[jvr3419]

Congratulations DE so glad to hear your doing so well ?

[jvr3419]

Thankyou all for the awesome support.

I wanted to talk about what my life’s like now and how I opened up to my new partner about what happened with my gambling. My Bf has been in recovery from other addictions so he understands what happens to the brain ect in addiction. However I had to be open to him I felt, since we now live together and he’s questioned me why I had debt and no money from my house sale. It took me a bit but I was honest with him the exact amount I lost and what led me there. My dad had told me that I didn’t need to explain to anyone again what I did or why. I just felt like my bf deserved to no if he was going to be with me since I have a big debt load weighing on me and I just felt he deserved to no the extend my addictive tendency has gone to so he can decide if he wants to be with me. As I told him I was crying and when I looked at him he was in tears with me. He said it’s only money and we make mistakes he said I’ve made tons in my life but it doesn’t define you as a person for screwing up. He told me he loved me no matter what I’ve done in my past and that we can rebuild a life and financial security again togeather. To hear someone say that was the most profound feeling ever. I tried to avoid another relationship for this reason that I was terrified and so ashamed by what I did. I didn’t ever think a man would understand what would make me loose that kind of money in a blink of an eye to gambling. I’m fortunate that I found a partner who has been through the same traumas as me and has experienced a really hard life so he understands why people do what they do. I wanted to share this to show the people here that hiding our mistakes out of shame doesn’t always have to be the way. It allowed me to feel free actually. The moment I told my family and friends in the beginning of my recovery and now sharing this with my bf and has allowed me to heal and forgive myself properly.

[jvr3419]

Thankyou happy holidays to you as well. Ive now made it 1 year as of yesterday. Feels awesome to not feel uneasy or afraid of relapse. I’m doing really well in my life. Keeping busy, working my recovery. I haven’t been in any negative head spaces for awhile so I’m feeling really good about what I’m doing.

[jvr3419]

Thanks kin for your kind words. I’m definitely making strides with connecting with healthy people. I’ve been meeting with strong recovery minded people and learning how to stay grounded. My counselor set me free about a month ago said I didn’t need his help anymore. I’ve definitely had to learn alot about how to deal with life properly since I don’t have him anymore. I’m smart enough it’s just I struggle when I feel lonely and that’s usually when I attract unhealthy people into my life. I had a brief fling after my sponsor told me not to get involved with anyone. It was a mistake and I encourage anyone to just push through the year mark that’s recommend to be alone. Theres a reason for it because we’re so vulnerable and raw in the first year of any recovery. Even though I have almost 11 years of clean and sober time I still had this gambling addiction and I needed to figure myself out in this time. I wish I didn’t let my will take over but mistakes happen now I’m forcing myself to get back on track to keep working on myself. Recovery is super hard sometimes its not smooth sailing by any means. The one thing I take from alot of old timers that talk in meetings and who I no is that it’s about repetition of the simple steps and principles. It’s not hard to follow its just a matter of putting the effort into doing the work nessicary to stay balanced and healthy. Addict brains are so stubborn in wanting to take our own wills back when life knocks us down. I no for me I have to just keep fighting that self will and letting my spirtuality take the lead it’s the only thing that’s gonna save me from my own self destructing ways.

[jvr3419]

I haven’t wrote here for awhile. I’ve been focusing on my recovery outside of the forums. I’ve been struggling with my codepency issues and wanting to help everybody lately. I’ve had to remove alot of people out of my life in the last few weeks because it was waying on my mental health. I don’t have any thoughts of acting on addictions but I get roped into being miss fix it to much which is just another addict behavior of mine. The hard part about recovery is that we’re taught to do the 12 step and try to help other addicts that still suffer. But sometimes it goes to far for me and I have to take a step back to get myself grounded again with my own spirtuality and gain back my self worth. Writing on here always helped me and trying to help the others with what advice or support I could helps but I just needed a break to get myself back into a healthy mindset. I’m doing better now with learning boundaries and how to actually stick to them. That’s the hardest part is knowing when to say no and stop trying to help people that don’t want it or get it. Us addicts are stubborn,and selfish at the best of times and we hurt people like crazy when we’re in active addiction and even sometimes in recovery if we’re not working on the emotional sobriety aspect. I have to remeber to keep practicing gratitude and hope in my life. One man shared in a meeting I was at that the opposite of addiction is connection so I’m trying to find a way to allow myself to connect to healthy recovery people now. I was so focused on helping sick people that I started pulling away from the good people in recovery that have the things I strive for in myself. I have to remeber to stay in the light and not get pulled into the dark place of dancing with the devil. That means even staying away from active addicts no matter how much I care I have to stay detached and allow people to just come to me instead of me running to then and trying to rescue them. I’m a work in progress but I’m trying one day at a time. Just passed my 11 month mark of being gamble free so I’m really grateful for that today.

