[Jonny123987]

Day 300 – Went to an amazing meeting last night with some amazing people. Probably the best GA I’ve ever been to. So much caring, understanding, wisdom, and love in that room.

Thanks for your comments Geordie. I don’t think we see eye to eye on some things and thats ok. You seem to genuinely care about others which if I knew nothing more about you is enough for me to apologize for calling you any names. I wasn’t trying to belittle you or show you any disrespect. I do appreciate your kindness. I’m grateful for you taking the time to write back.
Although…. when reading your comments I said to myself many times that I see and feel things in a much different way then the way you read and interpret my feelings. I don’t need to explain myself to you or make sense of anything to you. I come on this site to journal some of my feelings and get comfort from others that understand. That doesn’t mean I want to defend myself when I’ve done nothing wrong besides working hard at my recovery and being there for others. Also – The feelings I write about that you have based your opinions on don’t make me up as a whole, and don’t last long. They always pass because I have control over them. For me it’s been cathartic to express my feelings and theories somewhere and I found this site was good for that.
I believe this site is here to help people. It doesn’t have to be your way… It can be anyway that is helpful to them/us. They/we get to choose. Not you.
I get to make my rules. Not you.
I get to decide how I heel. Not you.
I don’t need to defend my actions if they are working. I don’t NEED to do what you say worked for you. I might add that that advise didn’t work for you as you pointed out for a long time.
I don’t generally ask for advise. I don’t believe I asked for yours. I just make statements and read them back to myself to they to learn and understand myself better.
I unfortunately don’t have the time to answer all your questions or to continue this conversation frankly. I am a professional as you mentioned and have a job that is demanding and take s up much of my time when I’m working.
I also agree with your statement on Monica’s thread that others on this site most likely could use your time and care more to hear it than I. I feel like I’m doing okay and am have what I need to stay the course. Take care of the others in need that want your help and I will seek advise and help from others as well.
I only wish you peace and happiness. But again I don’t feel you really get me.
Sincerely,
Jon

[Jonny123987]

I hope this are going well for you 3racer. Sounds like you’re getting some stuff figured out. 🙂

[Jonny123987]

