[K1245]

so it’s been over 2 months since I gambled. I am still on track as far as the repayment plan. My husband has prepared a payment plan wherein there will now be quarterly payments to his sisters (originally it was annual but they have decided that they want the money more frequently) and they have signed off on that plan. My husband has even entertained the idea that he can pay them off with his share of the inheritance from their father but I have said that I don’t really need someone to bail me out. I have a plan and that plan will continue to remind me how I got into this mess in the first place. I will however, accept his offer to pay off my student loans as they continue to charge me interest and the money I was paying them will now just go directly to him. So now I’m working solely to pay off debts that I have incurred legally and not quite so legally. My pay still goes directly into his bank account and we pay my bills together every 2 weeks. So that’s the financial part.

The emotional part is another matter. I have accepted that his sisters will never be able to get past this. My husband thinks that they will, and part of his offer to pay them off with his inheritance was to make it so that money was no longer an issue so maybe they could get past it easier. I, on the other hand, think that if it was the money that was in the way of their attempt at forgiveness then I really don’t want to be close with the kind of person that puts money first. Granted, it is a lot of money – $50K each but as soon as someone put a plan in place to make amends, I think that I would try to support them and make them feel that they weren’t the scum of the earth. But that’s just me. I’ve never been on the other end. I’m trying really hard, for the sake of my husband, not to be bitter but I’m having a really hard time. I had a bit of a meltdown (well, truthfully, a full on meltdown) the other night trying to make him understand that he is defending them and believing that they are forgiving, noble people when I really don’t feel that they’ve done anything to demonstrate that they are. My simple question to him was “have they even asked how I’m doing?” seeing as they were so concerned at the beginning and have really shown little concern since they found out that I had a plan in place to pay them back. (they first looked at it as “lost money”).
I meet with a counsellor every month and try go work through the reasons, the compulsion, and the repercussions as well as a treatment and support plan. She has told me that even though I know that they have to address the hurt and the anger, and I have provided information regarding family groups, I can’t make them do it and I should just realize that I have done all that I can and just get on with life. Either they will eventually resolve or dissolve the anger and hurt or they won’t. Either way, I have no control over that and should just continue to live my life and work on my recovery. But I should be prepared that whatever familial relationship we had will be gone forever. I think that I have accepted that and the only person in that family that matters now is my husband.
My own family has remained supportive and that helps. The urges are still there, not as frequently, but maybe that’s because I have no access to money – although that’s not really true. My husband put $100 in my bank account for me as a starting to some savings and I have yet to touch it. Partly for me (I am proud of myself for not touching it), partly because I know he can look at any time (total transparency) and I couldn’t bear disappointing him after he has been my main support.

Anyway, enough of my long ramblings…. just wanted to let anyone who reads these things that I’m still around and so far, so good.

[K1245]

Stay Strong Sherrie. this may be one of the toughest trials you have faced yet. Stress may be a trigger for you so don’t give in to it. After work, have a cup of tea and a long hot bath. you deserve it. Write in your journal. We all know that there are days that can break our resolve. Don’t let this be one of them. You will feel so good, and so much stronger tomorrow if you don’t let today get to you.

[K1245]

The first thing that my addiction counselor said to me was to be gentle with myself. We get nowhere wallowing in the “what might have been” and I agree with Steev that sometimes good people do not so good things. We’re already beating ourselves up over it on a daily basis, sometimes it’s worth telling ourselves in the mirror every morning, sometimes more than once a day. “I am a good person, I just did a bad thing. I am committed to avoid doing it again”. Don’t wait for that acknowledgement from someone else – give it to yourself.

[K1245]

I honestly believe it will get better from here. With hubby now knowing your darkest secret and controlling the finances, it somehow seems easier to stay away. I know when I told, I was just so relieved that he didn’t want to leave that it was a boost to me wanting to get better. Whenever you get the urge now, just either come on here and write or write in a journal. You will get frustrated with everyone and you will have triggers but if you write it down and figure out why you want to gamble it’s a little easier to defeat it. Like waking yourself from a nightmare.

[K1245]

I have to agree with Jen.  Telling my hubby was probably the hardest thing that I have done in my life but also one of the best.  Once the lies were out there in the open, and he had control of all money,  my health improved and I could finally think about things other than how I was ever going to get out of the hole I had created.  I can’t promise that he will immediately understand but I’m sure he loves you and want you to get better.  All I know is that it’s almost impossible to do this on your own.  Especially for those of us who can’t be around the temptation of available money .

[K1245]

I am so sorry that you couldn’t get past the urge last night. If you read my journal, you will see that I had to do the same thing that you are doing now. It’s sad that we have to hit rock bottom before we recognize that we have to ask for help. Telling was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do but it was the best thing that I could do for myself in order to truly start to recover. I don’t think anyone can be harder on us than we are on ourselves. It will get better – not quickly – but we need to realize that in letting it out in the open, there is a huge weigh lifted.

