[jvr3419]

Well it’s been almost 3 years coming up since my total destructive faze occured. My life is definitely not perfect but it’s alot better in terms of how I manage it. Recently I got a message saying my biological father passed away. This ignited alot of my grief and trauma as most stressful things do with people that have cptsd or trauma backgrounds. I’ve been doing the work in my 12 step programs and with my grief support group to keep my emtional state in tact. Early this year my friend and I started a grief support group in our area. We both found there wasn’t enough resources for people like us that have had alot of loss. This group has grown and we have such an amazing group of people that constantly help one another. This has helped me so much to stay away from my addictive tendencies. I now have money saved and am able to give some away to help friends who are struggling. I was able to put together a xmas hamper of presents for my friends child as she doesn’t have the finances. And give to some other friends who just had to fork out 10 grand for there dogs vet bills. Being able to put my money towards helping people rather than giving it to bullshit casinos to feed my emotionally mangled brain is so much better. I’m not running from myself anymore I feel everything I need to and channel whatever I’m going through into much better places. I’ve gotten to step 8 with my stepgroup which has taken almost all year but that once a week group of actually doing the work has helped save my life. Being vulnerable being in the different support groups I’m in takes alot of courage but it’s the only thing that helps keep me out of self centered ways. Being an addict is a daily struggle for anyone. We’ve learned to escape our pain by using euphoric resources. It’s a human problem for sure some of us lucky ones escape the curse with hard work and surrender. Others still fight the daily battle but I hope that those of us that make it out can shed that light on those still stuck in those dark places. I cant emphasize it enough you can’t do this shit alone you need connection and other people. And for many of us trusting others doesn’t come naturally or easy. But I no this process works because I’m living it. I may not post again for awhile so I wish everyone that reads this a good rest of the year and send positive vibes your way. ❤️

[jvr3419]

I haven’t wrote here for awhile but my recovery is still in full force. I’m still working in a step group which has really helped me this year. My credit score went up finally last month and it felt like a victory after I completely destroyed it when I was in my addiction. One thing I try to keep reminding myself is that my recovery is not a race it’s something that is a slow progress of growth day by day. Some days are tougher that others but I get to choose how to overcome those in a more productive and manageable way. Sometimes it means alot of self talk and processing my emotions in a more healthy way. I’ve definitely learned most of my triggers which lead to my addictive tendencies. I think the most difficult one is when I feel alone, or afraid of the unknown. Basically anything that makes me feel less control really. Those are the times I have to fight myself alot to not want to numb myself out. The uncomfortable feelings are brutal and fighting myself to actually just stay present and feel it is most definitely a challenge. That being said there’s an immense power in being able to regulate your emtional state it’s one of the hardest things to do as a human I feel. Unless your a monk who has mastered that level of unconcious awareness and peace lol.

I just saw this qoute that was super awesome for anyone starting out and it said “people don’t change until staying the same is more painful.” That can’t resignate enough of what early recovery means. You reach a point where the pain of the addiction is more painful than the feelings/emotions your running from.

[jvr3419]

I haven’t posted for a bit because of all the spam on here I found it frustrating to deal with as well. This forum is really important for me though and I need to stay in touch to be accountable because it doesn’t take long for me to slip into old thinking patterns. I’ve had a tremendous amount of stress recently and I’m also trying to work through a set of steps and doing a grief support group so it brings up alot of stuff constantly for me. My brain definitely goes to wanting to escape from all the feelings that those things are dredging up. Also I’m in a separation period from my partner till he receives more psychological help so its left me on my own for awhile which can be dangerous for me because I struggle with being alone to long and my mind will start to wander to much at home. Luckily I keep pretty busy but my downtime before bed is where I can start getting using thoughts sometimes because I’m uncomfortable or sad. I’ve managed to obstain from using substances or gambling luckily but it hasn’t been without a fight in my head that’s for sure. I just keep pushing myself to connect with others especially healthy people. I’ve become close with people who are geared towards self improvement. I’m still chipping away at my debt but I am getting out of the hole I dug myself into. I now have a really good savings that will cover a down payment for a morgage and some extra for maybe going back to school to change careers in a few years. Im working on a good project right now in my trade and have received a good raise so I dont want to switch careers just yet but I will eventually. My bodies taking a good beating being in the construction world and being a female I no its gonna kick my butt in my 40s so I’m glad that I’ve saved some cash to change careers once I hit that age. I just have to keep working a solid recovery program so I dont mess that up for myself but I have trust that I can.

