[justonee]

Day 19. I’m still having many sleepless nights thinking about how one simple action to stop could have changed everything for me. I talked aloud and told myself I got lucky and not to press my luck and just walk away with the huge jackpot, convincing myself that I was destined to win a jackpot to have a happy holiday and fresh start to the new year. The maddening thoughts of a compulsive gambler.

It’s insanity to think that in 12 hours, I lost 2 years of salary. I used to think $3/spin on an online slot machine was a lot and there I was doing $100-$200 spins. High limit slots are no joke, it’s dangerous.

Since that awful night, I’ve closed two credit cards and had two reduced to minimum limits. I’ve also been to two therapy sessions and two GA meetings, but I still feel numb. I know I need to be patient with myself and to take it one day at a time. Some days are harder than others.

[justonee]

Hello, Cruising247. Good luck in your recovery as well. One day at a time!

[justonee]

Sorry to hear tomodog. This addiction is awful! It’s day 19 for me and despite the self-loathing and painful experience, I still have urges to chase. Listening to podcasts about gambling addiction has been helpful. One day at a time.

[justonee]

Day 7. One day at a time. Urges are there to chase the losses. Still ruminating about the life-changing amount of money that I had, but couldn’t walk away with. Feeling bored, restless and irritable. Quitting is hard. Being a gambling addict is harder. Saving money is hard. Being in financial distress is harder.

[justonee]

Hi Monica1,
Thank you for the note. I’m sorry to hear about your health woes. Please take care!

[justonee]

Day 1. Still couldn’t get a good sleep last night as I kept replaying what happened over the weekend and how I couldn’t stop myself. I don’t think I’m going to be able to forget the win and the loss. I keep looking at my bank account and wishing it didn’t play out as it did. I wish I was able to walk away with the massive jackpot win and see that amount in my bank account and feel happy. It’s going to take me at least 5 years to save up that amount that I had won. I was in a bad emotional state last night and called my-ex to come over and I told him everything. He couldn’t believe that I had not only won such a life-changing amount, but couldn’t understand how I lost it all. I don’t either. I have an initial consultation later today with a psychotherapist that I hope will be able to help. It seems hard to find someone who specializes in gambling addiction. I also plan to join in a group chat later tonight that’s with a counsellor. One day at a time.

[justonee]

I wish the same thing – that I never placed that first bet 17 years ago. I am still struggling with this addiction and trying not to think about the losses over the many years. The gambling sites make it so easy to bet and reverse withdrawals and now we are constantly bombarded with gambling ads on radio and TV with celebrities that it’s a struggle to not have urges. My family also does not know about my addiction and because of language barrier, I can never go to my parents for help. I hope we both can find a way to overcome this illness.

[justonee]

Fast forward to 2022. It’s now 5 years since I last posted and things have not improved. If anything, I hit rock bottom this past weekend as my bets since 2017 have gone through the roof. The small bets and wins of $1K no longer did anything for me. I needed the bigger wins, which meant I was spending a lot more to chase the thrills.

On the weekend, I won a hefty jackpot, 5-figures from placing the max bet, but instead of walking away with what would have been a downpayment towards a house, I ended up losing it all plus a lot more in credit cards, $27K. I was already planning on how to spend the money I made, and so it was the worst feeling in the world when it all disappeared. I hate myself for not being able to walk away that night with my winnings. I feel depressed and can’t sleep and can’t eat. All I think about is the lost and how crazy I was betting max amounts and watching tens of thousands of dollars dwindle to absolutely zero. I had suicidal thoughts the next day because it was a life-changing amount of money. I feel so hopeless because of this addiction as I continue to be alone and not be able to save any money for my future.

[justonee]

Today, I decided I have to take real actions to stop the gambling addiction. I began by tossing out my old laptop that allowed me to gamble. I have other devices that are being protected with numerous blocking programs. I am worried because I have an iPad that doesn’t have any blockers. I need to figure that out. Luckily, I’ve self-excluded myself from the last online casino account I had before I went to work yesterday morning. I am glad I did because when I came home, I tried to gamble ’cause I still had the laptop and at midnight my banking account would have allowed me to make a new transaction. Trying hard to remove the opportunities to gamble.