Hello Geordie,
I’ll answer your email as I read it.
1. Yes it is a large sum of money to have gambled. I never broke it down by the week. Not sure why you did… Also not sure why you started with wow?
2. Based on you saying that I got off lightly I’m assuming your “wow” to be an insult. So to that I say you’re a douche bag for saying git like that. To say that my addiction and losses are getting off lightly is frankly a stupid thing to say to someone. To compare losses or anything else with someone especially that you’ve never met and over a computer is silly and I find it sophomoric.
3. You said that in 10 months I was able to get out of debt. That isn’t quite how I would put it… my history is a bit more complicated than that. But if that makes you feel good to sum up things like that for me then I hope you’re happy.
4. I wouldn’t have written anything and pressed enter unless I thought it was ok to say something to someone. I’m honest and spoke my mind. I wasn’t trying to be hurtful. Also, he didn’t seem to mind and actually mentioned in a post that it helped him. But I’ll let him speak to that tune and shouldn’t;t talk for him.
5. Is this sarcasm that you feel envious of me? I did a lot of damage as I’m sure anyone who has chosen to hurt themselves does.I don’t buy it this and feel it’s a tactic to say something and then balance it out with an unqualified compliment.
6. You said… I’m going to great lengths to justify investing money? I don’t agree. Investing and gambling are two different things. I also only mentioned this several times in a year. I don’t even understand the rational of not doing investing so lets just agree to disagree on that one. Are you saying that you should just put all excess money in a savings account?
7. Did you really read my posts? I speak about gambling as more than money all the time. Didn’t I just write that the other night to someone? I’m lost by your thought process.
8. What does “such a good living” mean that I make? Please explain?
9. You said… Money is important to me? Thats what you believe? We’ll you right, and many other things are important to me as well. You’re either a very rich man or a very broke man to even say a statement like that. A rich man wants to present that his money isn’t important while he hoards it. The poor man doesn’t want to believe money is important because then he would have to live upset all the time. Are you suggesting that money isn’t important? Most of us live or die by the dollar. We get to enjoy things a tad bit more when not stressing all the time about getting a meal. Are you a hunter? Do you know how to hunt? Is there an excess amount of game around you? Do you see where I’m going with this? Do your bullets not cost anything? Does heat not cost anything? Does a dwelling that protects you from the cold and elements not cost anything? If I want to eat then I have to earn. If I want to continue to eat then I have to have money in the bank. If I loose my job and want to eat I need to have some savings. Eating kind of seems important to me so I guess money is kind of important to me. Now is it as important as love, family, honesty, etc.? Thats for each individual person to decide… not some guy on GT like me or you.
10. You used my own words to I guess put me in my place or prove that you are right and I’m wrong or something? We’ll I agree with everything I wrote. When you can’t control yourself you need to have blocks in place. But if you read my posts as you claim you have… Then you would know that I also said that blocks are good but not the end all. I have to see lotto tickets if I want to buy a donut. I have to see other games if I want a soda at the the liquor store, etc. Similar to the way an alcoholic has to eat and enter establishments that sell alcohol. It’s about self control and personal growth… not blocks dude.
11. You talk about gambling like thats the problem. I don’t agree. A theory of mine (at least for me) is that gambling is the symptom of a deeper rooted issue in a person. It’s starts with placing a bet. But the underlying current is the rush it gives a person. In that feeling of blissful rush you forget that you have a bunch of pent up feelings. If you can feel that rush all the time then you don’t have to deal with or feel those pent up issues. Please read some of my posts so you can better understand where I am coming from.
12. I’m not on here to help anyone really. At least not yet. I will believe I can help someone after I have one year of non gamble time. Until then I simply talk and make comments. Not really telling anyone anything. Again – please read my posts and you will see that consistency throughout.
13. I moved to another city for work this weekend. I have already reached out to friends at GA here and am going to a scheduled meeting tomorrow night at 7:30pm. I think I do have my life in some control and am seeking the help and friendships I need. I don’t appreciate you trying to use my words from when I was extremely sick/diseased to try to prove some point that is actually a meaningless point as far as I’m concerned.
14. You don’t think I know what I’m up against at all? Who the heck are you to say something like that to me? This is my life and I get to manage it how I see fit. You and me are different people with different triggers, history’s, upbringings, family’s, etc.. How and why do you think you can tell me that I don’t know what I’m up against. Are you serious? Who does know what I’M up against besides me and possibly my counselor? Who has taken the time to understand the depths of me and my problems? Please enlighten me and PLEASE tell me what I’m up against that I’m not aware of? I will honestly tell you if you are correct. Please….
15. So you’re comparing me to Nick Lesson….? Are you serious man? Maybe you should compare me to Gordon Gecco next? Or Charles Manson? How does that comparison even make sense in your mind? You’re somehow comparing my want to invest extra funds in a diversified portfolio to a sociopath thief who lied, cheated, and broke countless amounts of international banking policies and trading laws. I think that’s a bit of a stretch don’t you think? Is Nick Lesson really someone I should seek advise from? It similar to comparing a kid who steals a pack of gum to Bernie Madoff.
16. I came to this site suicidal. I hardly got any responses. I actually mentioned it a number of times. So you sitting here and telling me that I’m wrong for posting my feelings and theories is all bull crap to me man. People should read and hear everyone’s stories and hear their opinions. This site didn’t fix me. I did. I did by making the steps. Finding hope and getting therapy. Learning about myself. Saying no when the going got tough. Being honest with myself. Asking the hard questions to myself. I use and used this site as a diary to write on because when no one responds thats what it is.
17. When is someone’s gambling “in the past” according to you? Who has that answer for that? You? When is it ok for someone to be a person again and not have to have their money held for them and portioned out? 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, never? Is that really the answer? You’re basically saying that’s it’s ok to not have any self control. Let others around you that actually have self control hold onto your money forever. How about the truth. A compulsive gambler is someone that is hurting in many ways and has very little self control. This issue isn’t really the money the issue is the lack of control to say enough is enough or make a decision to just stop and lick wounds.
18. Are you really saying that a person can’t say they will never do something again and actually follow through? I think what your saying is that action speaks louder than words. If so then I think my actions are speaking for me. I haven’t gambled in close to 300 days. The reason being is because I don’t want to anymore. It doesn’t add up for me anymore. Sure I have urges to feel the rush. I have urges to see up girls skirts too. That doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it and lift upon a girls skirt. It’s again called self control.
Those are my responses. But In summary, you asked me what is different now? What has changed? Why can I have access to money now and not before? You asked me if just saying I won’t gamble anymore is enough? I think I am a bit different now. I think I have more control. I’ve gotten help and paid for it from a professional counselor. I’ve been doing TM. I’ve been working out. Walking as best I can with two bad legs and a bad back. Exercising. cooking. Making sure to spend ample quality time with my pet. Traveling. I’ve been to some GA meetings. Been speaking with old sponsors. Constantly posting on this site and on other threads when I have time. I’ve been honest with everyone in my life and made amends. I’ve been honest with myself. I’ve worked extremely hard to begin to forgive myself and let it go so I can move on and enjoy just one day at a time. I take the time to talk to people and treat everyone with love and care. I try to smile, stop, and breathe when I see something beautiful like a falling leaf from as tree, a butterfly, or just the simple beauty of the sky. I work my tail off. I save every cent and don’t spend any extra cash on anything. I give eye contact and smile at people. I have hope in my life. I have love in my life (although I wish I had more). I have something to do everyday. I have someone and something that believes in me. A person can only do so much to put themselves in a position to be able to have more self control and stop hurting. I’ve put these things in place and am working hard at building a life back. feel I’m far from done. I would also add that life is about the journey… Not just the ending point. Enjoy the journey… My journey is my journey and I do get to make up the rules for my journey. DO I wish I would have zigged instead of zagging. Yes. but it’s still my journey. I can only do what I can to have the best journey possible. I don’t want to live in the past. I don’t want to live in tomorrow. I want to just enjoy being in the moment and hope for more.
You said that I make a lot of money. Please let me know what that number is? It’s interesting that you added up that $400000 over 20 years is around $380 or something. So basically I had $400000 extra or so in 20 years… I was dead broke and in debt up to my eyeballs. I was homeless for close to a decade and spend every cent I earned gambling. Those numbers don’t really add up to someone who has made a ton of money over a 20 year span. You mention that I make this or that. The reality is actually this… I work 12 hour days pretty much 6 days a week. I have had roughly a week off in the last 10 months. I have travelled out of the country and to many states to keep working. 10 months ago I had a MAJOR back surgery and suffered from nerve death/loss in my calf (this was tested 3 months ago or so). The nerve is dead (that means it doesn’t work). And I keep working… and keep chugging along. I paid off my debts and have been saving. I try my best to work out the rest of my body so I can actually walk. I’m in constant pain day in and day out but don’t take any pain meds as well. I’m guessing you want to lecture me on how I will eventually get addicted to pain meds next or are you only a gambling and and compulsive gambling expert?
I’m not trying to be a jerk. But as you can see I found you note to be a bit pushy and not spot on.
I asked you some questions and would appreciate a follow up response as well.