[jvr3419]

Yay congratulations risingphoenix that’s so awesome ????

[jvr3419]

Hi DE I’m doing good. I’ve been doing alot of recovery work outside of this forum so I haven’t been online much. But I’m still going strong and working a strong recovery program. Doing my steps,going to meetings, connecting to my spirtuality. I’m on vacation right now.i had trouble trying to log onto here for the last week and half the site wouldn’t work for logging in so I gave up. I hate computer stuff I get frustrated with it. But I finally sat long enough to figure out what the problem was lol.

[jvr3419]

Sometimes rehab is just nessicary for people. I’ve been in recovery for along time from addictions and I’ve seen so many people try to do it alone without being removed and monitored in a controlled environment. The percent rate for successfully quitting an addiction is extremely low. It’s proven that it takes at least 30 days to remove the intense withdrawals that come from both substances and or the chemical reactions that occur from something like gambling. The longer you’ve done something the more dependable you are on that chemical change in your brain. It literally becomes out of our control. I definitely recommend rehabilitation to anyone that can and has the chance to do it. Kudos to you lavende94 that takes alot of surrender and willingness. And Don I really hope you allow yourself to do it for you as well. Your a very caring person as I’ve seen you try and support the rest of us here you deserve to look after and care for you now to ? wishing you both well on your continued journeys.

[jvr3419]

Keep it up DE glad you never gave up on coming back to the forum. I hope you got some help or advice on the mental health stuff. I’m always glad to see you keep fighting ?

[jvr3419]

I’ve reached 10 months gamble free today. I’m still trying to clean up my mess fincially from it. I have savings but refuse to put it on my debt as its all I have to survive if anything goes array in my life. I make enough to cover my payments every month but it would be nice to eliminate it quicker. I’d do a second job but the one I have takes everything out of me already. I can barely move today from taking on a huge labor intensive jobsite that I have to run right now. I still have an rv I need to fix up and sell for spring so that will help put a big chunk down. I’m just trying to fix it myself with little free time. I’m only one women but man I wish there was 10 of me to get all the things done I need to. Anyways one day at a time just keeping myself going as best I can.

[jvr3419]

Today I did a sweat lodge ceremony which is a cultural practice of mine to help heal. It’s been along time since I’ve gotten that proper medicine and it’s a huge part of helping me heal today. When I was gambling I forgot to practice my spirtuality I didn’t smudge anymore, I didn’t do sweats, or connect with nature and do the rituals and things I’ve always done. I lost my way off my red road. I forgot who I was. Now that I’ve gotten back who I really am I don’t want to lose it ever again. I refuse to sink so that means pushing through my resentments. Being able to forgive people, and make amends to people even when I don’t want to. Everyday I do an inventory and apologize to people if I’ve harmed them at all. I’m never going to be perfect that’s just a fact of life that we addicts have to take into account but I can still continue to fight and try being a better human being to the best of my ability.

[jvr3419]

My recoverys been super strong this last week. I started throwing myself back into NA and AA meetings and I continue seeing my gambling/trauma councilor every second week. I’ve been reconnecting with other recovering addicts more in person and trying to keep myself in the light and not go into the darkside. It doesn’t taken much for the addict demon to come up and grab me by the throat so I’m doing everything I can to keep that from happening. The biggest thing is allowing myself to practice my stepwork and work a proper and healthy recovery program. I also have been practicing my spirtuality alot which is helping me stay on the straight and narrow. I’ve put in a large amount of boundaries with people this last week and ive also continued to take my daily personal inventories and correct any defects of character that may come out. This is keeping me sane and away from all addictive tendencies that I have. Today im full of gratitude.

