[jvr3419]

Hi nkalei79 thanks for your message and for being able to get through my novel posts lol. I no things are scarey in the beginning of recovery its only natural to be afraid of what the outcome could be from the damage we did. Being honest though is the only thing that can set you free from the sick addict part of this problem/disease or whatever you want to call it. Getting some supports is going to be really important for you right now. And keep writing even if it’s hard to be vulnerable it’s important. I’m a prime example of just letting it fly. I don’t hold back because I don’t really care what anyone thinks of me. At first I was embarrassed for my long posts but I realized its not for anyone else but myself so I can heal. Wishing you lots of strength ?

[jvr3419]

Today I’m super exhausted I’m trying to do more than I’m capable of. I can’t get any help at work because we don’t have the man power and everything I’m working on is super heavy metal thats alot of physical work. Now that I’m In a foreman position I’m expected to take on everything and that’s fine but sometimes we need help but there’s just not enough skilled workers where I live. Im super strong and capable but im still a woman and my muscle strength isnt that of a guy and I no that, but I hold my own as long as I can.I can’t get any help working on my cottage either as everyone I no is struggling working to much and tired so I’m stuck doing everything myself. I’m trying to do repairs and paint the cottage I’m moving into which has become a nightmare since the last tenant destroyed it. I dropped to my knees about an hour ago trying to prime one of the rooms for painting I’m so physically spent I was about to get sick. I’m pushing myself because I have to have my stuff out of storage by the end of May. The last tenant put up a fight for the last 5 months and still hasn’t removed all the hoarded garbage. I spend 5 days straight removing it to outside. I’m happy that I’m skilled trades wise so I can do things myself but it’s tough. These are the times that I wish I had a guy around to help. I’d ask my ex but he’s being a jerk again and has switched personalitie. We were on good terms but his brain injury makes him turn into different people kind of like dissociative identity disorder. That in itself is exhausting for me to deal with so I’m keeping my distance from him. These are the days that I have to just accept that I’m doing the best I can. And I need to rest or I’m going to be completely useless. Even being physically as fit as I am can fail when I over work myself and I have to just let myself stop to recuperate. Having an addict brain makes it hard to just rest especially when I no I got 5 million things to do but I have to practice my spirtual principles to calm my mind down. When I used to get overwhelmed and exhausted like this it made me want to gamble in the past. I don’t feel that way now but I still feel I need to talk about what’s going on with myself so that in an off moment my brain doesn’t go to those thoughts. One day at a time.

[jvr3419]

Hi brenda01 I actually live on an island where the only way off is by boat or plane so I understand your statement to some degree. If your feeling alone while trying to recover its important to try and find some supports. Because I was in recovery from other addictions I already had met people through 12 step programs and built a support network that way. The gambling support is harder if there isn’t GA meetings but there is so many forms of addiction support out there. There also is the option off trying the online meetings. Are you seeing a counselor at all? You mentioned you had a son in recovery maybe he nos of some groups or people that can be support for you as well? All else were all here on this forum to. It takes a bit to get used to writing but it really does help. Just getting those thoughts out whatever they may be negative, postive, or whatever will help your head feel clear and you’ll also no there’s people reading it and cheering you on.

[jvr3419]

Hey nak311 your story sounds similar to mine. My gambling started 2 years ago as well for various reasons. I’m around the same age as you to so I get the devastating loss of being alone at our age from the addiction. My partner left to but in ny case it was a good thing. However I get that lonliness feeling but don’t let it take you out again as I’ve seen that happen many times to people. I’m glad to here your getting professional help and have been honest with the people in your life that’s the hardest part. If you haven’t already its super important to get yourself banned and put blockers up for those online casinos you played on that will help alot to not be able to relapse. It’s a hard road but I promise the healing part of this gets better in time. I was told many times in the last 10 years( I’m in recovery for susbstances to) to be alone for awhile to get healed from addiction because it’s a messy process to drag someone else into to. You got this and were here for you just keep writing and getting things out as we cant do this alone that’s for sure. Wishing you lots of strength.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by jvr3419.

[jvr3419]

Hi Maverick I commend you on getting vulnerable and open with us here. It’s not easy to do at all but in truth it may save your life. I’m sorry to hear of your health scare and glad your doing better now. I hope that you keep posting and allowing yourself to be open more. It’s that connection to people that gives us the opportunity to change our ways and what better place to do it but with like minded individuals. Wishing you a speedy recovery in both aspects.

[jvr3419]

Hi sammy24 sorry I just saw your post on my thread I hope that you were able to get open and honest with the person you were dealing with. I no its a hard process but once that can of worms is open it starts the healing process.