[jvr3419]

I’ve been doing a step group for awhile now and its been nice because there’s another female that struggles with gambling. I’ve been able to help her a bit to see her behaviors through my experiences so its been nice to give back which is what recovery is ultimately about. I’m also doing a grief support group which has helped me heal alot of stuff that I needed to with losses ive endured in the last few years. I no that I can’t stay complacent in my life if there’s things that I need to work on I have to actually do that work. Sitting around just hoping things will disappear on there own just doesn’t work for me. I end up trying to escape at any level of discomfort and I usually end of destroying myself everytime. I’m so grateful for my recovery today.

[jvr3419]

Hey Kin those are hard questions to ask ourselves. I no for me that listening to myself the majority of the time gets me in trouble. My head always steers me in the wrong direction and my heart wants to fix the world so I always get led to the places I don’t belong. The concept of something outside ourselves like a “higher power” is a tough thing for me still till this day to process managing my life. However, it’s the only time I don’t screw up in my own life when I say just let it go and I’ll usually look up and say the serenity prayer. I no that as an addict I can’t control things because my rational mind isn’t as rational as I’d like to think. I consider myself fairly intelligent,as are most addicts I no but we have a glitch inside our brains that doesn’t make good life choices. Whether it be engaging in addictions or bad behaviors to elevate uncomfortable emotional instability in ourselves.I’d always say trust your intuition though as that’s a survival button we all have for a reason. The key is surrendering control. People hate hearing that recovery jargon but it’s the truth. The only successful people I’ve seen quit there addictions are the ones that constantly surrender there unhealthy control issues. It’s hard because we’re human it’s built into our egos to have control but the spirtual aspect we adopt helps us let that part soften.

[jvr3419]

Hi Kin those are all really good questions to ask ourselves. I’m glad to hear your looking at the things that can help you stay on the right path. Recovery is alot of constant research and learning. Even people with 20+ years are constantly learning new things and those people inspire me the most because they always have new ways or important messages to share. I was in a meeting last night where the focus was on blame. I needed to hear that we tend to focus alot on our external world for why we act as we do. When really it comes down to us making the choices we are. We can grown up in alot of trauma and disfunction but at the end of the day we choose to use our negative vices to cope. Nobody puts a gun to our head to Gamble, or use substances, or practice other bad behaviors. We addicts do that ourselves and make the choice to. I always had a reason for why I was doing what I was. Like if only I didn’t have these bad things happen, or these people didn’t hurt me the way they did or blah blah blah (insert victim mentality here). The only person to blame for anything that happens to me for the most part is me. Some things I can’t control like how others behavior or actions are but I chose how I handle those senerios at the end of the day. Do I use my addictions at it or do I chose to go about my life in recovery and face my emotions and feelings dead on.

[jvr3419]

Hi Kin those are all really good questions to ask ourselves. I’m glad to hear your looking at the things that can help you stay on the right path. Recovery is alot of constant research and learning. Even people with 20+ years are constantly learning new things and those people inspire me the most because they always have new ways or important messages to share. I was in a meeting last night where the focus was on blame. I needed to hear that we tend to focus alot on our external world for why we act as we do. When really it comes down to us making the choices we are. We can grown up in alot of trauma and disfunction but at the end of the day we choose to use our negative vices to cope. Nobody puts a gun to our head to Gamble, or use substances, or practice other bad behaviors. We addicts do that ourselves and make the choice to. I always had a reason for why I was doing what I was. Like if only I didn’t have these bad things happen, or these people didn’t hurt me the way they did or blah blah blah (insert victim mentality here). The only person to blame for anything that happens to me for the most part is me. Some things I can’t control like how others behavior or actions are but I chose how I handle those senerios at the end of the day. Do I use my addictions at it or do I chose to go about my life in recovery and face my emotions and feelings dead on.

