[kathryn]

Well, its Christmas Eve here in the land down under, and I am organised.
In saying that, a quiet Christmas awaits, breakfast with Brea and the grandies, then home. That’s it.
Tonight we have a catch up with Dames family. He states to me last night that he knew nothing about it and he wasn’t going. He is going to ‘hit the couch’. Bah Humbug! (insert cross face here)
He has never been a fan, where as Christmas growing up was massive for me and I loved every minute of it.
Now, the kids have grown, thank goodness for the babies, mum is gone, and Christmas holds a sadness for me that I have never had.
But……I will prevail with my Christmas cheer.
We usually go away this time of year too, and the fact that we aren’t just makes everything just seem a little ordinary.
Damian is working, where as I have 2 weeks off, my practice closes over Christmas. I am planning on doing some much needed work around this house, but alas, my motivation is pretty much zero.
God, I sound like a grinch don’t I?
I feel lonely. More lonely than I have ever felt in my life. Even when everyone is home, I still feel it. Cant quite shake that feeling. Im trying, and hopefully tonight will pep me up a bit. You are right IDI, there is just what makes me happy…..unfortunately im not sure right now what that is, but with everything that has happened in my life I tend to move on quickly.
Anyway, what I really came here to say is that Christmas is HARD! There is no denying it. But for anyone that reads this post, and is either actively gambling or having urges, you deserve so much more than gambling is giving you.
Life is still crappy at times, but by God it is no where near as stressful as a crappy life while gambling. Give yourself the Christmas present you deserve, your life back!!!!
Merry Christmas to all my beautiful friends here, I wish you all happiness, health, good food and good friends, laughter, joy and love.
Love K xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Well look at you!
What a great, uplifting, positive thread. Im so so happy that you are doing so well.
I did look for RG’s thread and couldn’t find it. So ill use your thread and just say that if youre reading RG, I hope you are ok.
IDI, there was a clarity for me when I stopped gambling, as if something just switched off, although if you have read my most recent post on my thread you would never know it.
What I do know is that with all the chaos going on inside my head, the thought of gambling has never entered it once. I have learned to live without it, something I never ever thought I could do. Not one urge to head to a venue. And, you know, I didn’t even think about that until I wrote this post. Its like a relationship that faded out. So exciting at the start, then sadness and finally acceptance that its over. I don’t miss it one bit. It almost feels like it never happened at all. I don’t remember the person I was back then. I will never be that person again. If only the rest of my life was so clear.
But that’s it I guess, theres always stuff, problems, worries. I will not use gambling to fill the void, to zone out. Im not sure that will make any difference to my choices in the future, but I do know that a gambling fog wont cloud my judgement.
Anyway, back to you lol.
I am truly happy for you. I love reading threads and seeing the progress, and yours certainly reflects that!
Im not sure when ill be back, busy times coming up, and while I don’t post much anymore, I think of this site often and the wonderful people here I call friends.
You are definitely one of them,
Take care of yourself, Love K xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Good morning,
I had a hell of a time finding my thread, almost 3 months! Time flies.
So life goes on…..lots has happened.
Im currently doing a course, it was kind of thrust upon us at work, none of us were particularly keen, with good reason, it hasn’t really been a huge benefit where work is concerned, it has, however been a huge stress! I vowed I wouldn’t study again, and this course reminded me of why. The boss wanted us to do it to try and give us more opportunity at work, he, bless him, is trying to keep us all employed and while its a noble gesture the content of this course hasn’t been all that helpful in our work. I have 1 essay to do, I haven’t don’t an essay in 15 years so it should be interesting.
We have been camping a lot and I mean A LOT! It has been so much fun, doesn’t cost a lot more than if we were at home and its been lovely spending time with good family and friends. Ive really needed it. We are away for a week, leaving next Thursday for what I call the Hoe Down! Its Damians siblings and partners, we have been doing it yearly for a while now and the weather is meant to be amazing. We are going to a park in a town that I haven’t been to as yet so that’s something to look forward to.
So I bit the bullet about a month ago and finally opened my mouth and told Dames I wasn’t happy. He had no idea (of course because I never say anything). He offered to move out, he asked if I wanted to move out. Of course I wanted neither, because I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want this life anymore, but at the same time I am terrified of the unknown. I don’t know how I feel about him. I told him I would not be living like this in 10 years time. Am I having a midlife crisis? (im 50 next year) Am I just looking for some excitement in my life? Am I just being selfish?
The thought of living without him makes me both excited, terrified, sad, worried, it goes on and on.
He is trying. He really is. I don’t know if ive already checked out though. I DONT KNOW!!!!
So, I do nothing. For now anyway.
Money is, as always an issue, although it is improving a little.
Ive started my Christmas shopping which is something. This is my last weekend of nothing on then every weekend leading up to Christmas is busy busy so I need to make the most of this weekend. But, of course im sitting here typing away and trying to ignore all the stuff I need to do.
Anyway, im going to have a quick browse of the forum, lots of new names there.
Take care everyone,
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Just wanted to welcome you here,
Changing our thinking is pivotal, although when you are drowning in a gambling fog that can be pretty tough.
Seems that you are doing the right things to help yourself, and you have a good support around you which can make all the difference.
Well done on your gamble free time,
Keep doing what you are doing, its working!
Love K xx

[kathryn]

Advice taken, I need to change what we are doing because what we are doing isn’t working!!!
I had a good week really, work was ok, I have been thinking about looking for another job, perhaps a small part time for when things get lean…..I don’t really want to leave, I do enjoy my work and the people I work with but for now my hours are stable, thankfully.
Not much else to report, i did go out for dinner last night with my high school girls, we still try to catch up monthly, its a couple of hours to laugh and reminisce.
A quiet weekend, getting the camper ready, lists galore and a good chance to relax with no plans.
My house is almost up to date with the cleaning so ill finish it off, i always feel better when its done.
For now, everything is ok.
Love K xxxxx

