[jvr3419]

I’m super exhausted this week I’ve been having to work on a jobsite an hour away from where I live so I’m getting up at 330 every morning. I’m mustering up the energy to go to a 2 day festival in the middle of nowhere. I guess sugar free energy drinks it is lol. Better than gambling, or using substances. I don’t drink energy drinks much just when I need some life in me. Anyways im doing good and and I’m really grateful to be gamble free and living my life to its fullest.

[jvr3419]

Yea I have seen that one. Definitely would make me cry if I watched it again. I’ve been on both sides of that story through all my relationships. One addict trying to save the other. It’s a pretty good depiction of what codependency does to people.

[jvr3419]

Hi losingitslowly I’m so sorry to hear of your relapse. That’s awesome your looking into CBT thats what I’ve been doing mixed with EMDR treatments. It’s definitely saved me big time. Sometimes we have to screw up enough times to finally surrender. It took me awhile to push myself into that help to. Since I have though alot of people have noticed the change in me. And I’ve even had many friends, coworkers, and family members start seeking out therapy to seeing how’s it helped me so if anything we get to be an example to others to which is really rewarding. Wishing you all the strength you can to get through this rough patch.

[jvr3419]

Today I’m grateful for being able to help my friends thats are still struggling. Now that I have a clearer head I’m in a better place to be a sounding board to them. I’m grateful for being alone actually because it’s given me time to think about the things I want in my life and how to set healthy goals for myself. I’m grateful that I’m not consumed with thoughts of gambling or my other past addictions. Honestly since my partner and I stopped living together in February and I started doing the therapy I needed gambling hasn’t once consumed my mind. After about the 6 week mark of getting through the withdrawl stage I was doing really well in that area. I’m glad I let me ego be put aside and ask for help, and being honest with all the people in my life because I no thats whats saved me to this day from gambling. It definitely could of gotten worse than just losing money and for that I’m even more grateful right now.

[jvr3419]

I’m grateful for the beautiful walks I get to have in the morning with my dog.I’m grateful for getting to run my shop today alone so its a more calm day. I’m grateful for my good friend staying with me this weekend as its the anniversary of my mom dieing 24 years ago its usually a hard time for me so having my friend with me will help ease the sadness. I’m grateful for another day I can wake up gamblefree.

[jvr3419]

I started writing last night but felt like I was repeating myself and didn’t feel like writing something negative so I decided I’m just going to write some gratitude lists for myself in the morning for a bit on here to keep my head clear and positive. I’m grateful for my new home, I’m grateful for having a good paying job, and im grateful for my awesome friends that I have in my life. And I’m grateful for 8 months gamble free and being free 10 1/2 years from all substances.

[jvr3419]

I’m finally in my cottage permanently which is really nice. My living situation was horrible for the last year being in a rv trailer. It’s a big one so it was doable but it was not fun for alot of reasons. All I no is after the fiasco with my family and making me sell my half of the inherited home I had I will never coown a home with anyone ever again. I still miss that house everyday. But onwards I go. Unfortunately I live in the most expensive place in Canada so I definitely won’t be buying a house by myself for along time. I’m ok with that though as my last house was a fortune to run and upkeep. At least renting I can pay off my debts and continue saving money which is really important for me right now. I can’t beat where I live either I have a beautiful ocean view and 1/2 acre of private land to myself so I’m extremely thankful everyday for that. I thought I’d get emotional finally being in the cottage since it took me months to renovate and fix up but im not. At least it’s what I wanted for myself and I get a discounted rent because I did all the work. Hard work pays off and I’m so glad my addiction was not present during this time or I’d never of finished the place. Working hard on maintaining abstinence and doing the therapy I need have really helped my life improve alot. Though I might feel lonely I’m not lost anymore which is a huge difference for me. I no once I’m healed the way I should be from my past relationship and trauma work ill be able to bring someone into my life again. It’s definitely not fair to introduce someone into my life when im not fully healthy especially someone like me with alot of past addictions. I’m hoping I can force myself to be alone for a least a full year I’m at 8 months of being gamblefree so its really not that long to keep doing more work on myself.

[jvr3419]

Keep your head up DE 2 weeks is still an accomplishment. That’s 2 weeks you didn’t have to act on your addiction. I will honestly say writing here frequently or even everyday has really helped me. Though annoying as it is sometimes to repeat myself or be vulnerable writing massive paragraphs about my life. It keeps me super accountable and forces me to stay in a recovery mindset. This shit is not easy but you get what you put into it. I just got a tattoo that says just keep swimming. If you don’t no that’s a reference from finding Nemo lol. It’s the best thing I can think of to say to try and make you feel better. I’m cheering ya on you got this ?

[jvr3419]

You got it Don. The thing is to learn how to just be uncomfortable sometimes. Believe me as you seen me post I hate it to. It isn’t fun feeling vulnerable or depressed sometimes. But I can tell you soothing with any addiction only makes it 500 times worse. Learning to just sit with your feelings and let it ride out is the hardest thing to learn as someone in recovery. Everyone I’ve met from my past addictions and this current one say the same thing. The “feeling” of everything so intensely is the hardest part. It’s no wonder it’s so hard for us though because we’ve taught our brains to find solace and relief in unhealthy and destructive ways. The shitty days don’t last long but when I have them I talk about it. That’s why meetings and things like this forum are so valuable. I feel we’re only as sick as what we hold inside ourselves. The reason I had a behavior relapse in the first place was because I didn’t talk about my stuff anymore I held it in and tried to fight with it internally. I see your opening up alot more on here and that’s such a valuable thing for your recovery process. I believe you can beat this shit and you will because you have the willingness to try and do so ?

