[jvr3419]

Hey Don yes I no the HALT saying very well. Alot of those things we just have to learn to cope with better find ways to talk ourselves through it. Im really bad with starving myself when I’m stressed plus it’s mixed in with Perfectionism. Since I was a kid I struggled with an eating disorder. I’m not small I’m really physically fit because I’m in trades and active but people would never no I don’t eat much. I had to come clean about starting this pattern a month ago again to my friends, family,and counselor. I ended passing out on my floor at home and it scared me. I’ve started eating again better in the last 2 weeks since then. This is the scarey part with being an addict is the control issues arise is so many different areas. I had to really force myself out of that behavior pattern. I no that my life circumstances contributed to what I did. It was like a form of punishment to myself. I didn’t feel good enough so I started starving myself. I hate that I do this stuff to myself but I’m also glad my recovery is working because if it wasn’t I wouldn’t of caught what my trigger was and stopped the behavior. Just because we stop doing one addiction doesn’t mean that others won’t fester there way in. There’s so many forms out there and they manifest quick. So far I’m doing ok right now and I hope I can now stay that way.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by jvr3419.

[jvr3419]

I’ve been back at home for a few days and back into my work routine. I’d be lying if I said coming home every evening isn’t hard now. Its definitely a struggle for me to be alone again as I thought it would be. My ex creepily texted me the moment I got off the plane asking to go for a walk with me and my dog this week but I didn’t reply. I’m doing much better in not letting him get to me. I haven’t seen him in about 3 or 4 weeks and mentally I’m a much better person. I was explaining to my counselor how I’m afraid to even consider that toxic relationship again as I no I’d end up in some form of addiction again trying to escape it. I’ve had zero gambling thoughts since we broke up. But I had those minor thoughts of when I used to party when he was still in my life. I now no that any form of negative relationship is my trigger point. I need to keep all toxic humans away from myself or at least learn how to better protect myself from them. Unfortunately toxic people are unavoidable in all areas of life but I can teach myself how to not get triggered and emotionally messed up everytime something negative occurs. I figured out alot of my problem is I’m an empath so I absorb people pain and energies and then I’m stuck not knowing what to do with all that inside myself. That’s why I feel a big part of me would soothe myself with addictions. So now I’m trying to channel that stuff into chord cutting through meditations and my spirtual stuff. It’s a work in progress but I’m trying everything I can to not fall into an addiction pattern again.

[jvr3419]

Glad to see your doing well losingitslowly I agree that nature is the best medicine. Wishing you a great day ?

[jvr3419]

Thankyou for your comments.

Yes Don I totally agree we have to find the positive things about ourselves. We aren’t bad people we’ve just had some painful things bring us to this horrible addiction. I’m so thankful everyday that I’m managing to obstain and move forward with my life.

Kin thankyou for always being a good support through this forum it does help knowing there’s others out there that are on the otherside of the screen that understand what this recovery journey is like.

[jvr3419]

I drove with my dad and stepmom through the Rocky mountains today we had 4 1/2 hours stuck in a car togeather so we were forced to talk about some issues in our lives. For the first time my dad acknowledged things from his addiction when I was a kid and some of the struggles he was going through at that time. I to talked to him about how my substance abuse started with my siblings when we were kids. But I also had to talk about how the gambling started a few years ago. He and my stepmom have been really supportive of me since I quit and even on this trip they’ve been really good with trying to help me heal through my breakup and fighting this addiction. I’ll be honest though I feel like a total loser being an adult child tagging along with my parents but I needed it to. I’m lucky my parents are in there early 60s and super fit. So we’ve been going on hikes to waterfalls all through the rockies and hitting up hotsprings, riding our bikes all over the place it’s been really nice. We stopped to see my brother and kids one more time.My brother took me out wheeling again with his side by side and he latched on to me for dear life before I left,crying. He’s a big redneck man he doesn’t cry. I wanted so badly to stay longer to just be here for him but I have to go back home tomorrow. I already feel a huge empty feeling coming over me as I just have my dog at home. Being alone is a huge trigger for me especially now that I’ve spent time with my family that I have a closeness with. I have to force myself back into my life routine and just keep my head up. This is the hard part of recovery sometimes is trying to fight through the emotional times even when there postive ones. One thing helping me stay positive is I met this women last night who was a refugee staying in a hotel in radium hot springs she was over here alone barely spoke English. Her son was fighting in the war. I watched her sit at a table with this empty sadness to her as you could see she’s lost everything. In that moment I said to myself I have so much to be thankful for in my life my own pain doesn’t even remotely compare to what that woman has experienced. I’m so glad I met her as she taught me such a valuable lesson in what real strength and fight looks like. She made me want to be a better and stronger woman.

