[jvr3419]

I dont have much to say today surprisingly.Today I’m grateful for my job as it gets me up and doing something productive everyday. I’m grateful for healthy food in my fridge. And I’m grateful for another day clean and sober and gamble free.

[jvr3419]

Hi risingphoenix I’m so sorry what your going through with your fur child. I lost my older dog awhile back and till this day it still hurts so I have alot of empathy for you. Dogs are our best friends they love us no matter what we do as humans. One thing I’ve learned through this recovery journey that numbing out the pain only makes it so much worse with any situation life throws at us. You can get through this its not going to be easy but you have to let yourself go through the grieving process so you don’t get tangled into bad tendencies again believe me I have destroyed myself more times that I can count in my life trying to avoid the uncomfortable feelings with grief. You got this and you can shout me a message anytime on here if you need to vent your pain with this situation. Wishing you lots of strength to get through this difficult time

[jvr3419]

I guess im a surfer for a reason I no how to ride different waves pretty well lol. I haven’t been in the water for awhile but I held my surfboard yesterday in my storage unit and no I need to get myself out there again. This morning I woke up and smudged and did a prayer to the creator. I haven’t done that properly in along time but it cleared my mind to start the day right. I walked my dog in the peaceful quiet forest where I live. And I felt so content and grateful that I live away from the busy city. I had to go into today to the concrete jungle and I hated every moment of it. It made me appreciate the serenity of where I live even more. I had brief interaction with my ex but not long enough for me to take in his dry drunk bs I just stayed positive and happy that’s why I smudged to protect myself. He hugged me for the longest time when he left as he’s hurting pretty bad but its not my job to fix him he has to do that himself. Usually I’d be trying to show him the right path but were not on the same journey together anymore so he I’ve learned to detach and let him do his own thing. I had a brief period of sadness after talking to my friend as she took her family to the beach today. I felt sad because I’m 34 alone with no kids or husband but I just slept it off. I woke up and tried to remember that I’m extremely lucky to have this time alone to heal myself properly. As my sponsor said im just going to be a late bloomer. So today I’m grateful for practicing my spirituality today. I’m grateful for the peaceful place I live. And I’m grateful for 70 days gamble free.

[jvr3419]

Thanks for your kind words losingitslowly. I truly believe you will get through this you have the ability to and I can tell by how you write that your a strong person who has had to fight alot like I have.

Today was a good day for me even though I had some difficult emotions. I went through my storage locker with my ex and got rid of alot of stuff. When I first sold my grandmas house that I grew up in I was an absolute mess hence the gambling problems that came after it. I kept so much shit because I was grieving so hard that I didn’t want to let go of alot of things from that home. After seeing this tenants hoarding problem and my brain having some healthy clarity I new it was time for me to let go of the cluttered mess of stuff in my life. I kept some keepsakes like an antique dresser and my grandpas drafting table as I’m an artist to. But I new I didn’t need all that “stuff”. I have made it very clear to myself that I want to be as minimal as I can because I dont need alot to survive happily. I’ve managed in a trailer with barely anything for along time now so I’m quite happy without being crowded by material possessions.

Today I’m grateful that I feel alot lighter, I’m grateful for spending time with my aunt today and talking with her as she was talking about herself dying soon and I said think of me as my mom ill be with you the whole way through. My aunts been horrible to me in my life but she’s also helped me alot to especially when I was young when my mom died. She’s hard as hell but I never walk away from my family especially when it’s there time to go. I’m grateful I get to be here with her till the end like I was with my grandmother. I’m grateful that I’m not longer in my self centered addiction because I’d be sitting in my own shit feeling sorry for myself instead of being able to have the compassion I do today.

