[jvr3419]

Thanks for your message DE. I actually attend AA and NA as I don’t have a GA meeting where I live. I just treat my addictions as the same at this point. A meetings a meeting to me as long as I’m sharing what’s going on in my life and watching for any addictive behavior patterns that happen to me. I did treat my gambling addiction seperate in the beginning of my recovery that’s when I sought out help from a counselor who specializes specifically with gambling. I to had struggled with alot of the literature and higher power stuff. I’m not religious at all and struggle to even walk in a church actually. But I am super spirtual I’d consider myself more like a hippie if that paints a better picture. After awhile I started seeing that a higher power wasn’t a religious thing at all it was just something that made sense to me. Back in the day when the first meetings started the literature was written from a more religious standpoint. However now adays people have evolved to have many different beliefs and spiritual practices that different greatly from one another. The majority of people I’ve met in the programs have had the same mindset. They come in as what they consider an atheist at that time I would say the same about myself. Till this day I’d still consider myself an atheist in some ways as I don’t follow religious teachings. I have nothing against them as I no it helps many people im just not someone that believes that theory thats all. So maybe this will help you to separate yourself from the words used in those meetings. It took me a few years to see that the meetings and connection to people are super important for me. I’m still greatful to this day for the members who said this very exact thing to me in the beginning. It definitely helped me to feel less defensive walking in to a meetings.

[jvr3419]

I went to a meeting this morning and was greeted by these people I’ve known for the last 12 years of my recovery. The connection and understanding of these people made me remember why I need to be apart of the programs. I get so lost in my own head sometimes and think the struggles i experience are just me. As soon as I connect with other addicts I feel so much better. Meetings are like taking the medicine we need to stay clean/sober. The complacency that can happen and does where my brain says I don’t need them happens fast. I have to fight myself everyday to stay focused in the right direction. I don’t want anything to take me back out to my addictions again no matter how hard things can get. I’ve watched several people in my life lately both relapse and become the most miserable dry drunks I’ve ever seen. Being emtionally dysregulated and pissed off all the time is not who I want to be. I no that I have to go to any length possible to keep me away from that darkplace. I drove an hour to get a meeting this morning it was worth it for me to make that effort. I drive 2 hours after work to get to a step group every week no matter how tired i am. I sacrificed my mental health and sanity in my addictions. Spending my freetime healing is more than worth the effort to not return to that life.

[jvr3419]

I’ve had a really bad day and I’m trying to keep my head above water. I’m super burnt out from work and finally managed to get a 4 day weekend. Literally 2 mins after leaving my site I was side swiped by a car running a red light. Damaged my entire back end of my car. It was drivable to a repair shop but because it’s a holiday they can’t fix it for at least a week or more. They duct taped my bumper and whatever was left of my right-side panels and told me to drive slow home lol. Now I’m stuck not able to go anywhere for a holiday so I’m super bummed and upset. My cars brand new to so its frustrating. I feel angry but it’s also out of my control so I just have to accept what happened and that it will get fixed for a 500 deductible which is better than the 5000 plus cost to repair it. These things happen in life there is no way around it. Before I would of “used” at it because of my anxiety and anger. Today I just have to feel my feelings and move on. I live beside the ocean amongst tons of hiking trails. I still have things I can do so I have to look at the positives. I have the money to fix it because I haven’t gambled in along time so I have an emergency fund. Staying grateful even when I’m upset is the best way to keep me from getting into a bad place. My addict brain can flip on a dime so I have to constantly fight myself to not switch into the Dr jeckel Mr hyde senerio. My partner had to calm me down on the phone when it first happened because my anxiety was through the roof. He heard me spiraling right away and spoke assertively to make me snap out of it. I get really dysregulated when I’m in a place of fear. Because I still have complex ptsd it can get aggrivated really fast by things like this. Even though I had therapy which helped me function way better I still have rough times. My partners now seeing the trauma therapist I had himself so he reminded me of the techniques I needed to do to get my brain to slow down and think about my next moves for the day. One thing I was taught in early recovery was the importance of sharing about how we get through the rough times. Life isn’t easy so to prevent relapse we have to have ways to cope with life stressors that set us off. I’ve definitely had alot of stressors lately. I’ve cut off toxic family members. Have had some major deaths in my family so I’m still grieving, and dealing with a partner who’s also trying to battle his own demons and recovery. I admire him though because it’s not easy to admit when you need professional help so for that im extremely grateful to.

