[jvr3419]

Today was an awesome day for me. I found out I passed my redseal exam so I am now a ticketed journeymen or journeywomen lol. I’m proud of myself for accomplishing what I did in the midst of overcoming this gambling addiction, doing trauma therapy,and a breakup lol at the same time. I guess I chanelled all my anger into wanting to be successful in my career. I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am I’m the only female in a company of 30 people. I was jumping up and down freaking out with excitement my foreman thought I was going nuts. But this is huge for me it’s not an easy exam the failure rate is over 50% each year so I’m happy. I’m insanely grateful today I finally have something to be proud of.

[jvr3419]

Hi just wanted to welcome you and congratulations on your first steps in your recovery. The best place to start is by self exclusion from any online gambling sites if that’s your problem area. Also start trying to find GA meetings and or look into addiction couselling,or maybe rehab if you can. I personally am using the addiction counseling route in an outpatient program but alot of people find success being removed from their environments in treatment centers. Money management by someone close to you is a good place to start to it stops you from spending your money with easy access. Gambling is so compulsive when your in the throws of the addiction that no money is safe ever. Writing on here everyday is helpful as well as it keeps us accountable.

[jvr3419]

Today I’m grateful for making some extra money to add to my savings account. It’s nice to see it growing instead of diminishing from gambling. I’m grateful for my counselor he’s really helping me find myself again. I’m grateful that I’m learning to gain my independence back and not depend on someone else I’ve grown alot more rislient in the last month since my breakup. I’m grateful that I feel peaceful and not so wound up I find nothings really bothering like it used to. People don’t set off the trigger responses where I lash out and react anymore. I’m calm and rational I don’t yell or snap at my boss while he belittles me I just give him a head nod like I heard what you said but im not giving in to the banter he wants. He likes to push me till I freak out but I’m not giving him that control anymore. Overall I’m doing good today.

[jvr3419]

Good ol 60 days today im pretty happy about that. I dont have to much to blab about but I’ll make my gratitude list for today. Today I’m grateful for my ability to talk with and help my sick aunt despite my resentments with her. I’m grateful for my job that I’ve worked hard for just got another raise so thats awesome. I’m grateful for having heat because it’s bloody cold today and I need the warmth.

[jvr3419]

I forgot to write my daily gratitude list this morning so today I’m grateful for meeting with my good friend for lunch and walking along the ocean, I’m grateful for having the ability to afford healthy groceries as I’m a vegetarian and need good produce to feel happy, I’m grateful for the beautiful sunshine that I had to walk my dog in this afternoon when I got home. I’m grateful for another day clean from gambling day 59 ?

[jvr3419]

Ya its unfortunate I new along time ago I was screwed. Every person in both sides of my blood family and my step family that i grew up with are addicts right down to my great grandparents. I had no chance lol. And with addiction comes trauma. So yes it was inevitable. I hope that at least I can be the one that has a better life and stops everything young. The substances are long gone for me so now it’s this. I was hooked on exercise badly for along time to but part of me hopes I get that one back to a manageable place so at least I’m maintaining a healthy balance. I worry that shopping could start to rear it’s ugly head so I have to stay focused that I don’t get into that. And Usually men have been my go to as well I jump into a relationship as soon as I go into a break up but this time I’m not even tempted. Codependency is the worst drug of all in my life I have to avoid men like their a plague to me right now lol. Not that hard to do though as I work with all tradesmen and I am repulsed by them now because they are no longer good looking strong men to me there pains in my ass that whine and gossip all day about each other lol. All we can do is try and push through the genetic bs we were given. Break the cycle and show its possible.

[jvr3419]

Today I was able to talk to my brother and told him my story about my addiction problems. My brother is struggling to quit drinking and doing drugs and is about to loose his wife and daughters. I begged him to look at my story and that he needs to heal his past thats keeping him stuck. He agreed with me and got of the phone. 30 minutes later he called me back and said he got his work to organize a rehab stay for him where our dad went actually. I feel so grateful that I picked up the phone to call him. I was having a hard time as I had to see my ex today and again watching him leave messed me up again. I needed my big brother he’s my protector in life and he’s been unable to be here for me due to his addictions as well. We both opened up to each other the way family should and I felt connected again for the first time in years. Maybe we can work on our sister next but for now today is a victory day in my mind. So today I’m grateful for my ability to share my healing journey with family, I’m grateful I’m going to have my brother back in my life, I’m grateful that my ex still helps me with things despite our breakup, and I’m grateful for my dog keeping me sane and healing me when I’m sad.

