[jvr3419]

Hey Scott, welcome to this site.
This is a good first step. The first thing I would do is self exclude from all the sites your using and add a gambling blocker to your device. I no theres meetings on here that you can join but GA is available all over the world to. Unfortunately where I live there isn’t meetings right now so I’ve been working with a gambling therapist and talking to people through these gambling therapy sites. The best thing you can do is start talking to people about it and start identifying your triggers.

[jvr3419]

Hey Vintagehoby glad your back on here. I wish I could say that the process doesn’t get messy like it just did for me but it’s part of the journey of healing. I’m glad that you can at least see that there is an ability to get through the tough times without needing to “use” whatever addiction it is we have to numb the feelings. I have had many addictions so I could self distruct in many different ways right now but I dont want to. I’ve worked really hard to keep myself away from gambling and substances to want to retreat to those. The partners or family/friends will need time as we cause alot of trauma to them. I’ve accepted that and thats all we can do as people in recovery. Wishing you another 24 take care ?

[jvr3419]

Still gamble free. My husband left though this morning told me he can’t trust me. He said its not over but he needs space for awhile so he’s rented an apartment. I’m definitely hating myself more and more now. I hate addiction and what it does to people. It’s ruined my life more times than I can count. All I can do is move forward and keep trying to keep myself away from toxic behaviors. I didn’t want to be woth him anymore either it was to hard for me to try and look him in the eye and not feel shame. I hope that being apart will help me deal with my own shit on my own time so I dont feel rushed through my healing process. It’ll help big time to just be alone and process trauma and everything else that comes along with getting through an addiction. I wish I could turn back the clocks and fix everything that started me down a distrustful path bit I can’t. So here’s to another day gamble free and just moving on.

[jvr3419]

I don’t no if you have it available where you live but having a counselor is a really big help. My husband is in recovery from substance abuse so when I had to tell him about my gambling problem he was pretty supportive as he understood addiction already. He was angry when I didn’t stop but at least we could communicate about it. I realize that it’s alot harder to tell someone who doesn’t get it. I’ve read people’s family stories where they’re losing there mind on how could there significant other do this to them. It’s really hard to explain that were not trying to destroy them or even ourselves for that matter its the addiction itself. I said that to my husband last night we no longer see money as money its much more than that. My counselor said he helps his patients sit down and tell the partner or family with them so its easier so sometimes that’s an option to. There is a saying though that says your only as sick as your secrets. So the longer we hide the worse it is. It’d definitely a painful process but once the wound is out in the open it will finally have the ability to heal.

[jvr3419]

Hey thanks for your message. I feel ya its a super tough process realizing the extend of our addiction. That’s why I called it the trance from hell because that’s what it feels like when your sitting there pushing the stupid button over and over and your hands getting numb. I’ve had times where the “healthy” part of me is screaming inside my head to stop. It really is like a angel and demon at war with each other. Through my other recovery journey I learned the signs of my doctor Jeckel Mr hide moments. The bad version ( or the addict verson) always comes out when I’m hiding and not getting the support I need. I sat in NA and AA rooms for Years then I pulled away especially near the beginning of covid. That’s when my bad side of myself started flourishing. I wasn’t talking anymore I was just silent and angry inside. I guess the best part is knowing we’re not alone in this journey.

[jvr3419]

I was talking to my counselor yesterday how I felt that online gambling uses hypnosis tactics. Which is pretty obvious by how the games are designed. The more time I have away from it the more I see clearly to how they trap you. My counselor told me that gambling sites actually have trained psychology professionals working for them to find different ways to hook there users. Everything I’ve figured out and see now makes me sick. I’m someone who’s always been extremely analytical to human behavior I even took courses to work in mental health and addiction but ended up steering clear as my own traumas were not fully healed yet. Now that I’m finally trying to undo those traumas I’m becoming really angry that I had this behavior relapse. I no the route what made me start gambling a few years ago and I tried to get help for it when I first noticed it by working with a psychologist whom diagnosed me with severe complex ptsd. She however was pretty dismissive of me and didn’t help me much. This was the beginning of the pandemic so I realize that everybody was on edge including someone like my psychologist. Alot of lives got thrown upside-down and the longer I wasn’t getting proper help and disconnect from people,the last few years, the more my addiction flourished. Being stuck at home depressed and swirling around with major trauma issues was the worst thing for feeding my gambling issue. I’m glad I’ve gotten more clear headed because man being stuck in the fuckin trance from hell is horrible. I felt like the only people I was connecting with were the emails between me and the casino managers that loved me spending hundreds of thousands. Of course they sent me numerous luxury items, and would give me counters to reach for my next luxury ” reward”. I even got money back constantly its fucking sick that they would one day send a message saying are you happy with the amount your gambling if your concerned there’s help. Then the next day would send me 500$ and free spins to use. Like what the hell is that. My counselor was also telling me he’d go into casinos to train the employees to recognize problem gambling and what to do about it. He said not once did he ever get to the actual ” helping techniques” as the casino higher ups didn’t give a Fuck. I’m not trying to place blame as I’m probably sounding that way I’m just feeling angry at the industry for praying on people like meself whom is clearly sick. It’s no worse than bars serving the sane customer sitting in the same chair everyday drinking there pain away I suppose. Fuck addiction its horrible. I chose to get stuck in every bad thing I’ve done to numb myself I no that but I hate that my brain decides it needs unhealthy shit to make dopamine because my own stupid brain can’t. The healing journey is such a messy process but it’s worth it I no that.

