[jvr3419]

I just saw this qoute that gut punched me so hard. It said, “my only goal is to create a life I dont have to recover from”. Sad reality for addicts is the rest of our life depends on recovery. I pushed myself away from recovery and that’s why I’m a gambling addict. There is no ” not recovery” in my life I will always have to pursue it because I’m am addict. I met with my sponsor and her husband today. They both tried to help talk me through my grief. My sponsor told me that my partner is no longer the right person for me. Shes ran into him a few times and told me he’s not the sweet man he once was she said she felt like he had a demonic presence to him for along time. I thought it was just me feeling that way but she said she felt it to. His head injury mixed with being a dry drunk changed him. My addiction to gambling started after I found out about one of my abusers harmed another girl I blamed myself for not putting him in jail. He ended up getting off his sexual assault charges. I couldn’t cope that I let this girl suffer to so I started gambling to escape and punish myself. At the same time my partner was changing he wasn’t able to help me through the pain I was feeling. When we were in Vegas where i first gambled he left me in the middle of the streets by myself for no reason. He just snapped and bolted through all the people and never came back to find me. I was terrified men kept aroaching me as I stood on the side of the street scared not knowing where I was. They treated me like a hooker as I was dressed up for an Aerosmith concert. My partners brain injury or something got set off by all the noise and people and he just lost it. He became cold,angry,distant the whole trip. I felt lonely so I’d go sit at the slots while he was up in the room. That’s when my brain triggered the escape reality response. I found something that took me away from the lonliness and sadness I felt with knowing he was no longer him anymore. Knowing where this started is the hardest part and it’s painful of all hell to realize.

[jvr3419]

Why do us addicts destroy ourselves is a good question. I keep replaying those thoughts over and over. Hiw could i have wasted 2 years of my life destroying it. I thought I had all my trauma dealt with already. I did alot of my stepwork over the years around it. However, I think all it did was bring it back into consciousness. I don’t want to relive it at all its hard and makes me feel like a defective piece of shit but I no its nessicary. My aunt is someone I don’t want to become she’s filled with repressed trauma and appears ” strong” but she’s become a horrible controlling person because of it. She’s in her 70s full of cancer and anger. Her theory has always been ” get even” with people. When I told her about getting therapy she said well if you need to psychoanalysis yourself to live then so be it but she said it with disgust and didn’t even hug me or show sympathy. I have become a bit hardened over the years and noticed I was becoming like her. I dont want to be her ever it repels humans which is probably why she’s like that. It was the reason I was or still am a bit like that. Nobody’s going to get inside and hurt me or her if we keep them away with control and a cold heart. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be like my mom she was sweet,caring,kind a little to nice but I can still be me just a bit more toned down. Men in my relationships have always sensed the sweet nature to me but have told me my hearts made of ice. I dont think I’m cold hearted necessarily just guarded. I’ll always help people through anything and put them before myself I’m definitely an empath. One of the images that appeared in my trauma session was marriage. I have always feared it and never wanted to get married ( I call my common-law husband my real husband despite us not being legally married). I also never wanted children I was afraid Id be a horrible mom because of my mental health issues. Lately I’ve been wanting both of those things. And I told my counselor that maybe I just never met the right person. My partner now or sperated partner does not want kids he’s 47 and made the choice at 40 when we met that if it wasn’t happening then he wasn’t going to be an older dad. I just accepted it and convinced myself I didn’t want to be legally married with kids because he didn’t want them. He probably would of legally married me but I always said what was the point if we didn’t have kids. Now I no it was me being guarded maybe I always sensed something that wasn’t right. I’ve been engaged 4 times and thankfully never went through with any of then because the relationships were extremely toxic. Anyways im trying to find a sense of belonging. It’s tough right now but I dont no what else to do but try and start by undoing whats kept me from reaching the better version of myself. Maybe there is better things ahead for me. I need a break from bad life experiences. I feel I deserve to have some good ones finally.

