[jvr3419]

Hi justed wanted to congratulate you on taking your first steps to being gamble free. It’s not an easy road at all but it does get easier over time. The obsession does begin to lift and life becomes more easy to navigate. Having an addiction is an extremely distressing time but with support and understanding of why its occurring it can be removed. I hope that you keep posting and feel free to reach out anytime.

[jvr3419]

A few weekends ago I had a session with my tattoo artist. I sat for 5 1/2 hours so to take my mind off the pain I downloaded candy crush onto my phone. I’m not a gamer type, I don’t have the patience for it usually. I kept playing though for a week after. I started to see that my brain was becoming hooked on this stupid game. I even bought like 20 dollars worth of stuff on it to keep playing. I realized I had to delete it right away because it was starting to become like how I was with gambling. My obsession with winning and getting the next reward was almost instant when I started playing. They purposely designed it so you have to spend money. Luckily I caught on pretty fast to see how I was starting to act. I’m mentioning this because I could see how fast these stupid games could trigger someone to want to gamble again. I didn’t luckily feel that urge but I definitely saw the pattern of how fast that high was playing. Those games are certainly designed very similar to how online slots and stuff work. I’m not beating myself up about getting hooked on candy crush for a week because even non addicts get hooked on those games. But I’m proud of myself for quitting it as soon as I saw it was consuming me to much.

[jvr3419]

Hi Emma8 I’m glad that you decided to come back to this site. Having a relapse is super hard for us because the shame and guilt creep in. But one thing I’ve learned that sometimes it has to happen to give us a good kick in the head to show where we need to improve on ourselves. As discouraging as it is you now no you need help, you can’t just do it alone. Recovery is alot of work and its something that has to be done everyday. The reason 12 step groups work is because we are constantly reminded to stay in the solution. Unfortunately us addicts don’t have a cure for the obsessions to use whatever are addiction of choices are. We have to be reminded constantly how to keep our brain from resorting to old patterns. Sitting in meetings, talking to a sponsor,or other recovering addicts is the only thing I no that works for me. I’ve been addicted to a million things to escape from the issues in my head. I’m not saying my way is the only way but I no that it works. Therapy helps to get to the route of core problems that trigger us. However triggers, and emotional discomfort still happen even with alot of clean time. Because we’re human and shit happens new traumas or things that stress us out occur. Because we’re hard wired to avoid discomfort are brain tends to reach into quick thinking and wants to numb as quick as possible. That’s why having a routine of meetings and regular recovery helps people avoid relapse. You made the right decision writing here because your brain remembered the support helps so thats awesome. Some people don’t find there way back so you should be proud of that. I hope you keep writing, and quickly get the supports you need from counseling,meetings or whatever you no cab keep you on track.

[jvr3419]

So far this year hasn’t been exactly kind to me. I try to however see the positives or learning experience I’m supposed to take from every thing I go through though. As I’ve written about before that I am with another recovering addict. Which if anyone else has experienced can be really complicated at times. My partner did something really messed up around money that I had to kick him out for. It brought up alot of moments of when I was gambling and hiding the behaviors from my ex husband. What he did was forge a receipt that I submit to my benefits so that he could get back extra money. I didn’t notice it till I looked at it closely and it resembled the last receipt he submitted which was written in ink from the Healthcare provider. He lied and denied what he did and yelled at me till I got him calm enough to admit he did in fact forge the receipt. He’s not a gambler but he has issues around being the cheapest person alive. It’s a form of ocd and fear of spending money actually so the opposite of what us gamblers do. He will put people in harms way to not spend money and this is him getting to a severity of it that is addict behavior. I’m writing about my partner because it’s a prime example of what people can do when there not working a program of recovery. We may me abstinent from physical addictions but the behaviors of an addict can manifest in other ways like what he has done. That’s one thing alot of people in recovery don’t understand. You can take away the addiction but the mental crisis in your head is still there. That’s why recovery rates fail so fast because people will not work on that insanity in there head. The majority is from trauma, childhood conditioning, unlearned ways to deal with emotional regulating ect. To be decent humans it takes alot of work and growth to correct the stuff that makes us act in these insane ways. I’ve had 12 years of practice of messing up over and over again. How I was able to get my partner to admit what he did was I explained how I had to sit my ex down and tell him I had a gambling problem. Once I did that I got help and things started getting better in myself maybe not my external world so much but at least I’ve mentally got better. Honesty is the hardest thing to do when your filled with shame,guilt anger all those fun emotions we addicts can carry. I believe in forgiveness because ive had to give it to myself however I also have boundaries today. I won’t tolerate people that don’t try to help themselves I remove anyone that comes in contact with me that lives in a lower frequency. Because the saying you are what you hang with is vitally important for me to remeber. My partner has made alot of effort in his recovery this year but he’s obviously slipping which could cause me to do so if I allow him to continue his abusive behaviors to me. So for the time being I’ve removed him from my life I did it in a way that was loving and commpassionate and not just saying f you your a horrible human ect. I did it with self respect knowing that he has the ability to make the right choice like I’ve had to learn for myself on my own recovery journey. As I no about myself things don’t change if I don’t change. And that applies to anyone in my life that I surround myself with. I’ve been around negativity, and trauma bonded relationships my whole life that I’m learning to break that cycle for myself.

