[jvr3419]

It was rough a night where I live as we’ve had 100km plus winds so I’ve been out of power for over 24hours. So I had no running water or heat but I managed. Lucky my trailer isn’t horrible because it’s not alot of space so my dog and alot of blankets can keep me warm. My water heater arrived yesterday so I’m really grateful i can install that this week and finally have running water till I get the legal paperwork for taking possession of the cottage I’m moving into to. The tenant has caused threats so I can even attempt to clean the place yet so it has to go through the courts which takes months sometimes. I’m trying to be patient as I have no choice in that area of my life. Turning that over to the creator because some things in life you can’t control and just have to let it be. The positive is I save money till then except what I had to dish out for my water heater but when I sell my trailer a new water heater will up the selling point so thats a positive to. Today I’m 100 days gamblefree so I’m grateful for that. Things can always be worse I still have gas to cook with till the storm dies down but I go to work in the city so I’m not even stuck in my trailer except at night to sleep. With the storm our elevator lift is not safe so I get to haul material up and down 20 flights of stairs as we’re starting to work at the top of the high rise were on. The positive is I stay warm lol. I get paid to excericise and I’m totally exhausted when I get home so I somewhat slept OK last night through the brutal wind and rain. Hopefully it’ll be over today though because the whole island I lied on has down lines and trees down everywhere. Keeping my fingers crossed I make it to work today without any tree or Poweline obstacles to tackle.

[jvr3419]

Congratulations Dark energy for hitting double digits glad to see your doing well.

[jvr3419]

Today I did my first set of my steps for my red road recovery based off the wellbriety steps. I cried alot last night when I started them as it brought up alot of stuff for me. I needed to heal the cultural part of myself so thats why I chose to do these steps. My sponsor gifted me with a drum today and put a song into about 4 legged creatures that she learned from her elders. She said she chose that song as I have such a strong connection to animals like my dog. She made the drum for me which in my culture is a huge deal. I feel so incredibly grateful that I’m finding this path for myself right now. The teaching and readings from the program I’m starting are so inspiring and hitting alot of the right places for me to heal every part of myself properly. One thing I liked is it was talking about how before the settlers came that they new they would bring 4 mind changers ( addiction). One of those things was a card.I new that ment gambling. That hit a huge cord with me last night as I felt immense pain that I was drawn into the dark side. But I’m happy that I’m finding the right path back to myself. Culturally I have many different beliefs because im interracial and only part native so I have teachings from my English grandmother but also from my first nations side to so I’m really lucky to have so many things to keep me grounded now that I’m willing to look at them more. I’m really grateful for the opportunity to find my true identity because ive been lost for along time. Without recovery and the willingness to dig deep into my traumas and heal them i wouldn’t be doing this work today.

[jvr3419]

Today was a great day my ex and I took our dog hiking up to a waterfall and had a nice fire near by there was nobody in site. We were able to learn to be in each other’s company without resentment or the need for a relationship. We’ve known each other for along time and have been best friends forever so it’s hard for us to try and not be in each other’s life. We have extremely strong boundaries in terms of trying to be together since we both have alot of work still to do on ourselves so its nice that we have now turned a new leaf and can be good friends without expectations. We’re both really adventurous people we love extreme sports and hiking alot so he nos I’ll always join him regardless of where we stand relationship wise. At first we had a rough break but slowly we’ve both been doing some work to try and work through the relationship resentments and move into this place of being able to hang out as friends. I’m glad that I’ve been doing stepwork and counseling as its allowed me to find this place of releasing my codependency issues as I no longer seek out the relationship part with my ex. Maybe he has different motives for the future but I dont have any I’m just learning to be ok by myself and not need to be with someone. I’ve never phoned or texted him its always been him so I’m doing good in that department. I haven’t seeked out relationships elsewhere either I’m starting to actually be ok I on my own and enjoy the time I’ve had doing things by myself and healing in the right way. I’m really grateful for finding this place with myself of being ok. I was extremely suicidal for along time which seems to be very common in gambling addicts. I don’t even think it’s the fincial devastation that does it its the messed up brain chemistry that happens from gambling. I don’t miss that feel of despair at all it sucks.

