[jvr3419]

Hi jwill welcome to this site. It’s definitely hard writing the first post so I give your props for making this first step. It’s going to be along journey but it’s really worth it in the long run to rid yourself from a destructive addiction. Getting honest with people in your life is by far the hardest part. I struggled with it to. Its only natural to fear that the connection to those people can be severed do to our addiction. However us addicts are great at making up assumptions and thinking we no how others will react. You’ll be suprised how understanding people can be if you truly show an effort to want to better yourself. My family didn’t judge me at all. If anything they understood that I was in that much pain internally that I went to a place that dark. Some people may react irrationally for a bit but that’s not your problem. Your goal is to get yourself better and that’s it.

[jvr3419]

Hi richv welcome and I commend you on taking the first steps towards your recovery. Your absolutely right that it doesn’t happen overnight. Alot of my gambling spiraled out of control because of grief to so I understand where your coming from. The first place I had to start was getting myself banned from all online sites. Then i got a gambling counselor. He specializes is gambling and trauma therapy. The trauma therapy is whats really helped me to get a grip on my addiction.I then proceeded with recovery based programs. I’ve been in other support groups for along time so I started doing stepwork and reaching out to other recovering addicts for support. Some people find that rehab works better to because your forced to remove yourself from all temptation and life stressors. But basically without support white knuckling it doesn’t work. I wish you all the best and sending you lots of strength

[jvr3419]

Hi Sammy the hardest part about recovery is getting honest about the addiction. Both with yourself and those around you. I lost my partner but it turned out to be the only way I could heal. He also needed to be away from me to do his own work on himself. By not telling people we are in our addiction its not fair to them. Being selfish and holding back that information to protect our ownselves is part of still being an unhealthy addict. You own it to your gf to be truthful and allow her to make her own decisions on what to do. If it helps my counselor told me most of his patients end back with there’s partners after about 6 months once they’ve both been able to heal the trust and other issues in there relationships. Its something to at least look at as a possible positive.

[jvr3419]

I started reading something this morning that was talking about how recovering addicts always try to stay so busy. I laughed because everyone I’ve met in the last 10 years through recovery can’t sit still and when they do they feel guilty and on edge. You no those lazy Sunday mornings that are for rest but something inside of you is jabbing you to get moving. That’s kinda of me right this minute my brains already giving myself shit for resting a bit. The article I was reading discussed how the typical go to the gym and doing lots of activities is fine but it’s not healthy to be in constant avoidance. The answer that I always see refers to finding a spirtual awakening. But what I really liked is is said finding an emotional regulation. For those that don’t understand that a spirtual awakening isn’t necessarily a sense of finding yourself as a full blown Buddhist monk, or being stuck by some spirtual lightening, or something to that degree, it literally is just being able to be in a peaceful place.Which requires the ability to get ahold of your emotional wellbeing. That’s the part that I’m in the middle of right now. When I was 24 that’s when I first quit my addiction to drugs and alcohol I managed to somehow get to a good place physcially,mentally, and a bit spirtualy but not emotionally that was my last step. Those first two took a few years. I had to leave my relationship with my bf I got sober with, I had to find people in recovery to connect with. I worked with a natropath that taught me alot about hypnosis and meditation. I started finding a sense of self. My problem is I reached this halfass good place but then I jumped back into relationships super fast because I hated being alone. I may have mentally got better but I hadn’t done the major psychological rehaul I needed like I’m doing this time around. I was young and had to learn the hard way I guess. I had done countless sets of steps on my life traumas that caused my emotional instability but it never got really healed. It takes alot more work than just bringing it to the surface. I wish I would of understood this more back in those days. I wish that the broken part of me wanting to be cared for could of just waited for another partner when I was well enough but I just hated being with myself that much. There is an insane amount of truth about healing the broken parts of yourself before you let someone into your chaos. Unfortunately that fidgety avoidance brain us addicts have is always looking to avoid so we look to the “love chemical”,especially women. I remember watching everyone of my girl friends I met in recovery fall off the wagon for some dude. I did the same frigging thing I lost myself to a man not being able to fill that broken void in me. Man that sucks to say but it’s a realization and I’m glad I’ve had. It’s always us strong,independent looking types that try to avoid seeing this behavior. We have this I don’t need nobody bs attitude but deep down that’s a load of crap. That mentality is just a toxic survival trait someone like me creates in my mind to try and show people im not going to be vulnerable on the outside, well really im crumbling into a million pieces internally. I’m still younger and no I have so much for to learn. I feel I’m coming along though and I’m glad I didn’t shy away from therapy because that avoidance would of continued me on a cycle of addiction. It may not be substances,or gambling but I would of found something else to get my dopamine hits from. I’m not going to lie being uncomfortable, and going through this ” emotional regulation” process f*cking sucks. But it’s necessary and some people never get to this point in life so im really grateful and lucky to have this strength to do this for MYSELF.