Then I went to my bank to close the account that was enabling me to easily make deposits. I had around $450 in the account and I thought I would get the cash and close the account. I had planned to eTransfer those funds to my other bank account which does not allow online transactions. For some reason, I decided I’d rather go into the bank and have it withdrawn as cash. Guess what? Instead, it turns out that I owed the bank $540 from a past old account and they took the $450 I had towards those old fees. So instead of having the $450 cash that I was going to use towards seeing a counsellor, I have nothing. I was upset at the whole situation and mad at myself that I didn’t do the eTransfer this morning as I had planned so that I could at least have some money until I next get paid. I wanted to cry! Why didn’t I do that transfer? I will try not to let this ruin my day as I have taken the first steps to recovery. This was to eliminate access to money despite not getting the funds. I’m next going to hand over my finances to a close friend of mine.

Tonight, I plan to go to my first GA meeting. I’m nervous. Often when I plan to do something that is new, I cancel at the last moment because of anxiety. However, after many posts in this forum as well as other sites it seems that GA has been the key factor in recovery. I am planning to keep occupied elsewhere and not think about gambling. I hope weekly GA meetings will eliminate the free time I would have used gambling.

Today, I choose not to gamble.

[justonee]

Hi Monicau,

I hope you are doing well. I have plans to go to a GA meeting this Thursday. Today, I am admitting defeat. I gambled earlier because I was feeling really depressed at my life. You are so right in that the casinos make it easy to reverse wins so that a compulsive gambler will keep spinning until it’s all gone. I did that today and after not being able to walk away with some money yet again, I am realizing that it is impossible for me to win. No more bets. I need to start this recovery journey.

Take care.

[justonee]

Thank you i-did-it for the insights. Yes, I am apprehensive about GA for all the same reasons. It helps to know that these feelings are not uncommon, and that I can’t expect to stop gambling right away even if I attend GA and that it takes time to get this addiction under control.

[justonee]

Hi Jappy799,

Thank you for the commentary. Sadly, I’ve relapsed yet again and on multiple occasions I thought; okay, I made $1000 I will walk away but instead it ends up being reversed and the cycle continues of making deposits to chase losses.

I was feeling really depressed yesterday and decided I need to make a plan as you suggested so I won’t have time to gamble. However, I let those plans go by the wayside this morning. I kept postponing going out and doing errands, cooking, and even feeding myself. Ended up wasting yet another full day glued to my laptop hoping for a big win that never comes.

This addiction has made me go insane! Today, I was talking aloud to myself and swearing at my laptop and even hitting the screen a few times. I would try to will the wins and asking it to give me the effing scatter ’cause it’s about time.

Are there any apps you use to help plan your day. I only make a mental to do list.

I am making plans for the next day to go toss out my laptop, close my bank account that allows me to gamble, and go to a support group.

Take care.

[justonee]

Hating myself for relapsing again and chasing losses. Only lasted three days without gambling, but it was all I could think about and consumed me. Despite being sleepy and barely keeping my eyes open, I spent 16 hours pressing the spin button and watching money go up and down, awaiting the “big win” screen from a feature. I got only a couple hours of sleep before work and didn’t even have dinner last night nor shower.

As much as I don’t want to go to GA, I think it is time to be courageous like user i-did-it. This forum has provided me with much needed comfort knowing that I am not alone, but I can’t beat this addiction by myself. I might not make much, but I think investing in an addiction counsellor might be better than wasting money at the casino.

[justonee]

Thank you, Monicau. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this struggle. This forum has been helpful and hearing from another person who understands makes a difference. There is a language barrier between myself and my parents and they are illiterate so I don’t know how much help I can get from them, but thank you for the suggestion. I will try to find another doctor for help with depression. I’d rather spend money on a good doctor than on gambling. I hope that you too are doing well.

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