[jvr3419]

I have alot on my mind but I’m really exhausted and just finished my counseling session so I dont feel like writing to much today. I’m doing ok today. Looking forward to some self care for myself. Today I’m grateful for my counselor he’s really good with me. I’m grateful for another day on the jobsite as I’m getting paid to do intense exercise lol. And I’m grateful for some peace and quiet when I get home.

[jvr3419]

Today was a bit difficult my ex came and helped me for a bit and we ended up getting into the cottage I’m moving into. The tenant who’s supposed to be long gone already left the door open as requested yesterday by my uncle. The place was completely trashed inside. It’s like an episode of hoarders stuff everywhere floors are covered in garbage and black from dirt. All the appliances are destroyed and the walls are gross to. I left crying because its going to take forever to fix it which means I’m stuck in my trailer for alot longer. I have empathy in the fact the man is severely mentally ill though. I guess the positive is when it’s cleaned up it’ll be really nice with newer floors and appliances as my aunt told me it is there responsibility to deal with it. She was making me deal with it before but I guess realized that it’s not fair being that bad. I also tried talking more with my ex about getting counseling and if we were ever going to try going together but he wouldn’t acknowledge anything I said. I guess it was a good thing I tried getting it out of him because now I no I need to move on as he’s clearly made up his mind that our relationship is not worth fighting for. I can now get my head of the clouds and move on because it’s not going to work. I guess I was expecting a miracle. My counselor said to me one day that maybe my gambling was my way out of this Rollercoaster I was living in with him. Since he has a serious traumatic brain injury refusing to get proper treatment he was only going to get worse. Now I’m getting the proper help so I’ll be healthier for what comes next. I was sad at first today through all this but im feeling more excited and hopeful for what my next chapters going to look like.

Today I’m grateful for some clarity. I’m grateful I’ve learned to communicate better what I want in life. I’m grateful for the ability to quit this horrible addiction because it serves no purpose in my life. I’m grateful I’m no longer numbed out from anything and that I’m facing everything dead on.

[jvr3419]

Hey danieldrake1 glad to see your on here and starting a clean slate. You got this admitting your ready to stop is the first step and knowing you need to fix the issue at hand.

Today was super fun as I spend some time with my bestfriend. Whenever we’re together we’re like giddy little kids just making each other laugh the whole time. I’m not afraid to be immature and just forget all the struggles of life when we’re together. I’m very lucky to have her in my life. We met 10 years ago through NA and without being in the 12 step programs I would of never met her. I believe she is one of my soul mates in life not romantically just in the sense of being my person. If I would of continued gambling I might have lost her but she didn’t give up on me. She listened to me everytime I cried and everytime I couldn’t get out of bed from depression she just talked me through it and didnt try to fix me. I realize I’m not as alone as I think I have a few amazing friends that have stayed by me through this stupid behavior relapse they’ve never given up hope that I could heal from my traumas and relationship problems and the gambling. I also took the initiative to book my dog into a kennel for 4 days in April as I’m going to visit my family. We’ve made plans to go hiking up in the glaciers and maybe hit the mountains to go snowboarding as they live in the colder part of the country I live in the tropical rainforest of Canada so its a bit different in terms of climate. It’s super beautiful where they are to so I’m happy because I haven’t seen them since before covid started. Things are looking up for me and I’m starting to look forward to things and looking after myself better.

I’m really grateful for laughing alot today. I’m grateful for planning a trip. I’m grateful for the beautiful sunshine today as I spend all day in it near the ocean.

[jvr3419]

I’m exhausted today pushing myself alot at work. I’m usually a shop person so doing heavy field work and running up and down 13 flights of stairs with heavy metal material is hard on me. Probably lost 10 pounds this week alone because the elevator lift was broken. I’ve made some good plans for this weekend so itll be a nice break. I figured out how to fix my water issue finally to I have to replace a bunch of pipes myself which should be fine. That makes me feel so much more at ease that I can get some running water again till I get into my cabin. I was feeling off this week just sick of being in a trailer and wanting some space. I’m managing but it sucks sometimes I miss having friends over I have to go visit everyone. I used to have awesome fires at my house so I’m excited for when I can do that at my new place. Im glad I haven’t been gambling through this mess it would of made it alot harder for me to handle my emotional state through this whole situation. It’s been really frustrating living semi homeless for the last while not an ideal situation for anyone to be in. The shitty part is I didn’t end up in a trailer because of my gambling its just impossible to find places to live where im located. The applications are 200 plus people or more and less than 1% vacancies. I have a dog so I’m literally at the end of the line. Anyways trying to stay positive almost out of this situation. The good thing is I saved money this month not paying rent since I own my trailer. My aunt doesn’t charge me for parking it since I gave up my house for her to have money. Still working on that resentment but it’s getting better. Anyways im grateful for the weekend as I needed a break. I’m grateful for finding my water issues so I can fix them. And I’m grateful for another day gamblefree.

