[jvr3419]

I dont have much to say these days I’m doing pretty well for the most part. I’m taking some self care days for myself this weekend. I booked myself into a spa and I’m doing a cleanse right now so I’m feeling really well. I keep getting gambling emails even after I’m asked many times to be off the mailing lists but not much I can do about it but delete them. I don’t feel triggered at all I just get annoyed by them spaming me with them that’s all. I managed to save some more money this month to so thats a positive as well. I’m doing pretty well with finances and keeping myself going so I’m happy in that area. I believe I’m past my 6 months now so thats a good feeling. I’ll set my next goal to 8 months and keep trucking along.

[jvr3419]

I hear ya kin complacency is the worst place to reach. I never would of thought I’d do what I did either but here I am. As hard as this addiction was for me to have and go through I’m glad it happened. It forced me to see that I can never let my guard down to being an addict. It also made me work on myself more in depth this time. I’m so incredibly grateful that I have a second chance in life. Gambling may have made me lose money, but it almost made me lose who I am as a person completely. I’m glad my times were brief with gambling because I dont no if I would of been able to find myself again. I’m buy myself alot now and it’s hard but it’s also drama free which is so peaceful. The only drama that can be created is in my head and I’m trying everything I can to not stir crap up for myself. I’ve let go of needing to control my environment and had to say to myself if stuff doesn’t get done then it doesn’t get done and move on. That’s incredibly hard for me to surrender but it’s necessary in order for me to stay calm and collected in my life.

[jvr3419]

I’m really grateful right now for the work I’ve done in my therapy as its made things alot easier for me to handle. My counselor told me anyone else who’s going through the majority of what I am right now usually ends up in the psych ward. Especially if it’s pertaining to abandonment. He explained that the EMDR is what’s helped me. I do feel I should be worse than I am. I’ve just reached a level of acceptance in my life where I can literally just say it is what it is to everything. I have bad days alot but they don’t last long. I make sure to get up and go for my walk every morning rain or shine before work at 530am just to clear my head. And at night before bed, I do my walk and I’ve been doing meditation practices. I taught myself hypnosis and deep meditation years ago when I wrote papers on the benefits of hypnosis and meditation for PTSD. I stopped doing that stuff the last few years. I feel that it’s really helping me stay more emotionally balanced. I may feel sad but thats to be expected as someone who’s technically in a form of “morning” from a loss of a major relationship. If I didn’t feel anything then I’d be concerned about my emotional sobriety. One of my best friends just told me she ended her relationship with a guy she was seeing. And as much as I feel sad for her I was glad to because now we get to have the single life together and have the girly adventures we deserve. It doesn’t happen to often where two friends are single at the same time in my age range so I’m taking advantage of it and planing us some exciting things to do this summer. That to me is the best form of healing is getting those bonds with your bestfriends and just living life to its fullest. I’ve spent so much time in the last 2 years depressed and not wanting to live life that I’m finally feeling like myself again. I’ve planned trips to the mountains to go hiking in the glaciers and float down the rivers, and concerts in other cities, and day trips to explore the beautiful island I live on. Im hoping to take a good trip up to my favorite spot to go surfing again soon as I got my board and wet suit out of my storage unit now. I’m just excited to live again I’m so glad this horrible addiction is out of mind now so that I’m focused on the important things for myself now. Recovery is painful as hell but it’s so worth it when you get through the darker side of it. It does get better.

[jvr3419]

I had a rough day yesterday. My ex had come to help me move my trailer to my new place. And afterwards he told me he can’t help me with stuff anymore. He told me he’s become extremely suicidal and everytime he leaves from helping me he gets more depressed. It was hard to here him speak like that as he’s never been suicidal or talked in that way. I felt horrible for him but at the same time I had to realize I can’t fix or help him anymore its on him. I was grateful for his help the last few months but I could tell he wanted to be back together and was conflicted. I have to find other people who can help me which is really hard as nobody is reliable when I ask them for help but him. Anyways im just trying to hold myself together today the best I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[jvr3419]

Hi Kin thanks for dropping a line and feeling like you can read my posts lol. I hope your doing ok these days. Recovery is a tough process especially when your going through general life crap. I’m glad that you have a strong spirtual outlet alot of people don’t understand that concept and how important it is for a healthy and happy recovery.