[kathryn]

Thankfully it was just a dream, a horrible reminder of where you don’t want to be.
First day of spring here tomorrow and it cant come soon enough. This winter has been really cold, but it has been the wind that has been the killer, chills you to the bone!!!
We are getting a taste today, sunny blue skies, no wind (thankfully) . Its the get up and go I need, and it makes me want to actually do something!!!!
Have a great weekend, sounds like you have planned your trip to the city really well, enjoy it!!!
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Keep working on you.
Don’t let anyone bring you down.
I think (my opinion only) that we are seen as weak by others who do not understand.
What they don’t know, is the strength we need to fight this addiction is something they will never possess.
And we are STRONG!
One of my favourite little sayings is….
Life is tough my darling
But so are you.
Love K xxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Monday morning….I have today off, not by choice but im taking it.
Its been a while. I have been on 2 camping trips, just weekenders, but none the less, lovely.
I have a trip planned every month until next march, busy busy.
I know, sounds amazing right? Sounds like I am living the life.
Underneath it all is terrible stress.
We are broke. Broke broke broke.
We have just lost a doctor at work, she has moved on which means that until we find a replacement hours are dropping.
Whats worse, we have another doctor leaving in the next 3 months or so……slim pickings. The boss is trying his darnedest to find someone else, to no avail. I don’t get it really, the money there (for a doctor) is absolutely mind blowing, lovely surrounds, sensational nurses (me included lol)
So im not sure what to do here. Dames work is just picking up but for how long I do not know. We have bills coming out of our ears and not enough income to pay them.
Im stressed, hes stressed and we don’t know how to fix it.
Meanwhile, our facebook pages look amazing, camping with friends, having a lovely time, pretending we don’t have a worry in the world……
Im thinking of calling one of those budget help places to have a look at our finances and see where we are going wrong because in truth it shouldn’t be anywhere near this bad.
Apart from that……lol
Just needed a little vent, I know things will improve, its just a bad (BAD) month.
Hopefully I will get around to everyones threads this afternoon, I need to shower and head to the supermarket to buy the cheapest of everything to get us through this week.
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

God i loved that post…….LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So true, we ARE superheroes!  And 50 is the new 30 apparently, and if its not well im going to make bloody sure that it is!!!!!!!!!

Im like you, i know all the songs, even the ones i hate, even that old town road LOL!!!!  Harry plays some shocking music, truly horrifying, but there i am, dancing in the car while his rappers go on and on.  Its amazing just how often they reference food.  My theory is that their music is  crap, so they arent making any money and they are HUNGRY!! Hence the food……they are DYING to eat something…..ANYTHING!!!!

I am that dancing mother.  And yes, i will continue to be.  I AM WITH YOU 100%!!!!!!!!

Your post made me laugh……out loud and everything!

Have a good weekend, love K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

I have never been a ‘brand’ person.
BUT
I have always liked to buy what I want/need (probably more want…lol)
10 years of not gambling (for the most part) and ive been thinking about that. So our finances are pretty shite at the moment, Dames work is up and down…..BUT…..
What do I actually NEED?
I have clothes, I have food, bills are paid, we go away for little camping trips (cheap but fun!)
Id love a few new jumpers, I have 2 at the moment. But I have a lovely coat that goes over anything….
Reality……I don’t need much.
I need enough. That’s all.
Your post has opened my eyes to that. 10 friggen years!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Whos the crazy one now?????
Love K xxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

I get those 2 year old dramas!
Tex turned 2 a few weeks ago. He is into everything!!!
Brea sent me a video of him bawling his eyes out because he couldn’t fit into a toy car which was 100 times too small for him! LOL
Everything happens for a reason, maybe your Grand daughter is there not only for her, but for you as well, as a barrier?
Youre doing great, keep going and don’t let those thoughts become actions. Theres lots of joy to be found out there, I think gambling makes us blind to them.
Take care dear friend,
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Great post,
Every day is a new day. Im glad you are here, posting. Its so easy to hide.
Love K xxxxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

RG, Lizbeth, Charles, IDI, thank you for your posts.
Dunc, well what can I say. A MASSIVE part of my recovery is due to you, I know that you would never take one ounce of credit, but in those early days you gave me so much knowledge and your belief in me was something that kept me strong. The amount of times, to this day, I hear your words in my head….
It means a lot that you posted and I hope you know that you changed one persons world and she is eternally grateful.
Im plodding along, not much news. A couple of days off for me which is nice.
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

I hope you have good family support re your mum. Dementia is a horrible horrible disease and I know it all too well, better than I care to.
Maybe its time to look at getting her assessed? There are medications that can slow down the disease, just a thought.
I can just picture your little grand daughter with her new kitchen. How cute!!! They really are a joy.
I hope you are remembering to look after yourself a little. You are extremely busy, and with the added worry of your mum you need to give yourself a little love occasionally.
I just wanted to touch base, hope you are having a lovely weekend, Love K xxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Quiet Sunday morning here in Oz,
The cold has hit us like a slap in the face! Oh I know its nothing like the cold over there, but geez, it is bitter! My motivation is pretty much zip.
Im sorry about your relapse.
No words of wisdom from me, only the understanding nod of one cg to another. Stand up, dust off and start over. That’s it.
This is the laziest weekend I have had for a long time and I have enjoyed it.
Keep going V, in reality, its all you can really do.
Love K xxxxxxxx

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