[jvr3419]

Yea don’t have much choice but to live the way I am at the moment. I tried getting into the cottage today and the guy has so much garbage I can’t even get to the front door. He’s destroyed the whole place I was in tears walking away from it as the damage is just unreal. I’m just exhausted I just want a f&$*ing break. Im trying so hard to stay positive and hope that good will come from me trying to clean up my life and be a better person. I find that I have to keep watching shows or remeber situations where people are struggling with the most painful shit imaginable to get myself to realize that things really aren’t that bad for me. I want to stay out of the poor me mentality as much as I possibly can. My aunt is sitting inside her house dying of cancer right now but she keeps pushing forward and fighting life every which way she can. She’s a messed up angry women but she doesn’t ever let herself get into the poor me mentality. I get these brief feelings of disappointment and sadness but I’m finding I can push through it and move on quicker. Today I’m grateful for having strength to get me through the hard times. I’m grateful for being able to put one foot in front of the other and just keep marching on. I’m grateful that I see value in my life today and want to continue trying my hardest to make it the best I possibly can

[jvr3419]

Today I got this super overwhelming feeling. I’m really anxious all of a sudden my life’s so up in the air right now that I literally have no idea what’s going on. I’m trying my hardest to just let the creator take the wheel since when I try to take over I tend to crash the car into the ditch lol. Being in constant chaos has become so ingrained in me that I almost anticipate some kind of bs to happen. Right now the tenant will not get the stuff out of the cabin im moving into he’s severely ill mentally and has the worst hoarding problem I’ve ever seen. There’s stuff everywhere still he was supposed to be out months ago and then finally by the 1st but still isn’t so I’ve had to cancel all my plans for moving this weekend which is really frustrating. My aunt won’t deal with him as there’s not much you can do about a tenant not being compliant. She’s left everything up to me to deal with this guy which makes it harder since I’m a threat to him taking over his place and causing him to throw away his hoarded possessions. I’m trying my hardest to have compassion and just let go and wait it out the best i can. I just really want to be settled and make a new safe place for myself. I have no water so I’m feeling pretty vulnerable. I have access to a daily shower and get pots of water but it’s not comfortable. I started to get angry at myself because if I didn’t gamble away most of my money I probably would of had my own house by now or at least still be looking for one to bid on. I can’t go back to those thoughts though because I can’t change whats happened. I really have to stay focused on the postives when life throws unknowns into the mix because that’s when depression and my addict brain wants to escape. I have zero desire to gamble I haven’t thought about it at all which is really good and shows me that my brain has become healthier and gotten out of that relentless painful experience I was in for the last few years. So today even though I’m in a bit of a F it mood I’m grateful that I’m not living on the streets. I do have a really nice trailer to live in with heat and im able to cook ect. I can still have hot showers and get water for stuff next door so I’m not screwed totally. I’m grateful that I have a good job and can afford to live well without struggling. This is why I write things I’m grateful for so that it helps me to get out of my roller-coaster brain.

[jvr3419]

Day 67. I’m grateful for another day addiction free. I thought about smoking a few times lately but I haven’t smoked in years and no that it’s just another addiction that will make me try and numb out from my uncomfortable feelings. I said that to my ex this morning as he’s battled with a smoking addiction that he has liked to hide since the day I met him. I could see him sitting there realizing for the first time that he’s never truly been away from some form of active addiction. I no for me that I want to be better mind,body,and soul so for me that means staying away from anything that will effect that flow and balance. I feel by me participating in anything harmful to myself that I will continue to not learn how to truly be a recovering addict. However I am never giving up chocolate lol. I’m not going to completely deprive myself.

[jvr3419]

Your doing awesome losingitslowly happy to see you reached 11 days.

Some things in life we just can’t control like my water tank failing. Everything has a shelf life and then we fix it or replace it the good ol circle of life lol. I was stressed because I wanted to not depend on anyone but myself. But sometimes being to self reliant can make me feel isolated to. I’ve learned to let go these days and see where the creator takes me. I was ment to get out of my trailer and spend time with my ex so we could let our resentments go. It also allowed my aunt to push her tenant to get out of the cabin im moving into he was supposed to be out a month ago. So now I can be in probably by this weekend. Im really excited to have my own space its on the ocean its insanely beautiful away from the city. It’s all farmland and animals around so it’s perfect for my dog.