[jvr3419]

Sounds like you’ve done alot of research to learn about these topics. That’s awesome, it’s not easy to look at these things at all. It takes alot of willingness to dive into this part of recovery and its certainly not comfortable. But self awareness is the most important part of becoming a healthy version of ourselves. I admire your willingness and courage to never give up and you also have the ability to hear other people. One of the most stubborn parts of being an addict sometimes is the self centered approach to not listening to others but you seem to take in the things that you no are going to help you. You may have had set backs like many of us have. But you have more integrity than alot of people I’ve met in recovery and that’s admirable.

[jvr3419]

Hi Kin I feel for you with what you just experienced. I no how hard it is to feel that defeat giving in to our addictive tendencies. But just no your not alone in this struggle. We can get up and try again that’s the best part. You wrote on my feed about having to process something regarding what I mentioned about what causes a dry drunk episode. Is there anything I can help explain to make it easier to process? Or is there some form of support that we fellow Gambling addicts can help you with to smooth this journey for you? I notice your very active on these pages helping and supporting others. So thats why I’m asking what is it that you need from others to?

[jvr3419]

Hey kin ya those are definitely some key points to causing it. Id say the most prevelant thing is some form of emotional dysregulated state. Basically things that cause a distress to the deep rooted unhealed parts of ourselves. Disconnection is a huge one to. People that pull away from recovery and try to just do it without any form of help. But really it all comes down to the emotional part of our brains. That’s why there’s a huge component talked about in recovery about maintaining your emotional sobriety. People can be abstinent but there not really recovering. That’s why healing past traumas,learning to cope with difficult emotions, and learning to connect with humans is so vital for a healthy recovery. It’s hard we instinctively want to escape and not be hurt by others. The majority of people I’ve met in recovery have had extreme trust issues and have been so severely hurt by other people they’ve just learned to be on there own as a survival mechanism. But we need others.

[jvr3419]

I feel like one thing that doesn’t get discussed alot is that every addict I’ve ever known has distinct personality changes. The Dr.jeckel Mr hyde syndrome. It doesn’t just change once you stop your addiction either alot of times it actually gets worse. There is a term used called dry drunk syndrome which can be applied to any type of addict. It’s really hard to watch it occurring with others the worse is when it happens to yourself. Because ive been in a dry drunk state before I can speak on it. When I started gambling thats when I became this other demon version of myself. I had 10 years clean and sober when I switched into this other person. It’s scary and it’s from not dealing with deep rooted psychological and emotional distress. Alot of people white knuckle recovery. And that’s when the addict person is the most dangerous. The superiority,controlling, aggression, anger,entitlement, self centeredness is at its highest at these times. Its usually like watching an adolescent try to deal with life. People around you will tell you that your harming them but you won’t listen because your stuck in this F everyone mindset. It’s terrifying to be that person because you think your fine when your really out of your mind and should be in a looney bin. I’ve been on both sides of the equation my whole life. I’ve been abused by dry drunks but also I’ve been one myself. The only thing I’ve ever seen actually keep people from switching between the demon and the good side of themselves is doing extremely thorough emotional work on themselves. Usually what I’ve seen help the most is therapy and 12 stepwork combined. Learning emotional regulation is so important to having a healthy recovery.