[jvr3419]

Yesterday I had my counseling session. And he asked if I’ve thought about gambling since I stopped. The weird thing is I haven’t. There was a few times in the beginning when I first quit where gambling was more recognizable everywhere kind of like when you buy a new car and start seeing the same one everywhere you go. What I mean is my ears would perk up hearing people talk about sports betting even though that wasnt my thing, or watching friends buy lottery tickets, and even just being more alert seeing the ads all over tv. I quit around Christmas time and i was sitting at my exs sisters and every second commercial was a gambling commercial I was like wtf is going on here. When I think about when I was gambling it was weird being in that compulsive place where I just could not stop but almost immediately the moment I decided to change I really flipped the off button in my brain. It definitely helped that I pushed really hard to resolve why I was gambling in the first place. But also cutting those ties with being roped in by the casinos. Those asshole feed off vulnerable people. I’ve wrote about it before how they actually employ psychology based professionals to analyze the behaviors of there players and how to get them to continue playing. Because I was so emotionally broken in that period I literally was a walking bullseye. When the brain is that depressed it does some messed up shit to try and find those happy chemicals. I still have alot of work to do in my therapy and I’m definitely trying my best. Every week I go to my session and do my stepwork with my sponsor to. My life is getting better slowly and there definitely are good and bad days but thats just part of being human. I’m just learning still how to deal with my feelings and emotions. I hate crying I feel like a wimp everytime I do it. Yesterday during the processing part of my emdr I started balling my eyes out and I got mad and said to my counselor why the f*ck did the creator decide to make us “leak” from our eyes its so retarded. Lol I was instantly defensive to being that vulnerable. I was doing processing about my last post and losing my partner to his brain injury. I got angry and deflected immediately saying imagine being severed from your wife and losing that connection and how painful it is. I dont even no why I said that I was just trying to make him understand how much pain I was in with that moment. It definitely made me realize how much connection to another human being signifies. It’s the reason I avoided it all my life. I never wanted to experience this form of pain ever again. The day my mom died when I was 11 was the day I decided I’d never let myself get close to people again. I had that connection with my grandma though and when she died about 4 years ago now that’s when I started going down hill mentally. She was the only person who could hug me and I would reciprocate without being a cardboard cutout. I flinch everytime someone tried but her. I no why I do this its related to my CPTSD from past physical traumas mostly and not trusting anyone in my bubble. I got alot of work to do thats all I no. Recovery is exhausting.

[jvr3419]

I wish I could sit and write positivity all the time and show that that everything’s all sunshine and roses but unfortunately recovery isn’t like that. I’m less interested in portraying an image of being a fully healed person because I dont think I ever will be. Being human in general is a never ending job of healing. I much rather show that I struggle alot to,but it’s how I get through those struggles that really matter. Especially as a recovering addict. At the end of the day as I qoute one of my favorite addiction specialists ” addiction is just a response to human suffering.” -Gabor Mate.