I talked to me ex alot last night about my gambling problem as he mentioned alot of people tell him how the hell could I have done what I did and wasted all that money. I told him not one of my friends or family have judged me they new I was sick and in alot of pain and made a mistake. I said anyone that wants to sit and judge me for what is or is not in my bank account doesn’t give to shits about me as a person and can shove there materialistic mentality up there ass lol. I’ve always gave someone who’s trying to better themselves the benefit of the doubt and try to see what’s behind the behavior. I can take full responsibility for the hurt that it caused my ex but anyone else sitting there turning there head up at me for making a bad life decision with my own money doesn’t deserve to be in my life. To me it’s just toxic judgment and maybe it comes from a place of feeling sorry for my ex which I can also see but I can’t sit in shame for the rest of my life I have to move on. That’s the hardest part is learning to not give a shit what others think of me and just no im doing the best I can to not make the same mistakes again.

[jvr3419]

Today has been a rough one. I woke up to a flooded trailer as my water tank blew. I was extremely stressed. My ex came to help me but there was no fixing it so i have to stay with him a couple days. I was scared at first but grateful he will always be my best friend and help me despite our mental health struggles. We’re on good terms and have strong boundaries regarding where we stand and making sure we’re not pushing to get back together since we no how much work we need to do on our own selves. I’m grateful he’s still able to be here for me and vice versa. I no the value of forgiveness today and that’s a huge thing for me but also have solid boundaries and not making the same mistakes again

[jvr3419]

Today I started to have a bit of uncomfortable sadness come up briefly. I chose to stay home and try to relax a bit because I tend to keep myself way to busy where I distract myself instead of feeling or dealing with things. Seems like a common theme us addicts do lol. I still have alot of work to do on myself and my sponsor and I are doing a step 4 around my resentments especially around my relationship. I kind of been postponing it by trying to have some positive happy times but I needed to start doing the writing down about it. So today I did. I sat with all that negatively at wrote it all out so my sponsor and I can go over it next weekend. It’s a necessary process to continue healing so I’m happy I allowed myself to sit and do the work. I dont think anybody likes doing step 4s but they are the core to fixing the internal struggles from being an addict. I’m glad to rid myself of those thoughts and see how I contributed to alot of those resentments ect. So today I’m grateful for 12 step programs and having the ability to do the work involved. I’m grateful to have my own space to heal in. I’m grateful for allowing myself to truly “feel” even when it’s uncomfortable.

[jvr3419]

Today I’m grateful for the time spent with my good friend we hiked for about 3 hours it was nice to be in nature like that. I’m grateful for my awesome sponsor we talked for a few hours last night and we found a new 12 step program that encompasses our spirituality and culture so I ordered a beginner program set so we can maybe open our own meetings here so im really excited for that. My spiritual well being suffered these last 2 years and I’m really happy to be embracing it again. Feeling great and positive day 63 gamblefree

[jvr3419]

Congratulations on your 9 days?

[jvr3419]

Hi steph40 I’m sorry for your losses. That is alot to deal with when trying to stay away from gambling. I wish you all the strength during this difficult time. You can do this ?

[jvr3419]

Hey just wanted to say how awesome it is to see your progress. I to find that coming on here is really helping alot to keep me from gambling to. I hope to keep hitting the same milestones you are.

[jvr3419]

Thanks risingphoenix ?.

Today I’m grateful for another day clean from gambling and other addictions. I’m grateful for all the support I’ve had from being honest with friends and family. So far I’ve had really good support from people. Even my ex is getting better and chatting to more now that he’s had time on his own to feel his anger and resentments. He called me yesterday super excited that I past my redseal so it was nice to hear him be happy and proud of me. I’m grateful for my ability to stay busy as the lonliness I felt before has resided more.

[Author]

Posts