[Jonny123987]

It’s good that you’re finally coming to terms and understanding with what you’re up against. Being a CG is no joke. It’s as bad as a heroin addiction or maybe worse. Gambling addicts have the most suicides of all other addictions. It’s unfortunately a disease that gets very little recognition from people, states, governments, etc, so the help isn’t as easily accessible. And most people gamble in one form or another like it’s almost acceptable to do it. It’s a weird thing to happen t someone but it sure hurts once you recognize it.

[Jonny123987]

You are probably a good actor. He is also probably not aware of how bad of a problem you have. To normal people gambling is not a worry or a problem and they can’t comprehend why we can’t just stop. People are also pretty naive. I had a guy drinking a fifth of whiskey at work that worked for me and I just thought he was off. Never knowing he was that bad off.

[Jonny123987]

Almost a year now JK. Killing it!! Good work!

[Jonny123987]

Hi Tina,
I’m grateful to have read your posts. You seem like a good person who unfortunately has a bad addiction. Please read some of my story and you’ll see I share the addiction. I also know what it feels like to live a life of a lie.
I think that you probably should tell him that you have this issue for many reasons. But if you can quit and repay all your debt then I’m not sure why you have too. If that makes sense… I guess he could find out and then you’d have to tell him. I’m just saying… The most important thing is that you quit. You mentioned that he texted some other girl and you found out… To me that means there is already some basic trouble in the relationship and that you really need to worry about yourself.
I would again suggest that you do tell him so you have to be accountable to someone. Being accountable and having to turn over finances is helpful in the recovery process.
Gambling relapses are really different than quitting gambling. The question I have for you is are you not gambling and going to relapse or are you not gambling anymore?
When reading your posts you asked if you are making excuses… I’m not the guy who knows that but I can answer the question based on the way I read it and the answer is that you are. Maybe not making excuses but you’re not just owning your gambling problem. Maybe you have triggers and you can recognize that but ultimately you are the problem and chose to gamble and to gamble at a highly destructible rate. It’s important to know what triggers you so you can get help from a professional and deal with those feelings and emotions though.
I agree that if you have and want to tall him that you approach it as I have a problem and I have a plan. I’ve done research, etc., and what that plan is. A plan to honest, a plan to pay back the money, a plan to recover, and a plan to regain trust. And the most important thing. That you have a plan for yourself to love yourself again.
You can get yourself back. It’s a slow process and requires a lot of work. You can do this Tina.

[Jonny123987]

Monicau is right. Me or anyone talking tough may not be the solution. I did think of her when I was writing to you earlier. I think she is a good example of someone fighting for her life back. Not that comparing anyones situation is fair…. And Monicau has a lot to be grateful for as well. All of us do… I’m just saying we’re all not alone in this. We are all part of a family or club that understands each other. I’m just saying that you have to start trying. No yesterday, not tomorrow, not even today… But right now.

[Jonny123987]

Так что случилось?

[Jonny123987]

So what happened?

[Jonny123987]