So as of right this moment I’ve cried 3 times since I got home. Why? Because I lost the love of my life not just recently from my addiction but I lost him years ago the day he and I jumped out of an airplane thinking we were having an amazing life experience. I came down he did not. It was a skydiving accident. That moment of sitting there on the ground waiting for him to come down was the worst feeling I’ve ever had. When I found out he was alive, just in alot of danger up in the trees I had some relief. What I didn’t realize was he would never be the same man ever again. His bones healed but his brain didn’t. For the last 4 years I got bombarded with life circumstances so I never had a chance to grieve the fact that he was gone. My friend told me the other day that it’s time I probably fully let him go as he’s not the same person I fell in love with and never will be. No brain specialist will ever be able to correct that. I sat with that thought all week trying to figure out if she was right. Losing that connection to someone is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve struggled with connection to people since I was a kid. He was the first person I truly let my guard down with. He was my safe place but eventually became someone I feared. He still is a good man in some ways but he truthfully terrifies me now with the repercussions of his brain injury. I’m writing this out because I dont want to suppress how I feel today. I don’t want to end up in some cycle of trying to numb out what I’m feeling. Even though I’m getting better at living alone I still feel the sadness off walking in the door and he’s not there everyday. My addiction may be his reason for walking away but I mentally left years ago and he new it because I was fully checked out and sometimes afraid of him. This may not be a gambling issue but its a life issue and it’s a ugly part of recovery that most people want to avoid. The uncomfortable pain of grief and loss of connection. Why I vent my uncomfortable shit out is because it allows me to heal in this moment so that I don’t go and find some addiciton to go and hide behind so I dont have to feel. This is how you heal in recovery, you have to let this stuff out no matter how embarrassing or annoying you feel you are. I’m grateful that I have this opportunity to write because writing is like therapy for me. I’m also grateful for the stepwork I’m doing as I did some last night with my sponsor and it really helped me let some major things out.

[jvr3419]

For some reason I decided to do my research about impulse control issues. Ultimately that’s what this behavior addition can be categorized in. My brain never shuts off so I’m always looking for answers to things. I guess I woke up one more and decided ok why the heck can someone like myself decide to end up in constant addictive cycles. I no I had the cards stacked against me since I was born. My biological father who I don’t no actually no was a severe addict addicted to heroin and my mother had addiction issues and bipolar disorder. I dont tell people this ever but my parents met in a psychiatric ward lol I was kinda doomed from the start. And I guess im writing it out to finally stop hiding that shame that I had no control over. Basically what I understand is genetically,biologically, and environmentally I was set up for my brain to be in a state of chaos and disfunction. In turn I ended up with severe impulse control issues. I suppose I’m learning to forgive myself more for what I’ve done out of understanding myself better. Im not trying to deter from taking responsibility for my own actions at all I just want to sometimes figure out why my brain goes to destructive places so that I can try to at least fix those issues. I obviously new I had issues young that’s why I got away from drugs and alcohol 10 years ago. I guess I thought i had my psychological dependence to thing licked but my damaged brain has decided that’s not the case.I new the moment this addiction got bad that I had become to complacent and let my recovery guard down. I remeber seeing people after 10 years go out in my NA program and I never thought it would be me. I still never used drugs or drank again thankfully but to me gambling destroyed me worse in my short stint with is then the substances ever did. Probably because I’m 34 now and had worked towards more in my life to lose. But I can’t look back at this massive mistake in my life I have to continue to move forward which I am. I have 122 days gamble free and I’m really grateful for that. It’s alot of work and it’s not something you can avoid you get what you put into it. Im still clean from all addictions and behaviors right now because I’m not willing to run from my impulse control issues I’m facing everything dead on and constantly trying to remind myself to not let my guard down.

[jvr3419]

That’s great kin glad your on the right track.

I dont have alot to talk about these days as I’ve been talking to alot of my friends and I had my therapy appointment on Friday so whatever was swirling in my heads been let out. I just find I’m in a much more simple and chaotic free life now so I’m ok. I’m paying my debt, I’m saving money, I’ve rid myself of being haunted by past trauma, I’ve kept myself away from chaotic relationships,which helps alot. I’ve let go of daily life stressors in terms of not having expectations or trying to control things. I don’t avoid my feelings or things that bother me I let it out in the moment or talk to someone about things and move on. I don’t take others abusive or toxic behaviors to heart because ive worked on what triggers me and why. I always had triggers from aggressive males because of things that happened in my life but I dont let that consume me anymore. I spend time alone now and I was never alone I haven’t been ever actually. This is the first time in my life I come home to just me and my dog and at first it was hard but now it’s nice because I realize there’s zero conflict and I can do whatever I want when I want without having to worry about how my partner feels if I go out and do something without him. I’m generally happy and I stopped comparing myself to other people. I dont look at happily married people with a family and go that should be me I just think I’m happy for them, I don’t think I’m a POS for no longer owning a big house, or not looking physically better like when I was in my 20s. I’ve accepted where I’m at all around and thats a very hard place to reach so I’m really grateful for that. I literally am just going day by day and living in each moment which is really nice. I’ve never known what it was like to not feel depressed but I can finally say I’m not for once in my life and for that I’m extremely grateful.