Today I had this weird moment of thought how I never was alone before so I’m still learning how to just live and function independently. Just doing basic tasks like shopping is hard because my ex always took control of that.My ex was 13 years older than me and sometimes treated me like a child and would take control in alot of situations. I didn’t realize it till last weekend when I needed his help moving. Right away he began taking control of everything we were doing anytime I chimed in with ideas how to move things or how to do something he’d disagree. Then I’d become silent and almost zombie like. I’m a take initiative person naturally but I realized he made me afraid so I step back and walk on eggshells for the last 4 years since he was injured. It was a scarey reality for me that I lost who I was being with him. I’ve only ever been in abusive relationships most of them physical abuse. He was not that type luckily and was never abusive mentally when I met him. Until he hit his head he was the sweetest person I’ve ever known but now I see why I became so afraid of him. It honestly was worse being with him and not knowing when he was going to snap rather than being with my predictable exes in the past that I new would hit me or throw me down the stairs. I even had one try to kill me with a knife when he was drunk and strangle me. But nothing scares me more than someone who loses there temper who is usually calm. He started throwing things and yelling and spitting in my face and breaking stuff. He never raised his voice once in the first 3 years we were togeather but when he gets angry now it’s terrifying. His brain injury did something to him that’s really sad. I think I’m still trying to recover from the abuse in my relationships not just from my other traumas from growing up. I’m honestly scared to ever meet anyone again at this point. I don’t want to end up in any addiction ever again and try to self medicate myself so I’m really dedicated to healing everything till I feel safe within myself. I need to be stronger and not full of fear to be with another human. My counselor told me which I already new that I’ll keep attracting chaos till I’m fully healed. Unfortunately people like me who’ve only known abuse unconsciously seek it out or are a target for those type of people. That’s probably why this last relationship is so hard for me to heal and let go of because he wasn’t that person before it changed because of an accident. Life can be a real bitch sometimes and unfair. It’s scarey that life altering trauma can bring us humans to become addicts. But I guess the positive part is that we can heal from the addiction and grow as people. Mistakes happen for a reason and not dealing with what gets us to that point of escape is what causes relapse. I have to keep figuring out all my triggers,insecurities,and fears so that I never end up back to gambling,drinking,using drugs,or with an eating disorder, or even in another codependency type relationship romantically and platonically. I got a good list going there but at least I’m not doing any of them anymore so thats progress.

[jvr3419]

I can say control for me has been a reaction to fear of losing control. Ive struggled with the need to be in control often because I had fear of being at the mercy of other people and this has stemed from trauma that left me feeling helpless and vulnerable. Because of this control has become really unhealthy in my life.
The need for control has made me turn to the external world in order to find things to control. Like I’ve felt compelled to micromanage my life like having rigid rules regarding routine, diet, and really anything I do. Ultimately it stems from what’s happened in my life of not trusting people, and not wanting to get hurt again. To some degree everybody needs to feel some sense of power in there lives but it does get to a point where it’s more of a hinderence that pushes connection to others away. It also can make us really sick. That’s where the surrender to life and finding a more spiritual outlook comes into play.

[jvr3419]

Hey darkenergy thanks for your comment. I feel that frustration when you described the company’s. Unfortunately the whole world is like that at the end of the day. Everybody and every company is just trying to make a buck. How they do it isn’t always right but we also get the choice of what we do with our cash to. I think that’s why I’ve reached that acceptance and surrender part. I can be hurt,angry, and every emotion that comes with the fact that I gambled my life away but I have to be the one to acknowledge that I did that. The casinos may pray on the vulnerable but I didnt have to do it either. I made that choice and got addicted so the only person I should be pissed at is myself. But I’ve forgiven myself to some degree to in order to not fall trap to self pitty and anger anymore. I have my days where I’m sad and depressed to shit because I ended up addicted to something again. But I also realize im a human that was in alot of pain and made a huge life altering mistake but I get to come out better on the other side. Having this addiction forced me to heal things about myself that I never wanted to. It forced me to let go of control, and surrender so that I can be more understanding and have a sense of peace for once in my life. At the end of the day we all just want to feel safe and secure in life.

