[jvr3419]

I’ve started moving my stuff into my cottage it feels almost like a victory moment to just look around and have a beautiful home thats mine. Today I’m going couch shopping which feels really cool to because it’s my own choice what I get. I don’t have to be controlled by someone else’s decision on what they want. I spent the day with a gf from my past that I met in early recocery from my substance addictions. We both were in agreement that the NA programs where we live have turned really toxic in our community. It’s a sad reality but nobody especially the women feel safe going to meetings anymore. Alot of us have been trying outside resources now. I still have my sponsor and do step work and I meet people outside of meetings to talk now. It’s an unfortunate thing in small towns but it can happen where the sickness takes over to much and makes people pull back. I’m sad about it because those meetings saved my life 10 years ago but now I leave more frustrated and depressed, anxious when I go to them because of alot of toxic drama going on. I’ve probably spoke to over 25 women who feel unsafe now and that makes me so sad. Those places are supposed to help us feel safe and not alone. I definitely feel angry about it but I’m happy that I’m finding ways to still get the recovery I need in my life and the connection to other recovering people as well. I’m fortunate my bestfriend is in recovery and most of the friends I have are as well or have knowledge of mental health and addictions. There’s a saying you are what you hang with and it’s so true. That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn in my 20s when I quit substances. The old friends had to go. That’s the weird thing with being a gambling addict though is its a private addiction that you don’t use with other people. But still I make sure to surround myself with only healthy people or at least people trying to self improve because really nobody’s perfect. At my age I find friendships are imparitive to keep me going especially since I don’t have my own family unit or my actual family near by. I need those friendships to survive really. And I honestly much rather have those amazing women in my life and make those relationships last and work than have another partner. A partner is a bonus that can be added as long as its healthy.

[jvr3419]

Kin I’m so sorry to read whats going on with you thats horrible timing. I hope that you can rest up and feel better soon. Sending you fast healing vibes from across the pond.

Thanks for sharing Don it definitely takes time to get used to learning to be independent again for sure. We have the ability to adapt to anything. Everyday is a new learning experience and a test especially for us recovering addicts.

[jvr3419]

Today I felt insanely vulnerable. I took my car in for a standard oil change and found out rats have completely eaten my break lines. My dealership wouldn’t let me drive my car which is brand new out of there. I was so angry I had to walk it off and find gratitude that they found it before I got in an accident. And also that the rental car place was across the road so I had wheels right away. I actually broke down to the girl that had to give me the news. I never cry like that to anyone especially a stranger but I was just in a rough spot with feeling like my life’s in shambles already and it just made me feel super uncomfortable. I live really far away from civilization and My car is my lifeline that’s why I bought a brand new one so I’d feel safe on my own. It was a loss of control moment on alot of levels. I ended up picking up my friend to go to the beach after but I was so bent out of shape I could feel myself shift into this f life moment super quick. I realized that being that vulnerable made me feel really weak and scared. There was a solution though I got a car for now, they’re fixing it asap so I’ll probably have it by mid next week. It’s really something I have to just let go and relax about it. It might set me back some cash but I do have money saved for emergencies now since I quit gambling. This type of stuff happens its life. This is even more reason for me to be grateful that I’ve been putting money away for these type of issues. Not having security scares me to death now that I don’t have a double income with my ex. Today I did not have to gamble when I felt stressed and vulnerable. The kicker is the casino is literally 2 steps beside the dealership. I didn’t even bat an eyelash at it or think about it so that made me insanely proud today

[jvr3419]

I’m doing well today. I feel alot more clear headed I’m heading into a 4 day long weekend so I’m excited for a break. I have lots of things planned. I had a friend in rehab reach out to me. We’ve been friends for 20 years but I cut off ties with her periodically do to her alcoholism. I tried my best to hold my composure talking to her today telling her I miss my bestfriend and hope she’s finds herself again. I told her I’m not perfect either but that I keep removing anything that’s unhealthy from my life so that I can stay on a better recovery path. She always brings up our party days and all the stuff we used to do. I just have to always remind her I’m not that person anymore. Even though my gambling was a few month stint it was enough to make me see who I could turn into again. I was in a dry drunk which is what lead me there. I have to constantly be reminded of how easy it is to get back into that mindset if I don’t practice proper recovery. That means doing 12 steps, and getting help from the necessary people so I dont become controlling, impatient,intolerant, and emotional unstable. Being in a dry drunk looks different for everyone but I’ve seen what it looks like in others so I no right away when I’m in one. As soon as I start trying to white knuckle my recovery and try to control things on my own that’s when I feel the shift in my personality. It takes alot to admit it and see it but I’m glad I have that ability now. I’m grateful today.