[jvr3419]

Hi dark energy for some reason I can’t see your posts on here but I hope your well and just wanted to let you no im routing for ya ?

[jvr3419]

Hi Kin thanks for sharing your posts. I always loved that wolf teaching I was taught that when I was little.

I’m doing better still have foggy brain and some ear issues but I’m able to breathe better and I’ve retained my energy back. My work actually paid me for the sick days off I had as here in Canada they mandated everyone get 5 days paid sick leave now since everyone was applying for covid relief so that was nice to see on my paycheck.

And how are you doing these days?

[jvr3419]

Im so sorry risingphoenix your fur baby was so lucky to have someone that loved them so much. Wishing you lots of healing vibes through this time.

[jvr3419]

Thanks kin always loved drew shes definitely an idol of mine.

I totally understand brenda01 the good ol making an ass out of u and me. Its the worst especially after you have time to process those amazing psychic abilities. I hate when I do that but it happens frequently in my life. I’m super hard on myself especially after this addiction. I have a horrible tendency to assume people think the worst of me especially my exes family and friends. I’m not stupid though I understand the judgement and automatic negative comments there going to say because that’s just what people do when they no someone they love is feeling hurt. But what I forget is that with time to process that stuff people eventually see the bigger picture and try to understand why people like us end up in an addiction like gambling. I do think about why we go to this place of assumption though and I feel it has to do with our brains learned hardwiring. We have so much to process on a daily basis that I think it’s just automatic. Our brains save energy by making assumptions.We go off past experience. So in new situations we’re just relaying these patterns or thoughts to that situation. It’s hard not to worry what others think of us either. We’re already in this horrible place of guilt and shame so its only natural to feel our self esteem rear It’s ugly head into our own unconscious thoughts. I myself am trying to find peace with myself to not care what others think of me. Really it doesn’t matter at the end of the day because nobody is living our life but us. I’ve been choosing to no longer listen to my inner dialoge because that voice is bad shit crazy lol.

[jvr3419]

Unrealistic expectations can happen in so many ways like looking to others for self validation, making assumptions, expecting change to be instant or when beliefs are pushed onto others and then disappointment occurs when they don’t act the way we think they should. These things trigger me immensely when others do it to me I no that.

Expecting someone else to make me happy has occured many times throughout my life both on my end and on my partners end. However, I have changed that perspective and now no I only get that from myself. And I cannot do it for someone else either that is there own responsibility

Assuming others know what you’re thinking is something that drives me up the wall. My boss does this constantly and it always ends up negatively for everyone around. To me its just a form of control. Im not perfect though I have answered “nothing” when asked “what is wrong?” all the time and have felt disappointment admittingly when the person doesn’t no what’s up.

Believing people should agree with my perspective. I can’t say that I haven’t done this. I’m ashamed that I’ve gone to that place before. It happens mostly in relationships unconsciously. I realize we all have our own ideas and sides to things and ive always been able to see both sides to the coin. However,not everyone will want to see my side or perspective and it’s just a matter of excepting that.

Thinking I can change someone else. I swear this is a woman’s curse. I admitingly have ended up in everyone one of my relationships thinking I can help guide and change defects in my partners. I’m not proud of it. I’ve also been on the reciprocating end of it constantly to so I understand the frustration of it. This is my biggest goal to prevent and change the cycle of in my life today.

My grandma used to tell me to look at the waves of the ocean and attach my worries and expectations to them. And watch as they move into the wave and then wash away. Probably why I’ve always felt so calm living near the water I have a sense of peace and calmness just sitting watching the waves or even surfing in them for that matter.

[jvr3419]

Hi noddyshead welcome and good on you for taking the first step to your recovery. It takes alot to admit we need help so just for that you deserve a gold star ? ?. It’s not an easy road ahead but it does get better with alot of hard work and willingness. We are here for you and im wishing you lots of strength.

[jvr3419]

Welcome pharcyde,

I want to commend you for your courage to take this first step in recovery. It’s a hard road and it’s natural to be full of fear about what lies ahead. I just finished writing on my thread about fear actually I was full of it when I started out this new journey. It’s hard and it’s painful but I promise you its well worth the process of finding yourself and healing. Wishing you lots of strength ?

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