[jvr3419]

I’m waiting for my counseling appointment and I just got a call that looked like a local number. I answered it and it was a casino trying to offer me a package of some sort to play. I just hung up and didn’t bat an eyelash about it. The old me would of wanted to yell at the person tell him off for phoning me and all that jazz but I didn’t. My thought process was well this is the guys job and he’s gotta eat to so whatever. I didn’t take the bait I hung up and proceeded with my errands. I have no thoughts of gambling at all if anything I’m motivated as hell to keep saving money. I don’t like to think in terms of dollars and cents anymore but since I quit gambling a little under 6 months ago I’ve saved over 20 grand. I’m proud of that because now I’m treating money with respect. Before I hated it because of what it does to people. I hated it because that’s all people ever wanted from me. I hated it because I always felt that’s the only thing people care about and I see how stressed and depressed everyone in my life is over it. But now I have learned for myself to treat it like it’s a gift for my life. It’s something I need for my survival and I work my ass off for it literally. So now I’m treating it like a little baby tucking it away in its blanket in a savings account. I’ve learned money management skills for myself and created a plan for myself to stay accountable of where it all goes and what for every month. I was like this 2 years ago before my gambling mishaps started. Now that I’m working a program again I’m becoming myself again and I see the progress.

[jvr3419]

I had a bit of an irony moment last night. I was trying to set up a storage shed I bought as I needed to be out of my rented storage unit today and my cottage renos aren’t done. As I was setting the tent storage up the wind picked up it was blowing over everything I would put up I spend an hour getting everything set up for it to blow over and rip the covers off that I couldn’t run around fast enough to secure. Lol I’m laughing at myself now because it was funny but not at the time. It’s irony for me because I was trying to do this after work when I was extremely exhausted and hadn’t eaten all day. I got angry through everything on the ground and walked away. I woke up super early my brain clicked in because I wasn’t so tired and I had the thing put up in 20 mins because my inner metal worker screwed all the poles togeather instead of waiting for them to fall apart again lol. I guess the irony for me was that I needed to just not try to rush I should of waited till morning when there wasn’t a frigging wind storm. But that’s just how I am I want everything done fast as I have so much other crap to do. It was a good moment for me to learn from that I have to stop pushing myself so much. I keep saying that I’m going to slow down but it’s a really hard lesson to learn when your a single female trying to do everything yourself. If I didn’t work in an extremely physical job all the renos,moving,fixing stuff wouldn’t be so hard but my body just gets beat down everyday. I used to give my ex crap because he was so ADHD running around killing himself at work being in trades to then come home and do 50 things at our old house then be dead to the world crying about how tired he was. Now thats me lol. Maybe being in the trades for so long I’ve started taking on a guy persona. My apprentice said the other day to me to get some burns looked at from a welding mishap He said, “don’t be like a man and ignore it”. I laughed because ive broken my finger at work and kept working through the day still not caring. I no that I have to start looking after myself better especially my body. I may be 34 but I’m going to start feeling like I’m 100 if I don’t give myself time to recoup. Part of being healthy includes your mind, body, and soul. I’m working on my mind with counseling and doing my recovery steps,and having a sponsor. I’m doing work on my soul/spirtuality through my stepwork and practicing my culture,beliefs, meditation ect. But my body that needs work. I exercise like crazy because I’m in trades and don’t ever stop doing physical crap. I do two long walks a day to because i have a dog and go on hikes most weekends and im into extreme sports when I can get time. I eat healthy as I’m a vegetarian. But I don’t let my body rest enough and that is something I need to force myself to do. Recovery isn’t just about trying not to compulsively do the addictive behavior anymore its about trying to live a healthy well rounded life. That’s the part that’s hard is to learn how to accomplish that to stay in a healthy place all around. I guess that’s why I share about where I’m at now because even after the “using” stops the part of being a healthy recovering addict takes work like achieving emotional sobriety and staying out of the term called a dry drunk. This doesnt just pertain to an alcoholic its just a name for an unhealthy recoverying addict. So it can be messy but there’s solutions to get balanced but it certainly does not happen overnight.

