[jvr3419]

Hi carriegroner and sierra2222 welcome to this site. I’m finding its really helping me get all the shit out of my head and allowing me to just start processing why I became a gambling addict.

I had a bad session with my therapist the other day it brought up some of my worst traumas visually and I cried so hard on my way home. Not having my husband around to comfort me through the pain was even worse. I had to actually sit in it by myself and really feel it. I ended up getting out with a good friend yesterday so I was able to have someone to physically communicate everything to which was good. Being alone trying to heal is super tough but I believe is nessicary. When your in a relationship and healing your emotions are all over. The other person tends to get the repercussions of your healing. You might have angry days or days you don’t stop crying and I don’t think anyone wants to me around that shit. When I first got into NA and AA it was recommended to be single for a year for this exact reason. Not everyone is single coming into recovery but I no alot of people that seperate for awhile like how me and my husband just did. We both have so much work to do on ourselves. The more I talked things out with my friend the more I started to see how bad our relationship was. Shes my hubbys bfs wife so she knows us both well. My gambling got the worst when I sold my grandmas house last August. We had to move into an rv together because we couldn’t find a house or rental and living in small quarters just ruined us more. It just made our already shoved down problems escalate. I’ve been starting to have fear about money though. Even though I have a bit I’m used to splitting fincial stuff like bills,groceries ect with my husband so now I’m scared on how I’m going to make it alone. My course is done this week so I go back to work the following Monday. With my high interest rate debt I’m going to be sucked dry of money really fast so I’m definitely going to have to look into debt relief programs. I’ve never had to do it before and I hate that to survive I’m going to need to but it’s another repercussion of the mess I made.

[jvr3419]

You got this ?your taking all the right steps especially by coming here and letting this stuff out. Your gonna find that women again just like I’m finding myself again. Patience with the process is the hardest part but I promise this shitty part of life is going to get better. I believe it can for me so I no it can for you to.

[jvr3419]

Hey again I no exactly what you mean by the redundant feeling of reliving the trauma. Unfortunately I’ve gotten worse because it’s never been treated properly. The entering unhealthy relationships is because of your traumas probably. It was for me anyways. We unconsciously gravitate to what we no. I remeber seeing somewhere once that said in that “victim mode” I’ll express it as, is easier because its what becomes comfortable. We only no disfunction as traumatized people. The only way to end that cycle is to undo that stuff. I always prided myself on knowing I can do everything myself which is technically me just controlling everything. Because of this I just end up retraumatizing myself over and over. Hence the wonderful addiction to gambling and horrible relationships I’ve had. As someone who has been through every form of abuse or negative bs that can probably happen in your life I understand that reliving it is far from being a wonderful experience. Right now I’m doing a form of EMDR treatment. My therapist specializes in taoism based EMDR treatment so it mixed the rapid eye movement with Chinese medicine and philosophy.I had the worst session yet yesterday and it was the worst memory to want to relive. As a women yourself to you probably no what I’m talking about on which senerio you don’t want to relive the most. I haven’t met one female addict who hasn’t gone through it anyways without having to spell it out. Does it suck? oh hell yes, is it beyond painful to see again, yup, but I’m dealing with it and by bringing it forward consciously I have the ability to get it to f*ck off from destroying me with more and more with addictive behaviors. I thought my problem was grief because ive had immense loss turned out it was the abuse my body and mind held onto the most. I wouldn’t of fully known that if I didn’t start the process. I no its hard to take that first step and I wish you all the strength you can possibly retain to get through this. If I can do this so can you. Feel free to talk to me anytime if you need to I have my own “novel” posts on here under new here.

[jvr3419]

Welcome losingitslowly,

As I read your posts I recognized exactly how my brain works. I always want to no exactly why everything works the way it does. I always figured with me it’s a form of needing control and a mix of intellect I guess. Gamblers tend to be highly intelligent people were not dumb by any means.The addiction itself is what’s making you go back each time. Your brain has developed a “need” to gamble. It’s just like needing to eat we do it because we have to stay alive. You said you understand the biological effects happening. What’s happening there is like how using cocaine works. Your own brain stops being able to produce its out dopamine because we’ve been using a reward system like gambling or other stuff. We start using substances or behavior related rewards because we have a chemical imbalance, most of the time caused by some kind of psychological event thats happened in our lives. In order to truly stop you need something to reset inside of yourself. Our brains are like computers we can add and delete programs. I look at addiction as a virus that needs to be deleted. For visual representation lol if youve ever seen a virus program delete stuff you will notice how many “bugs” are found in a big list. I look at it as knocking out those program bugs one by one when getting rid of an addiction. How I have finally stopped is through getting help for my PTSD. One reason rehabs work to stop to is because your forced to be removed from your addiction and work on your stuff. I’ve personally never gone to rehab for any of my addictions but I’ve thrown myself into recovery rooms or counseling everytime I’ve had an addiction this has worked for me. Get to the route of why your brain is escaping and needing that dopamine hit thats the key. Start talking about your inner pain and releasing those “bugs”.