[jvr3419]

Enjoy your vacation ?

[jvr3419]

Thanks for the responses I’m glad to let my vulnerable side out and no that alot of us are in the same space together. Our brains can definitely be a rough place to be in at times. Today I had a super profound experience. My friend and I took along drive on the island to some remote beautiful spot. On my way back I came across a motorbike and a guy laying in the middle of the road. I thought the man was dead. I quickly stopped and ran to him with my anxiety on full tilt. He had fallen off was full of blood face first in the road. I have training working in Healthcare before. I got him safely off the road he was drenched in blood and semi concious. He didn’t no where he was. As I was asking him questions I did ask if he had anything to drink ect. He said not for 5 years I said so were in the same club hey. He winked at me and said I guess your my angel today. I cleaned him up and got him safe got an ambulance to come to the middle of nowhere. I quickly came out of my saddened state and felt like I had some purpose today that I was able to help this man without hesitation. I’m glad today happened to get me out of my feel sorry for myself state. Sometimes we need a good wake up call to get into the postives about life.

[jvr3419]

I want so badly to be able to write postive today but I’m just not doing well. I managed to move some more stuff in my cottage so there was something positive I did but I just wanted to sleep. I feel really low and sad. I’m struggling alot with the times that I don’t have plans with my friends. I’m someone that really struggles to be alone hence the reason I had a partner since I was a young teenager. Because my family doesn’t live where I do either I’m alone alot. I generally fill my time with seeing gfs on the weekends but nobody was free today. I have plans tomorrow which will probably cheer me up but I just feel like a loser when I’m alone. I almost signed up for dating apps to try and fill a missing void in myself but realized that’s not what I want nor do I want to meet someone like that so I quickly switched that mindset. It doesn’t help that my neighbors are having a massive wedding on the beach beside me right now so I feel even more alone and worthless. I don’t no how to get out of this mentality. I no for a fact when I started gambling it was do to the lonliness I felt in my relationship and loss of who my ex was. I don’t want to go back to numbing myself out of my lonliness with something.I’m trying really hard to fight through the feelings. I guess I just have to accept that I’m going to have these depressed days sometimes. I have to stop trying to think that everything has to be sunshine and rainbows because it just isn’t realistic.

[jvr3419]

Hi Don sounds like we have some similarities going on in our lives. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve got disappointing humans in your life to. I guess it’s an unfortunate part of life that we have to deal with. I had to let my resentment go quickly and realize that sometimes I expect people to be like myself. The fact is alot of people just have there own agendas and we can really only depend on ourselves at the end of the day. What I’ve learned this week is I have to be more vocal about what I deserve in my life. I also need to step back and look at the bigger picture that some people just don’t have the ability to see how they treat others. I feel fortunate for the growth and maturity I have Today because I’m able to see my own defects and how to correct them. It’s not my job to point other people’s out that’s on them to figure out. I just need to learn better how to not feel so offended and hurt by others. I’m proud of myself for not falling into addictive patterns anymore that’s huge. I’ve been trying to help alot of girls in recovery lately to be of service and that helps me alot to get outside of myself. I’m just going one day at a time the best I can.

[jvr3419]

Hi there just wanted to welcome you here to the forums. Sounds like your making all the nessicary steps to keep yourself gamble free. Again welcome and I hope to continue seeing your posts ?

[jvr3419]

I’m glad I had my counseling session today because I had a meltdown this morning. I bought a brand new couch and a guy I work with told me 3 times he’d help me move it into my place I gave him 2 weeks notice and kept checking to make sure. He messaged me at 4 am today to tell me can’t. I was livid and angry because I never ask for help from anyone. It just made me feel like something was wrong with me for him to just decide no and who messages someone at 4 am to say that on top of it. It triggered my insecurities big time. This guy has been overly forward in some areas with me over the last few weeks but it made zero sense to me why he’d just say no after confirming he’d help me several times. I’m not stupid I can properly figure that one out but it bothered me alot. It made me feel like I can’t trust anyone or ask anyone for help because they never come through for me. I ended up finding a solution but it’s going to cost me more but at least I figured it out. I had several things happen to set me off this week but that was just my last straw. When I walked into my counselor he told me well you didn’t gamble or use this week after all the shit thats happened to you. And hes right little shit that used to set me off and trigger me or make me upset would send me into a tailspin of depression and then I’d find relief through gambling. I’m happy I’m learning to let myself feel vulnerable and upset when I feel let down. I think it’s only natural or so my counselor told me. He said alot of the things that bother me are what trigger normal people not just someone who’s been through alot of trauma. I’m trying to learn what is so called healthy normal feelings and emotions vs what is stuff from my past. He said I’ve improved so much he doesn’t see my past come out much it’s just everyday life stressors that bother anyone. That actually made me feel like a real human for once and not like im some kind of alien or something.

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