[jvr3419]

Thanks Don for comment always nice to hear from ya. And mutley im so glad to read your posts I love seeing people just let er fly like that. Writing out all those thoughts and feelings are the best way to get started with the recovery process. If your new here you actually start your own thread. We each have are own to act as a journal for ourselves so itll be good for you to start one to monitor your own progress and so people can also comment and help give you support to. If you haven’t already done so self exclusion is going to be a major part of your first step to controlling the need to go gamble. Meaning banning yourself from any casinos and online ones to. There is apps that block sites on your phone called gamban and there’s a few others you can search for its worth the few bucks. Next thing is to get support I went to a gambling/ trauma counselor and its saved my life. There’s also GA meetings which really help and if needed rehabilitation which I no nobody ever wants to do but sometimes it’s nessicary to be removed from one’s general life and enviroment to get the proper help and it eliminates everyday stresses to focus on recovery only for awhile.

As for myself I’ve thrown myself back into my meetings for all different areas of my recovery. Started a coda meeting last night so I’m feeling pretty postive right now.

[jvr3419]

Definitely gone through a wave of a million emotions this last week. From grieving and then letting go of toxic people that don’t belong in my life. I ended up going out on the weekend and went to my favorite dj to dance my pain out. I’ve mentioned before in posts that I was a dancer all my life so thats how I deal with my painful times. Unfortunately some of the places I go are dangerous areas for a recovering addict like myself because I go to raves and underground night clubs ect but I’m not tempted by substances its Unfortunately the people I meet that can be an issue sometimes. This is the next steps im going to be taking now that I’ve got the gambling, and my trauma issues out of the way. I’m going to start tackling my codependency problems which is huge for us addicts especially women like myself who’ve had a life like mine. Recovery has so many different layers to deal with and learning to navigate behaviors that can effect life long term is huge. I’ve always hated the term codependency because people are ment to help people but it gets to a point where it can make you sick and lose yourself doing it and that’s when it becomes unhealthy. Other than that I’m doing well in my work life I’ve taken on huge responsibilities now that I’m ticketed in my trade and I’ve noticed that all the guys I work with have taken me more seriously now as a journeymen. Before they had issues with me being the only women and used to knock me down because I’m not like a typical butch tradeswoman. Alot of the ones I’m friends with have said to me that I’m an issue because I’m attractive to them and a distraction lol I always say the same thing that it’s there problem because I can work just as fast and get done more than them at the best of times so if my looks are there problem then f them. Still doesn’t make sense to me but I think there just intimidated that I’m good at what I do and sometimes outshine them. Bruised egos if you will but again not my issue.Im not gonna beat myself with a shovel so that I can get respected more thats for sure. Anyways another day gamble free and substance free so it’s a good day.

[jvr3419]

Thankyou for your kind words AJ congratulations on your clean time and DE thankyou.

Today was a rough one my uncle whom I looked after for years past away. He helped raise me after my mom died and in his later years became bed ridden with dementia. I sent him into a carehome in 2020 when I became to overly burned out from the caregiving. I did all the necessary things to not run out and pick up or buy smokes or do anything addiction wise. Gambling didnt even cross my mind but cigarettes did which i havent smoked in years. I went straight to my sponsors she’s a medicine women( first nations) which is my cultural upbringing and spiritual practices so she helped use spirtual medicines to get me ready for grieving. I called as many people as i could to keep my head from spiraling out of control and luckily had already had my counseling appointment booked. So I went to him and was able to let out my emotional pain right away. I refuse to let my grief take me out. My uncle was my last ” safe” person even in his state. So I’m gonna have a rough grief period ahead but I’m holding my supports close and not putting myself into shut down mode from people. I’m good at letting people take advantage of me when I’m in these vulnerable places so I have to keep my strength up so I dont attract sick people right now into my life. So I need to stay on the ball with my recovery in every way possible right now.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by jvr3419.

[Author]

Posts