[jvr3419]

I just saw this IG post saying that everyday we’re presented with two choices we evolve or we repeat. So true though. My grandma was a spiritualist she raised me to see that our souls are entities that are here on earth to relearn what they did not learn and grow from in there past life. One thing that I lost immensely in the last 2 years has been my “spirtual outlet”. I was also raised with first nations culture so I have a combination of old English spiritualism and beliefs based on the creator and natural ways of living and connecting to everything in nature. I used to practice sweat ceremonies, and smudge daily, I was always surfing and hiking in nature. I’ve always been an open book person though and would take a little bit from every spirtual or religious practice that there is out there. I always could see that there was something to learn from everyone’s views on those things.The therapist I chose is actually someone who based his practice around taosim which is huge for me as I honor many of those philosophies. He smiled the first day he saw me as he recognized that I have a huge ohm symbol tattooed on my chest. I put it there so everytime I looked in the mirror it makes me see that I need to connect to my spirtual side. But the last 2 years I didn’t look in the mirror much. I didn’t like my reflection anymore so I stopped looking other than seeing an external body. I stopped looking at who I was inside because frankly that person inside has been dead. I stopped surfing, I didn’t go hiking as frequently as I used to. I stopped practicing any form of spirtual stuff. I literally just went to work, came home went on my phone and gambled or watched TV. Now mind you we were all forced to live a pretty isolated life the last 2 years but I could of done more. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and instead of soaking in the beauty it has to offer. I shackled myself to this addiction from hell. I have the most insane view where I’m living right now. Everyday now I get up and I have a huge view of open ocean with a bunch of farm animals in front of it. Mostly sheep and dogs hearding them around but it’s almost fairy tale like. Last summer I had my own private beach with a huge house now losing that wasn’t my fault. My aunt wanted her half of her inheritance so I had to give it up but something broke in me giving that home up. My entire life had been in that home. I would sit for hours in this huge art studio my grandpa build just painting away and going through all his artwork ( he died when I was born) but he was the most amazing artist. I guess you could say the moment I closed that door behind be me the grief came flying out. Now I’m feeling it alot because I stopped gambling to numb out. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again even if it is a bit more emotional and messy right now.

[jvr3419]

Thanks guys for your kind words. I hope you guys are doing well to ? Being vulnerable is the hardest part makes me feel icky lol. I’m so sorry for your loss vintagehoby. I lost my mom when I was 11 and never new my biological father so I completely understand what your talking about. My grandma raised me and I watched her die right in my hands about 4 years ago now. I literally was holding her hand when she passed. Fd me right up man. I was a careaid for 10 years and delt with hospice/palliative care all the time but she was technically my mom so it hit differently.Depression unfortunately is a huge prerequisite for addiction thats why we’re looking for that “dopamine high” unconsciously of course. It’s not like we all woke up one day and decided hey let’s make gambling our antidepressant right. I just started laughing to myself because I’m so used to being around just males now since I work in trades so I’ve learned to become more hardened since I left the healthcare field. Showing this much emotion and crying makes me feel like a wimp but I also forget sometimes that I’m still an emotionally charged female I just have some thicker skin from being broke down by my old school Foreman. You show any emotion or weakness and they will break you in half. I always hated that machoism bs and now here I am trying to convince myself it’s OK to express my feelings they literally beat the soft out of me lol.

[jvr3419]

I swear I’m going to end up having to make a book based on how much I’m writing on this platform right now lol. I have to keep venting
This stuff out in my head though because I’m royally fd up between the ears right now. I had a hard day again today I ended up walking out of my shop at my school I was making a copper project and I made a mistake and just broke down. I left the school and went to a store trying to search for a material I could use to fix my mistake but I was crying the whole time walking through the store. Lucky were still wearing masks where I live so I can somewhat hide behind it. I came home to my dog( thank God I have him or I’d be worse). And I fell to my knees on the floor crying uncontrollably my dog started licking my tears off my face ( yes I no gross but it helped me feel better). I’m trying so hard to stay positive but I’m really exhausted mentally,emotionally and everything in between. I’m in the middle of the hardest course I’ve ever been in my life. I’m being pumped full of so much information and constant tests that I’m beyond overwhelmed. My traumas are full frontal in my mind as I’m doing intense trauma healing work with my therapist. I’ve never been alone before either I’ve always lived with someone since I was young so I’m having a hard time coming home to an empty space other than my dog. I still don’t want to gamble at all because I no its not going to help me. The only thing it did was turn my brain off from everything else. All this shit I’m pouring out into these long ass posts would be bottled up and pushed back into my mind as I’d be sitting there pushing the fucking button on my phone. I still can feel how damn fast my heart would race from that dopamine hit. It actually was the same feeling I used to get when I did lines back in the day. My therapist did say to me the first day I walked into his office that I was pretty much a cokehead all over again because its the same high when I’m gambling. Talk about a good smack in the face there. Anyways I needed to write some of this out so I can be a bit more clear headed to study for yet another exam.

