Anyway, just an update from me, I have to go and do a few jobs while I have this day off.
Take care my friends, Love k xxx

[kathryn]

I have an image in my head of all the American Christmas movies ive seen over the years with the lighting of the Christmas tree. And it is always gorgeous!!!! So I hope you enjoyed the festivities!!
2020, that’s hopefully my year to head back to the USA with my bestie. We are just starting to talk about where we are going, and it looks like a bit of a road trip around Tennessee way, then to San Fran, then down the coast to LA and home.
Exciting stuff.
Im looking after Tex tonight, and I have been madly putting up anything that is breakable…..that kid touches absolutely EVERYTHING!!!
Hope you have a happy weekend,
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Thanks for you post on my thread, the funeral was a lovely one, It was nice to catch up with family.
Glad to read you haven’t gambled, and hey, chocolate is a good substitute for just about anything!!!!
Have a happy and safe weekend,
Love K xxx

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