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Ваш четвертий рядок 3 -ї строфи викликав у мене резонанс – "Я – це я, я добрий". Я вважаю, що я так почуваюся. Я зробив жахливу, безвідповідальну справу, але я не думаю про себе так. Я добра людина, я думаю про інших перед собою, відчуваю чужий біль і навряд чи можу з цим впоратися. ми з цього випливемо. Я вірю в тебе і мене

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Tu cuarta línea de la tercera estrofa resonó en mí: "Yo soy yo, soy amable". Descubrí que así es como me siento. He hecho algo terrible e irresponsable, pero no es así como pienso de mí mismo. Soy una persona amable, pienso en los demás antes que en mí mismo, siento el dolor de los demás y apenas puedo soportarlo. saldremos de esto. Yo creo en ti y en mí

[K1245]

3. kıtadaki dördüncü dizeniz benimle yankılandı – "Ben benim, ben kibarım" Ben böyle hissediyorum. Korkunç, sorumsuz bir şey yaptım ama kendim hakkında böyle düşünmüyorum. Ben kibar bir insanım, kendimden önce başkalarını düşünürüm, başkalarının acısını hissederim ve bununla zar zor başa çıkarım. bundan doğacağız. Sana ve kendime inanıyorum

[K1245]

آپ کی تیسری سطر کی چوتھی سطر میرے ساتھ گونجتی ہے – "میں ہوں ، میں مہربان ہوں" مجھے ایسا ہی لگتا ہے۔ میں نے ایک خوفناک ، غیر ذمہ دارانہ کام کیا ہے لیکن میں اپنے بارے میں ایسا نہیں سوچتا۔ میں ایک مہربان انسان ہوں ، میں اپنے سے پہلے دوسروں کے بارے میں سوچتا ہوں ، میں دوسروں کا درد محسوس کرتا ہوں اور مشکل سے اس سے نمٹ سکتا ہوں۔ ہم اس سے پیدا ہوں گے۔ مجھے آپ اور مجھ پر یقین ہے۔

[K1245]

Din fjärde rad i den tredje strofen resonerade med mig – "Jag är jag, jag är snäll" Jag tycker att det är så jag känner. Jag har gjort en hemsk, oansvarig sak men det är inte så jag tänker på mig själv. Jag är en snäll person, jag tänker på andra före mig själv, jag känner andras smärta och kan knappt hantera det. vi kommer att uppstå ur detta. Jag tror på dig och mig

[K1245]

Your fourth line of the 3rd stanza resonated with me – “I am me, I am kind”
I find that’s how I feel. I have done a terrible, irresponsible thing but that is not how I think of myself. I am a kind person, I think of others before myself, I feel others’ pain and can hardly deal with it.
we will arise from this. I believe in you and me

[K1245]

Sua quarta linha da terceira estrofe ressoou em mim – "Eu sou eu, sou gentil" Acho que é assim que me sinto. Fiz uma coisa terrível e irresponsável, mas não é assim que penso a meu respeito. Sou uma pessoa gentil, penso nos outros antes de mim, sinto a dor dos outros e dificilmente consigo lidar com isso. vamos surgir a partir disso. Eu acredito em você e eu

[K1245]

Sua quarta linha da terceira estrofe ressoou em mim – "Eu sou eu, sou gentil" Acho que é assim que me sinto. Fiz uma coisa terrível e irresponsável, mas não é assim que penso a meu respeito. Sou uma pessoa gentil, penso nos outros antes de mim, sinto a dor dos outros e dificilmente consigo lidar com isso. vamos surgir a partir disso. Eu acredito em você e eu

[K1245]

It’s funny, every time he suggest that maybe there may be a time that he should worry, I tell him that I know he checks his bank account, almost daily, and that’s not just since this has come to light.  I would never take from his account because I know that I would be found out immediately.  He then goes to worry about a payday loan, to which I tell him I couldn’t get as my pay now goes directly to his account and you have to show a bank statement, in your name, to the payday loan company, lol.   So I have made it basically impossible for me to get around my own safeguards!

But I understand what you are saying – my late father used to say “you can’t do it over again, deal with it and get on with your life”

[K1245]

So we just finished what I call “The Sunday night conversation”. Tears were shed, emotions ran high, he felt bad, I, strangely, did not. So tonight’s conversation encompassed how I can’t understand how someone’s family can invite them to things, in this case breakfast this morning, and not consider the fact that they are excluding his spouse and that in accepting that invitation, he is agreeing with them in that it’s okay to not include me.
It also covered how I noticed last week that when the subject of using some of his inheritance to pay off my student loans he flinched, tipping me off to the fact that he really didn’t want to do that. I have now made him understand that I don’t need him to do that, it was something that I thought he wanted to do. I’m a ‘grown ass woman” with a full time job, capable of paying my own debts whether it be to the actual debtor with interest, or him after he pays them. I chose to not take the money that his parents put aside for him. I know that people think “it’s OUR money”. trust me, when it comes to a gambler and a non gambler, it’s not. it was, is and will always be “his money”. I will not have him resenting me for him having to pay my debts. It’s a good feeling to still have a little pride. I actually think he’s a little relieved that I said what he thinks. He said that he thought I would leave after I paid off my own debts, to which I said “why? My pay goes into the bills, including the mortgage too! “.
As much as I don’t want him to have to pick a side – his wife or his sisters – I would like to think that if he did have to, I’d be his choice, without resenting me. Right now, I’m not so sure that would be the case….
There is still love between us, and I don’t know that I’d ever want to be with anyone else but this is really hard.
Oh well. Tomorrows another day, and a Monday at that…