I haven’t had much to say the last few days as I’m doing ok right now. I’m doing my stepwork tonight with my sponsor. I saw my counselor on Monday so im pretty clear headed right now. I booked a 5 day vacation for June to use up my flights that I had to cancel from getting covid so I have something to look forward to now. I’m taking charge of my shop in a few days so I’ll have less stress at work from my grumpy boss being around other than trying to fufill a major workload. I got to weld all day today so I was by myself and got to relax a bit so it was nice. I didn’t go to any negative places with my thoughts sometimes I tend to wander when welding but I was more concentrated which isn’t normal for me. Thats a good sign I like that my brain is able to not be so depressed and jumping from a million different thoughts. Whatever I’m doing is working I’m more peaceful which is really nice. I’m at 140 days gamble free so thats a great feeling to. I have alot to be grateful for today.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by jvr3419.

[jvr3419]

Getting an accepting help is the hardest part of recovery. I found until I was fully honest about my addiction to the people in my life it just kept continuing. I didn’t have long periods of gambling mine was more really bad binges in a 2 year span but the damage I did in a short time was enough to ruin who I was inside and out. I recommend getting a counselor and a sponsor to help you do step work. You definitely will need those supports. Wishing you lots of strength

[jvr3419]

Today usually is a triggering and upsetting day for me just because of what it symbolizes but I chose to make it easier on myself and not go to a bad place with it. Yesterday I made a day of giving back to people. I got my aunt flowers to show her she’s appreciated even if we conflict with each other. She had a big dinner for her careaid and handymans family so I went and managed to sit with 20 strangers and forced myself to be vulnerable I have a hard time being around alot of strangers but I did ok. I also spend the day with my best friend and we went and found a stick for me so I can start using my drum my sponsor gifted me. In my culture its called a medicine quest when you go and search for plant medicines. The stick must come from nature to be more meaningful. There is a spirtual element and ceremony type process to getting the stick so it was a good experience and being in nature to. I took my friend for lunch to thank her for being there with me. I also went to a coffee shop and bought some strangers in line coffee just feeling like being nice to people. And then I suprised my dad and stepmom with dinner that I ordered through an app and got it sent to there house where they live. There in a different province than me and I felt like doing something nice for my stepmom. By doing these random acts i felt like it was a good way to get out of myself. I’ve always been giving to others and it’s always made me feel better. I have the money now to do it so why not. I’ve saved alot of money since I quit gambling so what I do have I want to share more. I wish that I would of did that with the money I lost gambling but thats in the past now. I did my stepwork on Friday night with my sponsor and I had some really profound moments doing it. Because the steps I’m doing are different this time I get to learn more teachings and things I’ve lost about myself that pertain to ny culture. I’m really enjoying them and there showing better values that I need in my life. There was a column in one of the readings that discussed what trational native values used to be vs the European influenced values. And one of those comparisons was non materialism vs the European value which was being materialistic. I said to ny sponsor that gambling was never about money for me at all. I actually didn’t want all the money I did have that’s probably why I’m giving what I have away now so freely. I don’t need alot of stuff in my life. I don’t need alot of money either I could care less as long as I have what I need to survive I’m ok. When I really think about it gambling was more like an extremely expensive video game to me. The escape and reward system that was activated in my head was what made me become addicted. I also learned that there is a part of the brain that gets hyperactivated during gambling that creates distorted thinking process. This leads us to see patterns in random sequneces and continues us gambling. I’ve been told that women tend to lean to gambling more for the emotional escape like I feel I did. Anyways today I’m grateful for my new recovery journey. And I’m grateful for the new people im meeting and allowing myself to be seen by.

[jvr3419]

“There is a steep price to pay for addiction. You may put on or lose weight, experience health problems, lose a lot of money, and destroy relationships. But your reasoning may be that nothing made you feel happy in the past anyway, and, at least for a short time, your addiction does”. This just popped up in something I was reading and I couldn’t help but feel that last sentence so deeply. Literally nothing was making me happy anymore when I started gambling. Even though my times were brief with it they were insanely destructive. The moment I was hooked for the first 2 weeks when I couldn’t stop it was the only thing that made me literally feel anything. And again the same thing when I gambled for 2 months straight last year I was so fd up emotionally and wanted to not be here anymore that gambling was the only thing that made me feel anything at all. That’s why I got so hooked I don’t even think I felt happy per say gambling I just felt high as a kite which at that time was better than the feelings of pain and internal emotional suffering that was going on for me. I told my counselor that I think I would of honestly offed myself if I hadn’t been gambling for those 2 months it may have sickly saved my life but it also destroyed what life I did have at the same time. The hardest part for me is I did seek professional help but I had an extremely bad psychologist who dismissed me. She just wanted her 90 bucks a session but she was unwilling to help me with my trauma. I still dont understand why. But not my problem to think about now. The fact that I was trying to get help tells me something inside of me was still fighting. The problem was the addiction got to strong and overtook what little willpower I had left. The last day I gambled I sat inside a bathroom on the floor of my exs sisters house contemplating drowning myself in the bathtub. The only thing that saved me in that moment was the little girls(exs neices) in the house were yelling my name to come play with them they opened the door and my dog came running in licking my face. Those kids and dog saved my life that day. That moment changed me for good. Seeing those kids so innocent and happy to want to play and my dog running to me like I was his everything made me pick my ass up and realize I had to keep fighting for myself. Yes I lost my relationship but it was doomed already so it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I’m getting a second chance at life. I’ve made a promise to myself that I deserve good things and I deserve a happy life so I gotta put that work in to make it happen.