Hi Laura,
I’m sure Vera was just typing fast and not meaning it as I took it. I’m super sensitive at times and a total pain in the butt. Vera has always been extremely supportive and kind. 🙂
Geordie was the person I got into with about the stock thing. He is also extremely kind and supportive and I appreciate him. I agree that certain things can be compulsive and bad but that doesn’t mean we need to dwell on it always. Sometimes a glass of wine is a glass of wine and not the beginning of alcoholism.
That being said none of us are experts (I could be wrong). We are all just people trying to live through this horrible struggle that we found ourselves in… Some of us longer and some of us shorter. We are all in the same family as we know how it feels… How it (being a gambler) feels….. I repeat that because only certain people know what I’m talking about. It hurts bad…”That Feeling”. You have to feel it to understand unfortunately. Similar to our backs and nerve damage. Until you know… You just don’t know… Do you?
Wow – That’s all I can say is wow… That’s major surgery on the back… Is your nerve damage motor or sensory? I have mainly motor damage and a tiny bit sensory. I can’t push up onto my toes on my right leg. My calf muscle is petty much completely gone. I had L5 S1 surgery where they took out somewhere between 30-50% of the disk. The MRI looks insane. I’m not even sure how I can walk when looking at it. This happening put everything in life into perspective. I’ve had major surgeries in the past but none of them woke me up like this. Not being able to walk is the scariest thing ever. Not gambling compared to not walking was an easy feeling to quantify.
Why are you having another surgery? Is the pain just hard core? What is the feeling that is causing that move? I’m sorry to ask but I’m just curious…. I’m so scared of the next back surgery. What happened to you that caused the first back surgery? Seems like a major surgery from an accident or something.
I really appreciate you understanding where I’m coming from. From the back stand point as well as the recovery stand point. I thank you for accepting me. I talk a big game and try to make sense of my recovery all the time. But I’m also worried all the time to not slip. I think I have such a hard stance on my beliefs because it helps me ultimately not go back to the person I used to be. That person I’m so scared of. That person that just doesn’t care. That person that is so selfish and hateful. That person that just existed but didn’t exist.
You say my postings might help others. You say that I am now an example. That is so kind of you to say and it feels good to read. But I’m not sure I am. I’m not sure anyone should listen to anything I have to say. I’m no beacon. I screwed things up for over 20 years making up BS so I could continue placing bets and dreaming of the big run. How great that was going to be. I remember every once in a while It would dawn on me that what would happen when I did hit it big…? Was I just going to quit gambling? Was I going to retire from it? The answer was always never there. I kind of pushed the thought out of my mind. Similar to the way I do with the questions – What to do about the massive piece of trash in the Atlantic Ocean? or world hunger? It was to big of a question to face so I just pushed it somewhere else in my head…
The only answer for me is not gambling. I’m not a better person for it. I’m not someone that should stand on a pedistal because I haven’t gambled. I’m a person who is fighting very hard to not feel like death everyday. Life is getting better though. I do feel I have a lot to offer.
If anyone that is in the midst of a gambling addiction is reading this I would stress that gambling puts you in a weird fog. This fog can take months to lift. You can’t see clearly in the fog. When it lifts things will become more clear. No one can say how thick your fog is but you. It will clear with time.

[Jonny123987]

I’m not trying to be a pain and maybe you were being funny Vera but I don’t love labeling things like a “compulsive buyer” or always trying to see the connection to something negative in all things. At least not anymore. Some times people can just have some fun. Is buying a new car a compulsive buyer? Is eating a really nice meal and ordering a great desert a compulsive desert eater? Is a person that likes to surf everyday a compulsive surfer? I think we should be careful at labeling things. Reading that made me feel like you were saying I was doing something wrong for spending some of my hard earned money to buy something that makes me feel good.
Some one on here said that investing was like gambling and had this whole thing they had to say about it. Just want to throw out there that I pulled all money out of the stock market besides my Roth IRA’s about 4 weeks ago after I made a little. It’s all just sitting in a brokerage account and has been for this entire time. No stress in moving it or reinvesting it until the right time. Hence I haven’t done anything with it while researching the next stocks to buy when the time is right. Not everything has to be gambling or related to gambling always even though on the quick surface it may appear that way. Sometimes gambling is just gambling after time goes by and we have to put it to rest. It isn’t everything to me anymore.

[Jonny123987]

I have never worn a nice watch either. But I think I’m going to get one finally. I know these things are silly btw. Clothes, watches, etc. But they do make me feel good walking around. I feel just a little bit more confident so I guess it’s worth it. 🙂

[Jonny123987]

Haha. Just the one. I told myself and my brother last month when I was in New York that I just didn’t look that good. That all of my clothes seemed old and out of date. I told him I was going to update my entire wardrobe… Guess what. I had said that for years and never did it. This time I did. 🙂

[Jonny123987]

You make it all sounds impossible when in fact it’s all really easy. You don’t gamble and you do things that make you feel better. It’s not rocket science.