[jvr3419]

Last night I spend at my brother’s place with my 2 little nieces. I haven’t seen any of my family since covid. I felt like this was the best time for me to be here with those kids because I’m finally myself again. I didn’t have to put on a front to hide my addiction or depression. It was weird traveling and seeing my family without my ex but I’m managing. My sister in law asked me about how I was doing so I said honestly that I’ve been in trauma therapy since December. She said well that’s good you had to hit rock bottom to get there. I hated when she said that but I new it was the truth. She’s having issues with my brothers addictions to drugs and alcohol right now so she’s a bit bitter. I didn’t get into my brother’s stuff with him as I just wanted to spend what time I did have with him positively. We went out 4x4ing for a bit which is something we always had together and worked on his truck a bit. A part of me wants to fix him but I no I cant. He was telling me about just seeing our sister to and how her alcoholism has messed up her brain and her teeth are rotting out. It’s hard for me to here as my stepmom was saying they think my sisters going to die young from her alcoholism. And I no that to it’s just painful to watch my siblings struggling so much. I guess because ive been there with substances when I was younger but also knowing the pain I was in while I was gambling. My heart just explodes knowing they have to feel how I did. We all went through so much in our lives especially when we were growing up and it’s sad to see that as adults we all are still so screwed up. We’ll I’m trying to be better now. I guess all I can do is hope to be an example of recovery for them and show them its possible to get better with ALOT of help and hard work.

[jvr3419]

I’m sitting in an airport for the first time since covid started I have to say it makes me feel a bit normal for once. I’m so happy that I have the chance to get away for 5 days and I can actually afford to do it. My life isnt perfect but it has definitely got better for me on the financial front so I can actually live life. I was in this relentless work cycle and doing renovations on my my cottage these last few months I was just feeling burnt out and exhausted. Yesterday I got a surprise from my work to they gave me another raise and owed me some retro pay and tuition so that covers the cost of my trip and they gave me a gas card for completing my journeymen ticket hours so I’m really happy right now. I was able to afford to buy more concert tickets for when I get back to for my bestfriend and I. We both made a pack to start doing more and living life better this summer. We both were really depressed for along time. Not gambling through my breakup and chaotic living situations has made me appreciate things more. The therapy I’ve done every week has changed me for the better. I feel like the recovery I’m doing for myself is really helping me come out of my shell and being a better person. I’m more attentive to others and caring, I’m not stewing in depression, I’m able to get over the tough days alot faster when I have them, and I’m overall just happier. I’m eating super healthy, exercising alot and just overall looking after myself the way I should be. I don’t feel like I’m in an endless pit if despair just surviving which is a huge change for me. I vow to never let myself get back to what I was with gambling or addictive cycles again I will fight tooth and nail to work my recovery so I never end up like that again. It is alot of heavy work spiritually,mentally,physically and everything in between but it’s worth it to be happy. Life is not ment to just be survived its ment to me truly lived and thats what I’m going to do.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by jvr3419.

[jvr3419]

Today was the best day I’ve had in a really long time. Both gambling and being in a toxic relationship made me loose who i was over the last 2 years. That and covid isolation didn’t help. I went to a ska and reggae music festival for the first time in years and danced harder than I have in along time. Music’s always been a huge part of who I am and I felt like I lost that. I used to DJ and be apart of alot of the club and music festival scene for most of my life.I also found an awesome car show on the way home that I checked out which was also a huge part of my life it was a big part of why I got into sheet metal because I wanted to learn to restore old cars. As I walked around these beautiful cars I almost cried because I finally felt like I’m me again. The time I spend gambling made me feel old and boring as hell. But I’m still in my mid 30s I want to enjoy my life again. I was going to be a professional dancer when I was younger and I lost the confidence to even try going out and doing what i love over these few years. I just let my hair down and did not care if I looked stupid or not. I had people come up to me today and told me they were impressed with my energy and what drug was i on lol. I used to be part of the rave seen when I was younger so I guess I still somewhat dance like that and people assume I use drugs still because of my energy level. But I took it as a compliment more than anything else. If I was still gambling I’d have zero confidence to put myself out there like that again. I’m just happy that I’m letting myself be free and not isolate anymore I have way to much life to experience still.

[jvr3419]

Addiction is but a symptom. The key is finding out what it is that it’s masking for you. Learning to give up control is the hardest part to finding good recovery. Until one does that the cycle is but an endless merry go round ride.

[jvr3419]

Congratulations dark energy your doing awesome ?