[jvr3419]

Wow thanks so much for this comment njp31322. That was really nice to read. I didn’t realize I came off as a positive influence at all but I really appreciate you saying that it means alot. I’m working on accepting compliments right now because I’m usually resistant to it so thankyou for being the first person for me to practice taking a good compliment from lol. This journey is definitely not an easy one for anybody to go through but I firmly believe that be have the ability to come out of this addiction better, stronger, healthier people in everyway. I’ve seen the miracles recovery can bring its just a matter of having the patience and desire to do the work nessicary.

[jvr3419]

That’s great to here libu I’m glad you chose to see a counselor. Wishing you lots of strength to get through this process of recovery.

Today I’m 80 days gamblefree I’m really happy that through all the crap going on in my life I chose to stay away from addiction and move forward in a positive direction. I’ve taken on more roles as a journeyman now so I now get to work on jobsites and run the shop for my company. The site I’m on right now has lots of other female tradeworkers so it’s nice to see. I’m usually the only girl around so it’s nice to feel a little more comfortable. I work with only men for my company and I’ve just got used to it. I find my demeanor is not as femine as it used to be and sometimes I miss the times I used to where lots of makeup and dress up. I find now I look like a bum most of the time because I’m covered in dirt and ripped up burned clothes. Since I’ve been on this new journey of healing past trauma and trying to find myself again I’ve been trying to think about how I can do better self care for myself. Since my ex and I broke up I can’t suggest nice dinner dates where I can dress up so I have to find a different outlet to try and take care of myself so I dont always look like a beat up tradesworker. I had an old woman cross the street and look down at me for being dirty wearing a hard hat on the way to my car today. I literally work my ass off everyday and I make alot of money doing it but for some reason I still get looked down on. I would think most people would be impressed that a chick can hold down a job like I have but I guess there’s alot stigma still. I just no I want to feel better mind,body,and soul. So I no that requires looking after myself externally to. I guess it’s time to trade my steel toes in for some high heels once and awhile.

Today I’m grateful for thr chance to learn more skills at work. I’m grateful for the beautiful weather today. I’m grateful for another day gamblefree and clean and sober.

[jvr3419]

Hi libu welcome to this forum. This is a good start in the right direction. I can’t tell you it’s going to be easy because it not. I’ve gone through and still am going through the mess of my mistakes,however,I’ve started to feel better about myself. It takes alot of work, alot of tears, alot of pain but it really does get better the longer your away from the addiction. Unfortunately we can’t predict or control how others will react to knowing our problem and what fincial devastation we cause. We might not be bad people and the majority of us have been through alot of painful stuff to get to this point in our lives but unfortunately any addiction hurts others close to us so there will be consequences. And that’s just something we have to face head on and learn to heal from. The most important thing is getting the help you need. I highly recommend professional help I no I couldn’t be getting through this without my counselor and people I have connections with through 12 step programs. The best thing I can say right now is to realize we’re only human and we have all made mistakes. The important thing in healing addiction is that your actually trying and willing to change that counts for something. We all have the ability to be the best version of ourselves.

[jvr3419]

I’m doing better today. I had a good session with my counselor and let out how I was feeling regarding the lonliness and my living situation. He told me he’s amazed at how I’ve coped through all the crap going on with me. Despite the negative situation He mentioned he hasn’t seen to many people be able to stay as positive as i have. I have my down times but I snap back really quick. I’m not willing to allow myself to not feel anymore but I’m also not going to sit and feel sorry for myself day in and day out. My grandma used to push me to get up and tell me to be constructive and accomplish something every day when I was young. I suffered with intense depression in my younger years when I first lived with her. She hated watching me suffer as it reminded her of my mom. My mom had severe bipolar disorder and was constantly being put in the psych ward for her episodes. My grandma refused to let me end up that way but it did happen once. I was Institutionlized at 13 for taking all my antidepressants at once. After that she literally would pull the blankets off me and push me out of my bed at hand me a broom or vacuum and say do something now. She may have been harsh but it taught me to not sit in self pitty for long. Till this day I won’t lay in bed all day I force myself to get up and do something. It helps me to keep pushing forward. I’m still learning forgiveness and acceptance with my shortcomings but that’ll happen in time. For now I’m just trying to set goals for myself.

Today I’m grateful for another day gamblefree. I’m grateful for the ability to find positivity today. I’m grateful for having kindness for myself.