[Jonny123987]

Oh and day 298 – I gambled for over 20 years. I gambled over $400,000 away. I think I know what I’m up against.

[Jonny123987]

Hi Geordie,

Thank you for your thoughts and opinions. I appreciate the feedback. I think it’s pretty standard that I get urges to place the quick wager or buy a quick scratch off here and there. I don’t think those urges will ever go away. The difference now is that I’m better equipped to deal with them in a more positive way when they do present themselves.
I’m not keeping the door to gambling open at all even though you felt that when you read my posts. I have said and will keep saying that I can’t ever gamble again. That it will lead me to a horrible place. I don’t agree with that comment.
This is an open forum where people can express their thoughts and feelings. Whether you can or can’t believe I would write something is on you and not me. If you are troubled by it thats ok. I didn’t;t write it in hopes for your acceptance of it. I wrote it because it was on my mind and I thought 3racer could use some suggestions on other ways to make his money work for him. Again – you can accept suggestions or not. I don’t have a gun to anyones head. This is a diary forum, nothing more.
My investments are my business but I’m happy to share any advise or suggestions or just chat about them any time. I don’t agree at all with you that investing in a diversified portfolio is the same as gambling on a sporting event with odds, the flip of a card, the press of a button on a slot, or the roll of the dice. Gambling on a 100% win lose outcome is different then diversifying a portfolio. In a portfolio people can take risky or less risky investments. With gambling it’s a guess and an all or nothing proposition. Gambling in that arena provides a rush with that action. You don’t get that from investing. Investing is a long slow game, not a fast paced gamble. When I say that I think people with excess money should invest in a house, ira, stocks, bonds, index funds, mutual funds, ETF’S, 2ND income stream, CD, art, etc. So many ways to invest and make money work for you. I think that lumping gambling and investing together as bad or as a possible trigger is not an informed thought. If inflation is increasing at a rate of 1-2% annually and you have excess cash sitting in a saving’s account you’re actually losing money… Does that seem smart to you or does it seem smart to invest and stay ahead of inflation and hopefully make compounding interest work in your favor rather than against you. I have to get back to work but wanted to let you know my thoughts.
Have a great day and again thank you for your thoughts.

[Jonny123987]

I hated the person I was when I gambled. I don’t hate the person I am when I don’t gamble. I don’t love him all the time. But I’m getting better.
I know that if I was watching a older movie about myself I would have said one thing over and over again. Just stop already! If I was watching the same movie now I would say… Stay the course… and things will come. When an opportunity comes be ready… Have money saved. Be in a place to take advantage of an opportunity. Prepare for the future so hopefully you can retire at some point possibly.
When you had 170 days or so how did that feel?