[jvr3419]

Definitely a cool story thanks for sharing. I went down the drugs and alcohol path to. Not as bad but luckily I quit all that at 24. I’ve seen alot of stories like his in the recovery rooms over the years. Maybe not as financial successful but much better lives come out of good recovery. It’s definitely possible with hard work and discipline.

[jvr3419]

Hey vintagehoby to answer your question life has gotten alot better for me because I put alot of effort into my recovery. Cleaning up the mess is taking a bit longer but thats part of the process. I was just reading about what you said about being tempted. The only thing that works is the blockers you have to remove yourself from anyway of gambling. It takes quite a few weeks to get through that withdrawl/temptation stage so you really have to force yourself to make sure you can’t gamble again. I understand how hard it is we’ve all been through it. It was the same when I quit drinking and doing drugs I had to stay away from people,places,and things that associate with those. Same goes for gambling. That’s what’s harder for us is we are all attached to our phones like flies on shit these days lol. But having a phone with easy access means putting those barriers in place like the ones losingitslowly mentioned. If you don’t your gonna continue this cycle over and over.

[jvr3419]

Hey darkenergy I just saw a few posts you wrote and I’m so happy to see you writing alot and your posts show you get what’s going on with yourself. If I recall were about the same age so I feel alot of hope for you as we both still have a chance to make a decent life for ourselves. You got this my friend keep it up ?

[jvr3419]

Hey vintagehoby glad to see your back to. Just keep writing and hope you can find some other resources to help you get through this. Writing here definitely helps me stay accountable. Sometimes I sound like a broken record but it gets the shit out of my head and keeps me one day more away from gambling. You no what you gotta do it’s just going to take some time and effort on your part. We’re here for you to and that support helps alot. Wishing you lots of strength

[jvr3419]

Thanks for what you said Kin. Recovery is about what you put into it that’s for sure. Some days are insanely hard because emotions like to run rampant for someone like myself. I’ve been through alot of things in my life. To be honest the bad outways the good but I’m hoping with me pushing so hard to get myself healed from complex PTSD I will start having a better life and attract more positive experiences. Unfortunately when people have been extremely traumatized like myself unconsciously we attract the same cycles but I’m trying to break that now. Every addiction I’ve had was trying to mask the pain I was in. I’m still in pain but I’m better than I was. I’m facing things instead of running away from it. Playing victim to my life circumstances isn’t serving me any purpose, and it just keeps leading me to this self destructing place. When I was young I wanted to be a professional dancer (not a stripper to clarify lol). But I ruined that opportunity do to my lack of confidence and partying antics. I mention this because I took alot of wrong turns trying to run from myself. I have accomplished goals like going to college 3 times but I’m never settled. I always want to no more or learn different things because I get bored in my careers. I never thought I’d be a sheet metal/metal fabricator but here I am lol. I got the opportunity to run my companys shop now for awhile which is a huge step for me. I’m the only female in my company and the only female journeymen they’ve ever had so its pretty crazy for me to think about. The fact that I got my ticket during the early days of my gambling recovery amazes the crap out of me. But my brains already wanting a career change lol. Now I’m thinking of learning more trades just to be more well rounded. My goal is to get my automotive ticket as well. Ive wanted to build custom cars from the ground up since I was a little girl. Hopefully now that my heads clear I can do that before my body decides it hates hard labor. 4 years ago I was a careaid, and a mental health worker it blows my mind that I did a 360 to a man’s world career but it was a challenge. I almost gave up during my gambling stint in my current career because I was so depressed all the time and I get abused alot at work so I couldn’t deal with anything. But now I handle my triggers better so its easier dealing with a crazy old man that screams and belittles all day. I’m just grateful for the opportunities I have now and the goals in my recovery and my professional life.

[jvr3419]

Hey dark energy. I’m glad you realize.you can’t do it alone that’s a really important step in recovery. Getting honest is also really important to heal from addiction. I was upfront with my partner and my friends right away about my addiction within the first 2 weeks I noticed gambling became a problem 2 years ago. That helped me stay away from it before I had my 2 month relapse last year. Because people new they were able to help see my behaviors which forced me to get more help than what i already tried. Keeping it to ourselves is part of still being in the sick cycle. I did tell my family eventually but it took me a bit because i was afraid of the backlash and shame. They were more supportive than I thought and it forced me to look more at what was causing such destructive behaviors in very short periods of time. Addiction is harder to stop the longer it progresses as we all no. But telling someone close is definitely part of the healing process.

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