[jvr3419]

Doing ok today I’ve had alot of positive conversations happen in the last few days so I’m feeling pretty good about that. My aunt decided to leave for Thailand last minute to try and get a surgery done she needs. I’m really nervous as she’s extremely frail and weak and went alone she has stage 4 cancer that she’s been holding on for along time from. She said to me last night before she left that this could be the last moment I see her as she may not return if she can’t make it through the surgery. I got pretty sad last night as she’s really all I have left for blood family so I’m trying to stay positive that she’ll make it back ok. If not I have to accept that she’s gone where her heart wanted to go right now. She’s the strongest person I no and she’s hurt me alot in my life but I’ve let go of my resentments at her because its not worth the rented space in my head anymore. What’s done is done and I’m starting a clean slate. She said one last thing to me is to keep trying to look at the positives and keep smiling. She said don’t stop trying be a better person and don’t take shit from anyone just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’ve had non stop loss in my life so its hard not to feel uneasy. However I no im capable of managing on my own because i have been for awhile now. Fincially I’m doing ok I’ve saved alot already since I quit gambling. I’m doing well at work so I no I have a stable job and even if I didn’t I’ve gone to college 3 times so I’m trained in a few different careers if I need to fall back on other things. I saw my counselor last night and he asked me if I’ve thought about gambling I said no not at all. I don’t even like the idea of it anymore it repulses me just like the thought of drinking or doing drugs does. I no I don’t have alot of time in yet but I no that I’m on the right track now and that the withdrawl and craving stages are over. I’ve learned to identify my emotions and feelings and how to sit with them. I’ve learned my triggers and what caused my relapse in the first place and how to prevent that again so I feel I’m doing really well now.

[jvr3419]

I had a much better day today. I decided to make a little intervention with my crew this morning and discuss the issues that were causing tension with everyone. I no if I wasn’t there the guys wouldn’t bat an eyelash at trying to get along better but I explained to them that it’s making everyone on edge and uncomfortable not getting along and our work is sloppy because everyone’s pissed off and not properly communicating. All the guys agreed that we have to work better togeather on this job as its hectic already so we need to get along better. By early morning everyone was laughing and joking around and we were much faster and efficient because we all communicated what was going on through the day regarding our tasks. I felt relieved and extremely grateful that I spoke up instead of fearing potential backlash. I see improvement with myself already since I’ve been in counseling. I took a bad situation and decided to make a change. I had planed on potentially leaving today if the discussion didn’t go well. I figured why put myself through more bs there’s tons of work where I live. I’m super happy that I’m learning to stand up for myself in a more positive manner. My old techniques of lashing out like I used to just make others get more defensive so today I decided a different approach of being assertive and saying what I need to instead of hiding my feelings. If I was still gambling and in my addictive depression mode there’s no way I would of had the guts to speak up today.i would of continued being angry and resentful. Doing my step 4 on resentments the other day really made me remeber that I have to do a daily inventory regarding my own defects of character. Because if I don’t I’m liable to slip into my addiction again as stressful life situations are what led me to relapse into gambling in the first place.

Today I’m grateful for being assertive. I’m grateful for the work I’m doing in my recovery. I’m grateful for another day addiction free.

[jvr3419]

I became really irritable at the end of my work day today. The foreman running the job pissed me off with his lack of direction and communication all day and I left feeling really pissed off. He was being rude to me before I left so I began to get my back up and I was about to snap on him but I tried to hold my tongue and just left feeling irritated. My head starting doing circles on my way home about my career choice as I’m starting to question whether it’s a good fit for me anymore. I worked hard to earn my place and my wage but it’s just such a toxic environment alot of the time. There’s alot of this negative talk about each other behind each others back and everyone seems to no better than the other so there’s alot of control issues and egos that make it frustrating. I’m trying to find healthy balance in my life and I’m definitely finding my work is starting to get to me in terms of being unhealthy. I new trades were chaotic and full of addiction and yet i still chose to do it for the good paychecks. one guy shows up half wasted most mornings yelling his face off at the younger foreman for not doing his job right. It’s just irritating and causes the foreman to snap because he feels threatened then snaps at me because the older drunk sets off his trauma of having an alcoholic dad so its a merry round ride all day long. The other guys on our crew rarley show up so it puts us behind and adds more stress to the situation. I no im doing my best but my perfectionist mindset takes over that I’m not good enough if I make a simple mistake or when I get criticized for something thats not my fault. I’m not good with people that try to use aggression and negatively with me I just crumble. I used to throw shit at my shop foreman because he became abusive with me but I’m trying to just hold myself back when I feel that rage hit like today. I was walking down the stairs well my foreman was yelling at me but I couldn’t hear him because there was someone hammer drilling concrete in the stairwell. I eventually heard him and turned around but I started swearing a bit because I was already pissed when he raised his voice. We both calmed ourselves as we’ve known each other for years and understand one another but I still felt off and uncomfortable I dont even want to go to work tomorrow but I no I need to face these guys head on and just let tomorrow be another day. I have to really work on my reactions to the negativity and try to go to some meditative place when the toxic behaviors of everyone comes out. I almost need a safe word lol. I used to say Mufasa from lion king because he tells simba remember who you are. Looks like I’m going to need to have that word on automatic redial in my brain at work from now on.

