[jvr3419]

Hi brenda I’m happy to here you have support that’s the most important thing during this time. It looks like your taking the necessary steps to get yourself on the right track. Your very lucky to have a son that can show you the ropes on how to heal from addiction that support is the most valuable. Wishing you lots of strength ?

[jvr3419]

Congratulations on taking the first steps to your gambling recovery. Admitting your powerless is the first step and it’s the hardest so I commend you on coming here and doing so. Wishing you lots of strength and were here to support you on your journey ?

[jvr3419]

Hi Kin thanks for sharing that it’s very beautiful.

Welcome brenda01 I’m so glad to see you’ve found a place that you can. Connect and work on your recovery journey. This place is a great way to get strength and encouragement.

Today I went back to work. I’m still trying to get my strength back from covid. These are the days I kick myself for being in the trades as there’s no such thing as light duties with what I do but I’m glad that I have the skill set to push through my day even if I’m slower than usual. I got to spend some time with a good friend yesterday so that took away some of my blues from being alone all last week. My friends have always been my family so I’m thankful for the ones I do have. My sponsee that I’ve had from NA has been reaching out to me alot lately so I’m really grateful for that as I get to teach her how to find spirtuality again in her life. The same thing I’ve had to relearn. No matter how much time you have in you can still lose that which is what happened to me. I became angry,lost,impatient, disconnected from everything especially my spirtual side thats how I ended up with this new addiction. I realized I was living in so much fear. I have this tattoo I got years ago on my arm that says everything you want in life is behind fear. And it’s so true. I always wanted to be rid of my traumas but I was so fearful of going to that place and having to relive the pain. I always thought of fear as going two ways F*ck everything and run or face everything and rise. This time I’ve chosen the better of the two and for that I’m extremely grateful today. Pain is only temporary and with strength, guidance and support of others it’s possible to be on a better and more healthy recovery journey. But it’s starts with surrender and connection.

[jvr3419]

Today I finally got let out of my cage. I ended just spending the day with my ex as we’re all we have for family where I live. It’s always just been us two unless we traveled like I was supposed to for Easter. We had alot of postive conversations about what went wrong in our relationship on both sides and reached a mutual understanding of the pain we both inflicted on each other. We are no where near getting back togeather as he still needs to get professional help for his brain injury which he agreed to do after he finishes a set of steps. I also have alot of work still to do and am working on my stepwork to so its important for us to make sure we don’t rush into the relationship again. I’ve seen way to many people relapse and get taken out again by relationship issues and breakups. I don’t want that to be the case for me nor do I want the relationship to overshadow my early recovery days. It’s easy to get stuck in that honeymoon faze and forget that you have issues as they always come back full circle if there not mended. For me to reach this level of maturity and also not push for a relationship is huge. As I’ve never lived alone I’ve had a bf since I was 13 and I lived with everyone of them including the one when I was that young. I no that I deserve this time alone even if me and him still spend some time together it’s not everyday and I don’t blow up his phone either I’m not that type. I feel that it’s important to remove the codependent tendency that comes from being an addict. I need to learn to find comfort and safety in myself. I’ve never felt safe except with him but then that faded once he changed from his brain injury. I told him I need to find my safe place within myself and it’s going to take some hard work and time to still do that. My physical safe place was my grandmas but since that sold I need to find it internally instead of from a material possession as those never last as I’ve now realized. Being an addict makes it hard for me to feel safe with myself or even trust my own self for that matter but I no that with a strong spiritual outlet I can get there I just have to build a stronger connection to it which is what I’m attempting through doing my cultural approach to stepwork

[jvr3419]