[Jonny123987]

When do you think you will stop? You’re talking about barely living pay check to paycheck. Trying to rationalizing a few bucks here or there. If you were watching a movie about you what would you say to that person? What would your simple recommendations be for that person? Why do you continue down the rabbit hole if you know what continuing will bring you?

[Jonny123987]

Day 297 – It’s weird. I have urges to gamble here and there but not everyday. Sometimes days go by without a thought. I still think about the losses… maybe that won’t ever go away…? I know I can’t ever gamble again. I come back here daily to remind myself by reading some past posts about how bad it was. It’s almost 300 days since I was suicidal. I was suicidal because I couldn’t figure a way out. I felt so alone. I felt the world caving in on me. I was hopeless. I had no friends. My family was distant and distrusted me when it came to gambling or quitting. I was lost and hurt. I’ve worked very hard these last almost 300 days to pay off all debt and start savings. I’ve had one week off in that entire time. Losing everything sucks. Having a crutch like gambling sucked. I didn’t know then what I know now. Gambling was a symptom of my pain. When I started looking inward at why I was gambling it put things into perspective for me. Sure I was gambling for the money or to make back the money, or to pay the bills, etc. But the reason I never stopped gambling was to avoid something… What was I trying to avoid? It took a while but the truth is and always was the same… I was trying to avoid myself and all the feelings I had. Gambling was my companion, my friend, my savior, it was there for me. It gave me something to hope for in a somewhat bleak world and existence. It helped me forget that I was alone and scared. It helped me forget that I was going to die. I could always place a bet and feel nothing but the rush, the action, the gamble. It coursed through my veins, it quieted the noise inside. It calmed my mind. It gave me everything I needed. Unfortunately that is all true…
But once I started questioning it all… All my justifications. All my reasoning… All my hopes for luck… I realized that I was wrong.
The only true hope was to just stop. To look in the mirror and start asking the hard questions. At this point I don’t have many answers. I’m not fixed. I don’t even know what that means. But I still know that gambling again will only amplify all the pain again and take me down a road that I don’t ever want to go down again.

[Jonny123987]

Day 297 – I’m grateful for many things.

[Jonny123987]

Also – I know I am one bet away from hell so I choose not to go to hell again on a one way ticket. You can do it brotha. You just have to decide that gambling will never help you in the way you need. 🙁

[Jonny123987]

You are addicted to the rush and what the rush helps you forget about. Not gambling. Can you recognize this? Just because the guys at work are gambling doesn’t;t mean it’s ok for you to gamble. You can only control you. Today at work I heard people behind me talking about gambling and joked if anyone had a problem with it and everyone laughed. I just listened and didn’t say anything. I’m closing in on day 300 and gambling is a thing of the past. But the thing that is still present is me and my problems that drove me to gambling to forget about. We must deal with those problems to even have a chance at self control and happiness.

[Jonny123987]

Day 294 – Thanks I did it, Vera, and Geordie. I appreciate the kind words and am glad to be making strides with this disease. Been having a tough couple of days. But that’s okay. I’m moving away fro another 2 months for a new job which is fun, exciting, and scary. I hope my back and calf muscle can handle it. They seem to be getting better and better by the month. Thanks everyone! Talk soon.

[Jonny123987]

Day 292 – Wow, day 300 is right around the corner. It’s weird to have had a major habit and problem for so many years that I justified as ok in my head and to others. Then all of a sudden realizing that it has ruined my life. Truth being told thats an excuse. Gambling was a result of my weakness, insecurity, lack of self confidence, lack of self esteem, my need to want to feel bigger, earn faster, and ultimately not have to work for additional wealth. I believed that having money would bring happiness when it won’t. Also, not gambling won’t bring me happiness either. Not gambling eliminates a ton of other stresses but doesn’t just make me happy all of a sudden especially when dealing with all the repercussions of 20 years of gambling and making poor decisions. Often times it takes just as long to tear something down as it takes to build it back up.
Basically what I’m getting at is that gambling isn’t the problem. I am. If I can sort out and fix some of the issues I’m facing then I would choose not to gamble. Living a life out of control while being weak but wanting material things has lead me down an odd place.

[Jonny123987]

Day 292 – Things have been alright on the gambling front. I don’t stress to much about it. I sometimes wonder where’d I’d be today had I not ever gambled or had a gambling problem. But I guess that’s a total waste of time as that’s not what happened.

[Jonny123987]

A life coach helped me. They aren’t cheap but in comparison with gambling they are. They can help you understand things better about yourself.

Your bud,
Jon

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