[jvr3419]

I spent the last 2 days in the sun sitting on a beach and I feel a million times better than I did a few days ago. Sometimes I get into the f*$& it moods I call them and just feel like I’ve ruined my life in so many ways. I saw this qoute that came out of nowhere and it said, “sometimes you have to forgive yourself for the things you did well you were in survival mode”. That’s something I really have to grasp ahold of when my brain goes into the why did I gamble the way I did. Even though I’ve gone through the grief cycle of why I did what I did and accepted it there is still days I wish I had the financial security I once did so I dont have to fear how am I going to survive on my own. I’m trying the best I can that’s all I no for right now. I just have to keep repeating one day at a time to myself out loud. I can’t live in my future because that creates anxiety and I can’t live in my past because then I get depressed. I have to just keep looking at my every day to day life. I have alot to look forward to this summer. I have plans every weekend and fun adventures planned my life really isn’t that bad accept for missing someone to share it with but I’m learning to share it with platonic relationships not a partner. I wish sometimes I would of had kids to so i could watch them grow up but that wasn’t what my life had planned for me I guess. I’m just trying to keep myself as focused as I can on today and that’s the best thing I can do for myself.

[jvr3419]

I’ve felt a bit of depression the last few days creeping in. I’m trying really hard to not go into it. I’ve been doing my stepwork and made plans with friends. I’ve been doing self care and took my dog into nature for a quiet walk but I’m still feeling a bit off. My stepmom was talking to me the other night and I guess it set off my thoughts about being on my own again. I’m trying everything I can to not feel lonliness. I think it’s just one of those feelings you can’t run from. I guess the thing I have to remeber is it is just that a feeling. Eventually it goes away and I move on with my day. The important thing is that I no how to handle the difficult feelings and emotions. The old me would find something to become addicted to in order to numb out the uncomfortable vulnerability. Today I just have to allow myself to go through the waves of whatever I’m going through like “normal” people do. Being a healthy recovering addict means protecting your emotional sobriety at all costs. Once that slips its game over. That’s how I ended up gambling. So I’m just going to keep doing what I have to do for myself and get through the rough days as well as the good in the best ways I can. I’m going to keep having gratitude everyday. For today I’m happy that I finished the baseboards in my place, I’m glad for my beautiful view of the ocean, I’m happy for the weekend I’m going to have with my bestfriends.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by jvr3419.

[jvr3419]

Hi Kin I’m doing ok thanks. Been busy trying to do the last bit of work on my cottage when I get home from work. I’m so close to being fully moved in. It’s been a long road of living the way I have but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. The summers finally hit where I live so its been nice and I’m planning some nice beach trips this weekend so I can relax. I managed to put a bit more money away this week to into my savings so thats nice. I hope to have about 30k saved by the end of the summer thats my goal anyways. I’ve worked hard to put that away the last 7 months. I did decide to splurg and get a new tattoo though. It’s my therapy I usually get new ink every year but I skipped last year. It’s an expensive habit but it’s something I like so why not. Eventually I’ll run out of room lol. Now that I don’t blow my finances gambling I have the ability to do whatever I want for myself within moderation. I’m happy that I’m getting my independence back one day at a time.

[jvr3419]

Thankyou both for the bday wishes.