[jvr3419]

I’ve had a really awesome couple days. I was really focused on self care for myself. My friend and I did a spa day with saunas and hot tubs yesterday and I also got my hair done for the first time in 2 1/2 years. I felt more like a woman should for the first time in along time. I’ve been feeling gruby and to masculine lately with my line of work so I feel pretty for the first time in along time. I wore a bikini for the first time to in about a year to and felt confident it was really nice. Today I did my step 4 with my sponsor and let go of my resentments from my relationship. We also discussed starting our new stepwork next weekend that’s tailored towards our culture. I ordered a program from the states thats called wellbriety that focuses on first nations culture that encompasses the 12 steps so I’m extremely excited to finally get to work that program. My step-dad raised me with his culture on reserves since I was a year old and my own bloodline is part Iroquois so its really cool that I can encompass my beliefs and spirtuality into my recovery. There’s not right or wrong way to do what works for you in my opinion. There’s many recovery avenues to take and I definitely prefer more of holistic approach. I’m still very involved with NA and AA to and unfortunately there’s no GA here for me but this forum is helping for that part. My counselor specializes in gambling addiction specifically though so thats a major help for me right now in my recovery journey from gambling addiction. Because Ive had many addictions and issues in my life I have alot of different things I’m trying to do to become healthier. I am more determined than I’ve ever been to be the best version I can for myself.

Today I’m grateful for doing my stepwork. I’m grateful for my awesome hairdresser for making me feel pretty again. And I’m grateful for looking after myself this weekend

[jvr3419]

Hey again dark energy. I’ll be extremely blunt when I say this but if you have to ask whether or not to be honest in your relationship than you definitely are not ready for one yet. If you meet someone and keep from them that your a recovering addict that’s a huge betrayal. Now our past endeavors are our own issues however we are only as sick as our secrets. Every human has done something there not proud of in life. And us people that have had major addiction issues are not less than anyone else we just have had some very painful life experiences that lead us down a dark path. Any respectful human will no if your trying to be the best version of yourself that you are worthy of love and connection. You are right that until your addiction cycle is under control you should not be putting someone into the mix. You have to work on what’s keeping you stuck and find self-love first you owe yourself that.

[jvr3419]

That’s awesome losingitslowly that the gamban is working for you. I installed it early on to. I also found that the self excluding from every site was the best measure to. The process to sign up for new sites was to frustrating with me because you have to submit all those documents and the shame I had from my bank account dwindling made me not want to submit bank statements to another casino when I stopped. I was just going to post on your thread to congratulate you on getting the time in you have. Sounds like your on the right track In terms of how to stay away from it now. The hardest part is definitely finding away out of the withdrawals. It took me a solid month to not want to gamble at all as everything was triggering at first. The only thing that saved me was being in my course for 6 weeks because I was to busy and studying at night. I also had my counseling sessions to which helped identify my issues for wanting to return to gambling. Us addicts definitely need help to avoid the need to escape patterns were prone to.