[jvr3419]

My husband messaged me asking if I needed help this weekend. I lied and said no. I truthfully just want to be away from him. He asked for a separation so I really just want that separation. I no he’s lonely and so am I but having akward and surfaced contact with each other is not good for me. Its close to vday so I no its hard for us both. Lonliness is the biggest reason alot of people relapse. But I refuse to be that statistic. Going and hitting a button on a merry go round ride that’s just going to make me feel like shit after is not worth the high for me. I don’t want it I just want to learn to actually feel the emotions I’m having so that I don’t push them down and repress them more. I’m sick of being emotionally null and void. I have to learn to feel lonely and be ok with it. I have my dog, my friends, family I can phone. I don’t need a man to fix my heart I have to do that myself. He nos that to thats why he left. My heart was already broken from all my other pain and loss. I had no ability to really ever let another human in. I feel like I surface love people but don’t truly connect with them the way I’m supposed to. Its my armor and untill that is shed I have to be alone. As Rupaul says if you can’t love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Lol I just qouted a drag queen but I love that guy he’s creative,admirable,and nos who he is. I aspire to be that person myself one day. I’m working on it one day at a time

[jvr3419]

I’m glad today is over. I can start back to a normal life routine again. I celebrated my course finish by buying myself some new tools lol. I could of bought flowers as I made this really cool copper vase while I was at school but I like shiny things more. I had a session with my counselor today I let alot of stuff out. I’m starting to notice I’m alot calmer even when I feel sad. I used to be sooooo angry all the time. I could snap in a drop of a hat but I haven’t been at all. I’m super content even though at times I feel lonely and sad, which I think is just natural especially through a breakup. I can feel my ptsd issues starting to get better. I didn’t think it was possible but this guy I have helping me is really actually helping me. I’ve had cognitive behavior therapy since I was a little girl. My mom was a psych nurse so she through me into treatment after my first stents of abuse started as a toddler. None of that shit ever helped me so I kinda wrote it off as being useless to me. I think now that I’m a more mature age of 34 (lol) I’m ready to let go of everything. I just want to be happy I never have been fully so I no this is the time. Being an addict is tough because it loves to toy with you inside but I’m going to fight that dark side of me with everything I got.

[jvr3419]

They will do anything to get you back. They sent me a 2500 dollar apple giftcard last month after I asked them to never contact me again. Block the emails by any means and make sure your self exclusions are made forever not just the 180 days that some of them do. They are literally just drug dealers thats it they no who to target and it’s gross. You can start again that’s the main thing. I tried a few times to stop before but didn’t really try that hard the first few times. I made the self exclusions but didn’t try that hard to work on the recovery part. Once I had my gambling counselor I had one relapse and that was purely because I was holding on from self excluding from one site knowing they still owed me cash and one of those stupid 15 % payouts. Going back and even looking will retrigger us to play.

[jvr3419]

I’m trying to go to sleep as I have my test for my redseal ticket in the morning. Im feeling anxious, but I’m proud because I got a high percent on my course final today so I passed my course. I dont no how I managed to pass with all the shit going on in my life but I did. My anxiety is making ny brain circle around with painful memories right now. Some kid brought up how his dad was a gunmen in the army or something and we started talking about fathers. My biological father is a murderer. I never met him I was brought up by my step-dad whom I talk about in these posts. My bio dad was a heroin addict and ended up killing someone during one of his gang related activities. I dont think about him much but every once in awhile I get this weird feeling that I need to tell someone of the loss I feel and knowing I have a murder as a father. I no people can get better and all that but I later in life found out he did some other horrible things to women. This type of stuff is what I used to avoid thinking about. I have my own traumas to deal with let alone wanting to think about what that man did to people. This is when I would usually start escaping to gamble because my brain does this shit to me it starts thinking and spiraling around. Even more so now that I’m living alone. I guess writing this shit out of my head is maybe a good way to be free of it so I can focus on my test in the morning. Anyways I haven’t gambled I chose to come here and sacrifice some internal literature for the night.