[jvr3419]

I saw this qoute this morning that I wanted to remember for my future to look back on here. “To be honest spiritual growth is messy,very damn messy. Im not going to sugar coat it for you. It’s a process of destruction, a dismantiling of yourself. A place of rebirth.

Something for me to be reminded of through all the tears and discomfort that’s its all part of the process of healing and finding a better spirtual path for my life and recovery.

[jvr3419]

I forget sometimes that even after I leave my counselor, or finishing doing my stepwork, that whatever I’m working on still is processing. Healing from addiction and trauma is a long and exhausting process. I can’t even go grocery shopping without needing to run through the store because all the people give me such bad anxiety. Monday was a holiday here so the day I went to do my shop the stores were jam packed. I ended up crying in my car because it was so difficult for me to be in the store. It’s embarrassing that I get that overwhelmed but it’s a reality of mine. My counselor is trying to teach me to calm my mind and body down because of my cptsd I’m in high alert all the time. Everything I do is fast which makes me a really good worker but I end up burned out constantly because I don’t stop to slow down enough. In my general life being in high alert like I am all the time makes me tired to. Because I’m still doing alot of trauma processing everything is alot for me. People especially are alot but I force myself to have interactions with my close friends,and talk to friends everyday afterwork. Having patience with this whole process of healing is the best thing I can do for myself. I’m grateful for my counselor, sponsor, and friends for getting me through my rough days.

[jvr3419]

I was doing the same stuff last year when I couldn’t stop. I’d be doing fine then all of sudden I’d be back playing again. Its that dopamine hit, the obsession instilled in your mind. It numbs you out from the racing thoughts,anxiety,depression. The trigger of wanting more momey to afford things seems to be a reoccuring theme among us gamblers. If You really want to beat this youll need to go to counseling and start doing stepwork or maybe even rehab at first since you can’t stop relapsing. You may need to be taken away from your own environment to save yourself. I no thats hard for someone that’s by themself and independent to admit but it might be nessicary. Most people I no in recovery had to go to rehab. I didn’t go because I through myself into 12 step programs. That’s the only way I was able to quit gambling was because I new I had to throw myself back into working a program and getting major counseling. White knuckling it thinking you can do it alone doesn’t work at all. I’ve never seen anyone successful beating addiction without other help. You have to really want to stop and put just as much effort into recovery as you do your addiction. Those times where you’d be gambling you could be at a meeting, doing stepwork, going to a counseling session, doing online meetings maybe if you have home obligations, reaching out to other recovery people to go for coffee ect. It takes alot of effort and it’s exhausting sometimes but thats part of recovering and staying that way.

[jvr3419]

Thanks kin for sharing I have read those many moons ago when I was in my early recovery days. I haven’t read any AA literature in along time though. I was more into NA over the last 7 years as I met more people my age in those groups. I’m branching out though trying new recovery tools and programs now though. The book and stepwork I’m doing now are pretty awesome and they follow alot of the general AA principles and values just it has more of my culture and spirtual practices involved which is what I needed. The one I’m doing is called the red road to wellbriety it focuses alot on the medicine wheels methods of healing. It’s been talking alot about the residential school stuff in the last few chapters which have brought up alot of painful stuff for me but I needed to address those things more and get a better understanding of why I am the way I am. Intergenerational trauma is huge where I come from so it was good that the creator brought this stepwork into my life at the right time. Because I’m mostly white I struggled with allowing myself to actually do these steps I felt like I didn’t have the right to. But I grew up in an all native family on reserves the only thing I no is the beliefs and culture I was brought up with. I was a repercussion from those traumas inflicted on my family I’m part of that generational bs that happened so I no that I have every right to practice those steps because ive lived through all of what it talks about. That’s how brainwashed society has made people like me though that just because I’m not brown I felt that I didn’t have any rights. I was always someone that felt stuck in the middle and didn’t no where I belonged. Years ago I moved onto a reserve that was not my families band but my exs family. I was running one day and someone stopped and told me I didn’t belong there. I sat own on the ground and sobbed because my entire life I felt like that. I wasn’t dark enough to be accepted by my own culture alot of the time and living in general society I felt uncomfortable because I couldn’t practice my culture without people making fun of me smudging or doing my cultural practices. I’ve always felt really lost. But for the first time I’m allowing myself to finally feel this shit and doing these steps is teaching me that I’m accepted. I just have to be an example and teach others the lessons and values that I’m learning to.

