[Jonny123987]

Did you screw up? Did I screw up? The answer is yes. We screwed up… Do other people screw up? Throughout the history of time have people screwed up? The answer is yes. What does that make you, me, and them? It makes us human? Have people recovered from screwing up? The answer is yes. But you can’t recover if you kill yourself or don’t believe in yourself. The journey to recovery has to start somewhere… Which it has… You have 17 days. Now lets start adjusting that state of mind. Start getting that blood flowing and doing some stretches, exercises, and breathing. Start learning about TM and doing it twice a day using positive mantras.

[Jonny123987]

Hi Monica,

I’m sorry you are suffering. I empathize with what you’re feeling. Do you mind if I ask how old you are? What profession do you do for a living? 17 days without gambling is something to be proud off. Suicide is the gambler talking… always wanting the easy way out. The fighter who takes baby steps to make life better is the real you. Are you a fighter? You beat cancer…. Why can’t you beat this? It’s just another shitty disease. But you have to believe in yourself! You have to fight mentally and physically. You can’t give up. Don’t take the attitude of “what if” or “could of” or “I wish that” because those aren’t reality and that’s what your dealing with. Those phrases will never lead you down a path of happiness or positivity and thats what you need right now.

You are also going to need to start looking for employment soon and you’ll do better out there when approaching everything with a positive goal oriented state of mind. You really need to focus on changing that up. It might seem impossible but you need to try. Start slow and take baby steps. Take it one day at a time. How does thinking about yesterday help you at all today. How does thinking about all the yesterdays help you today? It doesn’t and they don’t matter. All that matters is this minute, today, and nothing more… Don’t stress about tomorrow because it’s not reality yet only today is… A meteor could strike earth tomorrow so why worry about it. You can plan for it but don’t worry about it. Does that make sense?

[Jonny123987]

Day 248 – For some reasons I’ve been having some odd thoughts about gambling. It seems to have come out of nowhere. But for the last couple weeks I have had the feeling like I want to gamble again. It’s really scary because I know that if I place one bet I’ll place another and anther and another until I’m again in the hole 30K or more. Thats basically what I have in available credit. One day at a time. That’s what I always have to remind myself of… The Powerball was $750 mm and I was annoyed that I couldn’t buy a ticket. But I know where it leads and have to remain in control.

[Jonny123987]

Hi Monicau,

I just read your journal entries and wanted to let you know that I can relate and empathize with you and what you’re feeling. It’s a terrible feeling. Allowing love into life is a good idea. If that comes from god than that’s good.
I can read how much pain you’re in. I’m sorry for it. Gambling is horrible and ruins us. But there is silver lining… You are seeking help. Your life isn’t over yet. You have another chance to get you back. It won’t be easy and it usually doesn’t happen quickly. I have to remind myself of that over and over again. Baby steps and small wins. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
If I can offer both of us a suggestion… No matter how little money we have we can still do basic things to make ourselves feel better…. and this is a start. Get some workout clothes stretch out, stretch all of your body for 15-20 minutes…. Then do some light push-ups, work on breathing, do some sit-ups, work on breathing, do some jumping jacks…. Move the blood in your body… and while you’re doing this think of only positive things like the love of your children, how the warmth of the sun feels on your cheeks, how the wind feels when it courses your hair gently, etc. Think about things you are grateful for. Breathe deeply in, hold it for a moment, and then slowly let it out. Calm your thoughts and body and know that you will be ok.
What you are going through is rough and I wish I was there to hug you. You’ll be okay if you can never gamble again and never lose hope. I am grateful to you for sharing your story and reminding me how crummy this disease is.
Can you ask your children to help you a little? Just to help you pay this months rent and take care of the basics like phone, electricity, food, etc? In doing this you will turn over all finances to one of them and make a plan to pay them back, go to GA, get a new job, get your health back, etc.

[Jonny123987]

Day 241 – Thanks Charles and JayKay for checking in and offering some sound advise.

Hey Peaceful Dreams – I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties gambling has caused you. I’m glad to hear you’re looking for some help. It is hard to just write on some weird internet site about all your feelings and the crap you’ve done to yourself over the years. In order to work through this horrible disease we have I think it’s going to be important for you to start your own thread and just put it all out there. Tell yourself by writing it out how you feel. Write a freaking 10 page essay on there but just get it out man. It will be therapeutic for you and make you feel a little better. Then go back to GA and get a sponsor. Is there anyone that you can trust to help you with your finances? Have someone step in and be a part of that that you’re accountable too whenever you send money. These are all small things and I know you’re thinking this guy is telling me all the same crap. You’re right. What you’re going through is very unique and not many people will understand it and it’s going to hurt bad for you to come to grips with it. But you can if you choose too. We all can. You are a strong person. Be the person you know you can and just don’t gamble. You have gambled for 50 years and have nothing good to show from it. Tell me anything else you’ve done for 50 years and that you’re not good at? If you were cooking spaghetti sauce for 50 years at the rate of practice I’m guessing you’d have some of the best sauce out there. Had you been doing just 5 jumping jacks for every bet you made you’re be in great shape. If you were learning how to play an instrument you’re probably be extremely good by now. But with gambling we stay the same…. just losing our money and never realizing that Gambling + Gambling = Losing Everything.