[jvr3419]

Hi fasterguitar glad you’ve joined this site. Recovery from any addiction is a very hard process so the fact that your ready to get started is a huge first step. Because your new ill explain that we make our own threads on here for ourselves. This one is mine so it works alot like a journal that people can interact with you on. You’ll have more success starting your own journal so you can write there and people can help you along your journey.

[jvr3419]

The holidays can be a huge trigger for people and it definitely is a big test for me in my recovery. The more work I’ve done on myself, the more observent I am of behaviors in others that I don’t want to be like. I spent most of my holidays with my partners family and seeing how controlling, rude, and egotistical they all were to each other made me extremely sad. I grew up with that same dynamic and it makes me sick to my stomach. I hate that humans can be so self centered. I no I had times in active addiction where my self centeredness came into play so I guess that’s why seeing the mirror of who I used to be is so upsetting to me. I can’t fallom ever wanting to go back to being that person. No amount of despair within myself makes me want to treat another human like I’m better than, or always right, or that someone else isn’t good enough. There’s this sickness in humanity that just eats at me and it’s partially why I’m so careful who I let in my life. I don’t no if it’s the world we live in now that we all are striving for some kind of sense of meaning or self actualization to an intensity that means running others over but something just feels off to me. I don’t no anyone who’s not down and out and feels depressed,anxious,or not good enough. My brain is constantly scanning the world around me which is why I tried to shut it off alot with addictions because I feel things alot, especially other people’s emotions. This I guess you can say is what happens when your not blocking yourself out with addictions or distractions. Your forced to feel every emotion, see everything around you. When we’re using distractions like being on our phones, over eating, or substances, gambling, relationships, anything really we are like a radio shut off. However when your radio attentenas sky high in the air you pick up every frequency around you it’s intense and overwhelming. But what I’m realizing is that its actually a good thing because there’s not alot of woke people anymore. There’s just alot of self centered me,me,me people walking around. If we all get lost who’s going to help others be found again is how I’m seeing it. At christmas I messaged so many people to check on them. Not one person reached out to me first. That’s how I no that the importance of me not going backwards in my recovery is crucial. There’s not enough people who live outside themselves anymore.

[jvr3419]

Hi allenmorales welcome to starting your recovery journey it’s not an easy one. The first thing I’d recommend is banning yourself from casinos both in person and online that will help remove the temptation. Put blockers on all your computer programs they’re cheap like a couple dollars a month. That’s more of a harm reduction approach to start off. Then getting help is hugely important there is gambling anonymous groups world wide and online. I personally took the approach of a gambling counselor and trauma therapist that saved my life. Addiction to anything is curable with the right mindset to do something about it. But nothing changes if nothing changes as my motto goes. Also if you choose to keep using this site we all have our own threads to. We keep ourselves accountable by each writing our journals here. This one is mine I realize I have new here as the title so for new comers it might look like a place to start posting. But there is a way for you to create your own journal that way you can post your own progress and people on here can help you through there as well.