Thanks Kin I’m definitely trying to avoid ever going back into a dry drunk again. This week has definitely tested me thats for sure. And I’m doing everything I can in my condition to keep myself connected to others. Today I reached out to a girl that posted on a random qoute from some page about trauma. I usually don’t interact on Facebook at all let alone with strangers but I felt like I had to. I told her to contact me as it sounded like she was suicidal a bit. The girl ended up sending me a message as she felt incredibly alone she’s somewhere on the other side of the world kind of like how we all are. It felt really good to be able to be there for someone else that was struggling that hard and felt nobody cared about them. I’ve learned that the only way to get outside of my own self sometimes is to reach out to others. I’ve always been the person people come to but I was really shut down and depressed especially last year when I started gambling again and nobody wanted anything to do with me. The once positive and insightful person I was just vanished into my Trauma and pain. All I no now is even though I’m working through the guilt part of losing all that money that I have to find away to make up from being in that addicted state. I hope that by being able to give some hope and strength to others no matter them be addicts or just other people struggling through life right now that it will keep me grounded and out of that self doubt mindset. It’s certainly easy to do being isolated but tomorrow I’m allowed back into the world I tested negative so I’m going to try venturing out into life again and regain a place in society lol.

[jvr3419]

Hi risingphoenix, I’m sorry your poor pup is struggling. They sure can teach us alot. I always have looked animals for strength and life lessons as there survival mechanisms are so different from our emotional ones. Theres is purely instinctual. I remeber watching my old girl suffer I new when she didn’t want to swim anymore that was it. She was a lab so they love water. I still think about her everyday they never leave us. I wish your pup and you all the strength through this time. And your absolutely right addiction especially this one is just like having cancer we have to fight it tooth and nail to not let us be taken out from it. Congratulations on your clean days.❤

[jvr3419]

Hi losingitslowly. I’m sorry to read of your relapse. I no how hard it is to take those 2 steps back but at least you no what you have to do with the blockers and self exclusions to stop. We also need alot more in recovery, abstinence is not going to be the only step to staying away so I hope one day you find those next steps to keep you away from relapse. We’re here for you and many of us can help teach you or guide you in those directions if your willing to look at the other tools nessicary. Wishing you strength today.

[jvr3419]

Hi kin thanks for asking. I’m doing better. I’m still really weak but I tried walking a bit today with my ex standing by as I get really dizzy and exhausted I lose my balance alot. I fell out of my shower yesterday morning I couldn’t get enough oxygen and It’s In my ears to so that throws me off balance. It started out as an ear infection that’s where it targeted first before it got into my respiratory system. Im getting my appetite back though today and the cold symptoms have gone away. So now it’s just trying to get my strength back. I’ve never had anything take me out this bad before as I’m super healthy but I do not wish this on anyone.

[jvr3419]

Thankyou for sharing your gratitude list kin. It makes me happy to see that. My sleep cycles super messed up so I’m wide awake in the middle of the night wanting to share some things I came across today that I think are extremely valuable to people like us in recovery. I was outside getting fresh air and I had left youtube on my TV it started automatically playing a tedtalk I hadn’t selected which was bizarre. It was a woman talking about the power of vulnerability lol. Anyways I had to watch and replay this video 4 times to really absorb what she said. She started out by talking how vulnerability is just shame,guilt, and fear. And shame is just disconnection. And for many we avoid vulnerability because of not wanting to feel those things. Most of all not feeling worthy of connection. Talk about ringing bells for me. She said so we decide to numb those things associated with vulnerability. And you can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing out other affects and emotions like joy,gratitude,and happiness. And then we end up miserable looking for meaningfulness and purpose. And then we are vulnerable. And it becomes this dangerous cycle. She said one of the things we have to think about it why we numb out. It doesn’t just have to be addiction we also can try to make everything uncertain certain. And out of that we end up in this need for perfection. She finishes off by saying we need to allow ourselves to be seen,be vulnerable. And with that we find gratitude and joy instead of catastrophizing what might happen by being vulnerable.