[jvr3419]

Today I struggled with intense sadness since I woke up. I’ve cried about 20 times today. I was supposed to visit a friend but she cancelled last night. I try to keep my weekends busy seeing people because I get really intense depression by myself. I’ve always hated being alone that’s why I’ve always had a relationship. At first I could barely get dressed I started to feel really debilitated and started hating myself for this addiction and how its ruined my life. I got into the pitty pot really hard. But I new I had to get myself up and not stay like that. I walked my dog and pushed myself to go shopping for the week. When I got home though the feelings started again. I dont no how to not feel lonliness its super intense and painful. I guess I have to just go through it. I can’t go running to my ex as nothing good has become of it so far. I just end up feeling hurt everytime were near each other so I dont want to be near him. He told me to visit this weekend but I didn’t want to put myself through the pain of his cold demeanor it just makes it worse for me. I rather struggle through today in my difficult feelings. I guess I haven’t reached the part when your single and happy being alone yet. Hopefully soon I’ll learn to be happy on my own. I’m definitely trying my hardest but my emotions and feelings have a mind of there own. Things are starting to open up more where I live so I can hopefully start some hobbies. I want to take a deep sea diving course to get certified so thats a goal of mine. And the gyms just lifted the mask mandate yesterday so nows the time to go back training. There’s alot I can do where I live I just have to learn to be ok doing things alone which I’m got no choice but to be ok with.

Today I’m grateful for pushing myself despite how I feel. I’m grateful for my dog as he keeps me company when I’m struggling. I’m grateful for another day free from addictions

[jvr3419]

I’m the type of person who will research something to death till I understand it to the core. Since my gambling addiction started in 2020 I have watched hundreds of videos and read every article my brain could absorb on gambling addiction. The more I understand it the more I feel I’m able to stay away from it. However the hard part for me though is I’m still fighting with the consequences of it. No matter what I do people keep reminding me that I lost all that money. It’s frustrating when your trying to recover from any addiction and people constantly throw it in your face. When I quit drinking and doing drugs nobody asked how many beer I drank or how many joints I smoked or how many lines I did. But for some reason I get the same shit from people how much money do you have left everyday. Gambling is by far the worst addiction in my experience for judgement. I have to constantly remind myself I’m doing the best I can and that I can’t change the fincial losses. I keep telling people that question my finances that its literally just paper. I didn’t throw away a human being over a bridge I gambled paper made from a f$&*ing tree. It was my money I didn’t steal it or get it in some sleezy way it was my own personal finances. The only person effected by my financial decision was my ex since hes broke and my money was all we had together. Other than him its really nobody elses problem. I dont have the mental ability to continue letting the loss consume me. Im trying to move on but societies pressures to be measured by what successes you have fincially are tearing apart my brain because of others constant criticism. I really hope my therapy will help me fully heal from caring what others think of me because it’s driving me crazy inside. I stay grounded really well for the most part but I definitely get triggered by the constant questions about my money situation. Maybe I should start asking everyone else how much money they got in there bank account and see how they feel being asked that constantly. I really don’t no what to do about it other than vent it out and move on from the negative judgements. Nobody wants to be an addict or in the amount of pain we’re in to sink to the depths of the addiction. The fact the were trying to heal and be better is what’s important.

Today I’m grateful for spending time with my bestfriend. I’m grateful for the awesome cupcakes I treated myself to. I’m grateful for the beautiful ocean I live next to as it helps me clear my mind.

[jvr3419]

Hi losing in slowly I feel alot of empathy for what your going through. I remember those times of feeling angry when I would have a lapse. The expression hunk of crap really resignated with me because that’s what I used as an expression in my first treatments with my counselor. Basically with the type of therapy I’m doing is you visualize an image and do this rapid eye movement throughout your brain then you do it with all your organs its part of a Chinese medicine approach to EMDR treatments. But the very first thing I said is I just have all this crap in my head there’s so much of it. So we started with a visual of the statement and ran it throughout my system and that opened the flood gates to the rest of my trauma stuff over time. It really is just alot of crap floating around inside when being trapped in an addiction cycle. I remeber my counselor saying to me for the first while is that while your in your addiction cycle you can’t believe or pay attention to anything you say or do because your not right in the head till you have some proper clarity away from the addiction. Hence that brain fog feeling. What made me stop for good in the beginning is I locked away all my electronic devices at night when I was bored or alone. Opening the cupboard I put then in was a reminder to not open that pandoras box. I did this till I had some good time in with my counseling and got to the route of my issues.

