Day 335
Hi Everyone, Thank you for taking the time to post on my thread. I do want to still kind of take a GT chill pill as I think I may have taken my gambling addiction and somehow morphed it into using this site and wanting to talk and be heard when I don’t know how important that is to me now vs before when I was first starting my recovery. I don’t know if I do need this support or if I should be strong enough to just be gamble free without having to always talk about it or voice my thoughts. Especially if those thoughts are a burden to others and cause people to say they don’t believe me or question my motives, etc. I came on this site to help me understand my problem and hopefully stop gambling which I have done for 335 days. So firstly and most important – Thank you GT for giving me the forum to talk and be myself. To feel free to be honest and open. It has been great release for me and the support has been amazing and just what I needed at times.
Honestly – I love to talk to people, read there stories, offer some input, and want the best for everyone always. Can I be a jerk – Sure! I’m only back on here writing today because I got like 5 emails in the last day from you very kind folks as well as read this rant from Geordie which fired me up to write today. I also had what I consider a somewhat odd conversation with Geordie who for the life of me can’t seem to make understand my pretty simple life. I read his whole thought process again as I’ve done a number of times and I really don’t understand his fascination with my story or the fact that he just won’t believe me for some reason and that he wants me to constantly prove myself and tell him over and over again about my life and then only hearing back that he doesn’t get it and that he feels I need to do this or that and just doesn’t believe in me… I find it odd and somewhat negative, and condesending. I found it to feel negative when I read it. I feel when I read that its an attack on me somehow. And maybe I need to look within to understand why I feel that way when he writes me. I don’t generally ever feel that way when reading others posts to me even when they are saying some tough truths. I did it and I had a quick scoff but seem to come to a compromise and now I think we are closer than before…?!? The truth to me is if a person can’t add 2+2 and get 4 then I can’t really help them… or honestly care to talk to them. I find it a waste of time. I would suggest that they do take a math class or another class that helps them with their calculations. Geordie I do not seek your approval but would I guess like to hear that you believe in me and not have it come as a two faced back handed compliment like I feel you do often. The only reason I brought up your 5 times in prison was to prove a point. You first used my words against me and to prove that I was a lier or something. Not everything we say defines us as a whole. Yes, you went to prison 5 times… Does that define you as a person? Should I base my judgments off of what I think of a person that had to go to jail 5 times in order to finally recognize right from wrong? Or should I read between the lines to Geordies life and not question and antagonize him about those things or should I support and care about him? Did I question whether he did in fact go to jail 5 times or did I simply believe him and not push him about it as I knew it was a sensitive subject to branch and really none of my business. That being said I do respect Geordie for his service on this site, the way he wants to help others, the way he wants to help me, and the fact that he has almost a year gamble free. I don’t think he needs to be revered on here for being an elder statesman though. He is just a recovering gambler who obviously has flaws like everyone else and if he knew all the answers, well lets just be honest, he wouldn’t have had to go to jail 5 times to figure out that 1 gambling is bad and 2 that doing illegal shite is bad and lands you in jail.
Was I wrong for talking about myself and my job, shopping for new clothes and how it made me feel good, or how I was out of debt and excited to possibly invest smart rather than what I had been doing for 23 years, etc. Maybe I was and thats something I want to think about. This is part of the reason I felt I should take a break, maybe I should think about what I say on a site like this more as people take it very seriously. and they should I suppose. But like I’ve always said I’m on here for me and to have a running ***** and journal too I can reflect back always at how bad it was.
I also would like to point out that an issue I have with Geordie is the way he puts things… I said I wanted to take a break from GT, but somehow he hears as I am running away. Thats just not a supportive positive view point and partially why Geordie and I have issue. I think he doesn’t choose his words correctly but I do think his emotions are directed come from a good place.
Laura and Geordie – You guys asked a question and apparently I haven’t answered it. Geordie pointed it out like I was running from the question but honestly I hadn’t really seen it. To answer the question whether I think having money available to me is a bad or good idea…? The answer I don’t think it matters 1 iota. I have control over millions of dollars at work. I have access to company cards with very high limits and have throughout my gambling career. That was just a line I was never willing to cross. I also talk on here that quitting gambling for me is a self control thing. Sure I needed to have my finances held for me for my first 2-3 months while getting out of the gambling fog but part of the growing process is getting access again and being able to have self control. I’m not a child. I’m an adult who needs to be in control of my finances and my life. I have often said that similar to an alcoholic a gambler can’t just not ever be around gambling again similar to the way an alcoholic will have to be in the presence of alcohol again… they have to have the inner strength and self control to not drink the same way I have to to not gamble. I can’t just live the rest of my life like a child having my mommy look after me and my finances. Geordie has spoken about how his boss has to hold his money, etc. I just can’t do something like that or I would be fired as I’m the guy that’s supposed to be trusted there. And lets just examine that for a moment. 51 year old man that has his boss handle his finances. Is that someone I need to take advise from?
Geordie – You also mentioned that you have taken a couple courses about becoming a counselor. Thats great. But I’m pretty sure none of us would go to a doctor to fix our broken arms if the doctor had his certificate of 2 med classes complete. I would also love to know your gap in that course work?