[jvr3419]

Good on ya for getting through another gamble free day.

Letting go of “controlling” situations is the hardest. I have severe control issues from how my past shaped me so I get it. When I feel a loss of control in my life or when others maybe trigger me is when I start being more controlling and I’m not a nice person when I’m like that.It’s one of the many things therapy eventually brings out of you is seeing behaviors and trying to figure out how to change them for the better. I was forced to write out behaviors years ago during a course I took. I had this one where I became obsessed with little dirt specks being on my windshield and I ended up burning out my wiperblades all the time. I didn’t consciously realize that behavior till I really looked at it. I was in an abusive relationship at the time and constantly felt threatened and attacked so I was trying to control the dumbest shit like a speck of dirt being on my window lol.

[jvr3419]

Ya because money is equal to survival. People perceive us as dangerous threats because we have the ability to make it disappear without hesitation. Sad reality once your gamble free for awhile. Anyone will react angry or discouraged if you take away from a need of theres. That’s probably why we start to feel the despair so deeply. That and the fact we have to start making our own dopamine again. That’s the hard part, some might need meds, others just push through it till the brain starts making its own naturally. That’s where it gets tricky if you have mental health issues like many of us do. Of course the trust issue being broken to is the biggest issue to whom is close to us. Most people if they love you can probably forgive the money part but the lying that’s the end all game. We lie because we no were doing wrong. We’re trying to protect ourselves from the backlash that comes with having an addiction. We’re ashamed so we try to cover up what we’re doing. The manipulation and lying to get money is the worse part. Luckily I only spent my own money but I do understand that obsession to want to find it to keep playing. I think we get angry at people’s reactions to us because it’s that fight or flight response. We feel attacked when we’re already at our lowest. We no that we’ve caused damage and have alot of shame,guilt,remorse. Being constantly reminded of it is hard when your trying to get better and do the right thing. At the end of the day were just humans that have made mistakes and we get to move on. If people in prison can be reformed and brought back into society,forgiven, and aloud to continue there lives the best they can than so can us addicts. We have done some damage but we get a second chance when we make it to the surrendered recovery stage. It’s a messy road but I no we’ll come stronger on the other side. I always say there is a light at the end of the tunnel we just need a bigger flashlight. And with the automatic negative thoughts that’s occur. I call them my “ants” I try to picture myself running around squishing red ants in my brain. I’m an artist so I like visual representations of things and sometimes that helps me visually see what’s going on between the ears.

[jvr3419]

Hey ujju197 thanks for feeling like you could get through all my words on here. I no I have alot to say lol. My sponsor kind of mentioned the same thing about what you said with treating them seperate. She was saying she doesn’t no to many gamblers in our other programs but has met the odd few. It’s definitely not talked about at all in those meetings. I accidently was in a GA meeting about 5 years ago. I remeber sitting there wondering how I accidently went to the wrong meeting. I didn’t leave though as I new that an addict is an addict so any words in that meeting could have impact. The stories weren’t entirely different other than I noticed the suicidal tendencies were talked about more intensly. The same pain and turmoil is all the same though. But they are entirely different yes in that fact that were technically more concious when gambling. I could argue that a bit though because I don’t remember the majority of the time I was gambling I was literally zoned the hell out on it. I was completely dissociated everytime. The mornings were the worst because I’d wake up not remembering what I had spent the night before. I had very brief memory of what or how much I played. I first thought I had DID( split personalities) or something because I couldn’t fathom how I could do all that damage. I was always really good with money up till the gambling problem start. I was eventually diagnosed with complex ptsd with dissociation but not with different personalities. So I was completely leaving my concious mind when gambling I guess maybe I precieved it as another trauma I dont no. Realistically it is we no its wrong, doing damage, causing harm to ourselves. I can still hear my inner voice screaming at myself to stop as I played. I even have an inner sense a humor because I’d start singing im a gambling man (but I change it to women) song inside my head as I was playing. How fucked up is that lol. Being bat shit crazy is so much fun I tell ya.