[jvr3419]

10 years ago today I walked into an AA meeting and never looked back. I’m proud of myself for not picking up drugs or alcohol through this behavior relapse. So part of me new that it wasn’t worth the pain I was already in. Today I had the best day I’ve had in along time. I felt insanely free, all this crap I’ve been holding inside myself is finally out. That last repressed memory I had set me free my chains are finally unlocked. I feel happy and positive. I met with friends for breakfast one of the husband’s is my ex partners bestfriend and despite his anger at me for lying to his bestfriend about gambling he was really supportive and proud of me today. He said I looked happy and healthy. I went to my bestfriends place later today to and laughed for hours on end I felt like me for the first time in 2 years. I never thought I’d feel like this again but I new something was holding me back and now it’s released. It was that easy I just had to tap in and let it out. I’m extremely grateful today and thats one thing I plan to start writing on here daily is a gratitude list. I was stuck in the pain I was trying to heal but now it’s time to move on and start looking for the positives. So today I am greatful for bestfriends, my recovery, and my ability to laugh again.

[jvr3419]

Hi cruising247 I just read your posts I can relate with the not liking being around people. I do have alot of friends and recovery based relationships but I had to work hard at them because I like to self isolate alot. When I first got into addiction recovery in my early 20s I was so hesitant to let people in. I’ve never trusted anyone however I met these girls and a women that became my sponsor and they became family to me. The reason I’m still sober from drugs and alcohol is because of these people. I had to really learn to let people in and support me so I could stop finding solace in an addiction. When I starting gambling 2 years ago is when I was struggling hard I stopped calling people but also we were forced to isolate because of covid so my support network just went out the window. I didn’t try that hard either. I pushed everyone away because I was caught in the shame cycle of gambling. I always say when I stopped talking to others is when this addiction got worse. I needed the connection from others even if I didn’t want it. I think the reason I’m staying away from gambling now is because ive pushed myself back into seeing my friends all the time now and having a counselor, and recovery people in my life again. I tried to rely on my partner to much but he wasn’t capable of giving me what I needed support wise. We now aren’t together. The hard reality is really waking up and seeing that we need connection to others in some way shape or form to stay clean. This forum is good for talking to others and getting our thoughts out to but for me i need more than this to stay away from gambling. I no that if your anything like me alot of the reclusiveness comes from going through stuff alone as a kid maybe or at times in your life and it becomes a survival technique to stay in the shell so others can’t hurt you. My solace when I was young was hiding in my dogs house outside with her. To this day I have a dog and hes the only thing that can calm me. Us humans are scarey were unpredictable and it’s hard interacting with others when we’re super fragile ourselves. One thing that we as addicts have to remember is that there is other people that are on the reciprocating end of us to. Sometimes we put on rose colored glasses and just see what’s coming at us but we have to sometimes put ourselves in others shoes to see what were dishing out or acting like towards them as well. I feel your pain alot I no what your going through I’m in the same boat these days to with wondering how could i let this happen to myself but we made a mistake and we got to forgive ourselves. Wishing you all the best today

[jvr3419]

I’m glad to hear that your willing to look at doing the inner healing you need. Gambling was really hard for me to stop. I tried so many times in the last 2 years but there was this withdrawl period that would just take over me. Its unconscious it just festers its way into your mind and the compulsion is so strong. It’s really hard to accept that even though we’re super smart people we just can’t control the urge. The longer I’ve been away from it the less urges I have. It does take till the 90 day mark to start to feel more confident in not needing it anymore and that’s common with all addictions. The brain has time to start making its own chemicals and such again. But complacency can take over really fast and bring people back into it super quick. I’m a pretty good example of what stopping working a good recovery program looks like. My 10 Years of sobriety is tomorrow. I dont want to take a cake though because I’m still trying to forgive myself for this addiction. I no once I get over that 90 day mark I’m going to feel worthy again I just need to get to that mark and I’ll feel like I’m achieving the recovery I want in my life. Right now I’m still in the middle raw stage I’m learning to make my own chemicals again and trying to find who I am again. It’s always foggy in the beginning. I went through this same experience when I got sober for the first time. Everything I’m feeling is the same. Only this time I’m digging deeper into the healing my past. The first go around I surface touched it all but now I’m getting my hands right in there. I had a repressed memory come to me today. It was the worst trauma of them all. I didn’t remeber it, today was the first day I’ve acknowledged it in my life. For some reason it chose to appear today probably because ive had time since my last counseling sessions and talking with my sponsor, and friends to move my relationship stuff to the side. Im not afraid to speak openly so im just gonna let myself write it out. So I’ve had severe assaults happen as a kid so I figured my trauma was mostly always from those circumstances,however, today just proved to me that I had something else buried really deep. I’m gonna let it out here and let myself express it because i got nothing to lose by writing it. So basically what I’m remembering is I was captured and drugged and I was tied up in an empty basement with just a mattress, i was threatened with a knife and things happened to me from a stanger i was 15 i think i dont no how long i was there i just remeber being dropped off on the side of the road somewhere. Surprisingly I’m not going off the deep end feeling depressed or mad about it. I did phone my sponsor right away as I was concerned that if I sit with it there was a possibility being home alone I’d start gambling. I haven’t thought about gambling but I no that I might have later on if I didn’t acknowledge what I just remembered. I realize that this isn’t something others want to read about but I need to have an outlet and this is it for me right this moment. I could write it in a journal maybe but my story can maybe help someone to and I hope that’s the case. I just want people to see that even though im remembering this shit I’m not gambling over it. So there is a way to get better and fight through this bs addiction.

