[Jonny123987]

Try to get day one under your belt again. One day at a time.

[Jonny123987]

what is a sole trader?

[Jonny123987]

I don’t 100 agree with the seek and we shall find idea. I believe in work and build it and it will come. That being said I haven’t been able to do anything today. I’m just watching movies, tv, and trolling the web. I’m really down about losing that job. it’s weird how something like that can cripple you for a time. When I read some of your posts I get scared. How old are you Monicau? What field do you make a living in?

[Jonny123987]

Hi Monicau, I hear you on not wanting to go backwards. To do a job that is below the level of work you are used too. You say you would sooner die and that you were incapable of it. Can you please explain those things further?

[Jonny123987]

Oh… and I’m happy to hear that your cough is getting better.

Also – I was maybe being a bit overly harsh on Geordie. I can admit that. He struck some weird cord and for some reason it made me lash out a bit more than I should have. You are right that he is just trying to help. He most likely doesn’t mean the things he says exactly how I read them. But I do think it’s cathartic for ads to have these discussions, debates, arguments, etc. It’s definitely better than what we used to do wit our time… 🙂

[Jonny123987]

Hi Monicau,

Thanks for reading my thoughts and for letting me know that they made you feel a little better. That means the world to me. I’m not sure exactly why I lost my job but I ‘m assuming it’s because I wasn’t working hard enough or fast enough or this boss just didn’t like me. Either way I need to suck it up, brush myself off, and move forward and just try harder on the next project.
I love the 12 steps, I love GA, and I love sponsors. I’m not for one second saying GA, the 12 steps, or anything like that is negative in any way. Of course not. I have been going to GA for 7 years now. The problem is that when I left GA I was still in my body and still had my problems. I felt like I was a burden to my sponsor as I bugged then at all minutes of the day. I felt like I was just talking and talking and not doing any heeling.
I am in a different place though. Similar to you. Gambling actually not only ruined us financially and mentally… but it took a physical toll on both of us. I think when you this rock bottom it sort of puts things in perspective… You realize that just being alive and being able to breathe normally, walk without pain, get out of bed without pain, get off the toilet without pain, etc.
That being said I still attend GA meetings. I should probably go more not just for myself but to help others if they can somehow benefit from my betting history. I would like to be a sponsor if that was ever in the cards. I feel that I have things to share.
You seem like a great person! I know you’re struggling right now and it’s hard for me not to be able to give you a hug. No doubt that you are going through some serious stuff right now. Perhaps more serious than most. But I can also tell that you are a strong person… You may feel weak right now or this last two months but that’s not who you are. You are strong… You have much to offer. Your family needs you although you may not feel it all the time… They do. Trust me. They also believe in you… I have to keep reminding myself that it’s all about baby steps. baby steps. baby steps.
I have a smoking marijuana problem. I need to address it at some point. I used to smoke cigarettes but also quit that when I had the surgery 10 months ago. I had one last night when I lost my job with my brother and my lungs have been burning all day from just that one. Ouch… My vice is definitely weed.
I’m not surprised the 12 steps are painful. Things that are hart never aren’t. Nothing worth accomplishing is usually easy or pain free. Not like gambling which masks the pain but hurts worse in the long run. I have faith and believe in you and hope I can now call you my friend.

[Jonny123987]

So you posted it. Has it helped you? You said you’d be back here but have you? I’m also in my forties and have lost everything. If you lose that woman and those kids it will be the biggest loss ever.
I ask you for my own well being… How long did you quit for and why did you start back up?

[Jonny123987]

Is it horrible to just do the bankruptcy? I know it is stinky to think about but maybe it puts you back to zero which is a great thing.

[Jonny123987]

Hi Monicau,

I’m glad to see you continue to get better. How’s the quitting smoking going? I’m thinking that will help with the cough. How long hs that cough been going for? Have you had an X-ray of your lungs?

[Jonny123987]

Hey 3Racer – Fist off I Want to apologize to you if anything I have said to you in the past has upset you. Geordie pointed out that I shouldn’t have talked about investing with you. And maybe he was right. I apologize if that was a bad thing to do.
I’m really sorry to read that you gambled again and that your struggling so hard. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been in your shoes and know a similar feeling. It’s a dull feeling. Like nothing matters. Your not hungry, your not full, your not happy, your not sad…. your just null to everything. I hated myself.
I know you can combat this disease. But you do have to stop. I’ve always had a hard time not saying the truth. I’ve never been one to beat around the bush.
Why do you continue to place wagers when you are certain it’s wrong? You and I are where we are because we couldn’t say no to gambling. You stopped for 175 days. You can do this again. No matter what happens just know that gambling isn’t ever the answer. In fact it’s the incorrect answer to all questions or feelings. Definitely delete the sports app. It’s just an app. I would also refrain from watching sports for a time being. Who cares what happens in some game on some team filled with a bunch of millionaires. I sure know those athletes don’t care to watch us work. Sports can be fun to watch once you have control of yourself again. I watched the Super Bowl last year and it was really good. Besides that I haven’t really watched any sports. I’ve watched an inning or so of a baseball game if in the bar or something. I know for me I had to tune out for a time being. The truth is I’m not sure I really like watching sports that much now that I abstain from gambling. Seems a bit meaningless. Tomorrow is day 1 for you.

[Jonny123987]

Good job I Did It. 23 days is a major accomplishment. I imagine having that many days under your belt is feeling pretty great. This is a long haul for all of us. Stay the course and don’t ever place another wager.

[Jonny123987]

Stay the course P. Congrats on your gamble free time.

[Jonny123987]

Sounds like it’s time to stop brotha. Read my posts and see where you will end up if you continue. All you have to do is stop and forgive yourself. You will make the money back by working hard. If you continue to gamble you will most likely loss more including yourself.