[jvr3419]

The withdrawls are the hardest for any addiction in the first few weeks because ultimately we’re getting a constant dopamine hit from whatever we’re doing. Once you take away that source that creates that chemical we feel empty,sad, depleted, emotional, more self aware which is why the guilt and shame are so high. We have to allow are brains to create there own chemicals again. Some people get medical help at this time for this reason especially with substance related withdrawals. It’s a little different coming down off a behavior addiction but not much. Ultimately it’s a matter of forcing ourselves to withstand the discomfort. There is no shame in asking for professional help during this time either. I’m not going to promise life will 100% be better because the fact is we’re human. And many of us addicts come from extreme trauma, mental health issues and dysregulated emotional responses to life so ya its gonna suck sometimes. But one thing that gets better is our ability to function without the added stress of our addiction. The fog gets lifted the blinders are off so we cope better. Learn better ways to manage stressful life situations. And with gambling addiction recovery we have financial security again. Ultimately money is a resource for our survival if we mess with it in a way that’s destructive we aren’t respecting it the way it should be. I’ve had to teach myself to love and respect money just like I had to teach that for myself as well. Glad to see you posting ?

[jvr3419]

6 months comes fast kin the fact you have a goal is awesome. It gives us something to work toward and keep us a accountable to something.

I’ve had a rough week but I’m pushing myself through it. I decided to go and visit my sister whom I haven’t seen in 5 years. She’s a severe alcoholic but I didn’t realize she was no longer even functioning. When I showed up she wouldn’t get out of bed, her teeth were rotting like completely black, she was extremely overweight, slept one full day I was there. She eventually got up the second day I was there but she was drunk the whole time. Brought up my entire trauma past plus things I didn’t remeber. My partner came with me but he was having a hard time himself and ended up becoming triggered and aggressive towards me at the same time. When I got home I was so emotionally exhausted. I just wish I stuck to my guns to just stay away from her. I was scared she was going to die and I’d never see her again so I wanted to at least see her again in case. This was triggered by my last immediate blood family member dying a month ago. I’ve been feeling lonely and missing the family I do have. I have a step-dad and, a step brother,and sister I grew up with since I was 1 years old. They’re all active addicts. So I guess I was trying to find some family connection. When I got home I kicked my partner out again for treating me like crap. He was doing well going to 12 step meetings and talking to a friend who was training to be a counselor but he stopped after 3 weeks and his abusive behavior started again. I told him he can’t come back unless he sees a professional for real this time. I give people so many chances in my life because I want to see the good in everyone. I made mistakes had addictions, and behavior problems and have learned to be a better person so I guess I keep hoping others in my life will make that effort to. Maybe that’s an unrealistic expectation I need to stop having so i wont keep getting hurt by others. My recovery journey is definitely a painful one but I refuse to let myself get sucked back into finding relief through gambling or any other form of escape. The hardest part is just letting myself feel everything I do. I guess that’s why I have to write my feelings out in so much depth when I do. I can hold all this stuff inside or I can let it all out instead. I was gonna go to a meeting tonight but I just wanted a night to myself to recoup. Sometimes meetings are over stimulating to me when I’m feeling really triggered and low. I like that I can write stuff on here as a back up for some relief. The positive is I dont want to gamble. And one thing I need to do is say what I’m grateful for today to keep me somewhat positive. I’m grateful that I have amazing friends to spend the weekend with. I’m grateful for my dog as he helps me feel safe. And I’m grateful for my recovery and having the ability to stay strong even when I’m crumbling from the external world around me.