Life without gambling has been good. Like any other horrible addiction I imagine it’s not just the elimination of the bad habit but also living with the consequences of what the bad habit did to me. The evilness of gambling will always be with me looming. It’s my job to rise above it and control myself. Again – that doesn’t mean it’s ever gone. At least not for me and it sounds like not some of you guys either. And that’s ok. The other day I missed the feeling of gambling action and the high I got from it. In my head I was justifying the thought for a second like I used to do about how I could gamble to make some extra cash. It was just for a second but the thought came across my mind. The weird part is that I don’t need the money it was just a thought. A trigger for me is loneliness so I have to be on heightened alert when I’m feeling that way.
I had my first gambling gambling dream in a while the other day as well. I remember placing some sort of bet and realizing my days were gone. The feeling was horrible.
I am out of debt again but can’t stand thinking about how much money I lost and what I could have done with that money had I not lost it all. I talked to my brother in law the other night about how much I lost and it’s just a surreal number. I am living with it and dealing with the consequences but it still sucks. I just wish it was half that number. But then again I try to remind myself that money doesn’t really bring happiness. It brings a sense of made up happiness. Happiness comes from within. I’ve had money and I didn’t feel happier or even use the money well. I was sick inside and most likely always have been.
I don’t have the answers, I’m not sure anyone really does. I just know that gambling is bad and left me a state of despair. I lost everything of who I am. I didn’t just lose the money. I lost a sliver of myself. A slice of caring and emotion. Gambling took that from me or I allowed gambling to take that from me. I struggle with that as well. I do notice that I am much more calm no and things just don’t upset me like the used to. I am much more in control of my feelings these days.
I won’t gamble today and hope all of you have a great Monday!

[Jonny123987]

Hey Ryan, Do you live in the states?

[Jonny123987]

Day 236 – I’ve been feeling a little off these last few days. This is a tricky disease. Maybe a GA meeting is a good idea.

[Jonny123987]

Day 236 – I’ve been feeling a little off these last few days. This is a tricky disease. Maybe a GA meeting is a good idea.

[Jonny123987]

Day 232. Was feeling a little triggery yesterday. Hope that’s past. Thinking maybe it’s time for a GA reminder meeting so i can talk to peers.

[Jonny123987]

Day 228

[Jonny123987]

Day 228

[Jonny123987]

Day 220. Hope everyone is feeling great today!

[Jonny123987]

Day 214 – Hey Exon – I hope you’re doing well. Thanks for the advise and sharing. I always appreciate hearing everyones thoughts. Good luck to everyone who is reading this stuff and trying to quit. You can do it. 🙂

[Jonny123987]

Hi Midland, I just wanted to tell you that you can beat this disease. Thats what it is. Your sick mate. Like any sickness you can get better with proper treatment. I have been gamble free for over 200 days now. I gambled for 20 years as well. Lost over $400,000 easy. Have lost everything. I was sick… I was diseased… I couldn’t see past it. I relapsed 4 times after my first real attempt at quitting. I stopped dating a girl I liked because I felt I needed to as well.
I can’t tell you what to do about your wife. But I would suggest that you quit the gambling immediately in order to think a bit clearer about the situation. No woman is going to want to stay with a gambler. Gambling is not attractive, thats for sure.
You do need to take care of yourself first. At my GA they have a separate meeting for spouses so they can understand better what their loved ones are going thorough and how to support them. Just an idea…
Be strong man and say enough enough. Let me ask you the same question I asked myself. Its fairly simple. What else have you done for 20 years and kept failing at and continued to do it. Usually after 20 years of practice at anything a person is a pro, knows everything… But yet us gamblers don;t… We just get worse. Therefore gambling is a shitty trade to ever learn. What other trade could you do for that long and suck at it? Also, if it was going to work out well for you wouldn’t it have happened by now? The proof is in the putting. Gambling is equaling out to more money or happiness, actually quite the opposite. Based on that math the answer is pretty simple. Stop gambling… It’s bad.
I’m looking forward to you stopping this shit and healing yourself.
Jon

[Jonny123987]

Hi Time to Change,
I take a very straight line on recovery and I probably shouldn’t say anything until I have a year under my belt… But I find what you said as some poor excuses. You’re blaming your weakness to not follow through on a promise to yourself. The truth is that you’re weak. You aren’t strong enough to stay away from gambling. Using your barriers being down isn’t a viable excuse. If you read my posts you’re going to see that I discuss this often. Is a alcoholic supposed to never have money in his pocket again or never travel to any cities that serve alcohol. the answer is absolutely not. Just like an alcoholic gambling is everywhere. You can’t exclude yourself from every online gaming site and you can’t get away from places in the world where gambling is legal. I can’t even buy a donut without having to look at lottery tickets and keno.
What I’m trying to say is… the issue isn’t that you had cash or a card, or that you were in a part of town you weren’t excluded from, or that your hand was hurting. And lets be honest you could have gone for a run or walk with a bad hand. Worked legs, etc. So saying your hand hurts and thats a hat trick or whatever you called it is a joke.
You wanted to gamble so you did. It’s that simple.
If you want to stop them put those barriers up, but those barriers aren’t going to be there forever. You need to be strong enough to stop and not allow the thoughts back in your head.
I hope you can stop and I’m here for you if you ever want to chat.
Jon

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