[jvr3419]

I spoke to my NA sponsor again tonight. I was feeling off because my 10 year sobriety/clean date is coming up on the 19th. I asked her if I have to restart my clean time since I ended up in another addiction. She said she feels because I didn’t use substances again that I should still technically be able to claim my 10 years of sobriety/clean time. I was happy to hear that as I worked hard to beat those addictions. Though
I have gained a gambling addiction i guess I will need to treat it separately from the substance ones. I’m glad I can say I’ve been free from gambling for 45 days now. I no that I can do this because I understand that I will never be able to control it.

[jvr3419]

I feel for you reading your story. Gambling addiction may not be harmful to our body like substances but it destroys us as human beings just as bad in my opinion. It’s unfortunate that our world revolves around money. That’s all we strive for
anymore as a species is to get that buck to survive. I don’t even think gambling/trading/investing addiction is about the money anymore if it was we wouldn’t be losing it as fast as we do thats for sure. I no for me I definitely did not care about the money it became some form of escape that I could not stop. I wish I could of just escaped in one of those fucking Farmville bs games or something. Lol I probably would of ended up buying all the stupid coins and shit to keep playing though lol. I understand your pain I have lost so much to my relapse as well. I read somewhere people says us gambling addicts are scum of the earth and all the fun label shit. They have no idea that being an addict is truly the most painful thing to live with. We don’t want to be addicts, we get sucked into this sick addiction through shitty brain chemistry/biology and trauma. We literally are just most of the time able bodied humans that are suffering internally. I hope you can be kind to yourself regardless of the damage that’s been done. I get that guilt,shame, and depression that comes with it I’m there myself. But if you can remeber your only a human that maybe was in this addiction surviving the only way you could at the time. I no it was for me. I might of ended up dead if I didn’t have an escape at the time. I was so messed up from trauma that gambling took me away from it. Was it right no but I was surviving the only way I new how in that moment. My brain was making that dopamine it needed or wanted I should say. I think when we end up at the recovery stage is when our brains finally become aware that we’re in that unhealthy survival mode to long. Maybe it’s just me trying to rationalize it but there has to be a reason some of us humans gets hooked on needing that dopamine high from substances or behavior addictions. It’s obvious we are lacking in those chemicals and are in psychological pain. I dont think were pieces of shit I just think were sick and misunderstood. I no this will never be cured but we can keep it a bay by doing the necessary work to stay away from it. Im glad you shared your story I no how hard it is. You will get your life back if you put the work into your recovery.

[jvr3419]

I understand about the physical casinos. I went in one time buy myself where I live and never went back. I felt so disgusting and uncomfortable being in there. The only other time I was is them was when I had my vacation in Vegas about 2 1/2 years ago and man that place made me paranoid as hell. I felt watched 24/7 because we are lol. Same goes to you if you need anything just ask. I no the down times are the hardest but you sound like your getting a good grasp of triggers and how to handle them. You got this? just keep posting constantly even if you gotta do it all day to stay accountable whatever works.

[jvr3419]

Great job on fighting through that alone time. That’s the hardest part is getting through the thoughts that creep it. Especially if depression, or a stressor is starting to eat you up. There’s a saying to in recovery its called HALT meaning check if your hungry,angry,tired or lonely. Those are the trigger times for people. With those emails if you scroll all the way down to the bottom in very small fine print there is an unsubscribe button from those casino sites that send those emails. My emails have become much fewer these past few months since I’ve figured out how to Unsubscribe. It’s super tiny on some of them it’s not where it typically says to unsubscribe its literally at the very bottom where nobody ever scrolls to. Lol the assholes no how to hook people in thats for sure. Wishing you a great day ?