[Jonny123987]

Hi Mark – That’s great news that you haven’t gambled in almost a month. For me the urges got less and less. Every once in a while I have the urge (be it very faint) and it last for maybe 10 seconds… Long enough for em to chuckle at it. Stay the course and those will get easier and easier to deal with.

[Jonny123987]

Day 302 – Hi Geordie and I Did it. Thanks for taking the time to write me.

Geordie – As I did it mentioned we probably would have a nice conversation if we were sitting together . When reading someone’s words we attach our own feelings to them and assume that we get what they are gong through. I think we’ve all misread a text or email and taken the emotional meaning out of context. I don’t want you to stop posting on my journal. I was just frustrated that you think you know me by reading part of my life story through this journal and then making assumptions. The truth is how could you do anything different if I didn’t tell you everything in those posts. I welcome any advise you have for me and apologize for reacting to your post like I did. It hasn’t made me feel good. That being said I think we discussed some interesting points. I think it would be difficult to carry on that conversation as long as it was. I am open to discussing each item point by point if you would like? Just not all at once. 🙂 It was a bit overwhelming and struck a cord.
I unfortunately lost my most recent job and have been pretty down on myself. It’s a huge ego killer. I am proud to mention that the only time I’ve thought about gambling during this period is to recognize that I hadn’t once thought about it.
I don’t think I’m cured. I don’t believe a cure exists for what I have. Call it what anyone will… A CG… Or just someone who wants to forget all the pain. Someone who gets caught up in a spiral of emotions, mixed with money, lies, deceit, and tragedy which can only end badly.
I relapsed a number of times when I tried to seriously quit. I talked about putting for years but never tried. Then when I did I wasn’t;t able to. Then I tried again, and again failed… this story repeated itself for gees I don’t know how long. Then I was able to hit a semi rock bottom and was able to quit for a couple months. But then jumped back in head first at the first sign of change and bitterness. This continued a coulee to a few times until I hit rock bottom. I was stuck in bed with unimaginable pain. I couldn’t;t use my right leg. My left leg still damaged form a motorcycle accident. My back needed major surgery and the doctor would take out 30% or so of my disk. I had nerve damage and didn’t know if it would ever get better… I was close to somewhere in the range of 20K in debt after working my entire adult life.
What I’m trying to say is when I lost a part of my body and it was out of my control it dawned on me that some things are in my control. I wanted to quit gambling. All I had to do was stop and abstain. I knew that I was happiest when not gambling. I also realized that it wasn’t working. I wasn’t feeling well and I was not well off. This rags to riches dream I had from not having to work was all a joke I created in order to feel ok. For me it wasn’t about the 12 steps. It wasn’t about a sponsor. I had done all that and it didn’t work for me. SO I chose to have my mother hold my money, I placed a gambling block on my computer. I emailed all the sites I used and told them my problem which in turn they all banned me. I read and read about others gambling problems and how some fortunate few were able to find a life after it. But the biggest change came from deep down. I knew I didn’t;t want to gamble anymore. It was hurting me. It made me hate myself. It made me work for nothing. It kept me from doing anything. I was gambling while life was passing me by. For me it was simple… it was time to stop. I think all these programs are great. I love GA. I love the people there. I love the support. But it didn’t make me stop. What helped me stop was having someone believe in me. Believing in myself that I could so what I set out to do. That I had something to do everyday to keep my mind busy. That I loved more. And most importantly that I didn’t give up hope.
It’s hard to hope when everything seems so dreary and hard.
The 12 steps are great but they the end all be all. We are. I am. I can go to a meeting a night or two meetings a day but that won’t stop someone who wants to place a bet.

Geordie – I would like to debate one thing from our posts now. If you would like…? You mentioned that you had a great deal more experience about gambling then me. You seemed to believe that full heartedly. Of course I want to debate that… how can one quantify that statement? How can you actually say that you gambled more than me or anyone else for that matter and that you somehow have more experience and a better understanding? There’s no competition but I found that statement a bit odd. Is going to the track for 40 years make a person more experienced than a slots gambler of 15 years? Does a card player of 32 years know more than a craps player of 22 years? It all seems like a mute point to me and almost like a way for you to put yourself on a pedestal. I ask you this… Is that a healthy thing for a former CG to say and want to feel? Isn’t a GA we learn about the bug shot fallacy? Isn’t saying something like that similar? Again, I’m not trying to fight, just ,early discuss one point of that conversation at a time.

I did it – I appreciate you caring enough about me to write and think about me while reading. I still ***** the days for some odd reason… Not really sure why I do… All I know is that I can never let gambling back into my life. Not one bet. I often ponder why I did it so long. I know that if I place one wager it could possibly or will end in horror. But I just don’t want to anymore. The other day I say a guy sitting at a shop I was at and he just scratched those tickets one after another. I watched and just felt weird about it. I wanted to say something to him but didn’t. I just watched as he scratched $50 worth of tickets. I’m not sure if he won or what the outcome was. It was just watching someone gamble… To know deep down inside he is just hoping to win some money… There is no joy in it. In reality there is no chance in it. It’s a lose lose proposition.
Read that book. Read everything you can about gambling.
I haven’t offered anyone true advise on this site ever. I often let them know what I’m thinking but don’t tell them how to do something. But maybe that needs to change.
I’m not sure why I’ve been able to quit this time when I wasn’t able to quit for close to 23 years. I really do think that when I sitting in that bed and had lost all hope that the one thing that I could change was whether I placed a bet or not it all clicked. It really was that simple. Fortunately and unfortunately you all can’t go and lose a leg in order to quit. I may never walk again normally or without pain… but I won’t be gambling.

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