My ahole boss is back from his holiday so no more quiet shop to myself. He didn’t even last 2 mins of me walking through the door without tearing a strip out of me for nothing. I had one eye open still at 630 am just blankly looking at his miserable self going like ok whatever old man not into being screamed at this early. He actually through a tantrum today like a 2 year old would because our field journeyman were still messaging me for stuff. His control issues make me want to work so much harder on myself to never become that miserable in my older age. The good news for me is he’s retiring in 2 months the bad news is this job is his identity so he’s become even more controlling knowing he’s leaving a role of being in charge. He’s afraid and I can see it but he’s taking it out on me. He also doesn’t like that I’m a woman he still hates it but yet he hasn’t let me go in 4 years because when he’s in a good mood tells me I’m valuable and a hard worker. My union told me the other day that nobody can deal with him in our industry so they’re suprised I’ve lasted as long as I have. I had to take a big look at that in itself. Im so used to abuse i don’t no any different. I guess I can handle him because that’s what I’ve been around since I was a kid. It’s familiar, it’s comfortable. When people are calm I’m waiting for them to scream and yell and snap. I thrive from the chaos of his abuse which is really messed up. The difference now is I don’t react I just ignore him mostly. I used to get on my tippy toes and get face to face to him and lose it I made him cry and coware one time in 4 years because I told him he was an abusive miserable old man who’s so insecure he has to belittle others to feel superior. He snapped in the moment but the next day apologized and was crying. The biggest thing for me that I’m trying to learn is pick my battles wisely. Be more spirtual and mindful of how I handle conflicts and difficult people. But also how to stand up for myself appropriately. Being to controlling myself will only fuel and ignite fires with difficult personalities and being that I work with all males with huge tradesman egos I have to tread lightly, but I also have to be tough. I’ve had some guys tell me I get by on my looks and some tell me I get by on my strength and ability to adapt. Because I have a psychology background I feel like I’m in a constant state of psychoanalysis at work more as a form of protection in how to react or what to say at certain times. When I was gambling i only saw red because I was depressed. I couldn’t rationalize or take the time to think about why the people I was around acted the way they did. I just would lose my mind and become defensive to everything that made me feel small. Today I don’t do that I’m so thankful my addiction has been lifted so I can think and act clearer to everyday life.

[jvr3419]

Hi ashamed I’m so sorry to read that your in the pain your in. We certainly have all been there. Like rising said I think it’s really important to be honest with your family. I no the fear of losing people is a driving factor for hiding the secret. I to did for awhile to well into addiction its scarey and the guilt and shame of being a gambling addict is so friggin hard. There’s a saying I use alot with newcomers to anytype of recovery is your only as sick as your secrets. Once the can of worms is out it allows you to start healing properly. Carrying that dark burden secretively is enough to drive anyone into a nosedive of unhappiness. I have read a few stories of people who choose not to tell family and that’s purely there choice. We all have our own paths and nobody nos anyone’s situation truly from another. I just found for me I had to be rigorously honest. My family were shocked but also very supportive. My partner and I split but in my case we needed to it wasn’t a healthy relationship anyways. I get that people with children its alot tougher and nobody’s going to tell you what’s right or wrong in that case the choice is ultimately yours. Putting up blockers and banning yourself is really important to keep from gambling especially through the withdrawl faze. I seeked out a gambling/trauma counselor and started doing 12 steps again. Since then I’ve been gamblefree. It takes alot of work but we can definitely help listen to you and offer as much advice as possible that helps us you are not alone my friend.

[jvr3419]

I’ve had a pretty good few days. It was my bday on Thursday and although I spent that day alone I was ok with it. My good friend took me for dinner last night which was super sweet of her. I’ve never celebrated my bday much. There was a few years in my life that friends had little parties for me but I’ve never liked the whole celebration thing for it. This stems from my mom dying around my bday as a kid. She was supposed to have a party for me as I was a child still and she ended up passing suddenly from a drowining accident around that time. My counselor told me since I’m becoming a new me I have to try and maybe celebrate my bday now for myself at least. So going out last night and actually letting someone buy me dinner was huge for me. I never let anyone pay for my stuff. I have a hard time with that as I’ve always felt guilty if anyone does. I’m always the one that pays for everything. So this is huge progress for me. I’m trying really hard to make changes to all areas of my life so that I can have a better life and recovery. I owe it to myself to be happy. I was talking to my sister and a friend of mine from high school the last few days. Both are severe alcoholics that were drunk each time I was on the phone with them. They’re lives are so incredibly chaotic and it made me realize what I could of turned into if I didn’t quit drinking in my early 20s. The gambling was starting to take away who i was to I became way more isolated and depressed. Though I wasn’t hammered or stoned from drugs I was messed up emotionally to the core. I couldn’t even go into stores without being afraid of people. That was covid related to but I was just lost all around. I can finally go shopping now without losing my marbles with full on anxiety. It took me until recently to get to that point. I dont isolate at home much either other than resting when I get home from work during the week. I started reaching out to more of my gfs. I actually didn’t realize how many friends I had till I got single and started making the effort to see people. My relationship took alot of my spare time away so its nice to rekindle old friendships. I made a promise to myself to not let another relationship take that away from me. This weekend I found another car show to go to so I’m going to get out of my comfort zone and ask some strangers about maybe learning restoration techniques from them. That’s gonna be a tough one for me but you don’t learn or get yourself anywhere if you don’t put yourself out there either.

[jvr3419]

That’s a great idea risingphoenix it makes me want to build a mini version as a art project to keep me motivated thanks for the inspiration ?.