[jvr3419]

I didn’t feel like posting today but I no its important for me to keep reminding myself to do so. One of the biggest recommendations that kept me away from relapse in early recovery from substances was doing 90 meetings in 90 days. Because there’s no GA meetings available where I live right now I’m finding that i need to write on this forum everyday and practice other things like my stepwork, counseling, and meetings for my other recovery. So far this has kept me super accountable and I haven’t wanted to gamble. I don’t have triggers to gamble at all like I did before I sought out professional help. I found that I kept myself stuck by keeping accounts open that owed me money or had prolonged gifts they still owed me before. This was the problem that kept me checking those accounts and then I would start gambling as soon as I got on that site again. They purposely string you along “waiting” to make you anxious so you keep playing. It’s sick that casinos use your own mental illness against you. I also think one of the biggest things that’s made it so I dont want to play again is that everyone knows what I did. Once I told everyone important in my life my dark secret I feel it freed me. Without being complacent with that statement I firmly believe we are only as sick as our secrets. The longer I was hiding what I was doing and how often the more I kept doing it. I also allow myself to feel everything now before I hated my difficult emotions and I disliked being uncomfortable. Instead I find other things to do even if it’s just to take a nap to rid myself of the uncomfortable feeling. I do spend alot of time with others now. I isolated alot during covid which most people did and that made me sicker. Every weekend I make sure I have some plans with others but I also make sure I’m of service to others to. I like to help other people and most of my friends are in recovery from other addictions. This keeps me out of my self centered state. Night time is hard after work but lately I’ve been exhausted helping my aunt and taking my dog for longer walks after work so I don’t have time to feel lonely or bored. I forgot to do a gratitude list yesterday and I noticed the difference in how I felt not writing it out so im going to continue adding them to my posts.

Today I’m grateful for my best friends as I’ve for some awesome plans with them this weekend. Im grateful for the creator and being shown the guidance I need in my life. I’m grateful for my spirituality back in my life as I make sure to do a prayer and a smudge every morning now. I’m grateful for 74 days free from gambling.

[jvr3419]

I was feeling frustrated today as my aunt forced me to do all the paperwork to start legal action towards her tenant. She’s not well so I understand why she can’t do it herself but I got overwhelmed with all the information you need. I filled out as much as I could. There was a brief moment where I turned to anger and thought about walking up to this asshole and beating the crap out of him. I boxed and played in a male hockey league growing up so even though I’m a girl I no how to throw down lol. I had to sit and deep breathe like crazy to try and get myself out of the visual of throwing this guy in the industrial sized bin we ordered for all his hoarded crap. I’ve been meditating alot lately so I quickly centered myself. I got my dog and walked him and decided to drive into the city. I phoned my ex and told him i was bringing his dog to visit him. We sat and talked for awhile and I finally opened up and told him he needed psychological help because he has a dual personality and that other person scares the shit out of me. He actually listened to me and agreed that he needed to get some help so today was a big success for me. I was able to be honest and communicate what I’ve wanted to say for years. I was able to tell him my gambling started as a way to escape being with him i was so terrified of who he became but i was also numbing my other mental health issues from trauma. I told him it was my fault of course for becoming a gambling addict but that when I started it was when I wanted to leave him do to this demonic type personality that developed in him. For some reason he wanted to still no how much money I had left. So I was honest and said not much. There’s nothing he can say to that. I dont no why he cares maybe he wanted some of it who knows. I have enough to survive by myself on plus I have a trailer to sell so I’ll be fine ,not rich, but I’ll be able to live ok with my job and some savings. My financial situation has definitely improved and I’m paying my debts down now to.

[jvr3419]

Today I’m grateful for the chance to learn more skills at work and enhance my knowledge. I’m grateful for the beautiful sunshine today. I’m grateful for my stepmom as we had a good chat last night on the phone. I’m grateful for the quiet space I have to heal myself.

[jvr3419]

Today was my counseling session day. I always end up crying my eyes out. I’ve been trying to work on my issues around self esteem and feeling like I’m not good enough. I do this type of EMDR treatment that encompasses taoism healing practices. I keep having this reoccurring image of people standing in a crowd yelling that I’m a piece of shit for being a gambler and that I’m never going to be good enough because I lost all my money so nobody wants to be near me or with me. I’ve been used all my life for money since I was young and that ended up coming up.My counselor told me it’s common that young girls who’ve been sexually assaulted end up attracting users throughout there whole lives until there traumas are fully healed. I never thought about why people always appeared like they cared about me until I cut out buying them shit or when the times I wasn’t as fincially well off. It was a hard kick in the face for me moment to realize I’ve just allowed people to use me because of my own shitty feelings about my self worth. I also saw an image of myself drowning as a kid that ended up turning into my mom drowning that’s how she died so it was just a whole lot to process in one visual today. But I’m glad to be working on this type of stuff because I really need to. I’m sick of never feeling like I’m worth anything to anyone or myself. I just want to wake up and look in the mirror and not find a million things to pick apart about myself. I no I can do this and I no that I’m going to get better mind,body,and soul. I refuse to let gambling or addictions of any kind rob me of the work I’ve been doing on myself. This growth period was really needed in my life so maybe the fact that I had a bad experience with gambling was truly ment to happen so I could continue to work on myself and heal properly.

Today I’m grateful for my healing journey. I’m grateful that I’m able to feel and express all my emotions today. I’m grateful that I’m no longer fearful of change in all areas of my life. And I’m grateful that I have a chance to make a better life for myself.

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