[jvr3419]

Im glad you have that close relationship with your family it’s important. Support is huge for us. It takes time to be honest it has for me but I’ve had alot of practice from my past endeavors admitting my wrongs to.

It definitely was hard admitting that I screwed up to my stepmom. I had told my Dad about 6 months ago I had a gambling problem and he kept it to himself I just figured he understood being an addict himself. I reworded my last post wrong when I said they didn’t no how much money I lost. That was the part I admitted the other night was that my inheritance was gone except for a small amount im living on right now. There’s alot of shame telling anyone I lost 100s of thousands and ended it debt again. God just writing that makes me want to throw up. I still can’t process how I managed to do that so fast. It’s not easy releasing this shit out at all. Telling people is the hardest part. The reactions especially from whom your spouse is will always be the worst. I’ve been in alot of addiction based relationships before and have stuck buy trying to get a few of my exes help with substance abuse. The last one I successfully quit with because we both needed help. I did leave the relationships eventually because the people were not getting help and became abusive or started using again. I honestly don’t blame my husband for leaving. He’s been sober and clean for 11 years and to watch me lie and mess up over and over with gambling was a huge trust breaker. The fact that my addiction took me to that dark of a place is scarey as fuck. Somehow during it I rationalized that it wouldn’t hurt him as it was my own money I was losing. The money I got for inheritance was supposed to buy us a new home. I ruined both our lives. This is what rock bottom looks like I literally tied my own anchors to my feet. The nice part is my family/friends/husband understand how I got to this point. They no my history and trauma so they see why I ended up this way so they no I wasn’t self destructing for no reason. I’ve been suicidal all my life to and I’d being lying if I said I didn’t think about going out the easy way so I dont have to feel the pain I’m in anymore but I’m choosing to fight my ass off to make my life into something right now. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional is the saying. I figure I only have to suffer if I continue to let myself so instead I chose HOPE which I learned in my other support groups means hold on pain ends. I’m laughing at myself writing these sayings but sometimes words are all I have to keep my head straight. Anyways on to another day. Stay positive to whoever may read this things can get better if we put the work in.

[jvr3419]

Today’s been a bit emotional for me. I’ve cried probably like 10 times which is not my MO at all. I definitely letting some shit out and its uncomfortable as all hell. My family finally knows the whole extent of my addiction as I had to explain why my husband left. I was honest about the gambling problem but not in how much money I lost. My stepmom told my dad for me as I was terrified to here his response. He texted me today telling me he’s here for me and that he understands as he’s made alot of life mistakes to. My dad’s in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse as well as a compulsive spending problem. Not gambling but he caused alot of fincial damage for him and his wife the last few years when he was depressed. I guess the apple dont fall far from the tree as the saying goes. Years ago my sister had got a huge settlement and blew all her money on drugs,booze, and not hundreds of scratch tickets that I found under her couch. My dad lost his mind on her so I was expecting that same response. I’ve always been the one that’s done well and cleaned up my partying habits in my early 20s so I felt I had been on this pedestal to everyone. My brothers an active addict to so my dad was always proud that at least one of us had our shit together or so he thought. I have an immense feeling of guilt that I blew all the hard earned sobriety time I had to this new addiction. It really sucks but all I can do is try and stay positive and keep moving forward. What’s done is done right like what else can us humans do but make a bunch of stupid mistakes and learn from them. I texted my dad back saying that if anything I’ve learned that I can never let my guard down in regards to being an addict. I’m always going to be one. But the one positive is I haven’t picked up a drink or drugs throughout this entire addiction faze I’ve been in and im proud of that.

[jvr3419]

Hi welcome to this site. I just wanted to touch base with you as someone who has had a bad relapse to. I was clean and sober from drugs and alcohol for 8 years when I fell into gambling addiction 2years ago. I’ve been around addiction my entire life and I’ve watched hundreds of people go in and out of there addictions or find other ones since I’ve been in recovery. I also took a course to be a mental health and addiction support work Years ago so I no alot about it lol. Anyways the point I’m trying to get to is relapse happens and believe me I never thought I could get hooked on something like gambling. I actually contemplated trading last year but stopped myself out of lack of knowledge. Instead I blew a shit ton of money on online slots. I totally get the shame,guilt and lost feeling that comes with it. My husband just left because he doesn’t trust me and it hurts but I needed that to open my eyes to what destruction I’ve caused. Sometimes we dont realize that even with a behavior addiction we harm others because we’re so stuck in our own little world of shit. All I can say is be patient with yourself I’ve beat myself up and still do at times but it really can’t change the past. We have to move forward and forgive ourselves and realize we’re just humans in pain that need some help and proper guidance. And of course healthy coping mechanisms in life. I hope that you keep writing on here you’ll help others sharing your story and help yourself to talking about what’s going on with people that understand.