[jvr3419]

Thanks kin. Ya its not easy to express what recovery looks like through your own eyes but I’m always hoping that my own experiences can help someone else. The thing is there is no one way to do something either. I get people’s perception that one size does not fit all because it’s true. Just because I got into programs and stuff doesn’t mean it’s the only way to heal. It’s just what’s worked for me through the last 12 years of healing from my addictive issues. I no for me that connection is key.

Last night I had my staff xmas party. It was in a pub we go to each year for it. One thing they do that irritates me is they buy a bunch of pulltabs and give them out. I was playing darts with a coworker and when I came back they had put a stack of about 10 pull tabs on my plate setting. I looked at a guy that I respected and new had kids and handed it to him and said I’m not aloud to gamble but here maybe you’ll get something for your kids. He has quit drinking but never mentioned a gambling problem at all during our time working together so I just figured he would get why I was handing them to him instead. It was an akward moment but something that I new I needed to get rid of the moment I sat down so that I wasn’t tempted. These situations happen so I had to think fast. Later that night my coworker texted me saying that they had all gone to the casino next door after to but luckily I had left early because I dont drink and people were getting stoned and drunk pretty fast. In my recovery journey I’ve learned how to just exit situations without explanation. It’s just part of the process.

[jvr3419]

Hi Kin thanks for your comment. I haven’t wrote here for a few weeks I just didn’t really have alot to say the last while. I’m coming up on my 2 years gamble free this month so thats pretty awesome. I thought this time of year would be a bit of a trigger for me because ive always had the scratches at xmas. And my families mostly deceased and the ones I do have I’ve let go of out of my life. But I’m doing ok surprisingly. I’m trying to just take one day at a time without thinking about being upset. I still have people in my life, I’m not alone. I have my partner even though he drives me mental at the best of times and,I have good friends.I still am working at paying my debts off which I can afford to do more than I do. Ive just been so preoccupied with saving instead. I’m still trying to get over my fear of being broke ever again. I’m fortunate I have a good paying job but I have to keep telling myself that I need to stop saving so much and just get my debt down. It’s definitely been a fight I’ve had all year with myself. I feel like I’ve achieved my goal now to what I want saved. I used a bit of it to go on a trip so I spent this last month replenishing what I spend. But this month and most of next year I plan on just hunkering down and paying off everything I owe. That’s hard for me to say but it’s the responsible thing to do and I no once its gone ill be able to just relax a bit.

[jvr3419]

Today was a rough day as I helped assist in a search and rescue for someone in my area. I lost my mom when I was young,she went missing before she was found deceased so it was important for me to be of service to friends of mine to find there family member. The person was found deceased today though. The hardest part for me was hearing in the briefing that the person took off because of fincial hardship. For me it was an instant trigger of emotion being someone who destroyed my life fincially speaking with this addiction. I definitely went to a place of instant guilt for how I acted or felt during the times of depression and just not wanting to be alive. The biggest lesson I took from this is how much we can effect people with the places we go over money. Nobody deserves to suffer especially family because of a mistake with finances. It’s just money and I get how important it is, but losing a life over it is not the way to go. The self centered actions of what can be done to the family and friends in your life is by far the worst thing you can do. I think I’m posting this as a message to all those out there that feel like ending things do to the fincial devastation please realize there is help out of the fincial problems. It may not always feel like it but there is and there’s help for the addiction as well. I think this addiction has one of the highest suicide rates from what I’ve witnessed and I just hope and pray that people will fight tooth and nail to get the proper help they need.

[jvr3419]

Thanks for the comments. I hope that I can help people with my stories or at least give examples to what recovery really looks like.