[K1245]

Something that I’ve realized over the past month and a half. Recovery is pretty much a road that you will travel, aside from counselors and fellow CGs, alone. For me this will be a minimum 6 years as that is how long my financial plan will be in place to pay off the debts I incurred.
I am still bet free because of my self inflicted prevention strategies but that doesn’t mean that the urges aren’t there. My addiction counselor gave me a paper that shows the “iceberg analogy” where only 15% of your addiction is above the surface (the money part pretty much), the other 85% is triggers. She encouraged me to look at this paper every time I had the urge and try to pinpoint what was going on in my life at that time. Most of the time it was loneliness, brought on by feeling like I was being left out of conversations between my husband and his sisters – so really, self esteem issues. There was one emotion that wasn’t listed though, that I found today – anger. Anger that people say they want to be involved in my recovery, want to understand why I did what I did, want to heal so that there might be some chance of a healthy relationship again. But they really don’t. My problem is not their problem. I am not their problem. It is not necessary for us to ever have more than a civil relationship if we are in the same room. So why don’t they just say that? Why give lip service to the idea that they want anything more? Why can’t they just admit that their only concern is that they get the money back?
I even find that although my husband is supportive and helpful in keeping my safeguards in place, even he doesn’t go beyond that, aside from the occasional “how are you feeling?”. He’s offered to go to my counselling sessions with me but he has no incentive to seek out family support groups on his own. I’ve even brought home literature that basically holds your hand in finding these groups but as of yet no one is the least bit interested. As long as I hold up my end of the deal and pay back the money – I question whether my family, other than my husband who has a vested interest in our future, cares if I even gamble again.
So I am acknowledging that other than my fellow recovering CG’s and my counselor I am in this alone. But I’ve also resolved to come out of this stronger so I will carry on…

[K1245]

well, we made it through Christmas. Luckily, I have a family (my side) that takes all in stride – we are all flawed, we need to accept that and move forward. Many Christmas plans, however seemed to fall through, but not because of me, or my husband, it just happened to work out that way. Because Christmas has always been a big deal to me to be part of family dinners on both sides of my family, it was hard. And I found things that I had never even thought twice about were actual triggers. But because I still do not have control over any bank accounts with money in them, there was nothing I could do but recognize them and fight through them. I read from others how easy it is to relapse and can totally relate. If I had access to a bank account with money in it, I would be right back where I started. Some days I feel really strong and others are really tough. I have tried to explain the “compulsion” part to my husband and I think he’s finally getting it. The idea that until you’re broke, there’s still a chance you can win. There’s no such thing as cashing out ahead. So here I am, a month and 2 days since my first post and trudging through. At least I understand it now, understand that there can never be any slots in my life and sometimes questioning if I can even be trusted to have my own bank account again. But on the whole, life is better with no secrets – tougher right now, but better.

[K1245]

I have to say, first of all, that I know for a fact that if I hadn’t turned over all of my money to my husband, it wouldn’t be almost 3 weeks.
I’ve been through a multitude of emotions from urges to depression, to anger and self loathing and actually dreaming that I’m gambling, to down right exhaustion but I know in my heart that I did the right thing.
I think the key is that I am acknowledging that I still have the urge, even though all the secrets are out and I have a plan to pay back all money. I had always convinced myself that I was only doing it to try to pay back stuff that was kept a secret. I’m learning.
On the upside, my blood pressure has gone back down to reasonably normal, I’ve been able to lose a little weight and my house has been de-cluttered from top to bottom and there are no more secrets to keep. Full transparency is a weight lifting thing!
Small victories.

[K1245]

I think the hardest part is the unjustifiable anger that I feel when my husband reminds me of how much money I’ve lost. I know that I have no right being angry with him, he is the injured party, not me. He has every right to be angry and mistrusting when it comes to how I can possibly pay it back, even though I have provided the repayment schedule and made it so that my paycheques go directly into his bank account. I just feel sometimes like he’s not even giving me a chance to hope that I can climb out of this by reminding me how deep the hole really is.
I also feel spiteful anger towards people that have judged me (also unjustified), but I feel like if they don’t want me in their lives (totally understandable) then that’s fine, but once I’m out, I’m out. I don’t know that I want them back in mine.
But then I remind myself again that it is I that set the wheels in motion to get to where I am and that it will have to be me that can prove to myself and everyone else involved that I am determined to get better. It may take years but I will pay back every dime I owe. I have a plan.

[K1245]

5 days in. I’ve started keeping a journal where I write bullet points. Anything that affected my day, how I physically felt that day, any meetings with counsellors and even the weather. Mostly, I’ve felt physically and emotionally tired. I’ve continued to be honest with myself, recognizing that I may never have this addiction “beat” as I know that if someone put some “free” credits in an online slot account, and I had access to it, I’d be in there. So I continue to give my phone to my husband and hope that eventually, this will not be a requirement for me in order to avoid the pitfalls. I’m trying to find the good things that happen in the day. Yesterday, one of my husband’s sisters gave me a ride to work (which I never thought would happen) and said “you’re worth fighting for”. I am and I will. Mostly, I’m trying to keep busy doing other things. Things like cleaning out desks and disposing of clutter. We shall see what Day 6 brings.

[Author]

Posts