[jvr3419]

This made me so happy to read. Nice to meet the vulnerable side of you ?. I’ve wanted to comment on your other posts alot but I didn’t feel my words would really do much as I could tell you still weren’t ready to fully surrender yet to this part of it all. Letting go of the need to control is really tough its a security net for protecting oneself as I’m sure you already no. I’ve seen alot of the things you write other people and you no what to say to others all the time. Your a smart women I can tell by the way you write and I’ve said before I see alot similarities to how I am through how you write. We’re the type that have had to survive life on our own terms. I admire that you never give up that takes so much courage and strength. And what you just did talking to your family member and realizing you needed more help that was really brave of you so I commend you on that. I will say one thing when you said you realized your depressed I haven’t met one person in the last 10 years of being around recovering addicts who wasn’t depressed. That’s what addiction boils down to in the end. Depression takes many different forms and we all experience it in different ways. Alot of people I’ve met including myself have had a hard time being “labled” by some psychological term because I/they have felt even more defective by the terms used in the dsm books. But realistically were not defective were just wounded people that need to do some serious healing.the healing part takes surrender and it does require finding some kind of spirtual outlet whatever that might be to take us outside of ourself so we’re not trying to control and run the show. That’s the toughest part or me anyways. Especially when I feel powerless that’s when I try to take control back even more so. I think that’s why people relapse that’s why I did anyways because I needed to feel some kind of control and whenever I do that it always ends up destructive as shit. You got this I believe you can beat this addiction.

[jvr3419]

Thanks for you kind words Kin.

I’m not feeling the greatest the last few days. I saw my counselor the other day and I just finished writing out my stepwork last night but I just feel sad. I cried on my way to work today and again when I got home. I have good and bad days like everyone else. I’m struggling alot with being let down by people in my life. Especially when people tell me there here for me then arent. I also found out my general foreman took credit for a welding job I did. I was humiliated that he could do that to me. I’ve had issues with him since the day I met him but he pretends to care about my well being at times. I thought I could trust him as the person that taught me alot of what I no, but for him to tell our entire company that he did something I did was just wrong. I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am and even harder to get respect being female. I’m trying to be understanding that maybe he felt threatened at my abilities. I notice he’s even upset that I can take over his position that he asked me to do while he’s away. He’s 63 and been doing it for 30 plus years. I’m 34 and he’s had an issue with me being a woman since day one yet never wanted to let me go he always found a way to get me back after I’d finish each year I had in school. I just don’t get why someone wouldn’t be proud instead holds a grudge at me for doing better or having the skills to do good in his foreman roll. Maybe it’s an ego thing since that’s been his identity forever. I dont no im just fed up with people treating me like shit all the time. This is partially why I ended up with this addiction in the first place. I was trying to escape all the bullshit let downs from other humans and pain in my life. I want so badly to be able to trust other people but it’s really hard when I keep getting let down all the time. I no the answer lies in connecting to my sprirtual outlet. That’s the stuff I was working on in my stepwork last night. But I’m still human and have emotions I guess im just allowing myself to feel what’s going on around me. My counselor said once I fully heal from my traumas the bullshit that surrounds my life will start to disappear. He explained that he would have constant crap happen to that no one would believe until his traumas resided. Unfortunately I have alot to undo so its going to be a long process but at least I’m trying and I’m not hiding under an addiction anymore so that this stuff will finally stop haunting me and causing me to attract chaos unconsciously.

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