[jvr3419]

Hi losingitslowly thanks for your message. I agree that living in the past to much is dangerous for moving into a better mindset. Unfortunately doing trauma therapy does that though it brings up everything. I may sound worse than I am in my everyday life when I post. I’m actually really positive and cheerful during the day most days. I struggle at night though because of going through the grief losing my relationship so when I write my posts its usually at night when I’m alone and feeling sad. That’s why I post though because I need to get those thoughts out at that time so I dont gamble. The reason I’m doing trauma therapy is so I dont continue gambling, having this complex ptsd label is tough because what it means is that I’ve lived in this survival mode where I’m in constant fight or flight. It’s just how my brain developed so by doing this process where I’m reliving and remember my bad past its allowing me to grieve and process those things now. Once this cycle of grief is over it no longer will be sitting in my unconscious waiting to take over. This bad dark place I’m in is only temporary. And I’m actually managing alot better than I would of before. The fact that I haven’t gambled is telling me that the process is working. Because I’m not numbing myself to what I’m feeling I’m just allowing myself to go through it. Unfortunately I have alot to process which takes time. But I have goals, I have money, I have a good career I’m doing well for the most part. I just feel and express emotions very intensly.

[jvr3419]

I just wrote out this long ass speil about how I hate money but I decided to erase it as it literally was a rant of insanity. I’m feeling angry towards the word ” money” right now. That’s just something I’m feeling I guess since I’m becoming more aware of it’s power to make me into a different person. All I no is I never want to gamble again or have anything to do with ” money” in a context that is not nessicary for me to just survive.

[jvr3419]

Day 53 gamble free. Writing everyday is hard but it’s keeping me away from the need to numb myself from my struggles. Being silent is the only thing standing in between me and placing that first bet. If I dont talk, and communicate my stuff everyday with someone or writing on here, im to liable and fragile to make a mistake again. I’m to determined to not be controlled by my inner addict. That asshole needs to stay buried. And if that means communicating my insanity to the world than so be it. It’s not going to be all sunshine and rainbows especially since I’m healing a lifetime of pain and sadness. I have to acknowledge and allow myself to feel the depression, grief, anger, happiness. Or whatever emotion or feeling decides to take presidence that day for me. The numbing out part through my addiction made it so I couldn’t feel anymore. And now I’m feeling everything all over again and super intensly. But I need to understand and give myself permission that it’s OK. Gambling will not solve anything even if I won it won’t solve anything. The only thing gambling does is turn me into a monster.

[jvr3419]

This morning I started out super positive and feeling really well. I went back to work today and it was good I kept busy. My Forman gave me the reins to take over so I was feeling confident. That is till I drove home. A flood of pain hit me the sadness was so overbearing that I contemplated driving off a bridge I was driving over. The only thing that detoured me from driving off the edge was that my dog needed me at home. I honestly convinced myself that nobody would give a shit. All people seem to care about is the fact that I no longer have 100s of thousands of dollars. Why does it matter how much money I have in my bank. That’s the question everyone always asks me. Well how much money do you have. I feel like people only care what I’m worth fincially not about me as a person. It’s a harsh reality that’s followed me around all my life. I hate how I’m feeling its a daily struggle full of ups and downs

[jvr3419]

Yes loving yourself that’s the hardest part to learn. Yesterday my sponsor held her arms out like she was going to hug me then pointed her fingers back toward herself making a heart shape. She said this is what you need to do for yourself. I’ve never made that heart shape with my arms before acknowledging it was pointing toward nyself. Though it’s just a physically expression it’s a powerful one.

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