I just returned from a 2 week vacation I took in Hawaii. I actually went down by myself but met with a friend that lives there. I spent a few days alone which I have never done ever especially traveling. I was a bit nervous at first but gained confidence to do things without being afraid. I met some cool people just on my own so that was a huge step for me. I’m a surfer so it wasn’t hard for me to meet locals to show me some cool surf spots and I met some really cool spirtual people who were just like me and had the same values. Because I stepped out of my comfort zone I was able to have some amazing times on my own till I met my good friend down there. I was able to afford my trip because ive saved money for the last 2 years since I quit gambling. It’s amazing how much you can do when you work hard and actually save instead of blowing it on addictions. I’m proud of how far I’ve come it’s been a rough,painful,and very chaotic few years. But i’ve gained alot in a short period of time because of the hard work I’ve put into living clean the right way. I was so resistant to doing program work,or dealing with my struggles but I hit the rock bottom I needed. I watch my partner struggle daily with himself because he goes in and out of wanting to work on himself and I just seperate from his recovery because it’s not mine. The only way I learned to do the work was by falling flat on my face and picking myself up again. You can’t tell an addict what to do because we won’t listen lol we have to want to stop our behaviors addiction wis, and even the bad ones in sobriety. It is alot of surrender, and alot of letting go of control, which control is by far the greatest defect of character us addicts have. I’m grateful for every chance I have to actually live life today. I can truly say for the first time in my life I’m not just surviving anymore I’m actually living.

[jvr3419]

Last night I had a huge test occur. I flew out to visit my gf for a suprise bday get away with a group of other girls as well. These group of girls are not part of my recovery friendship group but there amazing people. They like to drink and indulge but there not people that trigger me there just fun and aurhentic. I was there designated driver since I’m sober and they decided they wanted to go to the casino. Only one of the girls nos my story with gambling but because she had wine in her she forgot. I agreed to drive them to the casino but said I’ll just wait in the car. I don’t feel triggered or anything but I piped up and said just before parking i can’t go in and explained the truth as they no im in recovery from substances that I’m a gambling addict to. Before I even managed to park they all said oh hell we don’t need to go in there lets just keep driving. I felt bad because I didn’t want to ruin there fun but they all ended up saying thankyou because none of them could afford to lose money anyways. Being able to be vulnerable in that moment was tough because I had to choose both to speak my truth and try not to feel judged. But also wanting to feel apart of at the same time. I’m thankful for my ability to have the strength to not only let people be who they are but also be able to stay true to myself. I’ve learned alot in the last 12 years that all I can do is be an example to others that you don’t need all the euphoric highs from all the temptations out there. Im still outgoing and have fun and can be apart of any social group but that’s with alot of hard work and knowing my limits. I have times where I’m not capable of being around party people but I no when i need to exit certain situations. People are gonna keep living and doing there own thing I can’t expect nor do I except others to live a clean life like myself.

[jvr3419]

I haven’t wrote here for a few weeks I’m doing good. Just keeping up with my stepgroup everywhere for my main recovery maintenence. I’ve been working alot of overtime so I haven’t had alot of free time but I’m doing well other than being exhausted from that. My bestfriend just entered a rehab facility and asked me to write a letter on how her addiction has impacted my life. It made me stop and think about how someone would write a letter to me to describe what I have done to them. Weird thing is I’m struggling to write the letter for her I don’t no why. She’s promised me for 15 years to get sober and she’s never lasted longer than 6 months shes been to 3 detoxes in the the last 8 months alone. I myself relapsed on substances once when I first tried to quit that stuff and I also relapsed 2 times when I first tried to quit gambling. So I have alot of empathy for how hard it is to try and quit addiction. I’m hoping that writing out in this journal will give me the ability to just get pen to paper on what my bestfriend needs to hear. Ive always been someone to help others and will go above and beyond to do so. But I’ve also created really tight boundaries with people especially this last year. I’ve cut out every toxic person from my life which ment my entire family and a huge chunk of my friendships. I have alot of amazing people I’ve met in my life in the last 12 years in recovery though and they’ve become my family and friends instead. My partner has done a complete 360 and is the best I’ve ever seen him because I’ve changed my behaviors. He had a relapse a few months ago now but because ive shown him how I want to be treated and respected he got the help he needed in therapy and through recovery meetings. I put healthy boundaries in place at the time and asked him to leave till he could see how his toxic behaviors harm others. I didnt let him back till he surrendered to his addiction and mental health problems. Before i would of just put up with the control and abuse out of fear of not wanting to be alone. Once he realized I no longer was that tiny and vulnerable he realized that hed lose me forever. I feel as my sponsor says that people will see the healthy change in us and hopefully that will radiate onto to them. There’s a saying that goes “you are what you hang with.” I realized especially through this last set of steps I’ve been doing. That my biggest triggers and what has caused most of my addiction issues or relapses in the past was alot to do with the people in my life. Meaning how people were treating me. I no my addiction was my problem but I used gambling, substances, and other behavior stuff to cope with my issues of pain caused by abuse that was going on to me. I now no that the only way for me to truly stay healthy and addiction free is to not allow myself to be around negative toxicity. I get nobody’s perfect nor do I expect myself or anyone else to be that way but there’s a line of what you attract and allow to enter into your own energy. I no im way to caring and have deep abandonment wounds so I will hold on for dear life to try and rescue people. But I learned the importance of what real boundaries are and how to apply that to my life. I still believe in practicing forgiveness as long as the person shows accountability because people have done that for me when I changed and made the effort. One of the biggest things I have to watch for with myself is complacency when I stop practicing what is considered my medicine that’s when my addict brain starts slipping. When I feel rage I have to smudge, practice my spirtuality, tap into recovery harder like meetings, putting that pen to paper for stepwork, talking to people and connecting. I need to let that stuff burning up inside of me out