Today I’m on 90 days gamblefree I set it as a goal to reach so that I could stay accountable. Posting here everyday is hard but it’s really helping me. Being as vulnerable as I have is alot for me to express but hiding myself doing it alone won’t help me at all. I hope that I can be one of the success stories that has overcome all my addictions and made a better life. I’m making my next goal 6 months to reach. Wishing everyone lots of strength today

[jvr3419]

Hey dark energy I just read a few of your posts and wow it sounded so much like what I wrote about myself or feel sometimes. I to am in my mid thirties and at times feel like I’ve wasted my life sometimes. One thing I wanted to say is that I’ve been in recovery from other addictions for 10 years the majority of people ive met in NA or AA didn’t get there shit together till they were in there late 30s to early 40s. Most of them now have families and great lives which just started a bit later. There really is no time limit for when the whole kid and marriage and big goals in life happen. I definitely understand the lonliness factor its tough I’ve never been single till up to till a month and a bit ago and it sucks but it’s also refreshing because it’s hard losing yourself to the wrong person. Without fixing ourselves first we will always attract chaos it just goes hand in hand with addiction and unresolved trauma. I’m happy to read that your back on the recovery train and trying. You dont give up that’s the main thing. It takes alot of work to stay away from addiction especially gambling. Wishing you lots of strength through your journey.

[jvr3419]

Congratulations libu on making the step to self exclude. It’s really hard to do as I no how those casinos string us along. There is lots of help out there with debt relief. It’s just a matter of getting the knowledge of someone who can help you with that. Talk to a fincial advisor or one of the many debt relief trustess out there that can give you some advice on what you can do. I personally am just pushing myself to pay it myself but thats because I can right now. The biggest thing is getting yourself the help you need to overcome the addiction itself. It takes a good amount of time to rewire our brains. Happy your hear and wishing you all that have made comments strength in your recovery.

I wanted to post something in regards to my own issues today. I notice that I still struggle with this need to be perfect in the sense that I feel if I’m showing despair in anyway that it’s bad. I saw this qoute that popped up and it said that ,” you don’t have to be postive all the time. It’s perfectly OK to feel sad,angry,annoyed, frustrated,scared or anxious. Having “feelings” does not make you a negative person it makes you human. I definitely needed that kick in the head because I get so bent out of shape if I’m showing any of those feelings as if it’s wrong. When I was a kid I wasn’t aloud to show emotions or feelings my step dad that raised me would record me crying or having tantrums as a kid and play it back to me telling me how stupid I sounded and to stop. So now still after all those years I still think I’m defective if I show any feelings or emotions to things. It’s sad when I think about it how long I’ve carried that inability to be ok with feeling anything. I relaize those emotions and feelings are uncomfortable for others but it’s expression were ment to have. To many people are numb like I was and or taught like I was to not show feelings/emotions. Probably why i got into trades because you literally just listen to people yell at each other all day because showing any other feelings is considered weak. I’m a women were naturally emotional so therefore I need to accept that it’s OK to be just that. I need to work on letting myself be human and not some emotionally challenged robot.

Today I’m grateful that I got a lock and key to a women’s washroom on my jobsite site because it’s the simple things in life that make your day lol. I’m grateful for the ability to work hard as I’ve lost alot weight in the last few weeks which I needed and I’ve gained alot of strength. I’m grateful for fresh veggies and a healthy diet because my body needs the nutrients.

[jvr3419]

Thanks kin for your kind words. I dont like being negative but sometimes recovery can me a depressing process for awhile it comes it waves for me. I definitely yoyo in my emotions but thats to be expected since I was numbing myself for a few months straight.

Hey danieldrake1 I’m so glad you keep coming back and posting. You no that you have a problem and that you want to fix it. I definitely recommend trying some counseling and putting some barriers in place to be able to keep yourself from gambling

Today my ex decided to send me this message in the morning and he said here’s something positive for you.

“When we first find recovery, some of us feel shame or despair at calling ourselves “addicts” In the early days, we may be filled with both fear and hope as we struggle to find new meaning in our lives. The past may seem inescapable and overpowering. It may be hard to think of ourselves in any way other than the way we always have.

While memories of the past can serve as reminders of what’s waiting for us if we use again, they can also keep us stuck in a nightmare of shame and fear. Though it may be difficult to let go of those memories, each day in recovery can bring us that much farther away from our active addiction. Each day, we can find more to look forward to and less to punish ourselves for.

In recovery, all doors are open to us. We have many choices. Our new life is rich and full of promise. While we cannot forget the past, we don’t have to live in it. We can move on.”