I definitely feel like I’ve come a long way in this area I’ve exposed myself more than I like but I no its nessicary in order to establish connection because ultimately that’s what all us humans are looking for. Even when we don’t want it because we don’t feel worthy of it most likely because of how we grew up or something that’s happened in our life to make us feel that way. Having an addiction definitely brings alot of shame(disconnection). But knowing or allowing ourselves to feel like we’re worthy of forgiveness and connection is truly the only way to really heal. I no that’s what I’m finding anyways. And it starts by forgiving ourselves,being honest with our loved ones, and doing the work necessary to undo past traumas that keep us trapped in the horrible cycle of tying to numb our vulnerability. Lol rant over this is what being stuck in isolation does to me but at least it’s a positive message lol.

[jvr3419]

Thankyou for the kind comments. I’m definitely pushing myself through this. I’m struggling alot with the breathing and of course being caged up. I’m lucky however that I live in a beautiful spot. I managed to sit myself on the edge of my trailer and I looked around the farm I’m on and all these different animals were staring at me from there “caged” up spots. They’re all well looked after but animals don’t get to be free like us humans so I empathized looking over at a puppy he was staring at me from his fenced area and to my left a cat was staring at me from the window of the house ( house cat), the sheep were looking at me from there fenced barriers and the dogs were roaming around in there with them. I suddenly appreciated the value that we have as people to just be free to do whatever we want. My brain has been trying to go to a depressed plce but I fight it.Everyday I talk to my friends or family though and try to remeber this isn’t forever. I don’t think about gambling I just think about the damage I did from it. I’ve been working really hard on the forgiveness to myself for what I’ve done. Being in isolation makes you think alot more about it that’s for sure. The main thing is addiction is formed from trauma and I no that if I never want to go back there I have to keep continuing to heal all parts of myself. Even anything new that may arise. Even this situation alone could be considered traumatic its horrible and scarey not being able to breathe and the isolation is not good for us humans. I’m definitely not going to let some virus take me out thats for sure. I have food, I have water and hot water, I have a shelter even if it’s not ideal it’s better than some have. I have people that love and care about me I have alot to be grateful for and need to remeber that alot right now.

[jvr3419]

Thanks Kin
I just tested positive for covid so I’m stuck isolating I had to cancel my trip for the Easter weekend. Im trying hard to not feel angry. I needed to get away I haven’t seen my family in almost 2 1/2 years. I can’t do anything as whenever I try to walk I can’t breathe very well. My ex brought me some food this morning so I can at least try to eat but it’s hard to get down. I hope this shit passes fast because my whole body is in pain now. This definitely sucks. I’m grateful for my friends and my ex that keep checking on me as I feel pretty alone living by myself as it is being sick makes it 10 times harder. Especially this sickness its super debilitating I’m lucky I’m healthy already so I should come out of this ok fingers crossed.

[jvr3419]

I thought I posted this morning but I forgot to hit the submit button lol. Pretty accurate to how my brians functioning today. I ended up really sick this weekend and it’s gotten alot worse. I pushed myself yesteday to install my water heater so I could have water again but it made my cold/flu worse as it was raining like crazy yesterday. Now I’m off work because I’m way to weak and coughing alot. I never get sick so I hope it’s not covid as everyone i no has had it but me. I don’t do well being super vulnerable and sick because I have a hard time just sleeping and doing nothing but I no its nessicary to heal. I no this has nothing to do with gambling but for some people being stuck at home going stir crazy would be a gambling trigger. For me it’s not anymore but I still have to watch myself and not isolate where I’m still in contact with others to make sure I don’t go to squirrely. My ex and friends have already checked on me so I’m trying to stay positive that this bug or whatever it is passes. It’s definitely a hinderence but I guess my body needed rest so this is what the creator gave me a bad cold/flu so I’m forced to rest. I’m grateful i have water though now that’s a huge relief for me that I got the water heater installed it was a huge pain but I did it so I’m proud of that as I saved 1000s not hiring someone. I’ve never been afraid to try and fix things even if I don’t no how I just try to problem solve. Lucky it wasn’t to bad except that I was in a brain fog and pain being sick doing it. I guess im willing to do anything to survive lol.