[jvr3419]

Hi there just wanted to welcome you to this site. Your taking a huge big leap in the right direction writing on here. Im fairly new myself to gambling recovery, about a month now with complete abstinence. Writing on here frequently is really helping me
If you need any info or advice ect don’t hesitate to ask the community here.

[jvr3419]

You got this dude. You came here and wrote all that down that’s huge. I’m super proud of ya. I understand that pain believe me I have severe ptsd to its not joke thats for sure. I get what your going through that’s why the blockers on your phone and self excluding are so important right now. You can do this

[jvr3419]

I was just thinking as I was going through some stories on here of a documentary I watched on Vegas.It showed homeless people living in tunnels underneath the casinos. The majority of these people being interviewed were extremely addicted to gambling. I never once thought about the fact that I could get to that level in my life. The harsh reality is all it could take is me to screw up one more time and I could be right on the streets. If anything is a wakeup call to me it’s how fast it can take to get to that point in life. I personally refuse to let myself go out that way. I may not have hundreds of thousands in the bank anymore but I honestly don’t care. I really am just happy to finally dealing with the pain I’m in. I’ve been unhappy all my life for many reasons. Even though I’m feeling sad about my separation I’m doing ok. Today I had a random guy in my course give me a hug because he just thought I needed it. This kid is a little player yes and probably sniffed out my vulnerability a mile away but he acknowledged that I was in pain and to be honest noone has ever done that. People are so busy in there own worlds that they don’t take time to really be there for one another anymore. The kid did approach me later and said well if you want to take your mind off things I no someone. I shut that down quick but he actually was good about it and told me he actually was crying in his truck before he saw me sad in the hallway. He said I no I sleep around but deep down I just want to find the girl I want to marry so I get your pain right now. To me even though he was resorting to some sleezy methods we both were able to help each other today by just being real and vulnerable. I’m in school for sheet metal so these dudes Including myself are rough and pretty non emotional sharing people as most of us trades people are. If I was still in my addict mode I would of missed that moment with someone that probably needed it just as much as I did to be heard and acknowledged. I no this scenario has nothing to do with gambling but to me it shows improvement in my ability to be vulnerable and open with someone. That’s how I ended up in addiction again is I was closed up so damn tight with huge walls up around me that I wouldn’t allow myself to feel sad,vulnerable and or express what was going on with me. I most definitely would not hug another human i don’t no well either.Fuck knows I wanted to be this tough girl that couldn’t be broken. I am writing this stuff for myself on here so I can look back at it one day. So whomever reads my novels here I apologize but getting my thoughts out on here is what’s saving my ass right now. I hope maybe me sharing my vulnerable stories can help someone else to.

[jvr3419]

Hey Scott,

I’m happy your posting here instead of hiding it thats the best thing to do. Now your starting to recognize the unmanageable part of having the disease part of addiction. To be honest the reason I stopped was because my husband called me on it. Usually it takes a good shake or scare of losing something or someone to really snap us out if it. Not in all cases of course but it certainly helps to reset our brains to be like ok if I don’t stop now where am I going to be in the future. My stepmom told me a story of her uncle last night how he gambled away his house, his wife,his kids everything. It took him years to stop and when he finally did he ended up getting remarried and had his kids again, and he bought another home eventually. I’m in the process of trying to regain my husband’s trust thats going to take time and I’m willing to wait for him to heal from my mistakes. We have to take responsibility in what were doing and look at the harm it’s doing outside of ourselves to really get that smash in the face wake up call. Addiction stems from so many things I found right away that I was running from a traumatic or many trauma related things that started my gambling problem. Now I’m starting to feel those things and man it fucking sucks but I no that I have to fix those problems in my unconscious mind to be free from needing ” something” to stop those painful memories/ feelings ect. I truly hope you keep writing here and really try to find someone in your area you can connect with.

[jvr3419]

Hey Scott well you can start writing on here If you’d like I’m finding its helping me to just get my thoughts out in the open. As you might have noticed we each have our own posts we start on this forum. Say whatever you need to get off your chest. Nobody here will judge you as we’re all in the same place as you just trying to overcome this addiction. Alot of people also talk in meetings and or to a counselor to which I highly recommend.

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