[jvr3419]

One other suggestion I have that’s worked for me is I went to a gambling counselor. I found him through a program offered here in Canada. I’m sure that wherever you may live will have some addiction based counselors as well. I firmly believe hes mostly what got me through the early days of the withdrawl faze of gambling. Who new it can be that powerful but it is. I hope that you can find that help for yourself. This forum works for accountability and having other addicts support kind of like the rooms do but it’s definitely not going to be the cure all for this addiction. I had to do multiple things to get me to stop and be able to get me through the hard times without relapsing.

[jvr3419]

Hi Don you meet sponsors through recovery groups. If your new to recovery all around there’s tons of different programs for people ranging from gamblers anonymous to narcotics anonymous and AA the most common, codependency groups ect. The list goes on. In your case you would meet someone to sponsor you through GA gamblers anonymous. In my situation I’ve been in recovery from drugs and alcohol since my early 20s and attended AA and NA I met my sponsor that way. She’s been very versatile with me and has started a different type of steps with me since I’ve done several from different programs over the years. The reason I didn’t do a specific set to GA this time was because my problem was I needed to connect to my culture and spirtuality again so she found me a set that pertain to me and her specificically. Ever sponsor does things differently when they sponsor. I’ve sponsored many girls over the Years in NA. And yes it helps big time its a huge part of having a successful recovery. It keeps you accountable. A sponsor is someone that you choose wisely though I chose mine because she’s a medicine healer and had the spirtuality I wanted in my life. Recovery isn’t always glamorous and sometimes we pick up other addictions like i just did with gambling but as long as you keep trying that important part to getting yourself better all around

[jvr3419]

I’ll be ok Kin ive worked to hard on myself to fall backwards over this situation. I’ve talked to my sponsor,my friends, my family. I’m seeing my councilor today, doing stepwork tomorrow. I definitely will not relapse for that POS. I’ve been through far worse situations to take me out again. This is the thing with recovery were going to go through traumatic situations and how we handle it is extremely important. The trauma counseling I’ve done has made this situation easier for me as I was.prepared for what i think I already new. In the moment I felt every ounce of pain you can but instead of sitting in pain I reached out super fast. I started calling lawyers my friends, family, sponsor. I didn’t leave it to stew I’m just feeling hurt which is going to take some time to overcome. But this time around for my recovery I no what I have to do for myself.

My friend just posted this qoute that says “teach yourself to heal your pain with an open heart and an open mind, that’s how you heal.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by jvr3419.

[jvr3419]

Thanks kin it definitely hasn’t been easy for me. I’m sorry to hear your mom’s struggling I was a careaid for 10 years looking after mostly elderly like that. Plus the care I did with my uncle and grandma its tough to watch that’s for sure. Just remeber to have caregiver time off or respite it’s called it’s important for your own mental health.

I had a rough day yesterday evening as my ex has now started trying to come after my money. I felt absolutely betrayed it turns out he was a gold digger looking to try and clean me out. I guess gambling ended up saving me from his antics which is messed up to say. That money I lost he was planning on taking when I bought a house with his name on the title. He didn’t have any money to put down. My stepmom tried to warn me last year he was showing signs of being after my money but neither of us were sure. He put on a good act. But he blantly wrote me telling me he needs my money and I owe him and blah blah blah. I already gave him money when I sold my house since he helped me repair it ect. I felt completely blind sided yesterday. I spend 7 years with a liar. Maybe he wasn’t at first until he hit his head but I dont actually no. I asked him several times if he was after my money the last few months and he denied it. But now that we completely cut ties he’s dead broke and his desperation is trying to come after me. I’m not gonna let him break me. I had some dark thoughts not about gambling or anything of that sort just flashbacks to my party days. I guess that betrayal just struck my last trust nerve in humans I had left. I’m definitely completely broken hearted and feel like my life’s been one big piece of shit after another but I’m not going fall flat on my face for this crap. I’m stronger than that and I will get through this rough patch. There is no way I’m going backwards for a man that’s for sure. I lost who i was once I’m not going to do it again.

[jvr3419]

Yes gratitude lists are a good thing to continue. I’m grateful for taking this weekend for selfcare. I did a spa day and at the hairdresser today. I’m thankful that my cottage is almost done I’m laying all the floors and finishing the painting it’s nice to see the progress I’ve made. I’m grateful I get my vacation next week to see some family. I’m learning to be ok with my own company. I talked to my dad for father’s day and he asked if I was seeing anyone. I almost started crying but I straightened my crown per say and said nope I’m fine by myself. I do all my own trade related repairs myself, lift heavy crap myself, and make my own money I don’t need anyone. He laughed at me and said that’s my girl keep doing what you can and learn as much as you can to be independent. I’m definitely trying and that’s all I can is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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