[jvr3419]

Hi Kin I’m doing ok. Just trying to get through some rough work days but I’m managing. I’ve managed to reach my goal for my savings so I now have enough for a down payment on a house. I like setting financial goals for mysel now. Before it was a struggle to not see money as a horrible thing after what I did gambling. But now I see it as something to be treated with respect in my life. I don’t have any desire to gamble at all. Funny as I’m writing this I’m waiting for my car to get general maintenance done, and the shops right next to a casino. I don’t feel any pull to it or any triggers from it.

[jvr3419]

Hey Kin I’m doing ok. Just working my butt off running a few jobs on my own and doing my recovery stuff. I had some issues with my partner becoming verbally abusive so I kicked him out till he works on his dry drunk behaviors. I’ve started healing big time in my codependent behaviors I don’t take any crap from anyone anymore. As soon as people start treating me disrespectfully I stand up for myself. I grew up with alot of abuse so I seem to end up with partners who are overly controlling and aggressive. My current bf has only been sober 6 months but he’s a good example of white knuckling it. I tried to get him to meetings and he went but not unless I took him. I read literature with him and even did the beginnings of stepwork with him to get used to answering questions with someone he trusted but he couldn’t shake it once it got to the look at himself stuff. He had a trauma counselor for a short stint which helped because he finally was able to tell me everything he’s gone through he never told anyone before. But I had to put my foot down now because I said I’m not going to be with another dry drunk. Every bf I’ve had is because they refused to do the work in recovery they figured being sober was enough but it’s not. That’s why I advocate so much on the importance of doing the inner work. That’s why I wrote so throughly in the beginning of my gambling recovery because I new I had to heal alot of stuff about myself. I ended up gambling because I to became a dry drunk I stopped working a program and doing steps I completely pulled away from working on what makes me an addict. The fact is I’m a person that comes from a life long history of trauma as most if not all addicts I’ve met have. The addictions themselves aren’t the problem it’s us as people,the shit between our ears. We’re psychologically wired different and that means continuous work to keep on top of that. I use my partner as an example in my writing right now because it’s a reminder to me who I don’t want to be in my recovery. I feel like I’ve woken up alot in the last year and I’m proud of that because being miserable and treating others like crap is not how I want to live.

[jvr3419]

No its not DE I’m just dumb and don’t pay attention to grammer. When I’m venting I just write I don’t think about how its coming out. I apologize I understand it drives some people crazy. My bfs like that he corrects everyone’s grammer but mine because he gets that I don’t care enough to fix it lol.

[jvr3419]

I’m not going to say I’m sorry because I no that doesn’t help and I hate the term. But I feel for you I no what it takes to get to that mental anguish. The good news is you no how to stop and you no what works to keep you from doing this behavior. As I’ve learned over the years sometimes relapses need to happen so we can learn what we have to keep doing to avoid it again. I had this behavior relapse after 9 years of solid addiction recovery, it happens! Your gonna get back up and keep going ? it’s just a minor detour. You got this rising.

[jvr3419]

This past weekend I found out my aunt(mom’s sister) passed away. She kept it a secret from me that she was doing an assisted suicide. Me and her had been in a rocky relationship for along time but she did that with everyone and pushed them away. I live on her property and she made it so nobody new she had even passed. She wrote all her kids out of her will and only let one daughter see her before she died because she wanted her to “take care of buisness”. I feel hurt, angry and every emotion you can feel. She was my last living immediate family member. She raised me after my mom passed when I was young. The last few days I’ve been pushing myself into my recovery. I’ve gone to meetings, spent time with my sponsor and other recovery friends practicing my spirtual practices. I dissociate on and off because of my complex ptsd but I’m doing better than all the other losses I’ve had. My uncle my mom’s brother who also partially raised me passed about 6 months ago to. I’ve been trying everything I can to not go into the mode where I want to escape. I ended up with a gambling addiction after losing my grandmother. I don’t want the loss of my aunt and uncle to take me out again. My partner and I drove passed a casino this afternoon on the way home from work. I was dissociative from having thoughts of grief which come and go. But I just starred at this stupid lit up sign and my brain said I don’t need that shit. I had no desire and all I literally just felt anger towards the building even existing. I no ill never have any of my addictions beat but I refuse to let anything no matter how painful take me to the place I was at when I gambled and or used substances. I no I need to just keep working a program and doing everything I’ve learned over the years to keep me from messing up.