[jvr3419]

Ya true facts there lol. Thanks for what you said about the posts and connection. I’m a pretty deep person but Im also not afraid to write. I guess that’s one thing NA and AA gave me was the ability to speak openly to other addicts. I actually phoned my NA sponsor today I asked her to do a set of steps with me again. She’s pretty good about tailoring steps to whatever your going through. I’ve probably done 20 sets with her over the years. Everything from eating disorders, to grief and my other addictions and codependency. I pushed away from her the last year alot. I’ve talked to her on the rare occasion but told her I was ashamed to admit that my addiction to gambling came back last summer. That was a huge step for me so now I’m glad to start getting my real recovery back again. I definitely recommend doing stepwork it helps me everytime I do them. I refuse to let myself end up in this situation ever again so I’m gonna take everything I no and apply it to keep myself away from gambling again. Seeking out a support system that understands is the key. My Dad wasn’t right about the thing with my husband no but he did tell me to seek out my sponsor again as he nos shes first nations and helps ground me back to my spirituality. My dad’s native to so he tries to remind me when I’m messed up to go do a sweat lodge or smudge and connect with the earth again. I’m excited for my future for the first time I see the good things that are coming from me being open and honest.

[jvr3419]

yesterday I had to see my husband for the first time since he left. As I needed some help with my trailer. It was extremely akward and I felt like strangers. I can tell he’s messed up and it broke me in half when he left to go to his own place again. My Dad phoned me to check on me as he lives in another city a plane ride away. He wanted so badly to be here to help me through this. He said when your in pain so am I. I cried alot with him and opened up alot. We’ve had a strained relationship all my life he was extremely abusive most of my life especially in my childhood. He blamed himself alot for what’s wrong with me psychologically and said he wishes he could change the past but he can’t. He said my mom would be here with me in an instant if she was alive comforting me so he feels like he should be. He said one thing to me that made me feel the most pain though. He said if my husband truly loved me he wouldn’t of left, he said regardless of what I’ve done that man should of stayed to help me through this and no that I’m trying to fight as hard as I can to beat this addiction and mental health problem. He said people who love you don’t leave you behind. I tried to rationalize in my head what he was saying. Maybe he’s just angry that he could walk away from me like that and is being protective by what he’s saying. My mom never left him through his addiction she went through hell with my dad but she never left his side. She made sure before she died that he sought treatment and got help and he did. The last thing she saw was him sober for a little over a year before she passed so she had some good times with him. I dont no if what he’s saying is right I never walked away from my partners in the past through there additions I fought like hell with them. I left those relationships because they never sought mental health help and became physically abusive thats where I drew a line. As soon as my husband asked me to get help I did. And I’ve been fighting ever since. But I always felt like he was shut off and just not present. He suffers from a severe head injury from an accident he had 4 Years ago. He’s never been the same person again. Part of why I pushed away from him alot is because he became angry alot, more impatient and frustrated by life. I think part of gambling was helping me numb out from the person he became I needed an escape from him and all the other shit that was going on in my head. I really felt like smoking yesterday I quit that years and years ago but had a small smoking lapse when my husband’s accident happened. He was trapped in a wheel chair for months and half his body was broken so it was a hard time and smoking numbed me out then. I quit after a month of starting. But yesterday I was craving it for the first time since then. My brains looking for an escape I thought about gambling to briefly as my fears of money crept in yesterday to. Luckily I just pushed through the night and didn’t give in to either craving. I have the thoughts but I don’t need to act on them. Where your sitting along with yourself its dangerous with those stupid thoughts but it’s up to me to fight through the addictive part of my brain. I’m learning healthy coping mechanisms. I turn on a meditation now, and I talk to people, or write these novels out. I get annoyed at how much I share on these posts because I struggle with letting people no me but I no this is nessicary for me get better so thats why I write so much stuff.

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