[jvr3419]

Another day down not much to say today as I don’t have time to write a novel to myself but I’m still gamble free.

[jvr3419]

Hi thanks for the responses and support. Yes I’ve put blockers up and financial arrangements with my partner. The meetings on here however run while I’m in my course so I can’t manage those but I see my gambling counselor every week right now. I dont have any thoughts of gambling. I just am feeling the general repercussions of the mess I’ve made but I’m fortunate that I had put some finances aside to keep me afloat for awhile. The debts a different story all together.I haven’t figured out how to tackle that aspect yet other than trying my best to make all my payments. Anyways I try not to overwhelm myself with that part as I’m just trying to make it to the next day without pulling my hair out. Luckily my course is keeping my brain busy. I go to college come home study and repeat. Once I go back to work next month thats when my brain will start wandering as I’ll be in a mundane routine so thats where I’ll really need to find some good coping skills and other things to fill my time. Gyms have been closed because of covid but I think they’re reopening this week. I found that working out alot helped when I was in early recovery from substances so ill have to apply that again once I’m done school. Anyways thats where I’m at today.

[jvr3419]

Day 3 post. So I’ve been reaching out to several online gambling forums but not getting any responses but thats ok I understand it’s not the same as being in person communicating with people. I am finding just writing things out so its in the open and not jn my swirling brain is helping alot. I had a stressor today bombing badly on one of my exams. I walked in with the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever had. Even though I no the stuff I was being tested on I just blanked I was staring at a blank screen. Before I new it an hour and a half was up and I’d only manged to click about 12 answers out of 25. I don’t even no how I managed that. When my class regrouped one of the guys had bombed bad to he started stressing out and then started discussing how he was going to place bets on sports. He was talking loudly how he didn’t even remember placing one he had done last night and another guy piped up and said sounds like you got a gambling problem. His reply was not if your winning lol. Man I wanted to say something so bad there but I just shut my mouth as I was in a room full of tradesmen and the last thing I needed was to cause a scene about talking about addiction. I’m in no place yet to even start doing a twelve step with someone right now im just trying to keep my own shit together. I did however feel better knowing that I probably would of run to the bathroom and played slots just like that guy was betting so I felt instant progress with myself. Just feeling my loss and bad grade and moving on with it. Water off a ducks back as the saying goes. Now I just have to figure out how to get my anxiety to screw off because it’s really affecting my everyday life right now. I try meditation, I deep breathe so much I feel like my lungs are exploding sometimes by how often I have to do it. Anyways another day down.

[jvr3419]

I’m dedicated to writing on this everyday to keep myself accountable. I’m still gamble free but I’m full of anxiety. I feel like I’m having withdrawal symptoms like I did when I used to drink and do drugs. Heart pounding constantly, uncontrollable racing thoughts. The only thing keeping me distracted is that I’m in a 6 week course to finish my 4th year apprenticeship to be ticketed in my trade. I’m one of three women out of 20 students so there’s alot of pressure to do well. I told a friend of mine the truth of how bad things got for me. Shes the wife of my hubbys bestfriend. It felt like I was doing a step 5 without evening meaning to. I’ve done tons of full sets of steps through my other addiction programs so I no what I have to do. I asked my gambling counselor about GA where I live but he said that meetings are very small and little attendance since covid so I hope I can get that support through this forum. It’s weird that I feel so uncomfortable sharing about my gambling addiction with my other support groups. I still feel alot of shame and don’t no how to get people to understand this form of behavior addiction. It’s really hard for the average person to get just how it’s possible to throw money down the drain like it’s nothing especially the amount I lost. I don’t expect others to get it as people don’t tend to understand what they dont no or have experienced themselves. I just saw this qoute that really helped me though. It says ” before you pass judgment on someone that’s self destructing, it’s important to remember they usually aren’t trying to destroy themselves. They’re trying to destroy something inside that doesn’t belong.” I don’t think I could find the words to say that any better. I have always described my previous addictions as if I was being wrapped in chains and the better I got the chains released, and my soul was free again. I now see that same occurrence again with myself my souls trapped and it needs to be released from the chains once again.

[jvr3419]

Hi I just wanted to write you as today was my first post to. I’ve been in other addiction support groups for the last 10 years and no how valuable it is to start somewhere talking with other like minded individuals. I to feel everything you do as I just recently started this journey to heal from gambling. I hope you can find some comfort knowing your not alone ive to done exactly the same things as you. The hardest part is being someone who had alot of money and now nothing to show. I’ve always had money from hard work and some help along the way and to just blow it away is devastating. One thing I was recently told though is we don’t choose to be this way addiction happens I’ve been addicted to everything under the sun and I’ve manged to dig myself out of everyone of those things now I have this one to as well. I no its possible to see a light at the end of the tunnel but right now we just need a bigger flashlight. The triggers are the hardest as I’m feeling them to hugely but as I’ve learned being sober for 10 years from substances is you gotta talk about what’s going on. That’s where I fd up with the gambling I stopped talking and hid everything I was going through and now here I am. So if you can learn from me talk and never stop talking about what eating up inside.

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