Yesterday I had a tough day I came home and my dog was missing. I eventually found him on a lost and found thing on fb but my heart sank as I live in the boonies with bears and cougars. I prayed harder than I ever have before to get him back and I did. My ex contacted me right away though as he was part of the fb group for lost dogs and saw he was missing. I’ve been avoiding all contact with him but my sponsor told me for me and my recovery and for his sake I have to tell him to stop texting me all the time and let me go. So I answered him regarding our dog well now my dog and then proceeded to tell him exactly how I felt and to move on. This is progress for me as I was so angry with him I wanted to never communicate to him again. I had to really talk it out with people to get to that head space and maturity to stop ignoring his messages. I feel like I have alot of growth especially in this situation. The addict/sick part of me would of been an immature ahole and just stayed bent and angry but I had to really let go of my resentment to heal properly. Resentments are the worst thing ever to have as a recovering addict because they keep you stuck and can sometimes take people back out into addiction. If .I could give myself a gold star for how I handled that I would. I’m grateful today for so much ny union handed me my journeyman ticket yesterday framed , I found my dog, i stood up for myself, my place is almost done, I get to run my shop alone this week so its quiet without a screaming old man things are good.

[jvr3419]

Hey ya thats the hardest part is trying to get past the need to soothe the emotions we feel. With time and some good recovery under your belt you’ll lose that need to seek out addictions and find solace In healthier ways. It’s good your keep writing here it shows that your willing to accept the addict part of yourself and that you do in fact need help and guidance to get through it. From what you’ve posted before it sounds like you no what you need to do its just a matter of applying those tools. You got this ?

I’m doing pretty good these last few days. I went to another awesome concert and found another car show to venture to. I have a goal one day to build my own hot rod so with time and the money I’m saving I hope to do that once my debts are paid off. I never thought I’d have the confidence to even consider doing it especially now being a single women but if anything it makes me feel a sense of independence. I’m good with metal now that I’m a journeyman( woman to be politically correct) and I grew up working on engines as a kid with my dad and brother. I still get alot of flack when I tell the guys I work with that I’m going to build an old chev from the ground up because well there’s still a stereotype and belittling. My foreman actually laughed at me today and said your lucky your pretty and a hard worker because women don’t last long in this trade. I almost kicked in him in the head for that but I didn’t feel like fighting with his condescending bs. I’m definitely learning to be more calm and not to react to things. I’m also learning to be more kind to myself and find confidence again. I’m just about at 7 months gamble free so it’s definitely paying off in alot of areas of my life being out of that hell mindset.

[jvr3419]

My friend send me this article the other day. I thought it was a good read. Might be helpful for you as well. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/lifting-the-veil-trauma/202006/why-survival-mode-isnt-the-best-way-live

[jvr3419]

Ya thats why I won’t allow anyone new into my life right now. It takes to much focus off myself. Because I’m naturally drawn to helping others I have to really force myself to stay more isolated. I do see my friends every weekend but I’m not allowing for romantic relationships. I do have someone who works for my company trying to slither there way in but he just got out of a 11 year relationship around when me and my ex stopped seeing each other again so I’m not allowing anything to occur there. I dont need another heartache from someone not ready just looking to temporary self soothe lonliness. There’s no better recipe for relapse then being super vulnerable and getting involved with the wrong romantic relationships. I feel that my recovery and healing is working because the old me would of just rushed right into the bait and took it. I hated and still do dislike being alone but I no its needed to really get myself healed properly from my addictive patterns and trauma. I’m learning to not be the person that picks up stray dogs to adopt metaphorically speaking. One day at a time

[jvr3419]

Survival mode is our trauma response its how people like us function. But it’s not exactly living either it is just that surviving. I no you mentioned not wanting to do the trauma work right now from what you’ve said in previous writings but I promise from my own experiences with healing it does help to change the way you live. It sets a part of you free from exactly what your questioning. It’s hard to change what feels normal and familiar/comfortable. I’m still in therapy because well I have alot of shit to undo and I have to force myself to unlearn my survival based behaviors so I can somewhat live a more healthy life. I guess thats why I post honestly about my progress because it gives me something to look back at and see if I need to reevaluate how I handle those situations or things occurring in my life. Recovery is a never ending growth experience. Once the addiction has been lifted then getting to the foundation and core of what put us there is nessicary to move forward in a healthy way. The hard part is life is always going to throw us curveballs and stressful stuff like money issues, shitty relationships ect. But we need to as addicts learn how to handle that stuff without going postal and distructful. I’m glad to see you posting more wishing you all the best

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