[jvr3419]

I’m beyond exhausted today I got home frow work and could barely speak. My body is shaking from pushing myself so hard. I was trying to do more paperwork for getting full possession legally of the cottage and I almost threw the paperwork across the room. I had to go back up to the cottage to put the paperwork on the door for legal purposes. The tenant has now left completely but refuses to come back and clean up. I went inside again and looked at how mangled the place is again. I got upset at how someone could do what he did. I started crying yet again because I’m just so tired and my aunt says ill have to clean it up and fix some of the damage. I told her I’m not paying for new appliances since it’s not my place it’s her responsibility. I no She’s sick but she still has her witts and trys to take advantage me. She made me pay for the paperwork to be filed which I thought was unfair since it was her tenant but thats just how she is. Unfortunately I have nowhere else to go so I have to put up with the bullshit. She’s all I have for blood family left other than my uncle with dementia who I put in a home last year. I couldn’t look after him anymore. He was bed ridden and I’d come home from work and do all his care it was to much for me I did it for 3 years. I had careaids come during the day but they didn’t look after him very well. It was tough on me. I feel like I haven’t had a break in along time. I think when I started gambling I literally just broke I had hit my capacity of stuff I could take. I was dealing with my partners injuries from his accident, my grandma died suddenly and i was the only one with her holding her hand as she past, then I took over her house to look after my uncle in it, my cousin was in the basement and was a severe alcoholic so I was dealing with him and a psychotic gf he had, and I was trying to start a new career in trades after working in Healthcare. Then my aunt decided to be selfish and want her money from my grandmas house so on top of everything else I busted my ass trying to fix the house up to sell with no help from anyone it was alot of work. I think when the house sold and we couldn’t find anywhere to live last summer I just hit my breaking point I broke into a million pieces. On top of having all my past traumas come back to haunt me I think the house selling brought up everything because it was traumatic for me to leave that place since my grandma raised me since I was a little girl in it. I always went back to that house when I needed somewhere safe to go. I relapsed with gambling right after it sold.I think right now I’m just so overwhelmed and tired that I just don’t no how to function well. I’m on autopilot with my head spinning in circles ln how to survive right now. I wish I could take a holiday sooner because I’m just done but I can’t I have to wait till Easter holiday. I have to try and find some gratitude today to see some good things right now. So today I’m grateful for being able to write on here and let my thoughts out. I’m grateful that I have things to look forward to in my future. I’m grateful that today is almost over because tomorrow’s a fresh day to start new with some positive things.

[jvr3419]

I’m trying so hard to stay positive right now. I dont feel like writing or expressing anything right now but I no need to. When I clam up and feel like isolating my thoughts is when I start to get into a bad place. I don’t feel like gambling I haven’t thought about it at all actually in along time. I don’t miss it. It ruined me as a person that’s all I no. And I never want to go back to that dark place again. The fact that I’m still trying to deal with the mess I made for myself is enough for me to never want to escape my pain again. I dont like feeling pain and sadness but I no its nessicary and a part of life. I’m doing relatively ok considering my life is all over the map. Even though I hate being alone I’m adjusting everyday to it. If anything there’s less drama and toxic bs at the end of the day. My counselor tried to remind me that I’m not going to be alone forever its just for now. Of course my brain goes to who the hell wants to be with a recovering addict who has been hooked on drugs/alcohol/ and gambling. Even though its been 10 years since i drank or did drugs I still feel like a defect.Talk about every read flag there is. Plus my lifetime of trauma is a another steer clear sign to some people. I literally have a do not enter sign attached to my forehead lol or that’s how I feel sometimes. I get told I’m a good person or that I’m pretty, skilled,smart but I have a hard time letting myself believe any of that. That’s why I’m trying to really hard to work on my self confidence. I want to be able to say those things to myself and believe it. I can say I feel I’m intelligent but I keep going back to how does a smart person throw away there entire life to a bullshit addiction and then I have to fight with myself and say because I was in so much pain inside that I just blew a head gasket literally. I’m human I made a horrible life choice but I no that I’m going to be better in time I just have to patient with the process.

Today I’m grateful for being resilient. I’m grateful that I have the strength to keep pushing through the hard times. I’m grateful for the ability to see changes in myself and what I need to work on.

[Author]

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