[Jonny123987]

Hi Jac,
I get really mad reading that post. I have to be honest. You ask for help and you get it. People offer you advise and support. What do you do? You don’t take any of it…. All you do is yap and complain saying it’s too much. You said you were a soldier. Well soldier up. You may have been a soldier but your not being one right now. You’re just giving up. Is that what you are? A person that accepts failure? You originally posted on here that you were up 20k, down 20k, up and down and all around. Then you said you wanted to kill yourself. Then you keep saying that other people should seek help now and get help but yet all is lost for you and it’s time to just die or something. It’s such a defeatist attitude. Everyone on here is being nice and caring and so have I but how has it helped you?? It hasn’t. In fact your notes are getting worse. I feel for you but also don’t think you are trying at all. Whats the point in offering a stone advise? If you don’t take the advise, or try to better yourself how do you think it’s going to happen? I understand a person relapsing and gambling again when trying to quit. I understand a person that can’t stop gambling. But I can’t understand a person asking for help and not taking any of it or trying even one iota….
Most gamblers loose EVERYTHING and more. You have a job, a family that seems to really care, a partner that is still with you, a body that seems to functioning, you must be somewhat fit to have been a soldier…. These are the few things that you’ve mentioned yet you seem so ungrateful. You have so much more than most people in the world yet you are defeated over what? Money…. Really…. Money has you beat? It’s a fucking piece of paper made by rich men to make you feel the way you do right now…. Beaten… defeated… in fear… to scared to make any changes… to scared to try… So scared about who you are and what drives you to explore whats really going on and try. Like a child ready to cry, stick his thumb in his mouth, and wait for mommy to make it better. Maybe it’s time to start fighting instead of giving up. Just saying…

[Jonny123987]

Hi Vera – I definitely bought some small clothes this year. Not sure if it was the back surgery or what but I’ve gone up a size for sure and nearing 2.
Vera you are always good at helping others. You are seriously one of the best… You are so kind and caring. Please don’t say mean things about yourself… I’m trying not to do that about myself also. It sure is hard sometimes. But we need to love ourselves always. Lets do some pushups and sits ups today and fight back the weight… I ate 5 cookies last night that I shouldn’t have…. Oyyyy.

[Jonny123987]

Hi Everyone,

Day 331 – Just waking up after sleeping in. Saw a couple emails from the site and it made me want to post. I think it was Jac’s post. I find myself mad at him/her. I don’t like that he/she won’t just try harder. But I forget how disabling this disease is…. It’s a good example of how this disease just tears someone completely down and shreds them of any self worth and strength. I’m so scared to think thats all just one bet away for me. I sure hope he can find the strength to carry on and stop hurting.
Finding Laura – What a fitting name for a gambler in recovery…. quitting gambling is a reveal for sure. We find out who we are again. It may be really difficult to find out who we are which is the reason why we may have started gambling. But thats where the real work and therapy kick in. I just love that name… I read your posts above and must have missed then previously. I’m sorry to hear about your back. What part of your back did you have work on and need work on now? Did you have any nerve damage? What kind of surgery do you need to get? I’ve been getting a bit stronger by the week and am hoping for more and more but it’s been slow. My back is pretty bad. They took out close to 40% of the disk so no matter what I do the pain is there. It’s tough living like this but not sure what choice I have. The doctor has no answers either. Talking to him is like talking to a broken record of maybe’s and possibly’s. He literally told me when the pain gets unbearable come back and see me and I’ll do another surgery that will take 80% of the pain away. I 100% agree with you about the correlation of issues with our bodies and the issues with gambling. But I think gambling just latches on to anyone who isn’t just suffering from a physical problem but more of a mental problem that a person has. The physical problem most likely causes a mental problem that needs to be addressed by the individual and a counselor (many types) that the person has a connection with. Basically what I’m saying is that in order to really quick gambling we have to take a look into our minds with the help of a professional that we trust. Just my two cents
Hi Idid It – Thanks for saying hello. I do love the way new clothes feel. I had two people compliment me on how I looked and it made me feel so good. I also just love the way new socks and new shoes feel…. I gambled for so many years I just forgot what it was like to spend money on anything and myself. I always never had enough money. If I did I was always worried it wasn’t;t enough. If I needed new clothes I would buy a 3 pack of shirts at Walmart. Or 1 pair of crappy jeans at Walmart. For the first time in like 20 years I went shopping for clothes and spend like 2-3 grand. I got like 6 business shirts, 10 sweaters, 7 pairs of pants, 15 pairs of new socks, 3 pairs of new shoes, etc. It barely made a dent in my savings. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. Now I have a bunch of awesome clothes to wear to work and it feels so great!!
Thank god I stopped gambling. I know I lost a fortune. But you know what. Maybe I needed too. I feel blessed to write that I feel good and that I spent 3k and don’t care because it was on something I’m actually loving. Oh and I bought this amazing new backpack and just said fuck-it and got the best one.

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