[K1245]

Does the roller coaster ride of emotions ever end? I have a few good days and then I think I get inside my own head and all of a sudden, I’m angry, I’m emotional, I question everyone’s motives as well as my own. Part of me (a very small part) just wants to go to the casino and feel the “nothing” that goes with it. But I know that I need to deal with this, not just bury it with the “nothing”. It’s really hard to explain to non gamblers how/why I feel this way. Today, it occurred to me that when my hubby asks “how are the urges?”, that maybe he’s asking “how much do I need to watch to make sure you don’t steal my money to feed your addiction?” and whether it’s true (which it very well may be), even if it’s not an he’s just trying to be supportive, I can’t get that out of my head and have to work extra hard to ensure that he doesn’t know that I think that and that I don’t try to start a fight….

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If it had worked, had you thought about how you would explain it to hubby when he eventually found out?

It makes you realize just how much of a hold gambling really does have on us. Even when things are back on track and we’re feeling happy with life and better about ourselves, that CG hand can just pull us back in so easily.

So we have to think.. was there something that happened that triggered this and if so, how do we confront it next time?
Because there is always an “next time”.

That “middle of the night thing” was always my biggest downfall.

Stay strong Sherrie. You are not a crazy lady – you just did a crazy thing. Forgive yourself and move on. No one ever said this was easy.

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Saturday, my hubby went over to his dad’s house to help his sisters decide what was to be donated, sold or what they each wanted to keep. Needless to say, I was not part of this activity but what I did realize while he was gone was that I have this tendency to pick a fight with him when he gets home, almost every time he spends any length of time with them. I’m not sure but it’s like I have this unexplainable need for him to prove to me that he’s still on my side (although there has never been sides). So this time, I bit my tongue and said nothing to start an argument. He noticed this and actually ask if I was mad cause I seemed “mopey”. I told him the reason and we talked it out and he sort of understands that although I’m okay with his sisters pretending that I don’t exist, I am not okay with him having to avoid mentioning my name in front of them so as to avoid a confrontation. If I’m the one who reminded him that the dishwasher in his dad’s house is broken and they might want to get it fixed before they sell the house, then he should be able to say that it’s a good thing that I reminded him and not just pretend that he thought of it himself. Also I really don’t think it’s him that wants the corning cassarole dish with the green ivy on the sides, lol.
Either way, it’s good that I am looking closely at myself to try to determine if I’m causing unneeded stress in our marriage.
The car was broke so was in the shop all weekend. I was soooo bored! It’s not that I don’t have anything that I could do – I have material to sew, yarn to knit, sketchbooks, books to read etc but just no motivation. So I watched tv all weekend and went for 2 walks. Hopefully spring will be here soon and I can get into the gardening. I could do that forever. Good news? didn’t even think about opening a gambling site no matter how bored I was! I had a session with my gambling counsellor tonight and homework was to set goals and what I would do to accomplish these goals. Also to think of what strengths and talents I have to achieve them.
Have a great week all!

[K1245]

Hi Sherrie,

Although I don’t comment often, I have been following all your posts because you sound so much like me and I keep rooting for you.

Number 1 – do not stop taking medication! I’m sure that after a good night’s sleep you will realize that the only person you will hurt is you. But maybe that’s where your head’s at right now.

You have fight left in you. dig it up and use it.

As far as your hubby saying that he will never trust you, never is a really long time. I find that with mine, he sometimes says things that hurt, but I have to realize that I hurt him too by not asking for help sooner. I think also that maybe sometimes he just has a bad day and misery loves company.

Write it off as a bad day and back at it tomorrow. You have made so much progress and I’m glad you put the safeguards in place to prevent the relapse. I know that mine have saved me numerous times and I’m no longer frustrated for long – more relieved. And I’m proud that I am strong enough to fight for me.

The trust in the marriage will come back – as so many others have said (to me as well) – it takes time. someone once compared it to an affair – only the mistress was a slot machine.

Keep fighting Sherrie, I’ll keep reading your posts.

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forgot to mention – started drawing again, dusted off the old sewing machine and dug out the crochet hooks and knitting needles. Also took a side job for bookkeeping – little extra money for the savings account and things to keep the hands and the mind busy…

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