[jvr3419]

Where I live is incredibly expensive and I’ve been feeling like I can’t get ahead. I have managed to save money but im also trying to pull myself out of the debt load I got myself in during my time gambling still.I find that I have alot of anxiety about being broke since I made the mistakes that I did. So now I’ve started putting money away to save rather than through it on my debt and just making minimal payments. It’s this psychological block I have from the guilt and shame I guess and I have to get a set number of what I need saved out of my mind so I can start paying this debt off faster. Time for me to just give myself an old mental boot and get this paid off and delt with.

[jvr3419]

Thanks kin hope your well. It’s pretty nice to look at how much hard work we put into our recovery. I’ve successfully managed to save my goal amount of money now which is a huge relief to have that again. I was always good with having savings till I gambled for those few months that ruined my life so I’m glad to be back to who I am again. Happy to be where I want to be in life right now.

[jvr3419]

Hey DE congrats on your 6 months super proud of how far ya come keep it up ?

[jvr3419]

Still gamble free and staying strong with it. I have days where I get upset at my mistakes but it’s just something that will always be in the back of my mind. My bestfriend just ended a relationship with a man whom had a gambling addiction so she was telling me his behaviors. I was able to help her understand him and show her he was still using as he tried using the excuse he’s banned himself from casinos but still plays lottery and scratches. So I explained why he was being controlling and toxic towards her as he’s still in active addiction. It’s good for me to see how easy it is for even people close to me to try and justify gambling addiction. I no that no matter what I can’t touch anything associated with it nor will I. I don’t want to end up being that miserable toxic person again and I definitely don’t want to treat people like how I see what just happend to my bestfriend. I’ve been around all types of addiction my whole life with myself, and others. I’ve seen recovery for almost every addiction both healthy, and non healthy. I no what I dont want to be like that’s all I no. I push myself as hard as I can to stay educated, grounded, spiritually aware, and personally accountable for every behavior I have. Everyday I try to see my behaviors like doing a daily inventory that 12 step groups suggests. It helps me see my defects, where I can improve, what I need to apologize for or what I need to ask for from others even if I’m being mistreated. Someone like me that struggles with severe trauma( even with healing and counseling). I can still tend to put myself into bad situations that can be unhealthy so I have to learn to respect myself. I’ve been reading tons of books and watching CPTSD healing videos left right and center to make sure that I stay on top of my mental health to. That’s the thing that sets my addiction tendencies off is when my CPTSD is getting triggered to much and I start disregulating. As exhausting and hard as it is to keep constantly looking at myself to keep my recovery up its worth it because I definitely don’t want to be who I was in addiction. That person to me is not alive its purely someone in survival mode not existing at all. Today I can say I feel alive. Not everyday is perfect by any means but I make it through without using any forms of addiction from substances to behavior related ones. The biggest thing is routine having a healthy diet, exercise, proper sleep, work/life balance, healthy relationships with others, and goals. These simple things are what keep me structured and away from my bad habits.

[jvr3419]

To this day I still have periods of anger at myself for what I did. I’ve worked tremendously on trying to forgive myself for the damage that was done. I no I’ve improved alot I have better relationships with people and healthy boundaries. I manage my finances better. I honeslty have not once though about gambling or even wanted to since I decided to quit. My problem with the addictions I’ve had through my life were like many strictly trying to soothe the mental pain I had going on between my ears. I’m not perfect I still have days where my traumas get triggered or I feel emotionally unstable at times. But I manage those days better. I haven’t used anything mind numbing or substance related for along time. I’m taking my 11 years from being substance free and I’m now a year and a bit from gambling. I even cut out sugar and coffee. Once I go all in to be healthy that becomes my obsession. I will always have this drive or focus to do something to the extreme so if that’s being the best version of myself than that’s where I put my energy. Nice to read the stories of how people are doing. Wish everyone a great day and postive recovery.

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