[jvr3419]

Hi Nelyn welcome to the forums. You sound like your ready and that’s the first step to quitting any addiction. The best thing that worked for me when I started my recovery was I found a counselor that specialized in gambling addiction and trauma. I also have been involved in 12 step groups since I was younger so I had a sponsor and support from other addicts with other addictions. The connection with other like minded individuals is probably the only thing that’s ever helped me with any addiction I’ve ever had. People that understand how to fight it and what needs to be done to stay abstinent. It’s a hard road but it does start to get better I can promise that.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by jvr3419.

[jvr3419]

I’ve booked a vacation for 2 weeks in October so I’m looking forward to that. I’m going by myself to visit my friend in Hawaii. I’ve had some pretty stressful things occur in my life and I’ve been working way to much. I decided that I have the funds to treat myself so I just said I need a break from work. I have to remeber self care is an important part of my recovery so having a break from my general life and remembering to actually live life is important. I had a few instances in the last few days where I’ve lost my temper really bad. Both instances were from men who started trying to control me in a negative way. I’ve always been a very vocal women who doesn’t let people talk down to me but lately I’ve been getting more angry when they don’t stop. I have zero tolerance where I usually can just go into my analytical brain and figure out why someone’s acting that way towards me. However I’ve just reached a threshold of not taking it and instead I react to the abusive behaviors. I’ve noticed though that in both cases the people eventually apologized right away because I didn’t take they’re crap. I don’t like getting to the point where I snap though and it scares me when it happens. But what I do no is that anger like that is steming from inner triggers. Recently within the last few months I removed my dad from my life completely. He was abusive my whole life especially verbally. He is a very critical, negative person who makes you question your sense of reality alot( typical narcissistic traits). My partner has very similar qualities but has been trying to get help with it. But occasionally slips into a dry drunk state and can act aggressively. I also work in the trades so I’m around alot of unhealthy aggressive/controlling people as well. I guess im still struggling with my childhood trauma related to being controlled and treated like shit and it does effect my recovery because when my emotions get out of wack where I become angry like I have been it has potential to take me to a dark place. I recently was trying to teach my partner that anger and depression are actually repressed emotions. So what I’ve realized in the last few days by my reactions is I still try to fight myself to fully let myself feel things. I think with the amount of grief and loss and stuff I’ve endured this year I’ve just started coasting like on autopilot. And I’m a workaholic so I don’t have time to think about how I feel most of the time. I’m always trying to stay busy constantly. Emotional sobriety next to the whole abstinence aspect is definitely the most important thing to maintain. There’s a reason why recovery is alot of work because our brains can override and mess up so quick if we aren’t self aware. I’m glad I can see where I need improvement. And I’m hoping me giving myself some time off next month will help me just rest and take time to heal the things I need to in order to regain some healthy emotional sobriety.

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