[jvr3419]

Today was a tough day of emotions. A man on my site had decided to climb up to the 5th floor of the building I work on and jump off. He was a fellow construction worker. My entire site shyt down and was in shock flooded with cops. I had a really tough time as the man dropped a few feet away outside the suite I was working in. It brought up alot of stuff for me. Mostly the empathy I have to someone being in that much pain and despair. I no when I was in my addiction and even times during my sobriety I’ve felt that low. It gave me a huge jolt today and reminded that those dark times one can go through can really destroy others around us. I literally saw over a 100 men go somber over this man jumping. I had a few hugging me for comfort being the only female around they didn’t no how to handle the sadness of seeing someone get to that point in life. I tried to comfort people but I was frozen in shock. Us addicts get to a point of just not wanting to go through pain anymore it’s why we use whatever addiction it is we have. I hate knowing that others suffer like this man. There is a way to make life more barable that I do no. Today definitely make me see I need to push harder to be positive even when I feel shitty. I don’t want anyone to ever have to take that energy of pain in for me like we all had to do today for that man. For anyone reading this there is so much help out there to never have to get to the point of what happened today.

[jvr3419]

That’s great to hear Kin. I find it’s the only thing that seems to keep me in check. If I feel myself mentally slipping I no its time to start putting pen to paper. Meetings are a bandaid for me. I find that they don’t really have the affect they did when I was first starting recovery. But the stepwork helps me alot. It’s the getting out the stuff spinning in my head and finding solutions for it. The same thing therapy does more a less. Only I think that its the actual writing it out that makes it feel more released and resolved for me. I can talk till I’m blue in the face about my issues but they’re still there. I’ve had to sometimes put the same issues again on stepwork because they still manifest into my life again and that’s fine to me as long as I’m facing it.

[jvr3419]

The other day my sponsor called me to ask if I wanted to start another step group so I agreeded. We had started one last year but never finished it do to a death in my sponsors family. She asked me if I was willing to take a cake for my 12 years of sobriety and I said I didn’t want to. I haven’t taken one since I gambled those few years ago. She told me I still haven’t forgiven myself obviously for the behavior relapse I had during that time I started gambling. I told her I guess not because even attending meetings where my ex husband and all the people I no makes me want to run for the hills. He had told most of the people we new in the recovery community what I had done. That made it so I felt really uncomfortable in most meetings in our town. My sponsor tried to tell me that over her 20 years she’s seen so many people mess up in many different ways and that I’m not the first to fall into gambling even with long term sobriety. She hopes that doing a new full set of steps will help me to fully forgive myself. I thought I had as best I could but if I’m being really honest with myself I still hate what happened everyday. The pushing myself every single day in a job thats literally killing my body when I could of used my momey I used gambling to change careers or even travel more eats at me. I try so hard to stay positive and push past the feels of anger at myself but it seems to creep back from time to time. I don’t no if the shame ever fully goes away but I no that I manage to pull myself through better. Inam rebuilding what I lost and it’s slow as hell but at least I have savings today. I’ve been saving since the day I quit gambking and every month it grows a little bit. I haven’t touched it once in 2 years. I guess that’s the part that makes me sad sometimes is to see what was once financial freedom become me desperately trying to repair that again. I hope that doing the steps again will help me fix that broken part in me.

[jvr3419]

Hey kin thanks for the last post those are good reminders.

I’ve been doing really well. I’ve changed my diet a bit which has helped me alot lately. I’m already a vegetarian and eat pretty clean but during the winter holidays I ate a ton of sugar and it really made me feel frumpy and not so energetic. I’ve cut processed sugars out of my diet and I’ve increased my energy by 100%. I’ve been hiking an hour before work every morning. Which sometimes I regret because I work in a highly physical job but it’s worth it to feel better. The weekends I usually spend a full day exploring a new place, we have a ton of waterfalls where I live so I’ve been trying to make a goal of seeing something I haven’t on my days off. My partner is doing really well to so that part of my life is more positive which helps me alot. I started paying more debt down in the last 2 months so that’s helped me feel more confident as well. After hitting the couple year mark it’s about maintaining recovery so I no I have to be diligent and follow a healthy regime to keep me from becoming depressed and complacent. Tommorrow is my 12 years of being drug and alcohol free so im feeling a bit emotional to that but im proud ive been able to obstain this long even through my gambling mishap.

I do need to work more on finding more positive people in my life which is a struggle sometimes. But I’m doing ok.

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