[jvr3419]

Last night I decided to do a new hypnosis technique that I learned along time ago I just haven’t applied it much since I’ve been doing EMDR treatments.I’ve been trying to focus mostly on meditation to calm my brain at night. Years ago I wrote papers when I was in school for mental health and addiction on the benefits of hypnosis and ptsd. I of course went down the wrong path for awhile and lost all those things I learned. My brain broke so I’m putting it back togeather. Anyways I had a natropath start me on hypnosis about 10 years ago after that I was hooked. I learned everything I could right down to dream interpretation. It worked while i was practicing it. So I decided to try a new one last night that was on releasing emotional blockages. The first thing I saw was me sitting in a classroom as a child my mom showed up and grabbed me and hugged me in the child form telling me I’ll be ok and that she’ll help show me the way and protect me. She grabbed my hand in the child form then turned to me as the adult form saying come with us ill help you through this. So throughout the whole hypnosis i followed her and my childform through all these doors that led me to things that I was still holding onto from childhood. By the end she had led me to a more peaceful place where I could learn to just be free from it all. It was unexplainable how free I felt or how much emotion I had even seeing my mom talk to me I haven’t heard her voice or was able to picture her well because she died when I was 11. My mom was a huge blockage for me emotionally so to see her in that light was super profound. I’m really grateful today that gambling has been removed from my life because it took away these things that helped me before. It took every part of who I am away. I was telling my ex the other day it’s scarey still to me what happened because I’m not a stupid person and to let myself get that lost mentally and into addiction terrifies me. Im so determined to make sure that I never ever get to that low again regardless of what life throws at me. I’ve definitely been tested an insane amount in the last few months but I’m not letting it take me to a dark place again. I no I deserve better than being trapped into the trance of addiction.

[jvr3419]

Thanks so much for the really nice comments that means so much to me to read. I guess my experience with being in recovery for the last 10 years has already paved this path for me so I’m well versed it what it means to push for a healthy life. I just lost my way for awhile but I’m not willing to make that mistake again. I feel fortunate that at my age I get a second chance to make something better for myself so I’m not going to waste it. My mom died at 34 the same age I an now and she never got to experience life so I want to make sure that I can live the life she didnt get to now. I reached a point where I was sick and tired of not living so now I am even if I’m mostly doing it by myself. Today I went to the pool for the first time by myself I was always nervous to go anywhere where im exposes by myself. I had to get an oil change thats right beside the casino. I didn’t even bat an eyelash at the casino I new that the hottub was calling my name at the pool down the road well I waited for my car at the dealership. So today was an accomplishment for myself going into the pool by myself. I didn’t feel anxious or anything so I no my therapies working and insanely grateful for it. I’m grateful that I can be alone and not feel sad I’m actually starting to like it now

[jvr3419]

Congratulations on staying away from gambling for a month that’s a huge milestone to hit. My dad said to me when my partner and I broke up that when I’m in pain he’s in pain. I think its only natural that you as a parent feel that empathy and pain your daughters going through. Your comment that the universe likes to even out the good with something bad resignated with how I used to think alot of the time. Since I’ve been finding a spiritual outlet and trying to find some gratitude everyday that thought process has diminished. I no longer gave that mentality or expectation that somethings going to go wrong. Life just does that because nothings prefect but anticipating negative events sets us up to constantly be looking for it. I’ve seen you write before that your a positive person alot of the time so maybe you just need to try and find some gratitude in certain situations. For instance this one because your gamblefree now you get to be a more attentive mom to your daughter and help her through this so she can find someone better down the line. You get the quality time and life teaching moment of showing her to find self love and not need that from a guy. Because your doing the same for yourself right now to as well. Sounds like the universe gave you an opportunity to bound and take a negative and make it a positive.

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